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Feel like it's all crumbling around me.

8K views 69 replies 22 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
Basics
I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
I don’t take any form of drugs, not my scene.
I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise.

Relationship
- my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that.
She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I don’t do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesn’t get acknowledged.
I can see she is hurting, I don’t believe I fully understand why and it’s killing me.
This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation.
She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I don’t believe there is.
The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped.
One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say ‘oh goodo’ not well done or anything positive.
I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself.
We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didn’t try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work.
She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment.
We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with.
Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life.

Work
- I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and it’s essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time.
The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I can’t concentrate.
As much as work is a focus, I don’t put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and don’t like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely.

Study
- I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much.
Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment.

Family
- I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, I’ve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her.
- I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wife’s mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus I’ve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I don’t know how he copes. That said the way my wife’s sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong.

Friends
- I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all ‘our friends’, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing.

Self
- I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school.
- I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming.

Current situation
- I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes it’s about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I don’t believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
- I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
- I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.
 
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#34 ·
#39 ·
thank you all for being there at the moment. I'm a strong person but most definitely not a tough one.

Thank you for the links, they are both really close to the mark.

I just read this and it was like a slap in th face http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/emotional-affairs-recognizing-and-coping-with-emotional-infidelity

I am going to have to ask her flat out what is happening. Seeing IC is getting closer, and will see Dr as well.

I keep on saying it, and I genuinely thank you all.
Without any evidence, she'll just deny.

Do as @Marc878 suggests, a little investigating. So many men won't do that, to their regret later.
 
#36 ·
Dont pin your hope on IC solving this. No one is going to fix this for you. You have to step up and do it.

You mentioned in an earlier post how you were doing all the housework, taking care of etc.

Thats trying to nice her back. Guess what that gets you? Nothing.

If you do too much you get taken for granted and lose respect. Mr Nice Guys get walked on.

A marriage should be 50/50. Do your part and expect her to do hers.

Strength is a state of mind. You'd better get some
 
#38 · (Edited)
Don't ask her about it. She will lie.

I am a former EA cheater. Believe me she will take it underground. Or say they are just friends. Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

IC is to help you, not the marriage. Work on your anxiety and self esteem. You sound alot like me in this area. It helps. Radiating confidence will get your wife's attention. Trust us. ALL the women will say a confident guy is attractive.

Get and read Married Mans Sex Life Primer 2012 by Athol Kay.

Cut back on the household chores. Doing housework now lowers her opinion of you.

I know you have little time or desire to read right now but both if those books are worth less sleep.
 
#40 ·
Better start thinking with your head. Your heart will betray you. You have her on a pedestal. The woman I love would not do this so it must be my fault? You can't fix yourself enough if this is an affair. Nothing matters.

Would you do to her what she's doing to you? The woman your are seeing is who she is right now. The one you are so in love with is who you fantasize her to be.

I promise you this. The sun will come up in the morning and the world will not end if she runs off with farmer click. You are suffering heartbreak right now and think you'll love her forever. You won't.

You're here for a reason. Trust your gut instinct and try and leave your heart and emotions out of it.

You can't control or make her do anything but you'd better fix yourself.

Get the facts. You have the info. I suspect at this time you're in denial and don't want to know. That won't make this better it'll be worse not knowing what's up.

Again - Wake up!!!!!!
 
#41 ·
Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.

I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.

Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.

I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.

I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.

Thanks all.
 
#43 ·
Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.

I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.

Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.

I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.

I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.

Thanks all.
I hope you're right but cheaters lie a lot.

Never, never put out an ultimatum you won't back. If you do you'll just be another doormat getting walked on,

Stop with the Mr Nice Guy "I'll do everything". That will get you disrespected faster than anything.

Better fix yourself and stand up for yourself. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll stop.

You should demand to see a No Contact letter to him. She writes it you send it. If she can't do that ask her to pack her crap and leave.

Do they work together? If there is continued contact the affair continues.
 
#42 ·
A driver is swerving down the road. Cop pulls him over. The driver reeks of alcohol. The cop asks "how many drinks have you had". The response from the driver is "two".

The response is ALWAYS two. No one ever admits they had eight beers.

Eventually after the breath or blood test the truth always comes out.

It's human nature to lie.

