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How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

84K views 105 replies 49 participants last post by  Mr. Nail 
#1 ·
Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??
 
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#2 ·
Well, you have found out why most couples cannot do this. It destroys marriages.

My suggestion is that you find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. And you get him to go to see with counselor with you. Your marriage is in serious trouble. And you are in serious trouble if you start once again doing something that does not jive with who you are.
 
#3 ·
I agree. I've actually found a therapist in our area that I'm gonna give a try. We have to good of a marriage to screw up. We really are best friends. It's just so confusing that whole "lifestyle" I mean I do see the appeal, it's fun, sexy,exciting and kinda taboo. But it got to where we couldn't have sex without him talking about it or bringing it up. I felt like it took over. I feel like will he ever just want me without having to bring that up? I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.
 
#7 ·
I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.
I have the same fantasy as your hub, partner absolutely not interested so agreed not to mention it again. Thing is as youve realise when a guy gets a fantasy he can't just forget it - usually gets stronger if anything!
Do you know why hub wants this? Is it maybe because he doesnt feel he can satisfy you himself?
 
#4 ·
That would be very hard to live with.

We've had other people post here with similar situations. They never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot.

Part of what I'm getting is that you are feeling used. To please your husband you have to perform with another man. But you are not really into the sex with the other guy. So it's become distasteful to you.

So your husband wants you to cater to this fetish of his. But he's losing sight of the fact that as your husband our comfort and please is supposed to be his main goal.
 
#5 ·
We've had other people post here with similar situations. They never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot.
Actually the few statistical studies done on this show that the divorce rate amongst swingers is the same, or lower, than in the general population.

The issue here seems to me to be OP's husband's single-minded selfishness. Regardless of the pain it caused her he can't/won't stop. The kink is not the cause of the problem, just how it happened to manifest itself.

Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers. EJHS 2000
 
#8 ·
Good evening all
Its great to be able to tell your partner a fantasy, but not everyone wants to play to all fantasies.

It can be a tricky call. A woman might feel silly dressing up as a french maid - or she might feel humiliated.

My feeling is that if it doesn't involve other people, pain, or very unusual fetishes, its good to try to satisfy your partners fantasies.

When it does involve other people, it is completely reasonable to not want to play.
 
#9 ·
First off you simply had bad sex with a guy. Your husband is excited because he is programed to be excited by you having sex with someone else. You might try being a "hot wife." You pick your dates. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to. If you go on a date don't tell your husband anything. When he asks tell him you don't kiss and tell. He is going to be very excited. I will tell you exactly what he is going to do. He is going to want to perform oral sex on you trying to see if you had sex. Play safe and have fun!
 
#79 ·
First off you simply had bad sex with a guy. Your husband is excited because he is programed to be excited by you having sex with someone else. You might try being a "hot wife." You pick your dates. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to. If you go on a date don't tell your husband anything. When he asks tell him you don't kiss and tell. He is going to be very excited. I will tell you exactly what he is going to do. He is going to want to perform oral sex on you trying to see if you had sex. Play safe and have fun!
It continues to be true, no matter how disgusting, degrading or potentially harmful something may be there is someone who enjoys it.
 
#10 ·
So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??
This is the part that I'm stuck on. I think its one thing to have a fantasy and maybe you pursue it and maybe you don't. Its another to say there is nothing to be excited about. Mid-life crisis? sexual fixation/fetish? selfish/self absorbed? I don't know, but he needs to refocus. Your sexual relationship is the cake. If you two want to dabble in other things then that can be the icing, but the cake comes first always.

I'm being direct. You be soft and diplomatic so as not to embarrass him or get his defenses up.
 
#25 ·
I just don't get this cuckold/hotwife thing. I just don't. I guess I'm not that highly evolved.

I couldn't watch the woman I loved being railed by another guy.
Bandit,it's actually the exact opposite. The act of another male having your female stimulates a region of the brain referred to as the limbic system. It's function, in our evolution, was to cause strong motivation prompting the male to stop another male's advances and then reaffirm his dominance by inseminating the female in question demonstrating his virility.

