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Getting partner to explore more

9K views 61 replies 20 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either.

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#2 ·
I'm sorry, but this can be really difficult. I sympathize with wanting to try new adventurous things, I do as well, but for many people that sort of behavior just isn't desirable or maybe even downright disturbing.

What to you or anyone else with a kinky bent sounds like a fun game - tie you up, spank you, make you his "slave" or whatever turns you on, to other sounds like a perversion.

Its tough. In my relationship I'm the one who wants to try new things, and getting that "you are a perv" look back when I suggest something really hurts.

If he has outright rejected the suggestion, I don't know much else you can do.
 
#13 ·
Big sister loves you. And She is watching you. She is watching all of us. She cut an inch off the end of my tongue. She did. Ask her.

I now hasa lisp whan I white. Add that to the wavy wisp...wisp of sanity that still sparks in my pumpkin.

She is watching you from behind her veil.

I can climb her wall and peek, have a look-see. But I don't. My imagination works better than my old eyes.
..............................................................................................................................................................................

My PM?

Post Mortem....nobody loves an old fool. >:)

Well, excepting an occasional visit from a robed Buddha, with no underwear....... no Under Armor, underneath his smile! :surprise:
................................................................................................................................................................................
Evade Death...at all costs. Death travels with the Wind. Run counter....counter, my friends. It will pass over your head....looking for fear, avoiding the brave. I hope. Hope lives in Canada.
................................................................................................................................................................................

Molly....

Turn your head 45 degrees. Press the bridge of your nose against the bridge of your husbands. That is the closest Your Eyes will get to His...Eyes....... Aye, Yai, Yai!

While in this position tell him to "Tie you up and **** you". "Do it now, my sexy man!"
 
#4 ·
These kinds of posts usually make me roll my eyes and angry only because of my personal experience. For years I was bored with husband's vanilla sex and always asked for different things, bought toys, bought lingerie and NADA. Little did I know he was secretly watching porn and way worse than what I was asking for. He may act vanilla but maybe he is embarrassed to talk about it.


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#7 ·
I'm sorry that was your experience. I've watched some of the stuff he's downloaded (he denied that he downloaded) and some of what was on his Internet history. It was pretty tame and I don't think he's hiding anything.

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#9 ·
Expressing shock / disgust at a partner's sexual desires is a terrible thing to do. Its fine (if unfortunate) to say you aren't interested, but he should not have made you feel badly about what you want - especially because its a fairly common kink.

It IS possible to know you won't like something without trying it. There is a Japanese dish where they eat live Octopus. Nope, not trying it.....
 
#11 ·
Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts?
Blindfolds and basic restraints such as ropes to tie up hands and feet, are very basic and vanilla if you ask me. Perhaps you did not discuss this in the best context, and you brought up the idea while he was already defensive about something (e.g. perhaps you mentioned sex had been boring lately).

My suggestion would be to start with things that are very basic, like using a men's silk suit tie as a hand restraint, or a scarf as a blindfold. Since those are basic and non threatening items, just have them in the nightstand. Perhaps demonstrate playfully on him first, and then ask him to return the favor. Afterwards if he enjoyed it, THEN talk about how you would want to perhaps try something a little more elaborate next time.

You may also find it helpful to know that a man's threshold for new sexual ideas becomes more open while he is very aroused. So if you get him aroused first, you will be able to discuss things that you never thought possible and he will be much more open to it. The problem with this approach is that afterwards he may change his opinion and express that he no longer likes an idea.

Regards,
Badsanta
 
#12 ·
It may be worth a try but I've come to believe that "kinkiness" as immutable as sexual orientation.

There is almost nothing I can imagine that my wife might as for that would shock / disturb me, and few things that I wouldn't be willing to try. OTOH, she has been shocked by some of my suggestions that I thought were relatively normal. In particular for her anything that hints at "force" seems disturbing.

For someone who has a kinky side, its difficult to imagine the mindset of someone who doesn't.
 
#20 ·
I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either.
Maybe tie HIM up until he relents? ;)

Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.
 
