Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

How does the sand taste bremik? I told you so.....

128K views 534 replies 67 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
There have been talks on here how those "holding out" for love or pinning hopes on reconciliation often end up coming back when the other shoe finally drops. Here I am!

Ironically, I have been trying to talk to my wife since last November and various "now is not a good time" by me or her got me to this past Friday. I decided to write a letter complete with what I loved about her, what I thought was bad about her but was just a part of her personality that I considered and accepted to be a part of who she was. And finally, that her relationship/boundary handling of other males coupled with the lies and deceptions surrounding those relationships was something I could no longer emotionally handle. Hoped for a good talk Friday night and instead got good sex- awesome but not what I was hoping for.

Saturday she and a 2 of our children were away during the day and unfortunately for both of us she left her phone. After mentioning in her letter how much she guarded her phone I of course wouldn't let such an opportunity escape and started searching the phone. Also in my letter I had how her college "friend" Jay had been such a detriment to our marriage and lo and behold I found out through her phone that her and Jay have been i-messaging for at least a year and I would say safe to bet longer than that. Since 3 pm yesterday afternoon when I figured this out I have pretty much been wanting to throw up. Not only have they been in contact with each other he has a new number - one of the reasons I didn't catch it- and just to make sure to really hide things my wife had that new number under his farm name and not his actual name- another miss on my part.

Just to drive the stake in a little deeper she proceeded to talk to me that night- unaware of my find that day- how I just can't get past the "issues" and just keep going in circles with all this. Oh and she hadn't talked to Jay so why is he an issue still? She agreed trust was the issue and was doing everything she could do to re-build that trust. So TAM members/posters you have another point of win in your court.

Any newbies to this- read and memorize BS with a long time update. I got a lot out of it and myself have lived a lot of it. I-messaging sucks because it doesn't show up on cell phone logs. True remorse and hard honesty is a must for reconciling at a minimum. Just my input
 
See less See more
#255 ·
BPD refers to borderline personality disorder.

You have got rough and rugged road to travel. Your wife has emotionally abused you for years.

Do you realize that?

What she has done to you is enough to emotionally destroy a man.

I urge you to keep moving forward and laying plans for a new life without her and prepare the way for a happy new life.
 
#264 ·
OP,
Your W is not a monster, she is not despicable, she is not evil, what she is is a child. The stimulus in her childhood never forced maturation. One does not think a child evil but rather disciplines them to correct their behavior. What she needs is a good old fashioned spanking, or perhaps several. Some will call that abuse but is correcting the wayward behavior of an underdeveloped intellect, be it in the body of an 8 year old or a 38 year old, actually abusive or constructive? People say "this is what she wants" but in reality what child truly knows what they want, what is best for them? That is why they need guidance and discipline. She did not get enough when she was physically a child and now you pay the price.
 
#266 ·
That is exactly my feeling and also why I feel it messes with my mind so badly. I was going to write this morning that I compare our relationship to that of a parent and drug addict child of whatever age. As a parent no matter how much they steal from you or even maybe have physically harmed you , you still love that child with all your heart. You may cry and feel horrible when you call the police to turn them in because it is what they need but you STILL love them and must move forward.

It is obvious that discipline lacks in my wife's personal relationship and financial management. The same logic applies of how do you talk to jay still after all this and how do you write a check for something when you are told or have seen the money isn't in the account to cover it? Absolutely horrible action/consequence thought processing.
 
#267 ·
You saw a man humping your wife's leg and did nothing?

You seriously need to read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER by Athol Kaye(?) . Available at amazon and Barnes and Noble for book form or download. If some guy dry humped my wife, one of would have ended up in a hospital. It doesn't matter who won. The message is what your wife gets not the interloper. Not doing anything to stop it sent the message to your wife you weren't a manly man.
 
#271 ·
It is ironic you mentioned this because it came across my mind this morning. That guy was the same guy who's dad was telling everyone my wife was leaving me for his son. He was a complete idiot one of those types that everybody let hang around them because he would always do something so stupid it was funny but at times you would just roll your eyes at him.

