Thanks for your message and your honesty.
I agree with you - I don't believe that your wife is having an affair. She sounds like a lovely woman who actually wants to serve you and not hurt you in anyway which is a real testament to her character. Here's the thing you need to be mindful of and ensure that doesn't happen.
At the moment, sex is primarily for you. She is serving you so that your needs are met which is a lovely act. However, you need to be mindful that if she continues to do this over and over, then there may be a bit of resentment that builds up over time.
Reason being is that, every woman has their own levels of sexual activity and how they like the act of sex to be conducted. Some are more open and 'expressive' and some really like their partner to be a bit of a detective to some extent and really understand what it takes to turn her on. Based on my experience working with women, this is what it sounds like with your wife. But if she continues to give, give, give without getting her needs met, then that's where the resentment builds. She loves you and wants to help you but probably doesn't want to create drama by expressing her needs. This is where you come into play...
I think your first task is to find some time where you say that you are going to spend the next hour or two completely devoted to her. Be genuinely excited about getting to explore her body. Massage her, get some foreplay going but make it all about her - forget about you and simply devote yourself to her. She may be a little reluctant initially because it's not a common thing (i'm assuming you don't do this regularly?) but if you keep persistent and genuinely want to serve her needs, I'm 100% certain that she will let you serve her - but only if you make it about her and you don't treat it like it's a chore. If you are excited about the idea of serving her, you will win some massive brownie points for this.
You know this, but don't listen to your mates about 'banging' women on Tinder and don't listen to them about your performance. Focus on serving her needs and you will be an absolute rockstar in her eyes.
Hope that all makes sense.
Honestly, I would rather focus on my wife's sexual satisfaction than my own. I feel like when the kids were babies we got into some really bad sexual habits (the quickies, but that was her idea). I really wish she'd let me. She doesn't let me even touch her vagina, really. I think that her sexuality is buried deep in her identity. Being a mother, a full time student and having a part time job I think has really taken over and smothered her sexuality altogether. I truly do not believe she masturbates. I would be happy if she did, and encourage it. But she seriously doesn't seem likes she even thinks about such things. I'm not being naive; like I said, it is my wish that she did masturbate, showing some signs of life down there. Maybe she does, but she denies it.
I don't think she sees any problem. I'm getting sex on a pretty regular basis. To be honest, she seems genuinely happy to provide a hole for me to put my penis into. I am not some selfish husband who doesn't help out with the kids or clean the house. I do the dishes, I vacuum, I do laundry, I mow the yard, check the tires and oil in her car, etc, etc, etc. I'm happy to help her in any way I can. I don't think she would care about seeing a sex counselor, because in her mind I really don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with our sex life. Sometimes I bring up that she didn't seem like she was enjoying herself, and she replies "OMG, what do you want me to do? I'm not some porn star!"
But I truly don't think she's unhappy in our marriage. She actually just arranged for her teenage cousin to babysit our kids so we can go on a date this Saturday. She's really looking forward to it, there's a new restaurant she wants us to try.
I hate to admit it, but I let my friends get to me a couple months ago. I opened up to some friends at my buddies' bachelor party. The bachelor in question was a guy who was about to get married, and getting laid all the time. He had no ability to comprehend my situation. My other friend was in a sexless marriage with a woman who truly hated him; now he meets random girls on Tinder and has sex with them. My other friend hasn't had sex with his wife in 3 years, they're basically only together because they run a business together... he told me to quit *****ing about duty sex, and I couldn't argue with him. Yet another friend is not married, just got into a new relationship, and is having sex every day... he was no help either. It seems like nobody I know is in my somewhat unique situation.