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post #4 of (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:30 PM
DustyDog's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Edging slowly closer to the frozen tundra
Posts: 464
Re: Do You and Your Partner Argue About How Much Time You Spend Together?

While I agree with some of the article's recommendations - such as it's OK to have your desires and express them, and you should be OK that your partner's desires are meaningful also, I am trouble by the article's overall tone of "me versus you". I see very little "us" in the article.

Too, I am informed by reality. John Gottman's "Love Lab" in Seattle, after decades of study, measurement etc, has determined that there really is a numerical value. 15 hours a week. Below 15 hours a week of couples time, the statistical probability of divorce within the next ten years takes a significant spike upwards - like doubles, if I recall. "Couples time" by their definition requires some involvement. You could be working a project together, walking (even silently) in a low-distraction environment such as a nature park (a mall is high-distraction and only counts as couple time if you're engaged in conversations while being there). TV watching is never "couples" time according to the Love Lab.

My own situation is kind of sad. Wife really does not trust people...any people. She trust things about them, such as my presence makes her feel like we'll be OK with money because she trusts my money judgment way above her own - and way above that of any financial advisor. However, she has so little faith in herself that any conversation or interaction feels risky, as if she's going to expose yet another thing wrong with her.

Just as I was composing this, she came into my office, hugged me and said, "I'm sorry I'm so badly broken." I told her that can't feel good, but I don't think of her as broken, but having a wonderful heart and if she could learn to trust herself more, she probably would be more able to see all the good she does. That's kind of where I see myself adding something - encouraging her not to change, but to realize she doesn't have to.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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