Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)
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post #14 of (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:35 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 645
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

I had two girlfriends walk me to school when I was 11 and got a visit from our parish priest about the makeout parties I was organizing after school. I tried to be monogamous once but my ex fiancee cheated on me and that was it for monogamy. My wife knew all about me years before we met. Had even seen my pictures. Word of mouth was that I was good in bed but not good to enter into a relationship with. Plus I was kinky which attracted all the local kinky girls.

I think I had sex with 4 girls in my first year of marriage. My wife knew of the first and that is when we decided to be non monogamous. My wife knew that I could never just be with one woman sexually. Genetically men are designed to impregnate a few women every day of their life. We are genetically attracted to women who we feel have good genes and to mate with them. Some feel these genetic urges more of less than others. It is estimated that as many as 70% of men cheat. Every boss, man or woman, has cheated on their spouses. I knew this because I travelled with them on business and they did not hide it. All of the siblings of my wife and I cheated as did all of our old friends. It seems that when you vow to be sexuall faithful, it is done with a wink and a nod.

Anyway, our solution was to be in what some call an ethical non monogamous marriage. We did not go looking for sex partners but if one came our way, we could have sex with them. We also got into various forms of group sex. That gave me what I needed and also my wife who was a virgin when we married and curious about sex with others. For all she knew, sex could be much better with others than with me. Quite the opposite happened when she told me that I was more than enough man for her and she no longer wanted to have sex with other men. That still left me with my needs, so she started inviting her girlfriends to join us in bed. We did that about 3-4 times and ended up inviting her best friend to live with us and join our marriage. Our girlfriend was in our life for 30 years and would still be had not fate intervened.

I also dated a few women, maybe 7 in our 44 years of marriage that I had sex with without my wife. My wife was content with me and her girlfriend and she constantly refused to date men or have another man join us in bed since our girlfriend had no objections. Yet she said no and still says no even though she is free to date others if she wants to. It is only fair since she allowed me freedom and shared her lovers with me for most of our marriage.

Read my signature below. It is my belief. We tend to cling to what we learned and were told how to behave, even though it results in a 50% divorce rate. I sometime think monogamy is crazy due to all the cheating going one, little of which is known about. Last study I saw had men at 70% and women at 50-60% cheating and catching up each year. Most of that is due to social media and dating sites. In my time we had to meet girls in our everyday activities. For me that meant at work or traveling by public transportation to and from work. In fact, I met my wife on a train coming home from work.

What I think is most crazy is that to have sex with a woman, other than your wife, for just one night, the moral thing is to first destroy your marriage by divorce, split your assets, fight over property and custody of kids and financially ruin each other. Then and only then can you morally have sex with another women that means nothing more than sex. There is still an element of ownership of each other in marriage. Why does sex with someone else have to be the biggest sin in marriage? Sex can be just sex. Jealousy and monogamy had a very real purpose at one time. The man did not want to waste his limited time and resources raising a kid that did not carry his genes back in ancient times. The women needed the man to stick around to protect and provide for her and her children. So monogamy made sense in olden days. Now women do not need a man other than to donate sperm. She get protected by the police and military. She buys her food in a supermarket and can work to earn her own money. There is DNA testing to determine who the father is. In my day all they good do is blood typing which only limited the child to men with your blood type and not specifically to you.

Having sex with someone other than your spouse does not have to mean you love them less or not at all. My wife and I always kept each other and our marriage above all else. We did not experience jealousy because jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of loss. We did not fear losing each other to someone else and we were very secure in who we are and what we brought to the table. We were able to have sex with others and love other people with no harm to our 44 year marriage. We had periods of time when we were poly, engaged in group sex and were monogamous as we are now. We both experienced what is called compersion which is joy in your partner's pleasure. It is however a way to design your own marriage rather than stick with the one that will follows rules that do not work half the time. Read the article below for details about my kind of marriage.

Not suggesting it to others as there is a large mental component to it to divert from what we have been told and the emotions that will try to surface. Most feel ownership of their spouse's sexual pleasure and that will not work in my kind of marriage. In fact, if you read the article you will learn that jealous can exist with compersion. You just have to be mentally strong enough to not let it interfere. So I cannot judge you even if I wanted to. I have been judged most of my life by the marriage police but they are all divorced now and many had cheated. For some reason they feel that cheating is still within a monogamous framework since it is considered cheating and not a non monogamous marriage. Go figure. Read this.

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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