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OK, you made a big mistake and have learned your lesson. The problem is that your husband and you have not fully reconciled. You were in a sex starved marriage prior to your cheating on him and now you are in an even more sex starved marriage.....I had a one-time (literally one day) affair nearly two years ago.
...After we moved in together, things seemed to change. He didn't want sex nearly as often.
...BUT, even though my husband said he wanted children and agreed to try to have one, he wanted sex even less! I was lucky to get him interested once or twice a month, which, when trying to conceive a baby, makes the chances of conceiving fairly slim.
....I confronted him about it, told him I wanted to feel wanted, to make love, and he shouted, "You wanna f**k? Fine, let's f**k!"
His tone was just so cold and to this day, I don't understand him, or what made him get that way towards me.
...an ex-boyfriend contacted me and said he was driving through town. I met up with him, full intending just to talk over a cup of coffee.
Anyway, one thing led to another, and we slept together.
..A few days later, my husband and I made up, sort of.
Long story short, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was, not for sure, so I confessed to my husband.
I...We made it work, he said he still loved me, and we came to find out through DNA test that the baby was his.
...From an outside perspective, we seem like a very happy family. We have a wonderful "family" life. But our marriage, our marriage feels like we're just teammates, platonic roommates. We haven't had sex since our child was conceived.
...He also refuses to go to counseling.
...he hasn't ever admitted responsibility for his role in all of this, for making me feel unlovable, for neglecting me, for driving me to feelings of self-loathing and depression, and desperation.
.....I'm living in a totally sex-less marriage now. And it's not just the lack of sex, it's the lack of intimacy.
Please be kind, I've hated myself long enough. I'll delete this account if I see any bashing posts, because I really just would love to get some helpful advice.
I don't want to leave him, but I feel like I've run out of options.
Fwiw, I like your honesty in this post. I hope things work out, however that may look for you both.I appreciate everyone's responses and input. I do genuinely want to keep my marriage together. That's what I wanted before all this happened. I don't feel that I'm in "hell." Yeah, I have moments where I feel lonely and a little repressed, but I'm not miserable. I love our family life. I love our daughter. And I do love my husband-- I see so much good in him. I just want that closeness.
It is time for me to be more courageous-- but that doesn't mean leaving him. I think in my case, it means I need to open up to him more about what I'm feeling and telling him that I need something to change. I know this isn't the type of marriage he envisioned for himself either, it can't be. If that discussion leads to the topic of separation or divorce, then that's where it leads, but it's not what I want.
Thanks again to everyone who commented.
LMFAO!ex-boyfriend contacted me and said he was driving through town. I met up with him, full intending just to talk over a cup of coffee. Anyway, one thing led to another, and we slept together.