This drive is very strong in most males which is the reason that it works when other forms of "arousal" do not. As evolved beings, we now have the intellect to assert logic and reason over the instinctual drives in our brains but not always.

With logic and reason it is easy to understand that this form of "arousal" is fraught with peril to monogamous relationships because of the high possibility of unintended consequences. It is playing with fire because the female instinctual drive is to find the "best" male specimen in order to provide the highest probability of producing viable offspring. If she is lacking the intellect necessary to fight those urges, another male can, at any given time, become more appealing than the current one.


In any event, the issue here is not this instinctual drive but rather the fact that her H cannot use logic and reason to squelch it in light of the fact that she does not care for it. His instinct is overriding his intellect. This could end very badly not only because of what I stated above but also because the OP does not like it and is trying to make him understand this. His failure to do so may cause her to consciously, or subconsciously, sabotage the relationship.

Lisa2,
You should discuss this with your H and tell him that this makes you uncomfortable and is not something you enjoy. You have already said that he has agreed not to do it so leave it at that. You are not "depriving" him by refusing to do what makes you uneasy. Is he allowed to sleep with whomever he pleases? Are you depriving him of that? Of course not, that is just part of being in a mature relationship with someone you care about.

Also, with all the information available today with a little effort and research on your part you may find alternative sources of arousal that work almost as well and that you are comfortable with.
 
#12 ·
Well we liked the "hotwife" lifestyle not "cuckold" neither of us are interested in me & some guy humiliating him! And I would not go on a date without my husband that's cheating, he wants to watch & join in that's the point of the fantasy. My problem is he is obsessed now that we've done something and I just feel like it's taken over our sex life. I hope you understand
 
#18 ·
He is not judging you. He, like me, does not get this crazy urge to watch our SO take some strange d!ck in front of us!

Honestly, the whole reason you are here with marriage problems is because you took some strange d!ck in front of your husband and you don't like it.

He needs therapy for his addiction or he needs to find someone as freaky as himself. That is obviously not you.

You need therapy to figure out why you do not have good boundaries and are willing to wh0re yourself out for your H's kink.
 
#15 · (Edited)
My wife is the same way with women. She gets turned on doing things with other women and me. It's like reverse cuckold though because she actually likes talking dirty to the other female, or being the aggressor and holding her head in my lap, or just talking dirty to the girl while we are all sexual.

I felt less special for a while, like she didn't care if I was exclusively hers physically any more. But after a year now, it seems like she just uses women as props. She has no emotional attachments and stops talking to the girl after a few experiences, and begins looking for another one. Or we do.

My advice is, if you feel used, quit doing it. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If you need time to understand his kinks or you just don't want to understand this kink and prefer being his exclusively, let him know. Communicate to him that you do not want to be shared and it makes you feel inadequate. Communication.
 
#16 ·
I heartily support couples having whatever fetishes they like, even those I'd struggle to watch, much less want to try.

What troubles me is when one partner tries to inflict their 'special' desires on an unwilling partner.

The desired act is irrelevant. It only matters that one partner is insistant on something that the other doesn't like. It's no different than the guy who tries to coerce a reluctant partner into giving him a BJ, or the porn-raised virgin teen who thinks his first girlfriend is weird if she's not into anal.

Essentially, adults pressuring their partners is inconsiderate, immature and disrespectful.

In this instance, it's not like Lisa hasn't tried. She's gone above and beyond the call of duty,, it just doesn't rock her boat.

I think you need to put your foot down, Lisa. You seem game for anything 1-on-1 so it's not like he's stuck with a LD, lights out, missionary only prude. He needs to focus on what he has,, and what he might lose,, instead of fixating on the one thing that upsets you.

