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New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

2K views 22 replies 7 participants last post by  Jessica38 
#1 ·
Hello all..Im new to this forum and am glad I came across it.

I'm hoping I can get some honest nuetral advice or input and I will attempt to tell you my issue as un biased as I can.

First some facts that might help you understand a little better what is going on.


  • My wife and I are 12 years apart. Im 42 she is 30
  • She comes from a semi wealthy family ...I do not.
  • Her family is of a completely different culture than mine and does not really approve of our maraige.
  • my wife was touched in the wrong places by a family associate as a child for 2 years
  • I have a close/ friendship type relationship with my mother
  • We just had a new baby
  • There is a 11 year old son she has from a previous relationship who I have taken in as my own (love him!)

My wife has formed this opinion about my mother that I believe is unfounded. In adition she has also formed this opinion about me that accuses me of being a mamas boy. Heres why according to my wife..


When we first got married she moved in with me ..my mom..and my sister. This was 5 years ago. My mom was territorial..and skeptical because my first wife was evil.. This led to my mom doing and saying things that were inappropriate but not defcon 5.

ex: when we were out she went into my room to vacuum and borrowed two dollars off of my table. ...
Ex2 she told my wife that she wasnt going to be pushed out and that she had to adjust to how she(my mom) had to do things because she (my wife) was coming into an already running situation. I've acknowledged these things were wrong..I even took my mom out to talk to her about them in defense of my wife. Several little things like that have transpired over the years But nothing on a regular weekly basis.

The other incident my wife just cannot let go of is two summers ago I literally got laid off from 5..count them..5 jobs in a row!! I have a steady one now but you can imagine the strain that put on us. When I got let go of the 3rd job after having it a month..I didnt know how to tell my wife. I knew she would be more than dissappointed and feared how she would look at me...I called my mom first to ask her how I should break it to my wife. THAT WAS A HUGE NO NO apparantly. This is the MAIN example she uses to say I put my mother ahead of her. AM I tripping? Is she right??


We go to my parents apartment quite often like once a week to eat dinner after church...Generally seem to have a good time but my wife gets home and always has a new bone to pick with my mother.

She tells me I'm putting my mother before her but cant tell me how when I ask her to clarify.

I don't talk to my mom everyday
I don't seek her approval for things
I don't compare my wife to my mom ever
I don't let my parents pop up at my house un-announced
I don't choose my mothers opinion over my wifes.

With all that ...she STILL vehemently thinks I am a mamas boy and it is putting tremendous strain on our marraige.

She thinks my mother is a liar and pushy and manipulative etc...which are ALL traits that are the exact opposite of what I have know this woman to be all my adult life. I KNOW my mom has flaws and have expressed that numerous times to my wife...but to no avail. I feel like I have to now vilify my mom in order for my wife to be appeased.


Can anyone provide some insight?
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Edited- never mind I thought you were all still living together.

Sounds like your wife is jealous of your mom.

Tell her to get over it already.

That much being said, your inability to communicate with your wife about the job loss and having to ask your mom how to go about it is just really weird. Maybe your wife has a point.
 
#3 · (Edited)
I agree with your wife- when you decided to get married, you made the decision to put your wife first. If your wife feels your mom is being intrusive and overstepping boundaries, it is your job to set boundaries with your mom.

This does NOT mean you have to join in with your wife or even agree with her in criticizing your mother.

I'd talk to your wife and let her know that you want her to know she comes first, but that you'd also like to have your mom in your life, so how can you do that in a way that she will agree to? Once a month dinners? You may need to limit contact if your wife does not appreciate how your mom is treating her. Can you give examples of what your mom does that your wife doesn't like?

Many of my girlfriends and I have discussed our over-stepping mother-in-laws. It's a very common thing and I actually love my MIL. But she does cross the line and try to tell me what to do, how to raise our children, how to feed my baby when visiting me in the hospital, etc. So my husband had to set boundaries. For us, this meant that my husband does not leave me alone with his mother- she tends to get more intrusive and say upsetting things when he's not around. My husband also had to nicely tell his mom that although we know she means well and loves her granchildren, how we choose to raise our kids is not up for discussion. She had her chance to do what she felt was best for her kids, and now it's our turn.

If this is about how your wife is caring for your new baby, I'd suggest you really listen to your wife closely. MILs are notorious for pissing off new moms, even though their intentions are good. It's not cool.

