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Don't want sex when he's been drinking

36K views 70 replies 30 participants last post by  sargam 
#1 ·
Hello lovely forum peeps. This is my first post, though I have been reading the awesome advice on here for some time now. I was hoping to call on that advice now.

So... I enjoy sex 3 or 4 times a week but find it repugnant when my husband has been drinking. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and it is a deal breaker for me for physical intimacy.

I have told him this and it feels like he's making the choice between beer and sex at the moment which makes me feel rejected. This can result in only one time per week which isn't enough and leaves me frustrated and cross.

Some of you might suggest me having a drink with him to offset the smell but I have to get up super early for work and even 1 drink makes me feel horrid in the morning. I have had a drink on a work night before now because I'd like to be intimate with him but I always regret it.

I bath and shave my legs every night, put on a nice dress. I even bought erotic underwear recently and wear that under my dress so it's clear I'd like to get it on. I thought this would entice him away from the fridge and towards me but it's not working!

It's getting to the point where I'll spend the evening feeing anger as soon as he opens the first can which ruins our evening together. I've just been deciding to go to bed earlier than normal to avoid this situation.

So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way?
2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me?
3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead?
4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!
 
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#2 ·
I'm not sure about your specific questions but when someone is heading towards a drink problem their priorities become very skewed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - I have given up/cut down on drink to please my husband because he had an issue with sex and alcohol (i.e he thought I needed to be tipsy to have sex). Having these conversations made cutting down on the booze easy - because he was my priority.

Saying that, I don't think you should take it personally - its not about you - its about him enjoying drinking because it makes him relaxed. Are there some stressful issues in his life that he needs to address? Does he struggle to sleep?
 
#3 ·
So I'd like to tap into your collective wisdom about these questions:
1. Am I being mean for thinking/ feeling this way? No, you should never have sex when you're turned OFF- this can create an aversion to sex with him at other times.
2. Do you think he is drinking to deliberately not have sex with me? Hard to say- how many beers does he drink and how often? How old and how long have you two been married?
3. How can I get him not to drink so we can be intimate instead? "Honey, I don't want to have sex with you when you've been drinking. Please don't drink so we can have fun together."
4. Any other suggestions or advice appreciated!
It's obvious that your husband's drinking bothers you. In marriage, we should care enough about our spouse to not do things that bother them. If your issue is drinking anything at all ever, then maybe set boundaries, like "It would mean a lot to me if you'd refrain from drinking at least 3xs a week when we're intimate." If he's excessively drinking (more than 4 a night), you might have to take a more rigid stance. "Anytime you drink more than 3-4 beers, I will leave the home and stay in a hotel with our children."
 
#5 ·
Is there a third option? It seems to me that this is about a smell. And I get that. There are smells that I don't like enough to keep me away. But isn't there a way for him to have a drink of relaxant and not smell bad? Another kind of alcohol? A oral hygiene regimen? I ask this because I'm not an imbiber and have no experience with this.
 
#7 ·
I think he's an alcoholic.

He probably thinks he's in a power struggle with you. Which is probably just as bad.

Personally I suggest you go to the bedroom and masturbate every time he grabs a beer. When he notices, and tries to have sex with you, tell him no, he chose the beer, so he can go drink his beer while you have fun. Do that every night he chooses a beer.

Hey, let's hope it's a power struggle thing. I hope he's not an alcoholic.

It's just an off the wall suggestion. Sometimes you need to think outside the box.
 
#10 ·
I think this is a good idea, thank you. I'll test it out. Thinking about it though, it might not work though because I've been going to bed and he doesn't come up until he's ready to sleep and I'm already asleep by then. If I told him this was what I was going to do, he'd think that was an invitation to join me! It would feel mean to do that.
 
#9 ·
Thank you for your comments so far.

I do find I can still smell the alcohol quite strongly even when he does brush his teeth and use mouthwash. I guess in addition to the smell I find repulsive, the effects of him having a drink is that he's less coordinated and he is just... different when we are intimate.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, he died when I was 12. I had no idea until I was well into adulthood that he was though. There's no family history of alcoholism on his side and that isn't a worry to be honest. He works shifts so is off for 3, on for 3. It's his 3 days off work when he drinks but it's not like he's constantly drinking.

Not sure how to quite correctly but the poster who said he should want to give it up if it bothers me- I agree and I suppose that's why it irks me so much. I think we have a good marriage and it upsets me that he's not willing to sacrifice his couple of beers on my work nights when he knows sex is important to me. In his mind, Im wondering if he thinks I'm the one with the problem and I should just 'get over it'.

