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My wife is chatting with her ex/NISA

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#1 · (Edited)
My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

I really didn't know where to put this so if I am in the wrong category, please move it.

I am a 35 year old man and my wife is 29. We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have a child, who is 7. In the first half of our relationship my wife was the one pushing to get married (or engaged). When I finally "maned" up and got serious about it she went the opposite direction and start stalling. Stopped talking about marriage, came up with reasons to wait. I felt like I had waited to long, which still could be true, but I wonder if someone else caused her hesitation. During our relationship there wasn't a lot of red flags.

My wife was raped when she was 14 years old. Brutally, terribly, by a gang and she nearly died. During that time she had very close friend who she had known most of her life. He was with her all the time for 4 years. The ended up in a "relationship" for part of that time. I put relationship in quotes because there was no physical intimacy and she barely calls it a relationship in hindsight. The guy enlisted in the military and moved, ended up across the country. They kept in contact, she said not much. Later she moved to the same province, in the closest major city to his base (8 hours away). She said she saw him once or twice, because his brother lived in her city.

I have come to find out that they have been in contact a lot. A lot of late night chats, random texting. She has never hid it, really. But has never been upfront about it either. She doesn't seem to hide it, she leaves her phone unlocked and I can easily see what is being said. When she is having a hard day or something is bother her, she tells him. Even if I did something to bother her or trigger her, she tells him. A lot of it I have never heard her say. She seems more comfortable with him than me. We went through a period were she told me everything about her past/rape. She always felt that if I found out x, y, z detail it would be too much and I'd leave. I didn't want to know, but she needed me to. Over the course of months she spewed out random info until I knew it all and we never talked about it again. With him, she is talking about it. Like if I do something that triggers her she will tell HIM, as well as tell him what I did to trigger and and what exactly it triggered. For example, the most recent thing I saw was that it bothers her when I pee in front of her. She sees me pee almost daily, for 7-8 years, and has never said a word. But she told him that it bothers her because she was pissed on. She's just gotten good at hiding her feelings.

They talk about a lot of other random stuff, not just him being her personal therapist. I'd probably say it's 80% other stuff, 20% her/their past. I have never seen her talk to him about our separate marriage issues. If I do something to trigger her, she will tell him that. But if we're just having an issue separate from her rape, I haven't see her tell him that.

Part of it stems from jealousy, and that is making me not know if I'm am in the wrong or not. He knows her in a way that I never will. There is this whole side to her that I 'know of' but he really, truly knows. He was her rock, her KISA. He got her through everything. He even sat through the trial with her. He was allowed to sit right beside her while she testified, holding her hand. She still leans on him about her past. I'm not an ugly guy, but he is a hell of a lot more attractive and fit than I am. And I hate to say it, but as far as I know he's a really good guy. I have met his brothers and one is a douche but the other is great as well, and she is also close with him (though not to this level).

She has always had this weird 'thing' for army/military guys/people. We live close to a base (not his) and frequently see military personnel, she just stares at them all the time, acts a bit odd and volunteers on base as much as she can. She won't/can't watch military movies with dudes getting themselves blowup/shot, it really bothers her. This guy as been overseas. She always wants to go to military related events open to the public. We went to a vehicle show for our son, they had a hundred of different vehicles but she hovered around the army tank. This guy is an armoured soldier.

He lives 6 hours away, the texts haven't really ever gone sexual (reminiscing really). They have video chatted, though I don't know how much or what was done on that. To my knowledge she hasn't seen him in the last 8 years. Am I being paranoid? Just a jealous husband? I haven't brought this up with her yet. If something is up, i don't want her to get scared and start hiding things.
 
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#2 ·
Not normal. It's an emotional affair. Read up. An X in the middle of a marriage is trouble brewing.

The more time she spends with him the more detached she'll become.

You can't stop her from doing what she wants but you don't have to remain a part of it.

Better set some boundaries and stick to them. If not his will get worse not better.

You need to be spending some quality time Together. Do you have date nights? You'll need @ 15 hours a week, etc. doesn't have to expensive. Dinner and a movie, etc.
 
#5 ·
I read about emotional affairs and some of the signs are there. She isn't secretive with her phone really. If I ask to use it she will let me but takes a second to give it to me usually. Same with her laptop. If I want to use it and and it's in another part of the house, she always goes and gets it and takes a minute. She isn't deleting their conversations, they go back a long ways. But she could be deleting certain messages or history. Of course the opposite is possible, she isn't hiding anything and takes a minute to give it to me because she is legitimately doing/reading something.

