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Thoughts on this

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#1 ·
As many of you know, my wife is quite LD. Over the past couple of years, we seem to have settled in on once a week intimacy, and it pretty much happens only on one day of the week, over the weekend. Pretty much around the same time, as well.

Throughout the rest of week - nothing. Nothing sexual, no flirtiness, no build-up, etc. It is what it is.

Generally speaking, I am fine with this - the sex is actually good, and it's not one-sided.

However, I am getting tired of this 'schedule'. Knowing it's going to happen (without any build-up whatsoever, even right before). I know it's going to happen, and when. I do still try to initiate throughout the rest of the week on occasion, but more often than not (way more often), it's rejected.

So basically 95% of my sex life is on one day of the week, around the same time, and absolutely zero sex or even sexuality the rest of the time.

Yes, I've talked to her about this. She knows I don't like this scheduled/expected sex life. It removes any sort of anticipation or excitement from it. And even though the sex is good, it winds up being almost purely physical for me, because all the other things around sex are simply removed. In essence, it's basically just going through the motions.

I'm at the point now where I simply don't want this anymore, but I'm at a crossroads about what to do. My only recourse that I can see at this point in time is to reject and/or avoid these scheduled sessions, but in all likelihood it'd backfire. I'm just not enthusiastic about it anymore, even though it's my only real sexual outlet.

There have been 4 or 5 times in the past 2 weeks in which we were home alone for extended periods of time. An entire weekend, even. This is rare for that to happen this often. No sex during this time, and even the 'free' weekend, it still ended up happening on the same day at the same time. I hinted, initiated, even bluntly said "hey, let's go upstairs" - nothing.

I'm not trying to figure out my wife - I already know what she is. This has been discussed ad nauseum here, and also with her. But the reality is that I'm starting to feel used, if that's even possible. It's always on her schedule - a literal schedule, at that. The only reason I've kept going on her schedule is that it's sex, and I want to have sex. But I'm simply tired of the way it goes down, and the fact that it's figuratively marked on a calendar.

So this weekend, I've planned to avoid. It's baseball season (yay!), so I have an excuse to not come to bed. I'm torn to whether or not she'll care, or if she does, if she says anything. I've rejected her in the past a minute amount of times, and she generally hasn't taken it well, but I've had legitimate excuses (total exhaustion, mainly). But I've never said no to, or avoided sex with her when I'm feeling fine.

It's juvenile, but it's also pretty last ditch. It's likely it won't help things, but I'm at the point now where I'm genuinely tired of simply doing it on her schedule. I also feel (well, know, really) that she obviously requires this schedule to become aroused and/or psyched up to have sex.
 
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#1,297 ·
Why do you think you should not have to prove yourself to her?

Why would you not have to maintain that trust?
 
#1,333 ·
How many ladies have experienced this while dating..,
Things seem really great. Until you move in together and you decide nope...not marriage material. Should have just continued dating. Up goes the wall, and keep it light. Move on. It happens. Sometimes women stay, for a lot of reasons. But we do the "not marriage material " evaluations, especially if children are planned.
If they stay, maybe it will get better. Then the kids come.
Do men do this too? They must...because the signs were always there. Usually.


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#1,364 ·
In trying to help Alex figure this out, I think it's good to keep in mind he said it's not just sex his wife shuts down except for that one small window of time a week, it's all of the "extras" that usually accompany a full sexual relationship she shuts down too, such as flirting, anticipation, etc. They are like asexual beings except for an hour a week, per her control.
 
#1,367 ·
I am still suspicious of this "control" idea. It tends to set up a perpetrator/victim frame. And that can lead to resentment rather than understanding and empowerment.

But if it is indeed a control issue, it is helpful to remember that people are usually controlling because they do not feel safe. So a quick way to start resolving the issue would be to take an honest look at *why* they would not feel safe, through their eyes, and what the other partner could do to make them feel safe.
 
#1,403 ·
Lol!

Well, the conversations can last 5 - 20 minutes, I'd say, before we reach some sort of conclusion. This is meandering because it's 100 different voices chiming in, with 'what-ifs' etc.
 