Someone else asked if there's stress and yes, his work is very stressful. I understand drinking to relax and if it wasn't for how it affects our intimacy, I would be fine with it.
 
#15 ·
Perhaps hint at what you are going to head upstairs to do before he gets the beer? Invite him to join you if he doesn't grab a beer? Not sure how to choose the words just right. A hint, at the right time.

It does tend to sound like a power struggle, and he is trying to break your will.

I hate to say that, but, yeah, it could be that.

I wish men weren't like that, but... we are. Silly creatures.
 
#16 ·
A couple of posters have mentioned a 'power struggle'. I'm not quite sure what that means in practice even though I understand the term- do you mean it is something a husband will do consciously or purposely to assert power/ to manipulate/ to disrespect? Or do you mean it's a 'natural' thing he's unlikely to be aware of?
 
#19 ·
Ah hah, so we've gotten to the actual problem. It's not just beer breath that bothers you, it's the fact that it changes the way he acts, and not in a desirable way. Also, you lost your grandfather (was it the booze that killed him or just age?) which seems to scare you. I will say this, everyone is affected by alcohol differently in the mental and physical ways, and also in the overall life way. Everyone's definition of "alcoholic" is different as well. Personally, I'd say it's not the quantity of alcohol consumed that warrants alcoholism, it's the balance between booze and life. I drink several glasses of wine every single night before bed, and my lady will drink with me about 25% of the time. In so many words I'd say my life is mostly unaffected by alcohol. I don't have any booze-related regrets that I can think of either, and no one has ever said anything in the realm of "you should drink less" or that my drinking has affected them. I have to say, my lady has indicated that she actually finds booze-breath attractive, she calls it manly. I become an animal if I have a little nip before the action. :)

Regardless, the problem is that the amount of alcohol he consumes regularly, it's having an undesirable (for you) result on his behavior, and you find it unattractive. I STRONGLY disagree with some of the suggestions above, such as masturbating when he drinks a beer, don't play head games like that. Communicate with your husband, it doesn't sound like you have expressed to him enough how much this affects you, he's probably completely unaware of the pattern of not having sex when he drinks. Just find a compromise, work out a solution that works for the both of you. This really doesn't sound like and probably shouldn't be this big of an issue.

Or tell him to start smoking weed. :) Sex on THC is quite underrated. It's absolutely NOTHING like just being stoned, so don't go on saying "it makes me paranoid", that's from lack of tolerance and a poor set/setting. I'm serious, try it, you don't have to get BAKED out of your mind, just a little puff and hit the sack!
 
#39 ·
Being an alcoholic doesn't mean you get rip-roaring drunk, or even get slightly tipsy. I think people often correlate "alcoholic" with excessive drinking, which isn't the case.

As alcohol generally has a calming effect, it may only require 1 or 2 drinks to achieve that. But if it's the calming effect one is specifically looking for, and 1 or 2 drinks is required - you're an alcoholic, don't kid yourself.

In this particular case, OP's hubby knows the negative effects it is having on the marriage, yet continues to have a few beers anyway. Just because he doesn't drink on work nights, or drinks himself into a stupor, doesn't mean he doesn't have an addiction. What's his drinking like during vacation (holiday), when he doesn't have to work for a week or two? What's it going to be like when he's retired?

Bottom line, he knows the effect it's having on his wife, yet he chooses to go that route anyway. That's a problem.
 
#20 ·
So, why not initiate before he has the first beer?

My wife can't stand beer breath. She also doesn't like sex. If it's going to happen, I have to initiate, so I at least don't make the attempt after a beer...or anything else. However, in my case, attempting initiation may begin her thinking about it, which may result in action two hours later...and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this better!!!
 
#22 · (Edited)
Jeez there were a lot of posts as I was writing that. This has my vote for "most over-reacted-to thread of the week".

Power struggle? He's trying to break your will? Leave with the kids and go to a hotel? Are you guys freaking serious????

You are all enabling her anxiety. She said very plainly, it's simply a turn-off when he drinks beer, that's ALL. He's not beating her, he's not committing crimes, he's not cheating, he's not draining the bank account, he's not abusing the children, he's sitting back and having a couple brews, which simply makes her not want to have sex with him. Look at her responses after the initial post, you are SCARING HER! Look at what you're doing to her:

Gosh, that's concerning. Do you really think I should be thinking about it as seriously as that? I mean, it IS an issue but I wasn't thinking that it could cost my marriage.
JUST TALK TO HIM. DONE. You clearly have not done enough to communicate this to him, because you even said you try dressing sexy and it doesn't work, which means you're being passive aggressive. Have an adult conversation with your husband. If he's resistant, or doesn't make the changes after your conversation, then come back and let's talk.