Our intimacy has taken a pretty big hit. When she was pushing for marriage, the first half of our relationship, things were great. Then they dipped and it felt like we were roommates. No kissing, no cuddling, no dates, limited sex, fights. We had some issues that caused that, mostly my fault. This may have started way back then. It's also when she totally stopped pushing for marriage and when I brought it up either stalled or straight up said she didn't want to (yet). Things eventually got back on track, and we married. Things were good for a bit. A year into our marriage we had another issue and our marriage went into the dumps. We've been working on it since, it's a lot better but not were it use to be. I don't know if my behaviour is to blame, hers, or both.

When we kiss she tends to pull away, she says it's because my facial hair irritates her skin (wasn't an issue before). When we have sex she participates but her face screams that she doesn't want to be there. Whether that's her past or this guy causing it, I don't know. She has told the other guy that it would be easier to have had sex with him than me. We rarely go on dates, our schedules conflict a lot with me working nights and weekends. She wants to.

So I need to tell her that she needs to stop contacting him? It's what I, or the jealous side of me, wants but at the same time I feel guilty for forcing someone out of her life who helps her. She is in therapy as well.
 
#6 ·
This is something that I need to work on. My wife is very fit, works out 5 days a week, runs 25 miles a week. She gets a lot of attention from men. Interestingly, she didn't start working out until we hit our rough patch 5 years ago. Then went from never running or working out to doing it 5x a week and going from about 140 lbs to 110 lbs. Doing workouts that are considered military type workouts. She pushed herself to the max to make that huge transition in about 3 months.

I on the other hand, not so much. I weight about 40-50 lbs more than I should. Hesitate on buying new clothes because "I'm going to lose the weight" but never do. She tries to encourage me to exercise with her, eat better with her. Not taking care of that is my fault.
 
#4 ·
She went through a traumatic experience.

Start there.

What happened was before you. I would be a bit remiss to say they shared an experience as sure as your wife wished something like that would never have happened to her but it did and he happened to be there.

He doesn't sound like an ******* but it does sound like she feels comfortable unloading on him rather than to you and you're jealous.

He knows her in a way that I never will.

I'm sure he would have loved a more happier circumstance to meet a girl rather than what happened.

It's striking how this starts off as the guy that helped my wife then gradually morphs into he's better looking than me etc etc.

Listen man, you and your wife have a lot to talk about specifically opening up the lines of communication more. The peeing thing she should have been up front with her reason, she shouldn't have to go behind your back or you find out from snooping or badgering.

In a sense it's good she has someone like that to get her issues out into the open with but maybe you two should be doing it together in front of a counsellor?
 
#8 ·
In their messages (which I do feel bad reading) they BOTH said how they wished things would have gone differently. Wished they would have had better circumstances for a relationship. She was a virgin when she was raped and (to my knowledge) I'm the only person she has had sex with since. So technically her only partner. She told him she wished they would have had sex and that he would have been her first. We didn't have sex until about 2 years into the relationship. He has stopped talking to her a few times during our relationship/marriage because "it was too hard". She stopped talking to him a few times because "she had to for our marriage". He's single, never married. Going back far enough in her messages I saw that she stopped talking to him when he got into a relationship.

I make the attractive comment because during my wife and I's relationship she frequently made comments about not liking the totally ripped men or "pretty boys". He is both. She played the part well. I guess she gave that act up because now she drools over them. I'm guessing it was to cover up that she liked him and/or to make me feel better about not meeting that criteria.

We have been through quite a bit of marriage counselling. Still go sometimes. This is something that should be brought up but I don't want to tell her that I've been snooping. We do need to open up the communication though. She should be able to tell me if something is bothering her, especially if it's something that I'm doing daily. Even if I straight out ask her if something bothers her she says no, while her face says yes.
 
#14 ·
The texts are just nice so far...
By the time they get sexual, you have already lost.
Nip it in the bud. If she gets defensive, make sure you have at the ready a good description of an emotional affair. From my reading, most involved in emotional affairs do not understand that IT IS AN AFFAIR. It is a betrayal, a breach of trust and completely disrespectful. That has to be made clear to her, if she is unhappy, let her know that she is welcome to walk straight over to her friend. Let him be blessed with a cheating spouse.