A whole group my wife's friends- which included jay and this guy mike- and her and I went up to jay's hometown which was about 2 hrs from home. Basically just went out to bars. Mike was very drunk and being typical very stupid. My wife and I were sitting up at the bar with jay and some others. Mike came up out of nowhere and did that. My wife had nothing to do with instigating it and did try to push him back. For whatever reason I had 2 thoughts as I was holding back punching him- 1) how will we get home if I start a fight and 2) I was honestly afraid I would kill him I was so angry. Another irony is jay himself apologized for mike being stupid
 
#270 ·
The only way you can detach and move forward is by cutting as much contact with her as possible. Don't let yourself talk to her-- puts you backward.. Don't let yourself dwell on thoughts about her--- puts you backward. Do try to get yourself interested in something else. Hobbies, meet a new friend, get a side job. Anything to occupy your mind and get her off it.

Right now, your mind is still working on how to fix her. You are working on how to get things right.
You are thinking about her discussing things with you and telling you what you want to hear.
As long as you have hope that she will change and that this will stop--- IT WON'T.

What MIGHT cause her to realize that there are actually consequences is that you serve her with papers and making it obvious she is no longer your priority and that you really have stopped caring about her. I doubt even that would actually shake her up. But it's your only hope.

The 180 is not a strategy for getting your wife back. It's a strategy to help you get to a point mentally that you don't place importance on your spouse one way or another. It's to help you get healthy again. LEtting your spouse have this much power over your happiness is really not a good idea. I've done it, pretty much let it happen again with my current "relationship".

I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm becoming a much stronger person emotionally. You will have to as well, if you expect to be successful in this or any other relationship.

The absolute best thing to do in order to explain to your wife that she has disrespected you, wronged you, and that you are not tolerating it anymore is to STOP conversing with her. Every time you say "you chose him over me", you are telling her you CARE about HER. You've got to stop that. Start showing her that you care about YOU. Then, maybe, just maybe, she will start caring about you, too.
 
#272 ·
That's a great way to look at it too! I can't deny I still love her and it should be obvious that apparently it would take a lot for me not to. However, I can honestly say I am tired of this and looking at this all as a dance between her and I and watching it play out even now is incredible to be aware of. In MY MIND telling myself over and over that jay was always chosen first and that in spite of all this crying going on right now my wife still hasn't talked about it is what is motivating me forward. We were embroiled in the deepest talks of our relationship issues last year with me telling her that her actions were making me feel different towards her and yes the subject of divorce had come up yet all the while jay was "around" that is a brutal pill to swallow and I use it as my motivation.

I grew up moving around a lot when I was young and my dad is a veterinarian. For whatever reason I have learned to be able to detach and completely start over on things. If an animal came in to the clinic that I might have been attached to had to be put down that thought would bother me initially but once it was put down I accepted and moved on. We had a cow once that was out of my favorite cow family and I just loved her, she had been to the fair with the kids and was just awesome. She needed what we originally thought was going to be a simple surgery but when we got her opened up found out it was a lot worse and not repairable. I walked this cow out to the dirt lot with a halter on to be put down and she happily went bouncing along and I told the vet I needed him to put her down because I couldn't bear to do it. Once she was gone I accepted and moved on. What I am saying is I think that is where I am right now and why I just keep plodding forward. I am sure I will slip up before it is done but that is why I am so focused on laying the ground work with a lawyer etc. I don't want to do this but I know it is what has to be done and I think once it is done I will accept it and move on
 
#275 ·
She is an adult therefore she is being a monster. A child is just learning how to manipulate and your wife is LONG past this, even is she was coddled as a child. Sorry, if anyone is the child in this scenario it is you. You seek her approval and just want her to be happy. This is why children love their abusive and rapist parents, their love is unconditional. They constantly look for ways to excuse, condone and forgive the monsters in their lives. No, she is not a child at all.
 
