Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - lingering questions in my mind
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post #12 of (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:02 AM
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 911
Re: lingering questions in my mind

Originally Posted by sancheharri View Post
hello everyone,

i discovered evidences of an affair a couple of years ago but my cheating wife just confirmed it about 6 months ago. the usual anger, arguments, drama, etc...tried MC but stopped bacause i feel being pressured to accept that i was part of the reason for her 4-month sexual affair.

my cheating wife is evasive and defensive when being questioned. she insists she's already being honest and truthful with her answers but i feel she's misleading me to hide the real picture, or perhaps she's still in denial.

i'm asking for your opinions since i feel i can't get the whole truth from her.

several questions i can think of right now -

1) she says she didn't have any feelings with the guy, they treated each other as buddies during the affair. that's why she was able to let it go easily. she even told the guy it was just sex. - BUT she said she cuddled to him after having sex for the first time, and she felt "they bonded" when they had sex.

2) she says she didn't exert effort to seduce him, she was just being friendly. - BUT she admitted "she entertained" his advances, she had conversations and flirted "harmlessly" back at him, allowed the guy to be alone with her in her room.

3) she says she didn't enjoy the sex. she felt dirty and cheap in one of the encounters. everytime they had sex she just laid there and let him do all the work - BUT she admitted she did somewhat enjoy the first time, and the guy tried to "pleasure her during the third sex. she went on to bang him "5 times only".

4) she says they used condoms everytime they had sex. - BUT based on her words, it seems all the encounters are spontaneous (during work, lunch breaks, after work, early morning)

5) she says didn't set-out to have an affair with him although she found him attractive when they met. they were just "good friends" or acquaintances. - BUT she admitted fantasizing about him way before their first sexual encounter.

6) she says she didn't care what the guy felt for her or what he thought of her.- BUT she said she had sex for validation and to feel attractive and sexy.

7) she says she's not a "sl*t". - BUT she insists the guy was just an acquaintance, and blurted out during an argument that "...i wish i could've been paid as well...i became so cheap..."

8) she said she's not into FWB. - BUT she did have a sex affair with "just a friend".

9) she still believes and feels that the guy was "true and honest, that the guy didn't just use her for sex" . - BUT she admitted that the guy didn't stay overnight or spent much time with her, didn't invite her for a decent date, didn't call or sent messages. just the usual "buddy" relationship.

10) she said she stopped the affair when the guy started comparing and complaining about his wife, and the affair was somewhat becoming "serious". - BUT she now says she stopped the affair because "she felt nothing good is coming out of it, her expectations were not met."

these are just some of the many questions in my mind, very confusing and draining.

if i can't get rational answers from her, i'm hoping i can find some help in this forum.

TIA guys!...
Basically, you are getting no answers and no healing because your wife does not believe for a second that she is going to not be able to intimidate you into letting it go. She cheated on you yet she is in total control. You have two choices.

(1) accept what happened and be a "good boy"
(2) see an attorney and tell her what the conditions for recinciliation are, and that they are non negotiable.

You cannot move on without the full truth, and right now you have no clue what really happened or if it was the only time she has cheated. And others have asked you some questions that you need to demand answers to, not ask. And I would start with the polygraph test.

Apparently if this occurred years ago and you only found out six months ago, you were gaslighted for a long time. Women who do this are not trustworthy at all, and her reaction to the polygraph will tell you wonders. Those with nothing to hide ,hide nothing.

She is in total control. You say divorce is on the table, but I would bet your wife believes she has a better chance of getting hit by lightning in her living room than you walking right now. When she believes otherwise, you might make progress.
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