Otherwise, all I can suggest is the following as a 'happy medium' if you're comfortable with it. How about letting him watch threesome porn while he's 'doing' you? If it gets him going and saves you from the pressure of having a 2nd guy in your boudoir, it might work. Unless the only threesome he's interested in is one that involves you.
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#17 · (Edited)
Why are you letting this happen to you? He does not care for you enough to protect you so you must protect yourself. You are responsible for your physical and mental health. You've already had bad experiences and you have expressed reservations. Yet he begs you to continue to put yourself in jeopardy. Your husband do longer sees you as a person with feelings. You are useful because you have the right parts for his use.

Maybe you will be able to love yourself and respect your right to be more than a body with sex organs. I hope so. One thing that will help is to see a lawyer and get him out by formally separating and starting the D process. Either he wakes up or he is out to deal with his mental problems. You don't owe him the use of your body. Women up, please.
 
#19 ·
Hi Lisa - It sounds to me like you aren't opposed to doing this once in a while, you just don't want it to be the ONLY thing that excites your husband about sex with you, is that right?

One aspect of that is that you might not be getting things sexually from him that you want in which case you can say "Ok, we'll do this once in a while, but we are also going to do what I want to do." He can't come up with sexy texts about anything else? He's not trying hard enough.

But it sounds like the other aspect of this is you want him to want YOU as you and not you only when you are with another guy. Is that right? That's trickier. But maybe the advice is the same - you do this once in a while but the rest of the time his attention is focused on you alone and he needs to make an effort to do that for you.
 
#20 ·
What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life.

There are men who have the capacity for empathy, compassion and feel a duty to preserving the peace and safety of his home, his woman and children. Right now her husband is a blind slave to his pleasure. He is not a man to depend upon or trusted.

If he is unhappy with her, he has the option of divorcing and finding women who like being shared. He does not need to suffer from being denied his craving. It's a win-win for both of them.
 
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#22 · (Edited)
She was intrigued, tried it and liked it at first. She had bad experiences and does not like it anymore. She is autonomous and allowed to stop if it's no longer fun for her. The agreement was not a promise to have threesomes in perpetuity. Her husband has to abide by her decision. He is autonomous and not bound to never have a woman who is intrigued by being shared. It is just won't be the OP.
 
#23 ·
Agreed, Catherine.

It's not his fetish that's the problem - some people think having the lights on is kinky - it's the fact that he's pressuring Lisa into fulfilling it.

My 'jury' was out regarding the level of his empathy but I've re-read the OP and it's not impressive.

Lisa's done her best and seems to've discovered the truism that the fantasy is seldom met by the reality.

He needs to back down and stop telling Lisa she's inadequate. He should count himself lucky she went as far as she did.

If he can't let IT go, he should let HER go. I'm sure plenty of guys would respect her boundaries. She sure doesn't come across as a prude. A trier is a keeper.
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#26 ·
The theory behind why men want to share their wives. Its called sperm competition! Goes something like this. He watches you have sex and wants to compete sexually with the other male to produce offspring. After watching you have sex he will be harder than normal. He is going trust harder and deeper and both testicles are going to release sperm giving him a more pleasurable powerful orgasm. Without the competition usually only one testicle releases sperm and the orgasm becomes routine/everyday thing. Your body is capable sex with several men for hours taking turns with you, it you let it. Being in competition both men are capable of multi-orgasms themselves. Always play safe.
 
#36 ·
It's not clear that you think a lower form of life than this guy even exists.
 
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#29 ·
The flaw in your limbic system/instinct point is, put simply - Yes, both genders are wired to compete for viable mates but, by letting him put a ring on her finger, Lisa let him know that he'd won the competition. The question therefore becomes, why does he have an overwhelming need to keep replaying a tournament he's already won? Just like a Wimbledon winner, keep playing the same final over and over again and the runner-up will eventually win.

He's actually fighting his limbic insticts which have already done their job. He's inviting competition (and failure) where none is necessary when he should be basking in his glory and polishing his 'trophy', not treating her like a worthless trinket.

A need to keep proving himself (to himself) or a desire to fail. Who knows? Whatever it is, it's something psychological in the 'higher' brain. If it weren't, we'd all be marching our WAGs off to swapping parties.
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#31 ·
How does him putting a ring on her finger negate what I said? He is not fighting his limbic system he is USING it for arousal purposes. He is easily bored and his "higher brain" cannot come up with new and inventive ways to be aroused beyond the instinctual, which requires no thought or effort. I agree with your post I just don't see how it contradicts mine. In fact, to me it reinforces it.
 
