I think we would all agree that 'nagging' is not a positive way of communicating needs in a marriage and ultimately risks feelings of resentment - and lets face it - its very unattractive.
However, for some people there comes a time when you have to remind your partner to do the most basic of things (that are very important). Or without constant reminding chores become a one person job.
I sometimes feel afraid to ask because I don't want to be a 'nag' and as a consequence things don't get done or I am the only one to do things.
So....at what point does persistent 'reminding' turn into nagging?
That's because Mr. Self Entitled thinks he's doing YOU a favor and 'helping you out' when he does these chores, rather than recognizing that it's HIS responsibility to do certain things in life like a big boy.
I'd make it my number one priority to 'forget' how important the chores of cooking for his lazy ass and doing his laundry are.
Its not quite like that, but I get your point (and feel your pain). My husband has a control freak mother who would delegate tasks, and I think I pretty much slipped into this role far to easily. It is habitual to wait to be asked by the matriarch before doing things. (I don't see myself as a matriarch - as I am generally submissive but that is how he thinks things should be done).
As blue says - he's excellent with the jobs he likes doing, but with the not so fun jobs I sometimes feel like I have to repeat myself to the point of giving up.
If I'm not doing something she wants me to I need to explain why. Other than that the best way to prevent nagging is do her stuff, it's important to her.
I think it's all about the tone of voice that you use.
People will automatically get defensive if a tone of voice is raised or sarcastic.
It could be down to if the person feels respect or not.
My husband will react negatively if I use even the slightest firm tone, he sees it as a command and doesn't seem to like it, but normal sweet voice he's got no issues. His mother was a very dominant figure so maybe that's why he doesn't like it.
The cat responds to firm tone, husband responds to sweet tone, sometimes I get mixed up! [emoji1]
I'm big on boundaries in a marriage. Send him an email listing all of the chores that need to be done on a daily, weekly, biweekly, and monthly basis and ask him which half he'd like to take (assuming you both work full-time). As a SAHM, I do more domestic chores but I also have it down to how many hours they take and if I'm unable to fit them into the day (on top of my hobby job, caring for my children, and sports practice shuttling), then I let my husband know we need to make time for it together or hire help.
Once he agrees which half or 1/3 or whatever is workable with the hours you both have, don't do those chores. Give it a few weeks. If they aren't getting done by him, send him another email with referrals and price quotes for hiring it out.
It's only nagging if you're constantly on someone's back, just like it's only passive aggressive behavior if he agrees to do the chores and then doesn't follow through.
It may be he just doesn't know how much actually needs to be done.
I like your idea. How do you handle it if one party decides that a certain chore is unnecessary, or doesn't need to be done as frequently? I could see that chore landing on the person who believes it is important. If the finances aren't there, I could see arguments ensuing if the (dirtier) person doesn't want to do the chore and doesn't want to pay for it to be done either.
Ask him once, maybe twice if life is hectic. If he forgets, it's on him. And don't buy into the whole "remind me to . . ." He's an adult, he does adult things all day, every day, and you're not his mother. He doesn't get to suddenly revert to a child on things he doesn’t want to do.
Twice, max.
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.4K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!