Ah screw it. DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!
 
#31 ·
Jeez there were a lot of posts as I was writing that. This has my vote for "most over-reacted-to thread of the week".

Power struggle? He's trying to break your will? Leave with the kids and go to a hotel? Are you guys freaking serious????

You are all enabling her anxiety. She said very plainly, it's simply a turn-off when he drinks beer, that's ALL. He's not beating her, he's not committing crimes, he's not cheating, he's not draining the bank account, he's not abusing the children, he's sitting back and having a couple brews, which simply makes her not want to have sex with him. Look at her responses after the initial post, you are SCARING HER! Look at what you're doing to her:



JUST TALK TO HIM. DONE. You clearly have not done enough to communicate this to him, because you even said you try dressing sexy and it doesn't work, which means you're being passive aggressive. Have an adult conversation with your husband. If he's resistant, or doesn't make the changes after your conversation, then come back and let's talk.

Ah screw it. DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!
I don't think anyone is overreacting and becca is right to be concerned and frustrated.

Not enjoying sex is incredibly problematic in relationships and quickly escalates into no sex at all and then....big problems.

Not being able to give up an intoxicating substance when your nearest and dearest asks (with reasonable justification) is a huge red flag for other more serious emotional issues. This is not necessarily the early stages of alcoholism but it may be the slippery slope of losing touch with your priorities and responsibilities. And ultimately it is insulting to have your husband choose crap over you - been there and its very hurtful.
 
#26 ·
If your husband is stressed from work and perhaps has a compulsive tendency towards beer to help him unwind, step back for a moment and think about that. Is there something he can do or that you can do for him to help him unwind that is just as enjoyable if not more enjoyable than beer?

This way you are not taking away his ability to self sooth and calm himself, but instead you can help him with an alternate solution. At the same time you can acknowledge his desire to unwind and try to appreciate that aspect of his personality.

An example might be getting him a harley motorbike and encouraging him to go for a ride (if you live somewhere that it is nice for doing this outdoors) to clear his mind and get away from everything for a moment. Obviously he will know he can't drink and drive, and the thrill of riding a bike will be a great trade off for giving up the beer.

Another example might be to substitute beer with some of his favorite candy and sodas he would have enjoyed as a child. For one of my best buds this is cheery coke and slim jims, and then we go play some video games (yes even as older folks 40+)!

Cheers,
Badsanta
 
#40 ·
If your husband is stressed from work and perhaps has a compulsive tendency towards beer to help him unwind, step back for a moment and think about that. Is there something he can do or that you can do for him to help him unwind that is just as enjoyable if not more enjoyable than beer?
Yeah, she can bang his brains out! Oh, wait...
 
#28 ·
Alcoholic here...If his drinking is causing you (his wife) a problem then drinking is a problem period!....He won't think so...you may want to go to an Alanon meeting (support group for family member of Alcoholics.)... When my wife did that...it shock me....took awhile for me to realize the problem....14 sober months (only drank on weekends, snow days, vacs etc) for me and I'm never going back there...There is no specific amount of drinking that shows toy do or don't have a problem....My wife really woke me up maybe you can do the same...and I'll tell you it's not easy for anybody...

Best of luck....we are here to help get through this....
 
#49 ·
Not to encourage excessive drinking, but this is not quite psychologically sound. There are two people in the equation. It is quite possible for someone to be overly sensitive - in fact, in the USA, this is the fastest-growing psychological problem in adults!

My wife has developed a belief that substances are the end-all and be-all for every problem...if she gets the sniffles, she doesn't wonder what's in bloom outside, she wonders what she ate that caused it. If she's upset at things that happened at work, she tries to figure out what food caused this reaction. So, when she looks back over our years together, she observes two things - that at a few social events, she did not like my behavior. And, at a few social events, I had a beer or glass of wine. Now, I don't think there was a problem with my behavior, and in one case I asked the other person involved who said "Oh, I was drunk and out of line. There was nothing wrong with you getting up when I was mid-sentence and leaving, it's probably the best you could have done." On the cases that I recall, the evenings in which she thinks my behavior was inappropriate didn't happen to be the same evenings when I had a drink. However, her insistence that all issues stem from something that one ingests leads her to be incapable of believing anything else. It's not possible that she misinterpreted the situation and it's not possible for me to have behaved that way without a drink.

