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Jealousy: Good or Bad?

4K views 41 replies 19 participants last post by  azteca1986 
#1 · (Edited)
I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?

Are there positive forms of jealousy?

In what marital situations do think some jealousy is appropriate and positive?

When is jealousy destructive and negative?

Is there a place in marriage or a committed relationship for jealousy?
 
#2 ·
Jealousy can be good or bad. It can be good in that a gut response to a situation may be a warning that there is reason for concern. If there is, then it was useful. If you feel jealousy and it's unfounded, based on your own insecurities, or continues after you've determined that it's unfounded, then it is unhealthy for you and the relationship.

Mostly, jealousy is typically based in fear - the fear that you will lose something of value (as such, it may or may not have anything to do with love). How you respond to that is key, IMO.
 
#4 ·
Jealously is a good barometer of a marriage.

Each spouse [ideally] should strive to "guard" the other. Keep the other safe, keep the other close. Yes, keeping the other for yourself.

It is an "outward" form of caring, proves that you value the other person.

He/she is mine!

Excesses, notwithstanding, of course.

Insecurities play a role, for sure. Most loving people want to feel secure in their loved ones. I do.

Anyone who is not jealous, in my opinion is too cool [for my comfort]. I like a women who will dig her nails in my arm....if my eyes stray!
 
#6 ·
I agree. I also think when it's insecurity based there's nothing you can do as a partner to make it go away.

If self respect is the driver then appropriate boundaries will make said partner happy.

One driven by insecurity will never be happy.

My own example, which you may be familiar with, was my hb's ridiculous boundaries with his ex wife and her family. I won't threadjack with the ugly details, but lets just say they were ridiculous.

Some might claim I was driven by insecurity, but I disagree. What he was doing was inappropriate and rude, and I have self respect


Once we had it out and he put in place better boundaries I was happy. If I'd been driven by insecurity no doubt I'd find something else to be unhappy about.
 
#8 ·
So, if you dont want your committed, exclusive BF or GF chatting with people of the opposite sex online, does that mean that you are jealous?. To me, this is setting boundaries and protecting the relationship. I guess I am trying to figure out what the definition of "jealous" actually is....
 
#9 ·
I think there is a natural tendency to get jealous if you see or hear something that causes you to feel threatened. Jealousy by it's definition is a negative emotion, however when you respond to negative emotions with positive actions, I see that as a good reaction.

I don't know if there's such a thing as a bad emotion, but there are definitely bad responses.

In a committed relationship, jealousy can be a spark that brings honest and thoughtful discussion. It can also lead to controlling, angry and manipulative behavior. The first is a good reaction, the second bad.

Does it have a place in a relationship? Whether you want it to or not, it does. We are all human.
 
#10 ·
I suffer with insecurity. It very recent. I am almost 45 and its been for the last two years. It is not jealousy. I am not hateful towards the other women that my husband leers at when we are out together. They are beautiful in comparison to me. It makes me feel anxious and insecure though. I think there is a big difference between them tbh. And from my experience it is never good. Its very destructive and can ruin the very best of relationships.

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#11 ·
I basically equate jealousy with envy and in my younger, more formative years, it bothered the hell out of me much more than it ever does now!

If a person has more wealth than I do, not a problem; a prettier, more affable W or GF, not a problem, better vehicles or better homes, it doesn't phase me!

A wise old Methodist preacher said once in a sermon long ago, that when you get to heaven, not to bother to ask God what he's got in His billfold ~ you'd be surprised to know that it's considerably less than what anyone on Earth has! Thank God that wealth, jealousy, and envy are all purely Earthly attributes and not Heavenly ones!

Since that time, I've not really been all that bothered by what someone has possession of and of what I don't!

And all that I can say is thank God for that!
 
#15 · (Edited)
Bandito: Could you elaborate a little bit? I'm not adverse to this philosophy, in fact, it's somewhat opened my eyes; but I think that I might be able to go somewhere with this!
 
#17 ·
I guess I think there are righteous forms of jealousy: such as a husband being jealous of a man hitting in his wife. That is a protective instinct.

Then there is the unrighteous jealousy, or envy or maybe covetousness, where one spouse is jealous of the other spouse's career success or jealous of the spouse's ability to be social and make lots of friends, while he or she is a shy wallflower.
 
#19 ·
Thanks, Bandito!

Jealousy in that she is supposed to be mine and nobody else's, just as I'm supposed to be hers and nobody else's!

The very same goes for the children that we are fortunate to bear!

In both these instances, jealousy can definitely be "good!"

But I am never supposed to be jealous of any of her earthly attributes, just as she is never supposed to be jealous of mine!

But being the earthly inhabitants that we are, doing that might be a totally impossible task!
 