You appear to be frightened of confronting this. You say that you would be taking a dear friend from her. I disagree, you are removing an impediment to your marriage. There cannot be three people in your bed. If she is emotionally dependent on him, then you have already lost her.
 
#19 ·
Gang raped at 14 years old. In a relationship with OM for 4 years after that (18 year old) then he moves away/joins army. You enter her life at 19 yr old. Have a child at around 21 yr, then marry her at around 26 yr even though she has been talking texting OM the entire time and was hesitant to marry you. Been married 3 years and you have seen or heard her say she wishes he had been her first sexual experience after the rape and that it would be easier to have sex with him than you. She is obsessed with all things military and OM is in military. Is this about right?

He is the one that got away. You are the Plan B, the consolation prize she married grudgingly because he was not available but she continues her relationship with him by phone, email, and text. This is much more that a simple friendship and given half a chance she will go with him.

You have to get into some serious MC to save your marriage. Since OM has been her hero and confidant since she was 14 yr old, it may be impossible.

Sorry.
 
#21 ·
I have a different take. The others seem to be ignoring these "problems" you say you caused including dating for seven years without proposing. I think you need to take a long look at yourself,do the right things instead of daydreaming about and man up. The way you described it I'm surprised she is still with you. Normally I would say she is in a run of the mill emotional affair. Oddly, the other guy is a cross between a brother and an unrequited love.

I'm guessing as much as you imply you have let her down, she would choose divorce over unfriending him. She is damaged and from your first sentence I thought that was going to be because she had abuse in her background. This turns out to be much worse except for the sex. Abused women usually associate the man they are married to as an abuser and cut way back on sex. In your case, you say your own behavior has caused her to pull back.

Frankly, since she isn't hiding her communications, I would get a clue, fix myself and use her chats with him as my guide. My guess though is you don't have it in you to be a stand up guy.

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER below. You need it badly. She's fit and your fifty pounds over weight. That's her big clue to your character. Btdt
 
#24 ·
Normally I would say she is in a run of the mill emotional affair. Oddly, the other guy is a cross between a brother and an unrequited love.
I usually agree with you Chap, but you are dead wrong saying that there is any brotherly feeling involved between her and the other man (OM). No way she could be telling the OM that she wishes that he was the first person that she had sex with, and that even today sex with the OM would be easier for her than sex with her husband. Sorry that is not how you talk to a brother. No way, no how. This is in fact a full blown emotional affair (EA), where the common run of the mill excuse that the OM is like a brother is being used.
 
#22 ·
Yea, @Chaparral raised an excellent point. Why did it take you 7 years to marry her? She's good enough to have a kid with but you hesitated on marriage? She should have been your wife BEFORE your kid was born.

As soon as she was pregnant and you both decided to have it, your very next action should have been to propose. She had to go through the whole pregnancy and the baby/toddler years as a girlfriend. That was not forgotten. Then years later, you want to make an honest woman of her? Not surprised that she was luke warm. Especially if her "friend" is possibly telling her "
if you were having my baby, I would've married you."

But there is nothing you can do about the past. You can only move forward. Get your stuff together ASAP. Your marriage is in trouble. To be honest, there could be a local guy that she's talking to. You're so focused on this guy that you're letting your guard down on a local guy. Especially someone at the gym.

I repeat. MOVE with some urgency. Get your sh.. together.
 
#25 ·
When I was 14, I got into a relationship, physical and otherwise, with a girl a year older than me who was raped by her father. I was raped and molested as a child and we helped each other and supported each other.

I encouraged and helped her press charges against her dad and get into a better situation.

We are still friends and will always have a connection.

That being said, I married my wife and owe her my loyalty and both physical and emotional fidelity.

Your wife is way out of line and has no reason to cheat emotionally like she is.

She can always have a special connection with him but she better only honor you as husband.

He needs to cut his sh*t out and support your marriage if he is a true friend.

I would talk with both of them separately. I would send him a picture of your daughter and ask him if his intentions towards the little girl's parents was in her best interest?

Tell him to grow the hell up and get his own family while expressing appreciation for how much he helped your wife in her time of need.

You need to have a grown up discussion with your wife as well.
 
#30 · (Edited)
I originally left out the cheating because I knew if I said I cheated on her I would just get told to divorce her, that she deserves better, that I deserve to be cheated on as well, that this is all caused by my cheating and she has done nothing wrong, etc. I realized that was wrong of me and I posted the other half of the equation. She knows about everything that I have done. She chose to stay and to go to MC. She had cold feet before (and after) I cheated.

