I am writing this because unlike what I have been reading for the past two weeks, I didn't think it would happen to me.
I met my wife in a night club 13 years ago and we connected in a way that I can honestly only say was like the world dissolved around us. In a room of several hundred we where the only to that existed.
What followed as a very passionate relationship. See before this woman I was a virgin, I was always insecure with myself and never let go when women would show interest in me, or try to get me to do anything. It was different with this woman, I wasn't afraid anymore.
She told me she had triplets that first night, and was nervous to bring anyone new into their lives. she had come from an abusive relationship with their dad and many of the men that followed used her for their needs. I dedicated myself to be her knight in shinning armor and to protect and guide her back to the wonderful woman I knew she could be.
In the years that followed we had our ups and downs, times when we didn't like each other and times when we couldn't imagine ourselves with anyone else. I feel know that because this was my first relationship and because I felt like I was protecting her interests I lost myself in the relationship along the way. I didn't have any friends, I spent my days either at work or with her and the kids.
I thought this was how a family man should be, a provider head of the household and she a loving and dedicated wife. Well all that changed when I started spending more money than I should just to try and make her happy. You want a vacation? Sure I will make that happen, You want to redecorate the house with new furniture, I will do that too. My problem was spending money I didn't have in the believe that as long as it was on her and the kids it was justified.
I kept trying to find jobs that paid more and more money so that I could try to get out debt. Eventually we lost the rental house and had to move into my parents basement. Here we said this would be temporary, I would work hard and we would get back on our feet. She worked to but shortly after we moved in she quit her job for long periods of time. I often complained that I hated this job or that job for whatever reason and she would go back to work to help pay bills.
I eventually got a job that I liked and made good money at. I also was well over my head in debt for trips and things I had no business paying for. I kept all of this a secret to her. As time went on I started to feel resentment toward my wife and " her kids" for making me feel that I was less than a man and couldn't take care of the family needs. She felt it too and tried to stay connected, but over time the feeling became mutual. We were no longer the lovers that so intently connected that night we met.
We became more roommates with benefits and even that got to the point it wasn't enjoyable anymore. Sex became and act, nothing that had any emotional attachment. More time passed and we each tired to keep things going for the kids sake and for our own. Eventually any meaningful communication stopped other than what the kids where doing or what plans we wanted to make for the day.
Throughout our marriage she stayed loyal, because she know I was a good man and because she didn't want to hurt the family. Things looked like they might finally be ok three years ago when we took a trip to Florida and managed to reconnect a little.
Tragedy struck as she had auto immune issues in her early twenties and it struck again. This time almost killing her as it ate her liver away. She was impatient for 32 days, I stood by her side the whole time and did everything I could to be supportive. She lived but suffered permanent health issues with pain in her side and legs. We both enjoy the outdoors and even that was taken away as she couldn't walk for very long at a time.
She had to quit her job again and we had to file for bankruptcy. This was supposed to give us a clean slate and for her to try and recover from this without stress. Instead she spent more and more time in her phone isolating herself from the kids and me. I changed jobs again to find something that made even more money and we finally became stable with bills. the only problem was that I was working all the time and spent little time at home other than at night before bed.
My wife and I drank quit a bit off and on, mostly wine sometimes harder but mostly to be social with each other and to pass the time. It got to the point that I was bringing it home every night even when not asked. I didn't even notice that it was becoming a problem.
So this brings us to recent events.
Two months ago my wife asked me if she could babysit for a couple hours a day to make some extra money. I told her sure not thinking anything about it She told me he was a single dad with two kids that she knew through Facebook.
One month ago she started acting odd, not sleeping all night with me in bed, I thought it was because of her health issues and the panic attacks she gets at night while sleeping. She also got strip throat bad so I gave her space because I couldn't get sick at work.
Three weeks ago my gut told me to say something and I told her she needed to stop babysitting. She said she needed to get out of the house and it was fine.
Two weeks ago I went on a business trip and told her I would be back the next day. Whole gone she packed up her things and moved in with the guy she was babysitting for. She told the kids that night as well and gave them a choice to move in with her or to find somewhere else to live. She didn't thing I would want them anymore once she was gone. This devastated them, the wanted to stay with me, but she cried and one of them left with her.
She also told my son not to say anything till I got back and them to tell me everything. He did wait till the day I was coming back to tell me. I was shocked that this happened and that my trust was destroyed. I felt betrayed, and couldn't understand why someone that had a pretty good marriage would throw it all away.
I started reflecting on things and what lead up to this, and why. I realized that I pushed her away, took her for granted and couldn't get past my own insecurities to make her feel truly loved again. I don't feel that this relationship with the new guy will last long as she has a lot of medical issues and he is pretty poor. He also has 2 kids of his own and with her and the one child will make 5 in a cramped house.