#1,402 ·
Alex
She likes sex not sexuality, only on her timeline and just wants you to enjoy yourself. No affection in between.
Here's my view
She's not controlling you, she's controlling herself.
She likes sex. With you. Using you for it. Not interested in much else. But doesn't want you to know that. Maybe feels bad about it. Would be easier if you just got off as you said, and got in line with what she is doing.



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#1,413 ·
Not sure "destabilizing" is the correct word.

In part it is about excitement. Safety and stability are not exciting. They are boring. In a good way. But boring is not sexy.

In part it is about anxiety. Anxiety, by itself, is bad. But a little bit of anxiety can be arousing.

People tend to bond over shared excitement and shared anxiety. So if there is zero anxiety in your partner's feelings for you (I know you would never leave me or pull away or attach to someone else), then introducing a little anxiety could lead to increased arousal.

So maybe you do not have to destabilize the relationship, but you need to add some excitement and a little anxiety that it is possible for the relationship to take a turn for the worse if the LD does not invest in the sexual side of the marriage.
 
#1,417 ·
There are scenarios where you can compromise and scenarios where you can't. If one of you wants Indian food and the other wants Italian, where do you compromise? In the geographical middle? Lebanese?

Mrs. A should communicate the rationale behind her rather inflexible and anticlimactic "Fridays at 10:58:58 PM" stance and be willing to change that; at the same time Alex should listen and try to see her point of view and make changes in expectations or otherwise as needed. If things are as described she needs to come a lot closer to his side than he does to her.

Both need to do the small steps, and not hesitate to seek intervention if they're not getting anywhere.

Her "my way or the highway" has significant risks for the future even tho for now it's more of a benign issue.
 
#1,420 ·
I agree with the above post ^^

It's not really as complicated as some make it out to be. I'm not married yet, and maybe pre-marriage sex is different than married sex? Idk. But, what I do know, is that my fiance doesn't ''ask''...but he doesn't ''take,'' he just moves forward...smiles, kisses, touches...and moves forward again. Of course, I'm not backing away...lol And perhaps if you really took that type of initiative, alex...your wife would see you in a different light. Things might be so habitual now with the schedule, that she doesn't even know there's another 'option.'
 
#1,422 ·
These threads are all so frustratingly circular, mine included. Endless debate from the same old camps. Destabilize vs make her feel safe. Take her vs wait for her. Talk vs don't talk. I'm increasingly of the opinion that it's all complete BS.

Want to know why new relationships typically include natural rabbit sex? They don't talk about it, that's why. Or worry about it. Or wonder whether the other party is in the mood. It just happens because both parties know it's gonna happen.

Alex, I think sometimes your wife wants to be taken and used for your pleasure, and doesn't dive a damn whether you focus on her at all. Sometimes that's hot for women, from what I understand. Sometimes she probably would like it to be all about her, especially if she thinks you're getting off by making it all about her. Sometimes she probably just wants to go to sleep because she's had a sh!tty day and she really is exhausted. Sometimes she probably doesn't know what she wants, but because she loves you, she's at least open to suggestion. But I do think what she for sure does not want is a man either unsure of or afraid of his next step. Or a man waiting for her to make all the decisions. And that may be one explanation for why when you declined the routine schedule she was so into it the following day.

Sometimes you need to show strength. Sometimes selfishness in your sexual desires. Sometimes empathy and tenderness. SomeImes restraint.

But regardless of the mood required you have to lead. And I know you can, because you have before, otherwise she would not have picked you.

And I think the best way to get back there is to quit worrying about whether you're reading the tea leaves right and do what comes naturally, same as you did in the beginning of your relationship.

I'm not suggesting that's easy to do. I am suggesting that it's better than the curse of over analysis.

You're getting there. Just unplug. Go by feel. Not by spreadsheet.
 
#1,425 ·
You're getting there. Just unplug. Go by feel. Not by spreadsheet.
Unfortunately,.that's like telling someone who doesn't dance to just "feel the music".

The one's who can feel the music aren't the ones who asking for dance advice.

Those who feel, feel. Those who over-analyze, over-analyze.

But, within the range of one's in-born capabilities, it is best to avoid too much thinking. And, especially, too much talking.
 