A timeline, as requested:

-My wife was raped in 2002. She was in some sort of a non-intimate relationship with her ex somewhere between 2002 and 2006. In 2006 he enlisted in the military and moved away.

-A few months later my wife moved to the same province that he is stationed in “for school”.

-6 months later in early 2007 we met and started a relationship.

-The first year of our relationship could barely be seen as a relationship, we didn’t even kiss and barely held hands. There was something about her, that I wanted to work for.

-In 2008 we started seeing a sex therapist, to help open the doors to intimacy.

-We had sex for the first time in 2009, she got pregnant almost immediately. This is when she started talking about marriage. She wanted to be engaged at the very least, I didn’t want to propose just because she was pregnant.

-Somewhere in the middle we moved in together.

-We had a child in 2010. She kept pressing for marriage. She was upset that I wouldn’t marry her but had a child with her (an accidental child).

-After she got pregnant and up until our child was a few months old, there wasn’t much contact between my wife and her ex.

-After our child was born things slowly started getting worse. I didn’t enjoy being a father, I didn’t have any bond. My wife was controlling, and now I appreciate her for it because she knew better than I did, but at the time I viewed it as I wasn’t good enough to help her or my opinion didn’t matter. She kept pressing for marriage and I was getting further away from it. She started pulling back from me and I started pulling back from her, our intimacy stopped, she stopped talking about marriage and the odd time I brought it up she wasn’t interested.

-Contact with her ex picked up again.

-In late 2011 and early 2012 I had an affair with a long ago ex-girlfriend of mine (from 20 years ago now) who I was working with.

-My wife found out about the affair from a friend of mine. It snapped me out of it and I ended the affair.

-After my wife found out about the affair she very suddenly decided to lose weight and get back in shape. She started a very vigorous exercise program with a personal trainer. She had about 30 pounds of weight that stuck around after her pregnancy, she lost it in 3 months. And went from being stationary to working out 5x a week and running 5x a week.

-I have not spoken to that women since the day my wife found out. I quit my job and found another one, taking a significant pay decrease. My wife has had full access to all of my electronics since and can ask where I am, what I’m doing whenever she wants. For the first year I had to call and check up constantly.

-My wife and I started MC and continued with that for 2 years. We got back to a good place in our relationship.

- Contact with her ex stopped shortly after we start MC, mid-2012. There is a year with no visible contact.

-Contact with her ex started again in mid-2013.

-Late 2013 I started talking about marriage and she was the one who was hesitant.

-In January 2014 I proposed to her and we married that March. My wife had cold feet through our short engagement.

-When I proposed he stopped contact with her, January 2014.

-The start to our marriage was good, we kept up with MC though went much less.

-They remained in no contact for most of 2014, sporadic messages.

-In 2015 I had a series of one night stands with other women.

-I told my wife that I had cheated on her, though I didn’t tell her with how many women. Once again I quit my job and this time (due to her wishes) we moved (2 hours closer to her ex). I found another job and once again we went back to MC full swing.

-Contact started back up with her ex. He supported her through a lot of it. He told her to leave me (understandable).

-Come to think of it my wife went to visit "family" for a week immediately after finding out about my cheating, which she has never done before or since.

-In MC I confessed to my wife exactly what I had done in the previous months. It was a very hard road to get out of that hole I dug.

-We started 2016 on a good note. Things seemed to be looking up for us. Contact with her ex stops again.

-Mid 2016 **** went downhill again. My wife pulled back, intimacy stopped. She started using her phone more often, being on social media more, was very slightly more protective over her electronics. She no longer has an interest in me.

-Contact with her ex has been high since. We have been in MC on and off, with no progress to be made.
 
#32 ·
I originally left out the cheating because I knew if I said I cheated on her I would just get told to divorce her, that she deserves better, that I deserve to be cheated on as well, that this is all caused by my cheating and she has done nothing wrong, etc. I realized that was wrong of me and I posted the other half of the equation. She knows about everything that I have done. She chose to stay and to go to MC. She had cold feet before (and after) I cheated.
Oh I see you left out a minor detail, like being a serial cheater. You fooled us like you fooled your BW. :mad:
 
#31 ·
Why exactly did you decide to leave the fact that you are a repeat offender cheater out of your story?!?

