Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - World has been turned upside down in a day.
View Single Post
post #2 of (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:49 PM
Affaircare
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 3,852
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

@ddude23,

I'm sorry you're here and that we're meeting under these circumstances, but in a way I'm glad you're here, because we can really help you!

First, I want to forewarn you that some people here have also been betrayed, and when they read posts like yours, they trigger and feel all that hurt and pain again--so they respond pretty harshly (not harsh toward you, but just with some gusto ). So as you read people's replies, please remember that.

Second, I want to tell you right up front that in my first marriage my exH cheated on me and I was DEVASTATED. I cried for days on end. But I want to encourage you because it doesn't last forever and gradually it can get better. It's not instant, I can tell ya that! But gradually over some time, you will feel better, no matter what you choose to do. So don't sink into the darkness. Yes, it's dark right now, but there is hope for the future, okay? Now the part I'm not proud of at all: in my second marriage (my current marriage), I was the one who had the affair. It was all online so all EA, and yet it was definitely unfaithfulness. So I tell you this because I have some understanding of both sides.

Okay--take a deep breath. There are some things you can do immediately that will actually help the situation.

1. Go shopping right now and buy some soup and some lotion kleenex. I know that sounds crazy but you are NOT going to be able to eat with all the crying and the knot in your throat, and yet you need your strength somehow. Soup is warm, feels kind of good, and will give you a little nutrition. And lotion tissues are because I guarantee you, you and your wife are going to be doing some crying, and you will chap your eyelids. Crying into chapped eyelids is physically ouchy--so lotion tissues. You can do that today and help yourself a little tiny bit.

2. She made a vow (aka "a voluntary promise") to YOU to forsake all others and give 100% of her affection, loyalty and companionship to you. She did not promise this for "as long as she had feelings" but rather through all the ups and downs that life throws at you two UNTIL DEATH PARTS YOU. So she has obligations to you. She has no such obligations to the other man (OM). So you are not in a contest to win her as the prize. YOU are her husband and the head of your family.

So do not beg her, or try to "nice" her back to the marriage. I know that is SO HARD because you want to woo her and win her back!! But @ddude23, I guarantee you that will not do it. So read, and read, and read here on the forum so you can learn about affairs, but for now, just do not try to beg and promise her you'll be a better husband. If you want to do anything, gather your courage about you and tell her IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you will not have a third wheel in your marriage, and that you find adultery unacceptable. Tell her she made a moral and legal promise TO YOU and that you do not intend to just let her just go all wishy washy--you will not let her go without FIGHTING for your WIFE! Have the attitude a little bit like "If you want to be with ME, I find this utterly unacceptable and you will stop now or you will not have me!!" Right out, tell her that to remain married to you, she MUST stop the affair immediately and end all contact forever.

3. Finally I want you to keep this in mind: SHE is the one who chose to commit adultery. I highly suspect she is going to talk to you and say something like: "Well if you had paid more attention to me and been more romantic, I wouldn't have felt so lonely and wandered" (attempting to place the blame for her choice on you). DO NOT SHOULDER HER BURDEN. I'm not saying you were a perfect husband--I'll betcha you can learn to do better, right? We all have faults! But she had an obligation to love you and protect the marriage from her own weaknesses, and instead she left herself and the one to whom she made promises vulnerable. So the old marriage you had is dead. The image you had in your head--that is dead. And you were the murder victim and she was the murderer. There is no getting around that truth.

BUT you are the party who was wronged. You can morally and legally choose to divorce, if that is what you choose. Many people consider infidelity a deal-breaker and will not tolerate it at all one little bit. Others have the ability to learn and grown and forgive and are able to offer reconciliation IF THE DISLOYAL SPOUSE ENDS THE AFFAIR...and then learns and grows from what they did. So you have some time to figure out which way you want to go--you don't have to decide that today. In fact, I guarantee that no matter which way you pick, there will be days and times that you'll vacillate . For now, just remind yourself over and over that THE CHOICE IS YOURS. If you want to divorce--I say go to a lawyer, learn your rights, and pursue it as soon as possible. Rip the bandaid off! And if you want to reconcile--then the first thing you'll want to do is END THE AFFAIR. The two of them can never contact each other again, so you may have to move and she may have to leave her job as dance teacher because that is the cost of choosing to screw around with a parent of one of her students.

Okay--that's a start. We'll be here for you.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
Affaircare is online now  
 
 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome