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Thread: Duty sex only
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post #8 of (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:58 PM
shrah25
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 56
Re: Duty sex only

Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
Might as well share mine. Let me start by saying I really do love my wife, and have NO DESIRE to ever cheat on her or leave her. We've been married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids. We actually have a great relationship, except where sex is concerned.

Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. We waited the appropriate amount of time to resume sexual activity after the birth, but it was never the same after that. Even though we wouldn't trade anything, going from 1-2 kids was TOUGH, especially on my wife. Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children. We ended up mastering the art of the "quickie", because that was all that we had time for. Eventually, all our sex became quickies, at her request. I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.

But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all. She doesn't even want to try to pretend to enjoy sex, much less have an orgasm (at least not with me... don't know if she masturbates or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't). She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week. But this is strictly for me to get off. The only thing it does for her is allows her to not feel bad for being one of "those wives" who never gives it up. She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward. Makes me feel bad, like I'm just using her vagina to masturbate with. As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.

For awhile, it was really tearing me up inside. She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.

Before anybody starts, I truly don't believe she's having an affair. I researched this very thoroughly for one year and never came up with even one shred of proof that she was cheating. I was extremely paranoid. I kept thinking that the reason she wouldn't give me oral is because she was giving it some other guy. It took me down a dark path, but I'm off of that now. I suppose nothing is certain, but I truly don't think she is. And if she is cheating on me, and I found out about it, then that's her problem, not mine.

I suppose I'm just venting. It feels good to get this stuff out there, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this. All my friends are either miserably married, or are divorced and tell me "Just divorce and go bang girls on Tinder... it's great!!!" Then of course, there's the "friends" who say "that sucks, my wife has sex with me in every way possible for an hour every single day, twice on the weekends... you must not be any good at sex, or she's having an affair." BTW, I am not bad at sex. She thoroughly enjoyed herself earlier in our relationship, as did other girls before I got with my wife.

Hi @podiumboy

Thanks for your message and your honesty.

I agree with you - I don't believe that your wife is having an affair. She sounds like a lovely woman who actually wants to serve you and not hurt you in anyway which is a real testament to her character. Here's the thing you need to be mindful of and ensure that doesn't happen.

At the moment, sex is primarily for you. She is serving you so that your needs are met which is a lovely act. However, you need to be mindful that if she continues to do this over and over, then there may be a bit of resentment that builds up over time.

Reason being is that, every woman has their own levels of sexual activity and how they like the act of sex to be conducted. Some are more open and 'expressive' and some really like their partner to be a bit of a detective to some extent and really understand what it takes to turn her on. Based on my experience working with women, this is what it sounds like with your wife. But if she continues to give, give, give without getting her needs met, then that's where the resentment builds. She loves you and wants to help you but probably doesn't want to create drama by expressing her needs. This is where you come into play...

I think your first task is to find some time where you say that you are going to spend the next hour or two completely devoted to her. Be genuinely excited about getting to explore her body. Massage her, get some foreplay going but make it all about her - forget about you and simply devote yourself to her. She may be a little reluctant initially because it's not a common thing (i'm assuming you don't do this regularly?) but if you keep persistent and genuinely want to serve her needs, I'm 100% certain that she will let you serve her - but only if you make it about her and you don't treat it like it's a chore. If you are excited about the idea of serving her, you will win some massive brownie points for this.

You know this, but don't listen to your mates about 'banging' women on Tinder and don't listen to them about your performance. Focus on serving her needs and you will be an absolute rockstar in her eyes.

Hope that all makes sense.

Cheers
Sri
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