Drone on and on whining about her talking to her KISA, when you did SO much worse to her over and over?
I've got no help for you dude. In fact, she should go be with him!! You can't even be honest to a bunch of strangers on the internet. How in the world must she feel?

Your one lucky SOB that she is even still with you...
 
#33 ·
I left it out because I knew this was the type of response I would get... Yes, I cheated on her. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I've paid for those mistakes and still am. Even though I cheated, if she is cheating that still does not make it okay. My own past makes me more willing to work on this, she did it for me when I betrayed her.

Either way, I'm going to have to talk to her today. Even if she isn't cheating, she is confiding in a man other than her husband. Every time our relationship takes a hit, she runs back to him. When our relationship is good, he's out of the picture. She isn't innocent here. I'm not either, I'm more than aware for that and I pay for it every day. I looked up her gym log last night, she's been going twice a day for the last 9 months though she tells me that she only goes in the morning. Our schedules allow me to be completely unaware of her day.

I will regret cheating on my wife every day for the rest of my life. I probably deserve to understand how she felt. That still doesn't give her a free pass, though. Her ex needs to go. She should probably switch an an all women's gym as well, we have a couple.

Oh I see you left out a minor detail, like being a serial cheater. You fooled us like you fooled your BW. :mad:
I said that I hurt her, and I said that we had rough patches. I didn't totally leave it out or ignore it. I didn't want a series of responses that all followed the same pattern of, I did worse to her, I don't deserve her, I deserve it, she should be with her ex, I'm just shifting my own guilt and she's doing nothing wrong. I realized that was wrong and corrected myself.
 
#40 · (Edited)
This evening I tried to talk to my wife about our marriage and her behaviour, she was lying through her teeth. I didn’t tell her that I knew she was lying, I just went with it. It was incredibly hard to do that and not lash out at her. When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy. She forgave me for cheating. Every time, she forgave me. Previously I thought I could offer her the same forgiveness but I don’t know if I really could. If it’s purely emotional then maybe but if it’s gone physical, with anyone, I might be done.

We have security cameras that I was suppose to install months ago and never got around to it. I put one in our bedroom in a place were she won’t notice it. I work nights so she could bring anyone home for the night and I’d never know. If she has someone over I will know. If she calls someone, I know she FaceTime’s her ex regularly, I’ll be able to see/hear that.

She has been going to the gym twice as much as she tells me. And more than she even needs to. Who needs to go to the gym in the morning, afternoon and run 5 miles around the neighbourhood? The gym she goes to has a website with an online log, she uses the same passwords for everything so I can login and see when she is there. I might give her a surprise visit tomorrow.

I logged into her Facebook and looked at her ex's brother's facebook pages. They have posted pictures with her ex 5x in the last 15 months. The pictures say where they were taken which proves her ex has been coming down this way every 3 months. Around the time the pictures were posted the chatting slowed down or skipped a few days.

She obviously isn't going to come clean. I don't look at her the same anymore. Like what, is she having gang bangs at the gym every day? She is supposed to be sooo frickin' traumatized from her rape. Not acting like it now.
 
#47 ·
When I cheated on her, I told her everything. The least she can do is offer the same courtesy.
Foot in mouth. You did NOT tell her everything. You only told her you cheated. Not with how many women you had one night stands with.

-In 2015 I had a series of one night stands with other women.

-I told my wife that I had cheated on her, though I didn’t tell her with how many women.
You expect more of your wife than you are willing to give her. Perhaps she is on to you and that's why she is seemingly done with your marriage. I know I would be.
 
#41 ·
Re: My wife is chatting with her ex/KISA

Trauma has weird ways of coming out. She hid sex but perhaps 'owning' sex is another coping mechanism.

I'm not sure that her having a physical affair in addition to her ex boyfriend smells right to me. I usually start with the most likely scenario.

The most likely scenario is she shut down after your second set of affairs. The marriage was saved but the love was not. I think this ex, while absolutely an affair, is more of an awkward outlet for her emotions. You cannot be trusted and neither of you ever put in the work to rebuild that.

You do need to find out if this is an affair but you also need IC to help you repair some of this damage. You may be trying to repair something that isn't there
 
#42 · (Edited)
Its really hard to determine who the real lying cheating immoral scumb@g is here actually! Jeez! "At least I told her everything when I got caught cheating (many times)"!!!!! Indeed! You really need to fix yourself before even trying to understand why she is trying to get away from you and is cheating.
 