#278 ·
Keep looking for lawyers. The more I hear about your W, the more I'm gobsmacked at her behavior and your nonaction. I can see you're waking up though.

Forge ahead!! And ignore her tears. She's not crying for the potential loss of your marriage; shes crying for the potential loss of her decades of oh so delicious cake. Trust that.
 
#282 ·
NoChoice;17669665 She lacks this ability and although it is possible that she will mature further [B said:
it will be minimally[/B], is highly unlikely and may take years to decades to occur

Her growth could have been stunted through alcohol use as well. How young did she start drinking @bremik? How often does she drink?


This is what happens to kids that become alcoholics when they are very young. If they started drinking heavily in let's say around 12, that is where their mentality gets stunted. If in their early teens, that is where they mentality stunts as well. I learned that when I had to send my 17 year old son to rehab for drug use. They were all teens in the place where he chose to go. Most were heavy drinkers by about age 12. I was dumb founded with that tidbit.:surprise:
 
#284 ·
She never drank until college. Her family never had any alcohol in the house. She only drinks casually now. I consider jay a drunk and that is who she hung with in college on nights out with friends. I just worried because she seemed out of control in general. Not to make excuses but there is a reason WI has a lot of breweries in it!
 
#308 · (Edited)
Bremik, you are obviously afraid of jay and mike. Nobody allows their wife to be "dryhumped" in front of them.
It is definitely a case of you being ridiculed by them in front of your wife. They had a good laugh about that at your expense.
Who gives a rats arse if "jay" apologized for that crap.

If you allow such bs to occur in the future, you're going to have the same thing with the next woman.
You don't have to fight, you don't have to shoot anyone---- but when you or your wife are disrespected to this extent in front of you---- you should do SOMETHING.
And if they want a physical confrontation, you should be willing at all costs.
You cannot let your lady see you as weak in front of other men.

This is your main problem with your wife.

I almost think if you showed up at your wife's work at closing time and had a "word" with these guys in a tone that anyone would understand, your wife would see you differently and might start showing you a little respect.
I doubt it, because she's a person of dubious character.

But let's face it--- isn't it about time you confronted these guys in front if your wife and settled business on your end?
Send your wife packing, but send a message to these guys in order to keep your own mind free of doubt and shame. Handle this!

Btw, some old dude told YOU That your wife was leaving you for his son?
How did you explain things to THIS guy? It should have been explained with harsh words and gritted teeth.

If your wife didn't leave this den of trash and get a different job, I'd just divorce and move on. Really.

As long as she's around these guys, you have no marriage.
 
#315 ·
No I never talked to the "old dude" as he lived down by some very good friends of ours and they called me asking if everything was ok and told me why because he had told them that. As far as confrontation and calling me scared I guess think what you must. I do agree as long as she is buddies w jay my problems stay
 
#311 · (Edited)
@TRy, hi disagree that Jay and Mike are alpha males. They are ******* alpha wannabes and bullies. I refuse to allow individuals like them in my life unlike bremilk. To allow these individuals into one's life for any reason is to refuse to grow up and become an adult. This applies regardless of gender.

If I was to move to location near Bremilk and becomes friends with him and ran into jay and mike I would ignore them and advise Bremilk what many here are doing. If mike and jay tried to associate with me I would bluntly inform them to not speak to me since they are ******* wannabes who judge their maieness by ****ing around with woman when they are married. I would conclude by advising them life is to short to allow losers into it.

Hey I am a mellow, helpful guy, and really nice guy to perhaps 92% of the world but a cold hearted, ruthless ******* to the other 8%.
 
#312 ·
@TRy, hi disagree that Jay and Mike are alpha males. They are ******* alpha wannabes and bullies. I refuse to allow individuals like them in my life unlike bremilk.
First, in commenting on Jay being the groups alpha male, I never commented on Mikes alpha status. Second, even if Jay would be a alpha wannabe in most groups, in this group he may very well be the alpha male. Even if Jay is just an alpha wannabe in this group, he is faking alpha for the OP's wife, and she is buying into it enough that she always puts Jay first.
 