#23 ·
Here here here!

When I first brought up some adventurous love making to my husband, he looked at me like my head was turned backward! But I mind bombed him haha! Dropping little hints here, leaving the computer open on the sexiest (*****ish... Ahem.) Lingerie I could find, etc. He must have been taking it all in without realizing it because he started bringing it up to me after he had time to think about it. He said he never gave it much thought before and when he did he thought I would think he's a freak. You know what? He IS a freak, me too :) Figured that out a long time ago, now he's a pro.

It really depends on the guy and what types of new adventures you are interested in. Does he have any fantasy's? My H loves bondage, and not just your run-of-the-mill handcuff stuff, it's a complete dominance thing. Does your H seem like the alpha type? Maybe try suggesting certain things or just talk about some of them, like ask him what he thinks of bondage.
And when he asks for your opinion say something like "I don't know, it would be kind of hot to be strung up and used for your pleasure" gauge his REACTION not what he says. My H used to be like, nah that's not for me, meanwhile he'd get up off the couch to go to the kitchen with a raging hard-on hahaha! Some dudes don't like to admit their kinks openly. But unlike us, they CANT hide their ezcitement :)

Wouldn't that be a fun way to figure out his sexy desires? Strip him naked and talk about the stuff you want to do, and more importantly why! See if his body agrees with his words LOL
 
#34 ·
There are a lot of very tricky questions wrapped up in this about what is "reasonable" in s sexual relationship.

For example, I would say that a husband who was only "comfortable" with PIV intercourse in missionary position and found the idea of pleasing his wife using fingers or mouth to be disgusting was not being a reasonable sexual partner unless such limits had been discussed beforehand.

At the other extreme, I don't think a woman should ever have to submit to bondage and beatings even though there are other women who enjoy that sort of play.

In the intermediate place is performing oral on a partner. Some people find this to be a completely normal and expected part of sexual activity, other find it abusive.

There is also the question of physical vs mental discomfort. A woman might be horrified at the idea of pegging her husband, even though that act is not at all uncomfortable to her.

For myself, I would be willing to do anything that was consensual and that was not too painful for me, or a rather limited set of things that I find deeply gross or disturbing. (I have a phobia of needles so would not tolerate that sort of play under any conditions).


I would encourage people to be clear to themselves why they do not want to engage in some sort of sexual behavior to please their partners. If the reasons are valid, that is fine. Sometimes though they may realize that they haven't really thought about the idea carefully and may actually be OK with it.

When there is a big mismatch it can be very frustrating.
 
#26 ·
I assume you mean bondage. Bondage is to some a power exchange. Sometimes a spouse will not want to engage in a huge power exchange because they are afraid of the future unknown.

They could also be afraid of their own self control or lack thereof. Ask you H what he fears or makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that his wife of many years is not going to change, she will still be the same loving wife she has always been.

David Schnarch would say that the first key is self-soothing. That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.

For example with bondage. You could start by having him hold your wrist together with one of his hands while he makes love to you. Then maybe you and he can put a scarf around your wrists but in a way that will not bind your hands together and that you can easily escape. If you approach things in gradual steps that you and your partner can become comfortable with then you can be more explorative. As they say, it is only kinky the first time you do it. That is why breaking things down into components you can become comfortable with is a good approach.

Good luck.
 
#27 ·
That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.
Good luck.
This is predicated on somebody wanting to do this. If it is something you consider morally/ethically unacceptable, you won't be interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome your moral objections.
 
#31 · (Edited)
I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she has a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.

First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life, but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me. :) With other women I have been successful by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.

I also sometimes started off with just asking the girl to blindfold me and tease me. We would do that a few times. Then I might suggest that she tweak my nipples and when she did I would moan in pleasure. I basically trained them like Pavlov's dogs. I acted a lot and whenever they did something I wanted them to do, I reacted with a great show of pleasure until they started doing it on their own with no prompting from me. After that move on to the next thing. Perhaps getting spanked. I would play games with the girl and loser gets a spanking. I always lost. A light spanking is pretty vanilla these days. If he does that and gets used to it, you can kid him and tell him that you hardly feel it and a strong man like him should be able to hit harder or whatever you think will work.