#1,460 ·
I think 'owning up' to your need is important. I remember I used to play all these 'subtle initiation' games; they were a huge turn off for the woman. Whereas just saying: 'I really need to have sex with you' or 'I am going to **** you now' (jokingly, while holding her tight, I dunno) is straight and to the point. (Or say HOW you want to have sex with her if there are 'special requirements'...). If she keeps denying and rejecting every time, then at least you know where you stand (I'm now not talking about Alexm, but in general). Then a totally different course of action is probably required. But all these hints and hidden meanings...sounds like a nightmare and prone to huge misunderstandings. And no one benefits.


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#1,461 ·
I think 'owning up' to your need is important. I remember I used to play all these 'subtle initiation' games; they were a huge turn off for the woman. Whereas just saying: 'I really need to have sex with you' or 'I am going to **** you now' (jokingly, while holding her tight, I dunno) is straight and to the point. (Or say HOW you want to have sex with her if there are 'special requirements'...). If she keeps denying and rejecting every time, then at least you know where you stand (I'm now not talking about Alexm, but in general). Then a totally different course of action is probably required. But all these hints and hidden meanings...sounds like a nightmare and prone to huge misunderstandings. And no one benefits.


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The bolded would be a very good line to use, Alex.

It does have to fit you, though. You need to feel confident for it to have the desired effect, imo.
 
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#1,463 · (Edited)
Some of the problems in relationships can result from a pride issue. :eek: And forgiveness. I think in some of the stories I've read on here, it seems like the reasons why sex is an issue and infrequent, is because the spouse did something else in the past, and maybe the other spouse hasn't fully forgiven or let it go, yet. Despite saying they've forgiven, they really haven't. Despite the spouse who wronged the other one apologizing, whatever they did, hasn't been fully forgotten. And all of that gets excused by saying he/she doesn't understand my needs, or how to arouse me, or sucks in bed, etc. Until you really forgive the past, it will affect your present, in and out of bed. Just food for thought.

(Not saying that's your wife, alex ...just making a general observation)
 
#1,467 ·
Idk, it is pretty straight forward if you are into each other. I mean, really into each other. You might love someone, be their best friend, think they're amazing in every way, but not be ''into them.'' I think that's the issue sometimes, too. I love my fiance for the great man he is, and how he shows his love for me, but I'm ''into him,'' and he's into me. Not sure if I'm explaining that well, it's just a feeling maybe that isn't easy to describe. I never want to say no to him, put it that way. Will this change once we marry? I really hope not, but some on here have posted in other threads about how hot their sex lives were before marriage. So what changed? I mean, I get that marriage brings more responsibility into things, but to not have one hour in the day to have sex with the person you used to have sex with all the time, when you were dating? Some people on here have shared that they haven't had sex with their spouses in YEARS. Years?? I don't understand that, honestly. One hour of intimacy could heal a lot of marriages, maybe. Even a half hour. lol
 
#1,468 ·
How long have you been together? Somebody mentioned that the 'baggage' gets attached at some point. The beginnings (first 6 months ish) are always "easy". Also because hormones rule and you don't project anything weird/negative onto your partner. Everything is rosy, straightforward and positive. This doesn't tend to last. I don't mean that everyone starts assuming negative crap about the other, just that things become more 'real' as the hormones wear off (or the 'in love' feeling turns into genuine love or care for the other person. Or not so much).
A lot of it is to do with trust. Like you mentioned in your previous post about spouses not properly forgiving the other: once you mess up or say something hurtful, the trust takes time to build back up again. And these little things chisel away at one another's trust.

I like this quote:

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin
 
#1,474 ·
Hope, jade suggested you take your husband's hint and roll with it. She suggested, in my understanding, forgiving him for being who he is rather than who you want him to be. Is there not some wisdom in her suggestions?

Not everyone is a leader, after all. It does not sound like your husband is. He may just not be wired that way. And it may only frustrate you to keeping wishing for something that may not be meant to be.

It sounds like you are the more natural leader in your relationship. Wouldn't embracing that, accepting that role that you are just naturally better at, offer you some inner peace?
 