*just read the part about how rude your mom was to your wife while living with you. That would upset me too and I would not want to be around your mom alone after that. You need to have a talk with your mom and let her know that she needs to treat your wife with more respect or you will not be able to spend time with her.
 
#4 ·
Thanks for your input. some more insights

I have set boundaries with my mother. She (mom) is OVERLY careful not to give ANY advice regarding the new baby. NONE..ZERO. My wife is known to have a quick temper so everyone (including me) is on pins and needles trying not to offend her.

She calls me all sorts of names and says the foulest things about my mom to me.

Just recently she (wife) was mad at me for something...blamed it on my mother....who had nothing to do with it at all..texted my mother this nasty gram telling my mom off and hitting way below the belt. (my mother has shared some deep hurts with my wife in attempts to get closer to her.) Since then my mother has wayyyy backed off and not retaliated.
But my wife cant get off of it with me.

Another wrinkle is that we have had serious financial issues as of late and my mom has ALWAYS done her best to help. But my wife sees that as my mom trying to buy leverage...yet she will readily accept the help...lol.

Im not used to all this drama. My family growing up would get rid of drama as soon as possible. I hate discord and lingering anger. We have NEVER done the whole "Elephant in the room" scenario too well. This is Excruciating because I love my wife. I KNOW we were supposed to be together....HECK my MOM encouraged me to move forward with my relationship with my wife.... I feel like i DO put my wife first but I also have a relationship with my mom too. Nothing over board but definitely closer than some.

Not leaving her alone with my mom is doable. But is it fair to think that this whole turmoil is solely on my moms shoulders? My wife ...when she isnt stressed ...gets along with my mom..inspite of her flaws....but lately she has zeroed in and latched onto my mom as the cause of all her stress and refuses to hear me out.

HOW do I get through to her? Let her know she IS first but she should step back and re assess her judgement of the woman that made and molded the man SHE chose to marry?
 
#5 ·
Its not that I didnt have the ability to communicate it with her....its that I KNEW she would be distraught ....and as a man I wanted some insight on how best to approach handling telling her knowing she would be UBER dissappointed..and UBER nervous.

She is mad I didnt tell her first. that one time. over two years ago... Seems a little unreasonable to me...no?
 
#8 ·
Your wife doesn't respect you. I'm curious, have you two had a healthy sex life? How's the intimacy? Are you just roommates?

My ex wife hated my mother. It was absolutely not warranted. But I would always try to keep the peace so I could keep my happy little life going and sleep in my bed at the end of the night. The truth was, we were in a 100% sexless marriage because we both couldn't stand each other. After I finally had enough and found my balls, I divorced her and started a new life. My ex was a basket case and always needed drama in her life.

If everything is great except for the MIL, then I think you can turn this ship around. Your MIL shouldn't be in your life every week. Start seeing her once a month or so.
 
#10 ·
Its MY mother her MIL. And we havent had sex due to the preganancy and her healing up from that. But typically it isnt a problem. But the finances are a HHUUGGGEEE stress on us. She doesnt know how to go through a rough patch because she never had to growing up. Her family had personal drivers and they could go into a store and buy whatever they wanted basically without needing to look at the price tag. Now that she is with me that certainly is not the case. Although I do and am still looking to try to improve our situation...its really hard.

I drive 2 hours to work and back every day. It was the only job that would hire me right away. I went back to school got a degree but its been difficult finding a good job in the area we live in. Im even looking for a second job. But I keep running into obstacles...lol..they just raised my rent, she isnt working..gas etc....and on top of that I have to hear about how terrible my mother is and how Im a mamas boy....lol..

Its enough to make me want to jump off a bridge!!
 
#13 ·
ND,

You wanted neutral advice so here goes:
- Your wife will perceive you as a mommies boy until you can pay all your bills without her help.
- Growing up your wife never had to worry about money - she was provided for.
- My guess is that your wife is directing her anger at your mom, but the true source of her anger is you.

And losing 5 jobs in one month either means you are the most unlucky person I ever heard of - or you have some habits that employers dislike.
 
#14 ·
they help out too but remember they dont approve of our marraige. A loan that would be significant to us but tiny to them would pull us right out, but they would have rather her married a doctor or a pharmacist. Its too late for me to go back to school for that...I am trying to make more money every which way I can short of doing something illegal.
 
