Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Help with broken marriage

4K views 35 replies 13 participants last post by  katiecrna 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married a little under 2 years. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship. And we had past relationships that definitely brought baggage into our relationship. Neither one of us had a good model for a marriage, although I do know what a good marriage should look like.

After the birth of our child, stresses from our change as well as increased stresses at both of our jobs began to unravel our relationship. She withdrew from me, which hurt me deeply. When she would talk to me, it was usually cold, rude, angry or critical. She stopped taking care of me or being good to me. Because of the rejections, I began to shut down. I ended up on medication because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of anxiety and depression creeping in.

We've been seeing a counselor for a few months. In therapy, she is sweet and tells me that she's not doing anything to reject me and that I'm thinking the worst of her. When we are home, she finds any reason to not spend time together. I try to do what our therapist tells us to try. She doesn't.

She tells me she doesn't feel comfortable around me because I won't connect with her the way she needs. When I try to do exactly that, she pushes me away. When things appear to be getting better, she withdraws and ruins any chance of progress. I get hurt and frustrated by the constant rollercoaster and drama that I'm having to deal with.

I can't share a bed with her because I won't be able to relax or sleep even taking medication. So I'm forced to sleep elsewhere for my health and sanity. She puts all of our problems on me and refuses to take any responsibility for not responding to me doing what she asks.

I'm at a total loss in how to talk to her. I feel like she's not capable of having a rational an cooperative discussion. She says she reaches out to me but she doesn't. She justifies everything she does and I'm left holding the bag.

I try to do right by her and not retaliate. I do my best to be loving and take care of her in spite of her absolutely clinical and horrible treatment. I don't want to divorce and I still love her. I have no idea how to make things better when nothing I do is getting a positive response.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
See less See more
#12 ·
Your post says she puts everything on you but your entire post put everything on her.



Since you're here I'll ask you: what could you be doing better? Are you doing your part with the baby?



Do you both work? What does the division of labor look like?



How often do you two go out and have fun together?


Let's see...I pick up the kids every day, cook dinner , bathe the baby, make lunches, do all the daily chores, get her coffee and give her space to wind down when she gets home. She works late most days. I give her flowers, notes, try to talk to her and not ride her ass like she rides mine. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I shut down and I get frustrated and leave the bedroom when she ignores me. I do that for my own health and sanity.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
#5 ·
Are you a christian couple? If so, I highly recommend Andy Stanley's marriage series. I believe you can find them on youtube, one of them is titled iMarriage (3 part series) and another is called Staying in Love. Heck, even if you're not a christian, the theories that he discusses are applicable to marriage. My wife and I have watched both of these, and they were both very good. His delivery is very fast, but he does a great job of making his points and even bringing some humor into his presentation.

It would be a good thing to do together as a couple.
 
#8 ·
I've experienced the same things. You try to talk to her, you get nothing, you ask how things can be better, you get nothing. Yet, she says she does all the right things when other ask and she lies to your therapist. The next will be that she withdraws from all household duties, cooking and then all the sex will go. I think she's trying to get you to file so she can cash in.
 
#14 ·
I can't sleep in the same bed because she sits there, ignores me and accuses me of being controlling when I want us to spend time together like we used to. If we have a conversation, she finds a reason to cut me off. She won't look at me or give me her undivided attention. She rolls over and goes to sleep. I can't sleep so eventually Ieave so I can.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
#11 ·
What were you and her's childhood like growing up?

110% savable.... but you BOTH need to open up. Built up resentment will poison ANY

M. When she acts sweet and innocent with MC, what do you do? Do you call her on it?

Maybe you need another MC. Until BOTH your cards are on the table, BOTH will spin their wheels.