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#1,477 ·
Update, week 3 - same time, same place (lol). Went up to bed not thinking about sex. She got into bed a couple of minutes before me, naked, and not hiding it, so... it happened.

Funny thing, I think she was actually turned on beforehand, despite it being our 'usual' time/day. This felt far less like "okay, it's Saturday, let's do this".

We had been out almost all day doing various things, some fun, some errands, hung out with her best friend for a while and did some renovation prep at her house. At one point, my wife was bending over for something and I could see everything. A few minutes later, I whispered in her ear "I love your tits". I then spent the rest of the day grabbing her butt every chance I got. She laughed, she got annoyed, she giggled, she said "stop that!", but I continued to do it... >:)

When we got down to it later that night, it took about 2 minutes for her to say "I want you inside me", so this was not going to be my usual 'spend however long on foreplay and oral sex' thing. So I somewhat forcibly turned her over right away and did as she asked. She came within a minute, whole body shaking and everything. I didn't stop, and actually went harder and deeper until I finished. As I was doing so (just starting to slow down) I realized she was close again, so I kept going and a few seconds later, she came again, this time shaking even more. The whole thing took <5 minutes. No real foreplay or anything.

Sorry if that read like porn.

So, I didn't initiate again, but I obviously planted the seed throughout the day. Despite it being our usual day and time for it (the schedule...lol) it didn't seem like it, TBH. Like I said, she seemed into it beforehand, this time. I did spend the day doing things I don't normally do to her, or haven't in a while. She made it abundantly clear in the past that she didn't like being grabbed... Or if I ever said things to her like "nice tits", she'd normally just give me a look.

Maybe it's because I haven't seemed to be desperate in her eyes these last few weeks, so I'm not having this vibe of forcing it. I don't know. Seems plausible.
 
#1,480 ·
Update, week 3 - same time, same place (lol). Went up to bed not thinking about sex. She got into bed a couple of minutes before me, naked, and not hiding it, so... it happened.



Funny thing, I think she was actually turned on beforehand, despite it being our 'usual' time/day. This felt far less like "okay, it's Saturday, let's do this".



We had been out almost all day doing various things, some fun, some errands, hung out with her best friend for a while and did some renovation prep at her house. At one point, my wife was bending over for something and I could see everything. A few minutes later, I whispered in her ear "I love your tits". I then spent the rest of the day grabbing her butt every chance I got. She laughed, she got annoyed, she giggled, she said "stop that!", but I continued to do it... >:)



When we got down to it later that night, it took about 2 minutes for her to say "I want you inside me", so this was not going to be my usual 'spend however long on foreplay and oral sex' thing. So I somewhat forcibly turned her over right away and did as she asked. She came within a minute, whole body shaking and everything. I didn't stop, and actually went harder and deeper until I finished. As I was doing so (just starting to slow down) I realized she was close again, so I kept going and a few seconds later, she came again, this time shaking even more. The whole thing took <5 minutes. No real foreplay or anything.



Sorry if that read like porn.



So, I didn't initiate again, but I obviously planted the seed throughout the day. Despite it being our usual day and time for it (the schedule...lol) it didn't seem like it, TBH. Like I said, she seemed into it beforehand, this time. I did spend the day doing things I don't normally do to her, or haven't in a while. She made it abundantly clear in the past that she didn't like being grabbed... Or if I ever said things to her like "nice tits", she'd normally just give me a look.



Maybe it's because I haven't seemed to be desperate in her eyes these last few weeks, so I'm not having this vibe of forcing it. I don't know. Seems plausible.

What do you mean 'it happened'?! She initiated the **** out of it!
That's as much initiation as a male should ever hope to get.
You're not gonna get my sympathy anymore :)
Anyway: I'm sure you'll figure out the right balance. You both seem like smart people.




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#1,481 ·
So much for not chasing her? You did, and she responded . Awesome. You even obeyed and waited for Saturday.
You get something out of the flirting all day, it meets some of your needs. She gets credit for doing it, and it seemed to turn her on as well.
I don't see a problem in this?