#16 ·
Her parents are financially punishing her because they don't approve of you.

Nice.

Then again maybe they have good reason for not wanting to throw good money after bad.

Tell us more about those 5 jobs you lost in the short period of time.
 
#17 ·
They were temp agency jobs. When we first met I worked for a company and had been there for 4 years and won awards etc...it was a sales job and it got less and less until they finally let go several veterans like me. The next few jobs were all temp to perm jobs and all customer service jobs.....all the while I was looking for jobs in my degree (graphic design) it was the weirdest thing...I've NEVER been jobless or lazy or a slacker. I've held a job since I was 14. Im 42 ...I've traveled the country..beena community leader ..published a book..play 3 instruments...I'm not a slouch...but I'm not a doctor or pharmacist either. I'm not Nigerian. (her family is Nigerian) I'm just plain old african american..lol

we did'nt do the traditional nigerian ceremony so they dont even recognize me as her husband....and its been 5 years already.
 
#18 ·
I'm not Nigerian. (her family is Nigerian) I'm just plain old african american..lol

we did'nt do the traditional nigerian ceremony so they dont even recognize me as her husband....and its been 5 years already.
Her family is Nigerian and they're rich? I think I got an email from them recently. Something about how they needed me to hold and transfer some funds for them.
 
#19 ·
hahahaha...no its not them...BUT her dad worked for Haliburton for 30 years if thats any indication. Her oldest sister is a pharmacist...her next oldest sister is a Medical systems administrator...two out of her three brothers are also well off....

she was sort of the neglected child growing up...left to her own devices so she never achieved what they expected out of their kids.....she is trying now...thanks to my encouragement but we have strugged the last few years.
 
#20 ·
Alright, So my marriage is toast. But SOME factors are similar to what your issues are. Now I had many other factors, but I did build up resentment against my ex-MIL and ex- husband (for not standing up for me). So I may be able to provide some perspective.

My ex-husband had/has very good earning potential. Corporate lawyer, masters etc. etc. I am a physician in training - between the two of us we would make very good money. However, when we first got engaged, his parents helped him put downpayment for a house that was way beyond our means. In his and his family's mind - they were "helping us out". In fact, this was all for ME (in their head). From their perspective, they wanted a household that was "set up", so that we wouldn't have to struggle. Good intentions? Perhaps. I HATED it. I didn't care about struggling. I was okay to live in the rental apartment with my husband. I was okay to buy a small condo if thats all we could afford. I was okay to not buy property for a few years if we couldn't afford. I didn't need everything "set up", more importantly, I didn't want THEIR version of set up. I wanted to set it up myself - with my husband. Whatever little we had, would have been ours. I didn't need things to be fancy. When my ex-husband lost his job - things only got worse. His parents had to help pay our mortgage! I felt indebted. Like they had a say in everything we did. For example, my ex-MIL visited us and decided that the knife set we owned wasn't very good. Well it wasn't. But its what we had and we really didn't have the money to spend on a new knife set. So while I was at work, she went with my ex-husband and bought us a new and fancy one. They both came back home extremely excited. I didn't say much. I don't want another woman setting up my household/kitchen. Just like my ex-MIL wouldn't like me deciding what vase she should buy for her living room. My ex-husband obviously didn't get why that would bother me - so actually I never in kicked up a fuss about it, but small things began to build resentment.

Sometimes, my parents stepped in to "Help". I hated that even more. I am an independent girl. I always have been. Maybe it was normal for you to accept help from your parents prior to the marriage. It was normal for me to accept help from my parents prior to the marriage. But once I was married, I looked at my ex-husband and me as ONE unit. I wanted us to figure out our own financial struggles and stresses. I wanted him to discuss with me what our game plan would be - what we can afford. What our priorities should be, how we can make ends meet. Often he would just say - my family has loaned us $$ to buy tickets to go visit them, because they want us to see them for the holidays. I didn't like it - I wanted to go visit them - but wanted to do it when either of us could afford it. I worked throughout this - but my salary pretty much went into paying all our other expenses.