Spanking led to paddling because at a certain point his hand will hurt from spanking you. I would introduce an innocent ping pong paddle and suggest that he use that to save his hands. Once he is used to beating your butt, it really does not matter what else he uses. I have to stress that you need to take baby steps. It took me a good three years to train my girlfriend and she was a natural dominant to begin with. My wife has a nice collection of BDSM gear and impact toys, but hardly uses them. She is OK with nipple torture and some slapping of the family jewels. That is about it. Once in a while I can get her to slap my face by goading her about girlie slaps. She will do just about anything I ask but it is not the same if they are not really into it. Having been with two truly sexually dominant women, the difference is significant. When they want to dominate you it is more exciting. You do not have to top from the bottom or act to make them know you are enjoying what they are doing. They did not care if I enjoyed it or not. I did have limits but they were simply to do nothing that required medical attention.

So take baby steps and if his heart is not into it, it never will be. Men tend to be naturally dominant so perhaps you can just wake that up in his sexual being by taking it slow. You do something light and step it up after time and before you know it, spanking your butt a little turns into whipping you until you cry. :) I know that my wife will never change but we found something else that appeals to the sexual masochist in me and my wife's comfort zone.

My point is to look for something that satisfies both of you. If you look online you will find a list of sexual fetishes. Almost all that you can think of and some that you cannot. The form iused has boxes to check off to indicate if you are not willing to try the fetish, will try it or definitely into it. Then compare notes. The danger is that while a kink is something you would like to do, a fetish is something you have to do or it will forever eat away at you and detract from your enjoyment of sex. There is no turning a fetish off.

Good luck and remember to take baby steps. Join fetlife.com for free and get some advice. Many are in the same situation as you and if nothing is done about it, it will gnaw at you forever. I have had sex with a few married women, with their husbands' OK, to do the things that they did not want to do with their wives. Some were kind of gross but some were as simple as a good hard spanking.

You can explain the mental aspects of what you like to your husband or buy him one of many books on Amazon which will explain the fetish to him and how it is not what he thinks it is. Otherwise find common ground or do the equivalent of faking an orgasm by having him take on a role and pretend. The latter is what I mostly did with my wife. She does not want a submissive husband. She married me because I am an alpha male like her dad and her brothers. I made her understand that we are just playing a sex game were we take on roles and those roles do not define us outside of the bedroom. That is all you can do.
 
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#35 ·
I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she had a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.

First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me. :) With other women I have been successfully by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.

What I did was start off with just asking the girl to blindfold me and tease me. We did that a few times. Then I might suggest that she tweak my nipples and when she did I would moan in pleasure. I basically trained them like Pavlov's dogs. I acted a lot and whenever they did something I wanted them to do, I reacted with a great show of pleasure until they started doing it on their own with no prompting from me. After than move on to the next thing. Perhaps getting spanked. I would play games with the girl and loser gets a spanking. I always lost. A light spanking is pretty vanilla these days. If he does that and gets used to it, you can kid him and tell him that you hardly feel it and a strong man like him should be able to hit harder or whatever you think will work.

Spanking led to paddling because at a certain point his hand will hurt from spanking you. I would introduce an innocent ping pong paddle and suggest that he use that to save his hands. Once he is used to beating your but, it really does not matter what else he uses. I have to stress that you need to take baby steps. It took me a good three years to train my girlfriend and she was a natural dominant to begin with. My wife has a nice collection of BDSM gear and impact toys but hardly uses them. She is OK with nipple torture and some slapping of the family jewels. That is about it. Once in a while I can get her to slap my face by goading her about girlie slaps. She will do just about anything I ask but it is not the same if they are not really into it. Having been with two truly sexually dominant women, the difference is significant. When they want to dominate you it is more exciting. You do not have to top from the bottom or act to make them know you are enjoying what they are doing. They did not care if I enjoyed it or not. I did have limits but they were simply to do nothing that required medical attention.