So, be a bit careful about this broad brush.

What if someone doesn't like your behavior and you don't drink at all? Do you still have a drinking problem?

I've had dedicated twelve-steppers tell me "everybody's an addict. Some have simply not found the substance that will trigger it." Actual psychological studies show that only 5% or so of the population has the propensity to become addicted to substances.


Having said all that, however, the amount OP's husband is drinking is above the limit, according to every statistical measure I've ever read.
 
#30 ·
I live with a dry drunk/recovering alcoholic

YOur H drinking seems to be excessive, he may have alcohol dependence issues
You might try and get him to go out that evening to a movie, the park, etc so drinking is not the focus (it could be a habit)
You tell him this when he is sober, how it is affecting your marriage and you are unhappy
Consider going to Al anon.
You could also move out of the bedrooms those night and tell him you will not be sleeping with him (he can choose)
 
#33 ·
He drinks way too much. Everyone likes to wind down and relax after a day of work... some people don't have healthy coping mechanisms like your husband.

I wouldn't have sex with my husband if he was drinking 4-5 cans of beer a night either. But he probably thinks you are controlling or manipulating him with sex.

Talk to him about it. That's all you can do. Maybe come to an agreement, 2 beers a night instead of 5. You need to bend too.
 
#34 ·
make a wager with him

bet him he can't go a month without drinking.

anybody who can't give up drinking for a month without a problem has a problem.

if he accepts make sure to try and do fun stuff without the drinking involved so he might catch on that you don't need drinks to unwind and have fun.

if he balks ask him to do it because he loves you. if he refuses then he loves beer more than you.
 
#36 ·
I'm going to be the voice of dissent here.

Sex 4 times a week? He sounds like he doesn't NEED it or WANT it times a week. That's a bit much - especially if its basically the same old same old each time. Believe it or not, that does lose it's luster after a while.

Case in point - my brother. The guy who'll take it any time, any place, any day, any hour. Thought he'd died and gone to heaven when he married a highly sexed woman who was just like him - wanted it all the time. After a few years, the novelty wore off for him. He got tired of coming home from work finding her with a candlelight dinner on the table with 'dessert' in the bedroom, or her being dressed in a negligee ready to shower with him and then take it to the bedroom. He just grew plain tired of it after a while and started finding excuses not to come home directly from work anymore. He put in overtime, went out with friends for happy hour after work, anything to avoid going straight home.

Your husband is just doing the same thing. Except his method of choice is drinking too much beer. He knows darned well sex is off the table if he drinks - and there he sits - drinking most nights.

You do the math.
 
#37 ·
Thank you for your responses; a really mixed bag of comments and ideas!

I don't really want to play 'mind games' with him. It worries me that people think me dressing nicely etc are 'passive aggressive' or manipulative in some way. That's not my intention at all- I just want him to want sex more than beer and I figured that making myself as appealing as possible is a good way to encourage that. After all, if I'm slopping around in pyjamas or still wearing work clothes, it isn't going to inspire him too much!

Maybe I was misunderstood- we don't have sex 3-4 times per week, that's how much I would like. When he's drinking, it's probably once which is too little for me.

He's always enjoyed a drink but I guess in previous years, it's not been every night he's off work like it is now. If it's the weekend, I will have a drink with him and then I don't notice the strong smell on him because I've had some too.

He does have a decent sex drive but maybe it's his age- is it likely that men in their 40s simply don't want sex as much when they get older? But then, he does still touch me and try to get me to have sex when he's had a drink.

I like the idea of making his options more explicit- but I have showered with him, given him massages, send flirty texts and so on so he does know.

I just don't know. We do have a good marriage in so many other ways!
 
#38 · (Edited)
Ok. So he started drinking a little more. I honestly don't think he has a drinking problem. 3-5 beers a night is nothing for a man that likes beer. If he has his priorities straight I see no issue.

Some people's replies are correct that it's the same ol vagina. I'd be careful harping him about 3-5 beers a day. It might bite you in the ass and he'll think you're controlling him.

*Edit*

I've change my thoughts a little. If it bothers you that bad. I guess see if he could reduce his beer intake.

1 beer = 2-3 to majority off the men I know.

When you're married you have to compromise. I just don't know when it ends when it comes to compromising with your spouse. After years together with someone you notice little traits or habits in someone. Then all of a sudden they have to change. I don't get it.

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