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#1,490 ·
Wow, this thread is moving fast, just getting caught up now lol. Couple of comments:

In regards to @Hope1964 , IIRC the issues she has described are issues that had been discussed ad nauseam with her H, they have gone to MC (which he pretty much dismissed, etc...). It is easy to just sit here and say "why don't you just roll with" , but try doing that when apparently he has made little effort over the years (and let's be honest, that "initiating" Hope posted was flat out strange).

The other item was about wanting to be desired. We all want to be desired, and for each of us, we have a slightly different interpretation of what it means to feel desired (I guess in part our "love language"). Ideally, both people in the relationship are able to not only communicate what their love language is, but as well understand their SOs love language. For those in particular who have a rather different love language from each other, it seems that issues arise when one or both people only focus on their love language without taking into consideration their SO. You can see this just from this thread, where one person may feel desired by their SO initiating physical contact (sex, not MMA lol) whereas another person prefers more verbal cues (i.e. talking about their day, etc...). If things get too one sided (no matter how good your intentions are), frustrating/resentment is highly likely to set in (for example those who want to be desired but show little interest/effort in reciprocating).
 
#1,491 ·
Wow, this thread is moving fast, just getting caught up now lol. Couple of comments:



In regards to @Hope1964 , IIRC the issues she has described are issues that had been discussed ad nauseam with her H, they have gone to MC (which he pretty much dismissed, etc...). It is easy to just sit here and say "why don't you just roll with" , but try doing that when apparently he has made little effort over the years (and let's be honest, that "initiating" Hope posted was flat out strange).



The other item was about wanting to be desired. We all want to be desired, and for each of us, we have a slightly different interpretation of what it means to feel desired (I guess in part our "love language"). Ideally, both people in the relationship are able to not only communicate what their love language is, but as well understand their SOs love language. For those in particular who have a rather different love language from each other, it seems that issues arise when one or both people only focus on their love language without taking into consideration their SO. You can see this just from this thread, where one person may feel desired by their SO initiating physical contact (sex, not MMA lol) whereas another person prefers more verbal cues (i.e. talking about their day, etc...). If things get too one sided (no matter how good your intentions are), frustrating/resentment is highly likely to set in (for example those who want to be desired but show little interest/effort in reciprocating).


Ok I have not being around and don't know their backstory or what changes he's expected to make and by whom. (Does the husband post here too? We only hear her side of the story on this issue and it is likely to be very skewed).
On the face of it, no, it didn't sound 'strange' to me (it's not the way I would initiate but my point was that she KNEW what it was he was doing and shut him down. And that was all that I commented on). It is precisely analogous to Alexm taking a deck of cards out in order to try new positions. They both tried, at least.
I have done plenty of 'weird' initiations...Try giving your partner an overpriced vibrator that creates electric stimulation to encourage Kegel exercises as a Valentine's Day present, shortly after giving birth...I would have been better off buying her an ironing board.


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#1,494 ·
I have 'rolled with it' for 20 years and, like I keep saying, I've had enough. Like Alex, I am trying to change my own approach to extracting sex from my husband. It's ridiculous to have to go through that scenario I posted a few days ago, or some variation thereof, just to get my rocks off. I don't feel desired or wanted, I don't feel loved, and I frankly just can't be bothered any more. SO I decided to stop pursuing him when he sends his ambiguous signals. And it seems to be working.

This weekend he actually opened up to me and we talked about things and he admitted some stuff to me that he never has before, about why his interest in sex has waned over the last while. He never even admitted before that it HAD waned. And he FINALLY made a definitive, assertive advance toward me that turned me on a lot :D And it all started when he came to me and asked me what he could do. What HE could do.

There's hope for the boy yet :D :D :D
 
#1,501 ·
Alex, when you say your wife "fostered" or "conditioned" you, it sounds like you are handing responsibility to her for your actions or feelings.

It can cause resentment in any of us if we hand over our power like that, and the other person does not do what we want.
 
#1,502 ·
Alex -

One thing I desire, as a woman, is the ability to have my husband be totally separate from my moods.

You said it yourself- people change. Preferences change.