You're not done here. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life is to assume all is well now and thus leave this site.
 
#46 ·
Sorry, no she is not wearing rings, she generally doesn't as she doesn't like rings on her fingers.

We sleep in seperate rooms as I have hereditary sleep apnoea, and she doesn't like the sound of the CPAP machine. I have my weight down to 80kgs to try and do without the machine but tend to snore if I don't use it. . . this is a new thing in my life, started using the machine in September.
 
#48 ·
Important. Get to a gym and get fit. It wouldn't hurt to update your wardrobe a bit. Keep your hair cut nicely. Look and smell good.

Don't underestimate this.

Set a time for a date. doesnt have to be expensive. Dinner and a movie or lunch out.

First of all make sure her other man is gone as in complete no contact if she can't do that. start the 180 no contact immediately and see an attourney.

You must expose to other mans wife. However, I'd check the phone bill. Cheaters lie a lot. She may have given you someone else's name instead of the true guy.

You're married there is no privacy to cheat.

Get moving. You have much to do yet.
 
#49 ·
Reflect back you came here like mist downtrodden. The world didn't end did it? Your life shouldn't depend on your wife.

You're post always have IC or MC in it. Look, it doesn't take much common sense to know you don't screw around with others while married.

If it was me and no kids id giver about 15 minutes to make a choice me or him and if not shed get served papers on Tuesday or Wednesday and id start separating finances on Monday

You have some maturing to do. Never let someone else determine your fate.
 
#52 ·
Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising.

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.
 
#53 · (Edited)
Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.

So she's keeping it a secret. Sounds like you're being played. No sex is one of the biggest lies told. Ask yourself this. If you hadn't suspected and pushed would she have continued the lie? Secret boyfriends in a marriage means you have not much to work with here.

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are

Sounds like your are letting her make the decision to keep you or not. That's a version of the "pick me game". Doing that you will just give her 100% control. You can bet there will be plenty of contact with her other man. That's what separation is used for. Quit being so naive.

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.

It's going to be a lot rougher than it needs to be the way you're playing this.
The ones who come out best get strong and stay there. Yep it's a shock but you are burying your head in the sand a bit.

You never thought she'd do this, right? Cheating of any kind is based on lies. You don't know anything other than what she's told you.

Like most upfront you want so badly to believe. You'll do anything to stay in a state of denial.

Common lies:

We're just friends
It's just emotional
Taking time away for myself
Just kissed
Only sex one time
Etc, etc, etc

If you want a chance to save this the affair has to end first. Check your phone bills and inform his wife. However, you don't want to push her away. She's already gone. You won't be the first or last to make the mistake of helping them hide their affair.

Affairs thrive in secret and dark. Exposure usually ends it. If they have contact such as work the affair will continue.

Strength is attractive weakness is not. Better wake up!!!!

No marriage is perfect neither is she. Did you go out and have an affair? Take her off the pedestal you have her on and deal with this. See her for who she is not your fantasy of her.
 
#56 ·
Is the OM in a bad marriage because SHE said so?

Do you have proof?

If not, assume it's a lie. He may have told her that to draw her in OR she's telling it to you for damage control.

Always verify.
 
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#64 ·
Thanks all for the messages. This situation is still evolving. We are still living under the same roof but barely. She has said she wants time by herself to work out who she is and get the noise out of her head. There are issues, pretty major ones going back to childhood she is working through with her counsellor.

She has finally spoken to a shared friend who explained to her that she would be repeating things back to me, indeed anything I say the friend will repeat back to her which is great as I am an open book with all this.

She confirmed to the friend the individual I thought she was having an emotional affair with (married guy with two kids, one of them 12months old) has been going on for quite awhile (years). . ..however the friend also added that this is not the guy I should worry about, there is another parallel emotional relationship that is more developed, still not physical. It is with a single guy with 2 kids from a previous marriage, who works in the same industry as her. As we have haven't had kids ourselves and that seems to have never been resolved she may be looking at it as a ready made family to move into.

Yesterday she wanted to run out and spend a substantial amount on a car for me so if she has time alone I am not left without transport. I said no, transport and a car isn't a priority, its a detail, what matters is our emotional and physical health so lets sort that.

She said she was looking at an apartment for 3 months but that would cost way too much, and she is now, very reluctantly talking of moving in with her folks at least for the short term.