#37 ·
I have fantasized about my wifee having sex with another woman.

This other woman, would trib my wifee, wifee laying back on the bed, and she can't get away or stop it......other woman on top, rubbing her, complete body to body, breasts to breasts......drives me crazy as I type......but I never bring it up anymore, and my fantasy remains just that. We've been married for 15 years. If my wifee was suddenly into this, wants to experiment, I probably wouldn't go through with it in the end, because that is adultery and once you open that pandora's box, you can't close it anymore. The next time, she might do this when I'm at work.....and then again.......and I like women now and want a divorce. You're playing with fire.
 
#89 ·
Pretty much never works with two women. If the unicorn enters the relationship as interested in the wife, she is seeking an emotional bond. Husbands are always distanced, then excluded as "unnecessary" , although for short-times they may be kept around for their financial advantage. There are far too many girl-only things they can share and go to, making the husband no longer an equal in the relationship, and eventually seen as interferring/demanding.

over 40 yrs researching, exploring, and contracting people about such things - and in that time, neither myself nor anyone else has heard of that relationship going LTR-stable. I think the longest I heard was 8 years (and in that one, the wife went loopy, attacked a bunch of people, and [post prison] ended up a born-again Christian in total denial of her past).
 
#40 ·
I'm not going to argue about the scientific reasons a guy might enjoy watching another man bang his wife, but the best way Lisa can fetter her old man desire for this is to suggest that she doesn't mind sharing herself with another guy, but she wants to do it without hubby being there.
(And who knows. Without hubby's participation diluting the activity, she may get a lot of enjoyment out of it. );)
 
#41 ·
Lols, sperm competition. Men also produce more sperm and recharge faster when sleeping with another woman. Just look up cuckquean. Wives watch their husband have sex with other women, and the men fvck more often. Women who are cuckquean find this trait hot, and find their husband more desireable. It is not just men. There is still a stigma over women sexuality, but don't forget, those women tend to sleep with other married men.

Also, putting new people into your life is a gamble. I read the thread by sandy something, where she felt conflicted when she was in love with two men, and it was her husband that put her in that situation. He withheld sex from her and made her seek it somewhere else.

On facebook, I have read this one post from a former hot wife who left her husband for someone she was more compatible with. Funny thing, is that she is happier now with her new husband, and it is thanks to her ex.

Studies are not accurate when it comes to open marriages, but at best roughly 20 percent of them have no to little conflict. And these open marriages tend to have better communication skills than your average marriage.

Scientific research shows that people can fall in love over one night stands. Look up research by Helen Fisher. Happens to prostitute a lot actually.

It is also shown, the more you feed a fetish, the stronger it can become. Maybe , Lisa subconciously, is already losing some attraction for her husband. I mean it happens. It is one of the common issues in cuckhold, hot wife, or cuckquean fetishes. Eventually, the relationship may feel plutonic.

For those who it works for, they have a more fun life. But, if you do continue this lifestyle, just be prepared, that there is more than an 80 percent chance that you might end up falling for someone else. Funny thing about sex and orgasms, they release those darn pesky bonding hormones. So yes, you can fall in love with just sex and attraction. IN fact women are threee times more likely to fall in love. Men don't release nearly the same amount of bonding hormones as women do. Fromm a mating evolution, this makes sense. Because, those bonding hormones are needed for mates to stay long enough together to raise the offspring. Love at first sight, or instant attraction serves another purpose. In the past our ancestors didn't have time for romance, and life was short, so evolution decided to help people mate faster. Lisa is lucky she hasn't run into a guy that gives her that love at first sight feeling. Also those love at firsst sight couples have a 20 higher percentage of having their marriage work out. Their divorce rate is like 30 percent. That huge attraction factor helps out a lot. And love needs those attraction factors for mates.
 
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