#327 ·
OP,
For what it is worth I do not see you as weak, scared nor inferior. I see you as an adult surrounded by children. If an actual dog came up and humped your wife's leg what would you think? It is a dog and it is behaving on instinct. As I see it there is little difference between that dog and these "adults" you are forced to deal with. Could you even imagine going up to a woman and humping her leg? Can you imagine the intellect necessary to consider that acceptable behavior?

There is speak of an "alpha" male as if we are referring to a pack of wolves. You are a cognizant being and this behavior is foreign to you and quite puzzling. There are those that attribute maturity to this behavior but I cannot nor can you it would seem. Do you believe that if your wife was cognitively developed that she would be impressed by an "alpha male". She would not, she would see their behavior as the juvenile antics that it is. You have nothing to prove to any of those neanderthals. You see them for the immature, insecure, superficial dullards that they are but sadly your wife does not because she is more aligned with their developmental stage than with yours.

You have matured beyond them but unfortunately your wife has not. This is the tragic reality that many of us face.
 
#334 · (Edited)
Your wife is behaving like the college groupie and the guys are enjoying her sl**ty behaviour. Contact thier spouses, somehow get the truth and then nuke them with exposure to employer, family, everyone. That stuff is fine in college but they are wrecking lives now. They should be held accountable and be taught a lesson in adulthood.

I should add that this could be a group thing. You should keep an open mind. :(
 
#339 ·
Well I'm not sure how all this disagreeing about something that happened long ago is going to be helpful now. It's in the past and done. How about if we focus on the present?

So @bremik you thought the weekend was going to be rough. How is it going? Is she trying the sad face, tearing up, or tempting sex? Have you managed to keep yourself away from her and busy with something else--like something to build you up and help you grow as a human and father maybe?

Also I'm going to throw this out there just as a thought. Did you know that I had an affair and that my Dear Hubby and I reconciled? I consider it a true reconciliation because we didn't just rugsweep it but rather BOTH actually looked at our own selves and changed. We both wanted to be different, better people! So one thing my Dear Hubby did while I was having my affair, that completely stopped things in its tracks and 100% changed my view of him, was that he found out who my OM was and found out his contact info, and he wrote to him and said "If you think I'm going to give her up without a fight, you are dead wrong. She is my WIFE and you better back the hell off because do not intend to just turn her over lightly."

Up to that point, I didn't think he really gave a hoot one way or another...not that he "disliked" me, but rather I thought he was indifferent. Apparently he was NOT indifferent and I really mattered to him! Enough that he was willing to fight for me! Now I doubt if he would have actually had a fist fight or anything like that--he's a very peaceful person by nature--but he did intend to do everything in his power to get me back. And after he said that, I looked at him in a different way. I respected him. He wasn't a little wishy-washy guy but rather this big, tall mountain of a man who was willing to do what a man had to do! That's REALLY powerful. Now when he is peaceful I know that it's like a Clydesdale mare with her foal--she has the power to absolutely kick the **** out of whatever got in her way or threatened to harm her or her foal--but when she's with her foal, she is gentle and peaceful. That's my Dear Hubby.

So maybe for the future, it might be something to tuck away that many times, the lady-folk will look at a guy a little differently when he's willing to stand up and have a backbone. That doesn't mean he necessarily has to be the guy who goes around picking fights, but rather when the time requires it--he CAN and WILL stand tall.

Let us know how your weekend is going!
 
#344 ·
Brimik
You have gotten over 300 replies and advice and almost all of it is excellent…You have taken very little action so far and you can post on here for another 300+ replies but ONLY YOUR STRONG ACTIONS WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!

You need to do whatever you need to do so that you TAKE STRONG ACTIONS!...Do not fool yourself, talking is not enough to get you out of your misery.

If you cop out of taking actions you will become a spineless door mat that will not be any good to yourself or anyone else, including your children...You can still save your self respect and dignity but you cannot back down now.
 