My ex-husband's family believed in sorting everything out as a "family". Everytime they had a problem - prior to our marriage he would discuss it with his mother and she would give "wisdom". Well maybe what you call drama and getting rid of drama is - your family's version. And that may be normal to you. But remember - that is NOT your primary family anymore. They are now EXTENDED family. So while you may use them as sounding board, you can only do that once both you AND your spouse have agreed that you will discuss this outside of the privacy of your family. What was NORMAL in your parents house may/need not be normal in your current primary family (with your wife). You have to find your OWN NEW NORMAL of dealing with conflicts. I hated that my ex-husband discussed every goddamn thing with his mother. I felt there was zero privacy between us as a couple. Infact NOTHING should be discussed outside of your marriage prior to discussing with your spouse - that ruins the circle of trust between you two.

My ex-MIL had a tendency of giving wisdom. I often found that quite intrusive. Remember - what you take as wisdom from your mother, may not come across as such to your wife. Its a delicate relationship. MIL and DIL relationship requires mutual respect. Often we expect the DIL to respect the MIL but the other way is also essential. My ex-MIL would tell me how I should get my eyebrows done, or hair cut or what kind of boots I should wear etc etc. Apparently, she was just trying to "give me constructive criticism". She would ask me why I have student loans - maybe she was just looking out for her son. But I was happy to discuss this with her son and felt none of this was HER business. So I see why your wife isn't thrilled about hanging out with your mother. Yes, my mother will make comments to me, but she will NEVER make comments to my husband. The reason is - it takes a LOT OF TIME and long term respect to develop a relationship between in-laws that is that close. And everyone proceeds at their own pace. And particularly if MIL makes remarks early on in the relationship - that image is damaged. I used to have a lot of respect for my MIL prior to the marriage - but the more she interfered in our relationship - i lost respect for her and it didn't get better by ex-husband saying - "well, you need to become friends with her. she is only trying to look out for you". It made me furious.

So recommendations
1. Cut the umbilical cord.
2. Sit down with your wife and discuss whats the best way to have a good relationship with extended family on BOTH sides
3. How she would like to handle your financial stressors - come up with a game plan that BOTH of you can participate in
4. Recognize that YOUR FAMILY (your wife and you and your kids) - are going to set up a new system, new normal, which is going to be DIFFERENT from what you did with your parents or what she did with her parents. You may borrow and incorporate or modify things when you find them helpful, but to force YOUR previous normal on each other is stupid and doomed for failure.

I hope this helps to give you some insight into how your wife MAY be feeling (of course this is just speculation, none of us actually know her).
 
#22 ·
Thanks for that. Im pulling my hair out with this.

She (wife) actually is ok with spending time with my parents (they live literally 5 minutes from us) Both sets of parents have been helping along the way.... But Im trying desperately to get us back to being independant. I think that is the key.

My mother isnt constantly rude to my wife and my wife actually would have a decent relationship with her I think if we 1 didnt live so close and 2 had our crap together financially.

I try not to blame her....but its hard because I feel like I've been so attacked by her when Im trying to make things better. Just need some outside neutral help so I dont end up hating my mom becuase my wife seems to ....OR resenting my wife becuase she is making me chose between her and the woman who raised me on a permenant basis. Luckily I dont think thats what she is trying to do.


I have great compassion for my wife and patience. I just dont think she at this moment has the same for me. I will sit down with her...let her know again she is first..ask her what I can do differently that would relay that m,essage to her...and then keep working towards getting us out of this hole financially. Hopefully it will help.

She is going to visit with her family (who doesnt accept me) for a few months coming in may...I thnk the short break will do alot of good.
 
#23 ·
It seems that she's also putting her family before you though if she's visiting them without including you because they don't approve of you. Look, I get that family issues can be tough navigating in marriage, but you both sound like you're allowing extended family to dictate and come between you in your marriage.

If it were me, I'd want my husband to come with me and our new baby to visit my family or not go at all if they wouldn't accept him. And I'd want to limit time spent with your mother to once a month, and only with my husband in the same room. And if anything disrespectful or intrusive is said, I'd want my husband to stand up for me (in a kind way) to his mom. Sounds like you have talked with your mom about the past and that's good.

I also don't think it is unreasonable for you to tell your wife it hurts you when she calls your mom names and/or complains abut her. Instead, ask if limiting contact will help, and also ask your wife to let you know if anything your mom does bothers her so you can handle it. But ask her to tell you without resorting to anger. I'm sure this will happen naturally as she relaxes and sees that she is your priority, not your mom. Good luck! You sound like you're trying very hard. Your wife just needs to hear it and see it too. She's probably hurting and scared with a new baby and little financial security and a mother in law who in the past has been disrespectful to her.
 
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