#20 ·
Well I then I guess for clarity sake, there needs to be a delineation between jealousy and covetousness.

When I see my partner ogling a rock singer or a really cut, buff guy, I am going to experience a twinge of jealousy. I think that is healthy, because it is a real, honest reaction. It is my instinctive reaction to protect what I feel is mine.

Covetousness or envy, I would say, would be if I were to want another man wife or possessions for myself. Or to want the professional career success my partner has, which would lead to resentment in the marriage.
 
#23 ·
@lifeistooshort

Oops, apparently I didn't remember your sitch as accurately as I thought. I forgot about the ex's manipulation and the daughter's age... So yes, your husband was facing your boundaries not your jealousy.
 
#25 ·
I have a question for both men and women: is jealousy in a relationship a good or bad thing....in your opinion?

Jealousy is a negative emotion that provides motivation to fix a perceived threat. In many cases, that can be a good thing.

Are there positive forms of jealousy?

In what marital situations do think some jealousy is appropriate and positive?
Whenever there is a threat to the bond and intimacy in a marriage.

When is jealousy destructive and negative?
When one spouse perceives a threat to the marriage that doesn't exist or is unreasonable.

Is there a place in marriage or a committed relationship for jealousy?
Of course, it's part of human programming to alert us to a perceived threat to the marital relationship that could result in STIs, another man's offspring, competition for resources/survival, etc.
 
#28 ·
I used to get jealous when I was younger - but I really don't feel it anymore. I think age and life experience corrects those irrational thoughts. I don't know....

Dare I say there is a part of me that gets turned on by him checking someone out...because it means he is still a very sexual person. Recently, we were out in the car and there was a woman with NO bra and huge boobs almost running to catch up to someone. They were nearly bouncing out of her top. My husband hit the curb. I was thinking she really, really needs to get a good bra.
 
#29 ·
When I read on this forum about some guys wife texting another man and when she is challenged she tells her husband he is insecure and/or jealous I really get annoyed.That is not jealousy on his part it is simply creating boundaries.But it is highly disrespectful of her and I wouldn't put up with it.
 
#30 ·
I've had moments where my tail has twitched erratically. It has certainly been insecurity-driven on my part. He notices a mile off. And when I haven't been direct about my feelings he's cut to the chase that I have nothing to feel insecure about. He has little tolerance for it and I'm forced to face that side of myself. It's not that often. I've had women give praise about him when he's not around. I've shrugged it off with a laugh and said, 'Eh he's okay..' I have shared those compliments with him. Yeah, I know I've got a good man.

It's rare that he's displayed jealousy in that way. At a social gathering, he came back to the table and I introduced the guy talking to me. Afterwards we were reflecting on parts of the conversation, as it was interesting. He passed comment that it can take a lot for a guy to talk to a beautiful woman like me. I laughed, 'Whah?!' ...He nodded. There wasn't jealousy though. Pathetic as it sounds, I was left with the warm-fuzzy that he viewed me that way. If he felt someone was out-of-line, that's when his protectiveness emerges, but not derived from jealousy.

We've not experienced envy when the other shines bright... if anything, we encourage it.
 
#31 ·
Jealousy in and of itself isn't bad. It is simply the desire for something that is yours.

Unfortunately, many folks have taken it to extremes and weird places.

Mrs. Conan and I have always been jealous of our relationship. She has exhibited more unhealthy aspects of it do to a greater feeling of insecurity than me.

Overall it has been good for us in that we never take each other for granted and have a healthy radar for potential threats.

She has made me aware of more than one predatory female that was flying below my radar and I have discouraged many would be paramours to her without her even knowing.

I think if there is a lack of any jealousy there is probably a lack of fire or passion.
 
#37 ·
I admit, I am possessive... I have also seen it described as "territorial" lol. If I see someone who is getting a little too "friendly" toward my SO, I will insert myself into the situation and for the most part, that diffuses any intent they may have thought they had. (that is, when I actually HAVE a SO) You dont have to go BSC on them, just be seen, lol. I am also not cool with casual chit chat online with "new" friends of the opposite sex, or EX's for that matter. Hard lessons learned to have basic boundaries.
 
#40 ·
I have to admit I am very possessive and tend towards jealousy. But honestly I have never let it become too much of a problem. It is a personality trait I would rather keep than try to rid myself of. It is way, way down on the list of bad traits about myself that I am choosing to work on.

I guess I would rather have a jealous streak than be a weak, spineless pushover who lets poeple try to take what is his.

And yes, I am one of those unevolved Neanderthals who still believes that when you marry someone, you become their property and they become yours. Well...I jealously guard what is mine, until she decides she is no longer mine.
 
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