If she gets an apartment by herself for a period, I feel there is no way there wouldnt be a moment for that one (or both) emotional relationship to become physical.. .however it's hardly the point, its already been a massive breach of trust. . .and both relationships still continue even today.

I am so thankful for the shared friend, they helped me see her side, some of my failings or at least how some of my behaviours particularly around communications come across. . . i have a lot to learn. ..and want to learn.

So the ball is in her court so to speak, if she moves to her parents that great, if she goes somewhere else I don't believe it can ever recover. I actually hope to get her to speak in person, at length to the shared friends I spoke to today. I chatted to these friends today really deeply about all of this for 6 hours straight and it was the best emotional education I have ever had, way better than the individual counsellor or couples counsellor.
 
#66 · (Edited)
Thanks all for the messages. This situation is still evolving. We are still living under the same roof but barely. She has said she wants time by herself to work out who she is and get the noise out of her head. There are issues, pretty major ones going back to childhood she is working through with her counsellor.

She has finally spoken to a shared friend who explained to her that she would be repeating things back to me, indeed anything I say the friend will repeat back to her which is great as I am an open book with all this.

She confirmed to the friend the individual I thought she was having an emotional affair with (married guy with two kids, one of them 12months old) has been going on for quite awhile (years). . ..however the friend also added that this is not the guy I should worry about, there is another parallel emotional relationship that is more developed, still not physical. It is with a single guy with 2 kids from a previous marriage, who works in the same industry as her. As we have haven't had kids ourselves and that seems to have never been resolved she may be looking at it as a ready made family to move into.

So how long have you been living a lie with her? You're whole marriage?

Yesterday she wanted to run out and spend a substantial amount on a car for me so if she has time alone I am not left without transport. I said no, transport and a car isn't a priority, its a detail, what matters is our emotional and physical health so lets sort that.

She said she was looking at an apartment for 3 months but that would cost way too much, and she is now, very reluctantly talking of moving in with her folks at least for the short term.

If she gets an apartment by herself for a period, I feel there is no way there wouldnt be a moment for that one (or both) emotional relationship to become physical.. .however it's hardly the point, its already been a massive breach of trust. . .and both relationships still continue even today.

I am so thankful for the shared friend, they helped me see her side, some of my failings or at least how some of my behaviours particularly around communications come across. . . i have a lot to learn. ..and want to learn.

My friend no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. Obviously she has communication and other issues too. Instead of talking to you she brings another man or two into the marriage. Did you bring another woman in? See the difference. All betrayed spouses look for ways to blame themselves because they don't want to realize what their wayward spouses are. Better open your eyes to what you're in here.

So the ball is in her court so to speak, if she moves to her parents that great, if she goes somewhere else I don't believe it can ever recover. I actually hope to get her to speak in person, at length to the shared friends I spoke to today. I chatted to these friends today really deeply about all of this for 6 hours straight and it was the best emotional education I have ever had, way better than the individual counsellor or couples counsellor.

So she brings a couple other men into the marriage and you put the ball in her court? Don't put too much faith in your shared friend. This is your life not theirs. Your wife will probably paint a picture to them this is all your fault. Cheaters lie a lot. She wasn't going to tell you and probably won't tell the full truth to anyone.

You are correct. Separation is to try out the other man physically if she hasn't already.

If you're smart you'll go 180 until she drops the affairs and start going your own way. If not you'll stay in self imposed limbo for a long time to come.
 
#67 ·
It sounds to me like you've been in a sham of a marriage for quite awhile. Better take some time and think about that.

Instead of actually being in love with her you may have a deep case of codependency and probably have no idea what a marriage is or should be.

Her actions (in this for years) are clearly not normal and you may be trying to hold onto something that never was or will be.
 
#68 ·
So there are four of you in this relationship... perhaps it's time to narrow this down to one.

Time to love yourself more...
 
#69 ·
Frankly your fooling yourself if you think for one minute that leaving the ball in her court this will work itself out but I suspect she has the upper hand in this relationship so you will cave like a house of cards at what ever decision she makes......if your fine with two EA, and not blow things up than you'll be fine with her moving in to an apartment. You need to look into the mirror and accept that you are a beta male and are willling to accept any crumbs she can give you, dear god man get some respect...
 
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