#347 ·


Everyday that has gone by since a week ago Saturday is making it more and more apparent that this is how the game/dance works.

I have also realized that I always initiate the talks, lead the conversation, and ultimately come up with the proposed solutions. All she has to do is cry and tell me what she didn't realize about what she did was wrong.
 
#346 ·
You have always been the one to give in. She's just waiting for you to do it again.

She doesn't know you've been getting some outside advice.

Let her squirm for awhile. Let her feel the uncertainty you've been feeling for years.
 
#348 ·
All true. I believe I am starting to see frustration building but conversations are pleasant and I hope to get something set up with a lawyer today. As of this minute no one has called today. I think I am going to contact some other numbers. I have only had 2 of the 4 get back with me. One of them listed free initial consult then when I talked to them they said it was $100 initial then if you used them it would go towards bill. I thought that was a bad sign they bait and switch right out of the gate so am holding off on them. The other called back Friday while I was working and when I called her back she was out of office and I think in court today and tomorrow so we will see.
 
#355 ·
A wise person from my past life once told me something that has stuck with me. "If you put in more than you get out, it's time to get the____ out!"
 
#369 ·
Ok that was good Eric1! I have appointment at 3 30 Monday with a lawyer. I was wanting to visit a few since initial consult is free with the one's I picked so I have a choice but we will see how Monday goes. There is certainly a difference in saying divorce on here and literally saying it on the phone.

Thanks to Affaircare and the links I believe I can file for no fault dissolution which would be the fastest, simplest and cheapest way to go. Filing in county is $350 for dissolution. I also believe if I set up how to divide things my wife will go along with it. My oldest son is 20 so he legally is out. My second oldest is 18 so according to Ohio law when he turns 19 he will legally be out. My daughter is 16 and am sure she would want to live with her mother which I don't have a problem with. My point is child support will be minimal and all the children are old enough to make their own decisions as far as who they want to be with and when. My wife makes more than me so alimony won't be an issue for me. I am looking at taking the debt and all assets in exchange for no child support from me and no alimony from her. This allows her to move on and allows me to do what I can for the farm and if I can't do any good it's mine to dispense of in whatever manner I want. Financially she really will have much more money on her own- and "much" is a relative term but still would be comfortable for her and my daughter.

I am seriously considering how much I need of a lawyer so hope to find that out Monday. Like I said a little somber and weird talking to someone on phone about the need for divorce but guessing Monday will be even worse. Thanks again for all the help and "nudging"
 
#370 ·
@bremik,

You initial "plan" is reasonable and fair, although I'm sure some details will need some ironing out. Overall, though, I think you're looking at it fairly realistically and have addressed it more than equitably. If I could recommend a small adaptation, I might say that you each assume your own individual pre-marriage assets and debts (so if she has a credit card in her name before marriage, she takes it), but that you are willing to assume both the asset and debt of the farm.

Otherwise, here is my one word of advice to you regarding lawyers. Often people go into an attorney's office thinking that the lawyer is VERY WISE and will give them the benefit of their wisdom in suggesting the course of action in your best interest. I do not believe that's true. I think attorneys are driven and pressured by their firms to get more billable hours, and thus they usually will find something to contend that will result in padding their bill.

Now I realize that is a somewhat cynical point of view, but I want you to be aware that lawyers are human beings SAME AS YOU AND ME. They serve many, many clients and can not possibly remember all the details of your case like you can. YOU are your own best advocate. This is why it's so important for you to know the laws, because you know all the details of your situation INTIMATELY and you are the one who will have to live life in your skin after this is all over with! So yes, listen to suggestions and recommendations, but just remember that it is only their opinion, and your opinion is just as valid. The BEST thing that lawyers can do is file the right form, properly filled out, to accomplish WHAT YOU WANT.

Make sense? In other words, the lawyer works for you--YOU are in charge, not them. They offer you legal RECOMMENDATIONS and since they know the judges and other attorneys, they may have a better feel for how someone is likely to respond, etc. You take all that under advisement and then YOU MAKE THE DECISIONS.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top