#44 ·
She has already detached from you and is probably preparing to leave.

If I read your post correctly, her ex has possibly been with her several times already.

It doesn't really sound like you love her if you are only with her because of your child.

If you loved her, I could give you advice to fight for her.

How devoted are you to keeping your marriage to her?

It is going to take a lot of effort from you to get it heading in the right direction and it still might not work.
 
#49 · (Edited)
OP,

Just because your wife made the decision to stay with you after your cheating, doesn't mean the slate is clean. She can't help but be effected by it, and now you are seeing the results. She is having an EA with him, trusts him more than she does you, and is likely looking for an exit affair. If not with him, then I predict someone else eventually.

And if she would divorce you before giving up this "friend", your marriage is on life support. To me, you only have one choice if you want to save it.

Sit down with your wife and have a talk. Tell her you love her. Apologize to her again for betraying her, thank her for giving you another chance, and tell her you are 100% committed to meeting her needs and being the husband she deserves. Tell her you want to be the person she can talk to about anything. But.....you can't accept her continuing to have contact with this friend; because it's an EA and it's destroying the marriage.

If she refuses; don't lash out at her. Tell her that you understand. Take responsibility for your past actions that are influencing her decision. Tell her you love her again and that you just want her to be happy - so it's best that you both move on.

Then start the divorce process. Do a modified 180, don't sleep with her; but be kind while you're doing it. Give her room to change her mind. If she doesn't, finish the D and take the life lesson you learned into your next relationship.
 
#52 ·
Ok, I apologize for any douchey, rude, crappy things I have said here. I just want to figure out what the hell my wife is doing behind my back. She denies, denies, denies. I surprised her at the gym to "take her out on a date" and she wasn't wearing her wedding rings. She said she takes them off to work out but she doesn't at home. I told her that I know her ex has been coming down here, she "swore" she hasn't seen him. I'm tempted to take her phone and message her ex, pretending to be my wife and she what happens. I want to know who the **** she is ****ing, because it sure ain't me.
 
#58 ·
She wasn't happy when I surprised her at the gym, I went when she should have been close to being done. I told her that she needs to stop contacting her ex because it's affecting our marriage. Her response was that I'm just projecting my actions and my guilt onto her and that not everyone cheats. That she isn't giving up her closet friend because my cheating led me to be insecure. And that she isn't cheating but what is going to screw up our marriage is my insecurities, jealousy and "stocking". And that she can't talk to me about our problems because I don't care enough.

Where do I go from here? I know she is hiding something. She downplays the amount of contact and type of contact she has with her ex. She has no answer for why she takes her ring off at the gym but not at home other than "so it doesn't get lost". She doesn't take it off anywhere else and they are well fitted so they don't fall off. She has been acting off for a long time. After confronting her she changed her passwords and factory reset her phone.
 
#61 ·
That she isn't giving up her closet friend because my cheating led me to be insecure.

Where do I go from here?
You can either accept things the way they are and let it go; or you can start the divorce process.

But I can tell you this; as long as your wife values her friendship with him more than her marriage, you don't have much of a marriage to cling on to - if you decide to do nothing.
 
#62 ·
Your comment "who she is whoring herself out to" seems to define you.

Let me ask you this, do you think your wife at one time blamed herself for your adultery? That she couldn't give you what a normal person could? Note I ask not what you thought or said. I asked if she might have?

Your child, what is your relationship with the child? You work nights, that gibes you the entire afternoon and early evening.
 
#64 ·
I apologize for that comment, I removed it from my post. My wife is having sex with another man of course I am upset and have said some things that I should not have. I'm not one to believe in karma but I probably deserve what has been thrown my way.

I know that my wife blamed herself. She has blamed herself since the moment it happened. Even before, really. She wasn't the cause but yes she did blame herself. Trust me I know that I hurt her, if I could take it back I would. Unfortunately that isn't an option. That being said, two wrongs do not make a right. Just because I cheated on her does not give her a free pass to also cheat. I know she is sleeping with someone. It may not be her ex, I'm starting to doubt that it is, but it's someone.

Why would she value her marriage more. OP cheated on her, OM has always been there for her. It's no wonder that she trust the OM more.
She agree to stay married. In that moment our marriage should have been more important. She may trust a friend more than me but she should also be willing to work on that. She hasn't shown any sign that she wants to try to transfer that trust to me.
 
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