My husband wants to be a good husband and wants to serve me well. The thing is...I don't want to be "served". I want him to stand beside me as his own individual with his own wants/needs/desires, and I want him to communicate those to me honestly. Including when our desires don't match. I want him to stand up for himself and go after what he wants. I want him to be ready to negotiate with me, to convince me, to debate with me as an equal. I do not want him to tiptoe around me and try to plan his moves around guessing what might make me happy. That is a fools errand, because my happiness isn't his to manage. That's on me.

That doesn't mean I want him to be a ****. The concept, first do no harm, applies. But he does have a right to pursue his own happiness and goals, knowing that sometimes in order to get it he needs to put himself first, and sometimes point blank tell me we are doing things his way.

In order to get there - I think a man needs to be able to separate himself mentally from the idea that he is responsible for all of his wife's whims. Women are by nature, moody. I hate that about myself, honestly, but these dang hormones are not something I can control. I would like for my spouse to be able to weather my moods and if I am really being intolerable, tell me and put up some boundaries.

I'm happy things are going well for you. I think part of the reason why is because you detached yourself from her mental state. You stopped trying to game your moves and predict her responses and instead pursued your own agenda, for your own gain.

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#1,510 ·
Alex -

One thing I desire, as a woman, is the ability to have my husband be totally separate from my moods.

You said it yourself- people change. Preferences change.

My husband wants to be a good husband and wants to serve me well. The thing is...I don't want to be "served". I want him to stand beside me as his own individual with his own wants/needs/desires, and I want him to communicate those to me honestly. Including when our desires don't match. I want him to stand up for himself and go after what he wants. I want him to be ready to negotiate with me, to convince me, to debate with me as an equal. I do not want him to tiptoe around me and try to plan his moves around guessing what might make me happy. That is a fools errand, because my happiness isn't his to manage. That's on me.

That doesn't mean I want him to be a ****. The concept, first do no harm, applies. But he does have a right to pursue his own happiness and goals, knowing that sometimes in order to get it he needs to put himself first, and sometimes point blank tell me we are doing things his way.

In order to get there - I think a man needs to be able to separate himself mentally from the idea that he is responsible for all of his wife's whims. Women are by nature, moody. I hate that about myself, honestly, but these dang hormones are not something I can control. I would like for my spouse to be able to weather my moods and if I am really being intolerable, tell me and put up some boundaries.

I'm happy things are going well for you. I think part of the reason why is because you detached yourself from her mental state. You stopped trying to game your moves and predict her responses and instead pursued your own agenda, for your own gain.

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The bolded reminds me of what GI has said about her husband.

Would you agree, GI?
 
#1,525 ·
Oh wow. We were also school sweethearts. Got together around 15. Except we stayed (we almost didn't manage). I did hurt her once or twice and she hurt me once. Nothing major, but we both developed distance and began drifting apart at one point.


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#1,534 · (Edited)
Some women's sexuality is way more complex than that of men. Some women don't really know or understand what they want. Those are the women some of the men here are probably referring to. I don't know why these conversations have to always become about the 'battle of the sexes'. Men are just trying to figure out their women. There is nothing more to it. (I don't think?) There should be some sort of general disclaimer: 'this is not a generalisation. Terms & conditions as well as numerous exceptions apply'.
Or are you implying that all men are too stupid to work it out? [emoji6]


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#1,537 ·
Some women's sexuality is way more complex than that of women. Some women don't really know or understand what they want. Those are the women some of the men here are probably referring to. I don't know why these conversations have to always become about the 'battle of the sexes'. Men are just trying to figure out their women. There is nothing more to it. (I don't think?) There should be some sort of general disclaimer: 'this is not a generalisation. Terms & conditions as well as numerous exceptions apply'.
Or are you implying that all men are too stupid to work it out? [emoji6]


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There's no "battle of the sexes" here. It's just an observation I've made. In thread after thread are all these, yes, generalizations, that basically say men are simple, and women are complex. And like @Faithful Wife said, so complex that we haven't a clue about ourselves. And it's not a "some" thing. It's clear that this is supposed to be some kind of rule for helping people understand the sexes.

It's kind of funny, actually. But also kind of sad. And certainly not terribly helpful in figuring anything out.
 
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