So take baby steps and if his heart is not into it, it never will be. Men tend to be naturally dominant so perhaps you can just wake that up in his sexual being by taking it slow. You do something light and step it up after time and before you know it, spanking your butt a little turns into whipping you until you cry. :) I know that my wife will never change but we found something else that appeals to the sexual masochist in me and my wife's comfort zone.

My point is to look for something that satisfies both of you. If you look online you will find a list of sexual fetishes. Almost all that you can think of and some that you cannot. The form has boxes to check off to indicate if you are not willing to try the fetish, will try it or definitely into it. Then compare notes. The danger is that while a kink is something you would like to do, a fetish is something you have to do or it will forever eat away at you and detract from your enjoyment of sex.

Good luck and remember to take baby steps. Join fetlife.com for free and get some advice. Many are in the same situation as you and if nothing is done about it, it will gnaw at you forever. I have had sex with a few married women, with their husband's OK to do the things that they did not want to do with their wife. Some were kind of gross but some were as simple as a good hard spanking.

You can explain the mental aspects of what you like to your husband or buy him one of many books on Amazon which will explain the fetish to him and how it is not what he thinks it is. Otherwise find common ground or do the equivalent of faking an orgasm by having him take on a role and pretend. The latter is what I mostly did with my wife. She does not want a submissive husband. She married me because I am an alpha male like her dad and her brothers. I made her understand that we are just playing a sex game were we take on roles and those roles do not define us outside of the bedroom. That is all you can do.
That's a pretty detailed post with some great ideas. I like at the end how you say it's getting others to understand the mental aspect. They get hung up on the psychical, which is part of it, but in the end it's the power dynamic I'm after. I'm a very dominant person in my personal life but in bed I want to be submissive.

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#44 ·
Is he uncomfortable with the idea because he thinks it's abusive to treat a woman that way?

If he uncomfortable with the idea because he simply doesn't know how to go about it?

My DH and I share the same kinks, but he never thought it would be ok to act on them because he was programmed to think of being rough with a woman as abuse. Once he got past that and accepted his desires were shared by some women, me being the pertinent one, he had a "mind is willing, but imagination is weak" stage where he had to research to get ideas on how to turn his urges and kinks into actions.
 
#51 ·
You need to do some reading on sexual abuse if you haven't yet. I don't know much at all about male victims. My ex-W was sexually abused as a young child (and several other women I know irl are CSA victims), so I have seen how it can have effects we wouldn't logically expect. My wife found kissing very unpleasant, but she'd do just about anything else involving mouths. Her abuser used kissing as a coercion. A few times I tried more dominant approaches to piv, but all within normal mild stuff, and she got all weirdly passive and glassy eyed. She was triggering. This was really mild stuff, nowhere near bondage or dominance, but to her it was a terrible experience. She needed to feel control over the situation at all times. I saw her trigger during regular missionary sex due to the loss of feeling in control.

But I think you can try the sequential desensitization approach with your H if you take tiny baby steps, and back off at the first sign he is getting weird about it. YOu could intertwine your fingers while doing missionary. That's a baby step. Then another time you could tell him to take you from behind over the edge of the dining table. These things have hints of dominance. Don't expect him to move quickly to full bondage. YOu may only ever get him comfortable with mild stuff.
 
#54 ·
I'm guessing he likely would only be OK will mild eventually. I wonder how sexual abuse affects dominance and submission. Being abused means no control. I wonder if becoming the dominant partner down the road could somehow and empowering

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#55 ·
I will also add for someone to be dominant like that sexually, it would help a lot if it was what they wanted.

Being dominant I'm up for all sorts of things where I like to have my sexual partners be sexually submissive. Yet I find if I want it, I'm the one who put the effort into bringing others with me so that I can take/have it.

If he isn't inclined to lead this himself, won't it feel hollow if he goes along with it?
 