There is a good chance BOTH of you are saying to yourself 'WTH does s/he want if I'm not told'

I would recommend a "sit down" but it appears you are far past that level and need a MC.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MovingFrwrd
#15 ·
I agree. It goes against my feelings to open up and try but I do. She accuses me of throwing her under the bus and attacking her in therapy because I don't confront her every time. I don't talk to her about it outside therapy because our fights are horrible and unproductive. I'm frustrated for her saying she wants things to be better, denying in one breath she's doing anything wrong. And the next telling me she doesn't want to open up to me. Like I do either but I do anyways because I know it's what we need to do.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
#25 ·
How did her 1st divorce unfold? Any similarities to how this one is going? How did your 1st divorce

go? Was it amicable or were there bitterness? Do you think the two of you may be caught in a cycle

of "disposable marriages?" This ain't fun no more, let's D and marry someone else.

Do you both work? Who does the household chores? Who does the outside upkeep

(mowing, trimming, planting flowers)? Do you and her get out WITHOUT the kids at least

once a week or take a mini weekend trip maybe once every 4-6 weeks?

Somewhere along the line she decided you are not meeting one or more of her needs.

Somewhere along the line you decided she is not meeting one or more of your needs.

You don't know this unless you communicate. This is critical. Who so?

Exactly what killed my 15 year M...... and it was BOTH our faults. I was just as guilty as she was.

If you can't sit down and talk without "shutting down," you need a MC, an experienced MC.

I might add, a MC that is pro-marriage. Some MCs are actually pro-divorce.... yeah, only in America!
 
#26 ·
I kind of answered all of these minus the divorce reasons. My ex didn't want children and she was mentally unstable. Her ex was dishonest, cheated on her and was always trying to get back with his ex which he did once they broke up.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
#29 ·
Okay.... you'sa gots this covered!
 
#32 ·
It is even harder to talk to somebody when they won't shift out of victim mode long enough to listen to sound advice when it is given.

Every post you make which demonstrates a lack of patience, an unwillingness to listen, and lashes out at what are very good posters reduces your credibility.

Perhaps there are sound reasons for your wife to shut you out.
 
#33 ·
You need to take a breath and calm down. It's obvious you have anger issues and I could understand why she doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you.

You say she doesn't take responsibility, do you? What would she say the issues are if she were on here.

Sleep with your freakin wife. Get over the fact that she is mad at you and won't look at you. Your place is in bed next to her whether she is mad or not.


Here are my suggestions even though you probably won't take them: bite your tongue. Just be there with her. Sleep her with everyday. Don't force her to talk. Tensions are obviously too high right now that they won't end up well. Don't show that your mad. She doesn't trust you and she doesn't feel safe with you probably because you get angry and frustrated too easily and you leave her. Do that for a while, let her soften up. I am not saying be passive aggressive, I'm not saying give her the silent treatment. I'm just saying, be normal, non talkative, nice. If she wants to talk, she will come to you. Don't force a conversation on her. Her her come to you, while you continue to be nice, and sleep with her every night. Let her behavior roll of your shoulders. Don't get frustrated. She might try to get a rise out of you, don't let it.
 
#34 ·
So here is your post from 2014...

I'm not sure the wife will like what I have to say if she concentrates on the sultry details of the affair instead of what led a truly faithful and honest man until this point to bite. I do not consider either of us innocent nor excuse my choice to put the cart before the horse...


So you cheated on your ex-wife. from reading your previous posts... it sounds like you are saying your current wife is neglecting you just like your ex wife did. I guess you realized the grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Let me summarize: So you had a child with a women, and it didn't work out. You got a vasectomy. You got married to another women who also didn't want kids. She neglected you. You cheated on her with another women who was divorced with kids. You decide you are dying to have kids. Your wife wasn't. You get divorced. Within 3 years of your divorce you are remarried (almost 2 years in) had a child with your new wife who had kids from a previous marriage where she was cheated on. And are having the same problems as your first marriage, being neglected and treated poorly... wow.


So now you have 2 kids with 2 different women, and step kids. A second wife who has kids with another man, who was cheated on and probably has trust issues, but you cheated on your first wife with her... and YOU call your ex wife mentally unstable because she didn't want to have kids with you. You had a vasectomy, you reversed your vasectomy, and this was all done and your still in your 30s.

Do you know how insane that is? You need to relax. Take it slow. Stop getting so angry. Make this marriage work.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top