#58 ·
Yes, but I’m the dominant partner and my wife is naturally submissive so it was easy easing both of us into new things. It’s usually me who tries something new and she goes with it but tied up hands was her, she ordered fuzzy handcuffs delivered and one night she said very timidly that she had something she’d like to try, and opened the box and handcuffed herself. Damn that was hot, I used to hold her hands up above her head, she put those on and since then we have added more restraints and have tried lots of things.
Start slow, when he’s on top raise your hands up above your head and ask him to hold your wrists together. Tell him to take you, tell him to use you like a rag doll, tell him you are his, hopefully he’s dominance will arise from within him. Good luck.
 
#59 ·
I’ve been in a similar position. My husband has a healthy sex drive but he’s always been pretty basic. Give him a naked woman and he’s good to go.
Many years ago I mentioned that I wanted to try some light bondage and it kind of freaked him out. He wasn’t rude to me about it but I could tell he wasn’t into it. I decided to give him lots of positive feedback when he did something a little outside of his comfort zone. The first time he spanked me I made sure to let him know how much I liked it. I did the same when he pinned my arms up over my head. Eventually we even started playing a game where I’d do something “bad” and he’d tell me I had “10 spankings” and I’d have to do nice things for him all day to get him to take some of them away (or bad things to get him to add more). We’d be out with other people in public and he’d just look at me and say “That’s 2 more” and no one knew what he was talking about except me. Of course I always made sure to be just bad enough to have several spankings left when the day was over and I had to pay. That was pretty hot and I definitely need to remind him of that soon... Anyway, many years later and now he’s definitely more open to suggestions. He’ll never hogtie me or anything (and I’m ok with that) but he enjoys playing around with handcuffs and other light rough play. I even told him about an embarrassing kink that I recently discovered I was into and he happily obliged.

Something funny that I just remembered that might help.... I used to tie my own hands together and masturbate. Lol. Kind of weird, I know, but it helped me get that little bit of kink I was looking for.
 
#60 ·
Well, now you've done it.

This thread is over a year old. But you woke it up now.

My wife is a masochist, so we have experience with this sort of thing.

Submission, bondage, humiliation, pain, are all forms of masochism.

Good scientific literature suggests 2 to 4 percent of the population are true masochists. They enjoy anything from being called a bad girl to being tied by the wrist, to being spanked. Some get carried away, which makes it ugly for everyone.

Unfortunately the internet is full of ugly scenes of crazy over the top stuff where people seem to be really hurt. My wife is disgusted with all the media and books about it she has ever encountered. They are much too vicious.

Masochists don't enjoy being hurt. It hurts, just like it hurts anyone. When my hand falls on her butt, it stings. When I bite her, she jumps. But then she gets horny. It just happens that way. No idea why, and trying to figure it out is fruitless.

When we talked to her psychiatrist about it he asked me questions. I only remember some of them. Things like did I ever break any of her bones. Did any of the bruises ever turn purple. Did I ever draw blood. Did I ever block her airway. There were other things, but that was in 1985, so I don't remember.

Back in 1980 when I discovered Mary is a masochist, much to both my and her surprise, I soon bought some wrist cuffs for her. Her wrist cuffs and a soft cotton rope have been her thing ever since then. Just buckling those wrist cuffs on her gets her ready for sex. She didn't need them all the time, but she really liked them. We don't use them now because of arthritis.

I don't particularly like masochism myself, but I am happy to go along because I love Mary. One of the most controversial issues which bondage leads to is the fact it might be seen as simulating rape. It took me years to get comfortable enough with bondage to be able to reliably maintain an erection while participating, but we are a couple and I don't mind learning for her. Sometime along that point Mary actually got a T-shirt which said, "No is not my safe word".

Oh well. It works for us. Mary is certainly a very active lover.

I satisfy her needs, and she satisfies mine. She knows I have it good, and she knows I know I have it good.

Submission is part of masochism. Over the years as I have taken care of Mary's needs better, she has become more submissive. I work outside the home, and I take care of Mary's needs. She takes care of my needs. I can't imagine it being any better.
 
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