I do not blame my wife, I do feel pain, sorrow, regret and a better understanding of my role in this. I feel that I truly love my wife and only feel it more so now that she is gone.
She is still talking to me but said that she loves me but not in love with me anymore. I asked her if we could work on things and she said she didn't think so, its been to many years. I asked with time and she said she didn't want to think about it now.
People want to place blame on the other person for the outcome that resulted. This has made me grow as a person. I have finally started to let go of my own insecurities and what has been holding me back this whole time. My wife has not made mention of a divorce, I think for fear that if this affair does not work out she will have me to fall back on.
I realize that I cannot be anyone's second choice, I am encouraging her to get a job and even created a resume for her. She has no money and the guy she is with is not helping her other than with a place to live.
My question to you, is do I continue to be the man she knew and loved and that I realize I truly am deep inside, or do I step aside and let her see if she can find happiness in a new relationship?
Sorry for the long read, but its hard to condense 13 years together.
I met my wife in a night club 13 years ago and we connected in a way that I can honestly only say was like the world dissolved around us. In a room of several hundred we where the only to that existed.
What followed as a very passionate relationship. See before this woman I was a virgin, I was always insecure with myself and never let go when women would show interest in me, or try to get me to do anything. It was different with this woman, I wasn't afraid anymore.
She told me she had triplets that first night, and was nervous to bring anyone new into their lives. she had come from an abusive relationship with their dad and many of the men that followed used her for their needs. I dedicated myself to be her knight in shinning armor and to protect and guide her back to the wonderful woman I knew she could be.
In the years that followed we had our ups and downs, times when we didn't like each other and times when we couldn't imagine ourselves with anyone else. I feel know that because this was my first relationship and because I felt like I was protecting her interests I lost myself in the relationship along the way. I didn't have any friends, I spent my days either at work or with her and the kids.
I thought this was how a family man should be, a provider head of the household and she a loving and dedicated wife. Well all that changed when I started spending more money than I should just to try and make her happy. You want a vacation? Sure I will make that happen, You want to redecorate the house with new furniture, I will do that too. My problem was spending money I didn't have in the believe that as long as it was on her and the kids it was justified.
I kept trying to find jobs that paid more and more money so that I could try to get out debt. Eventually we lost the rental house and had to move into my parents basement. Here we said this would be temporary, I would work hard and we would get back on our feet. She worked to but shortly after we moved in she quit her job for long periods of time. I often complained that I hated this job or that job for whatever reason and she would go back to work to help pay bills.
I eventually got a job that I liked and made good money at. I also was well over my head in debt for trips and things I had no business paying for. I kept all of this a secret to her. As time went on I started to feel resentment toward my wife and " her kids" for making me feel that I was less than a man and couldn't take care of the family needs. She felt it too and tried to stay connected, but over time the feeling became mutual. We were no longer the lovers that so intently connected that night we met.
We became more roommates with benefits and even that got to the point it wasn't enjoyable anymore. Sex became and act, nothing that had any emotional attachment. More time passed and we each tired to keep things going for the kids sake and for our own. Eventually any meaningful communication stopped other than what the kids where doing or what plans we wanted to make for the day.
Throughout our marriage she stayed loyal, because she know I was a good man and because she didn't want to hurt the family. Things looked like they might finally be ok three years ago when we took a trip to Florida and managed to reconnect a little.
Tragedy struck as she had auto immune issues in her early twenties and it struck again. This time almost killing her as it ate her liver away. She was impatient for 32 days, I stood by her side the whole time and did everything I could to be supportive. She lived but suffered permanent health issues with pain in her side and legs. We both enjoy the outdoors and even that was taken away as she couldn't walk for very long at a time.
She had to quit her job again and we had to file for bankruptcy. This was supposed to give us a clean slate and for her to try and recover from this without stress. Instead she spent more and more time in her phone isolating herself from the kids and me. I changed jobs again to find something that made even more money and we finally became stable with bills. the only problem was that I was working all the time and spent little time at home other than at night before bed.
My wife and I drank quit a bit off and on, mostly wine sometimes harder but mostly to be social with each other and to pass the time. It got to the point that I was bringing it home every night even when not asked. I didn't even notice that it was becoming a problem.
So this brings us to recent events.
Two months ago my wife asked me if she could babysit for a couple hours a day to make some extra money. I told her sure not thinking anything about it She told me he was a single dad with two kids that she knew through Facebook.
One month ago she started acting odd, not sleeping all night with me in bed, I thought it was because of her health issues and the panic attacks she gets at night while sleeping. She also got strip throat bad so I gave her space because I couldn't get sick at work.
Three weeks ago my gut told me to say something and I told her she needed to stop babysitting. She said she needed to get out of the house and it was fine.
Two weeks ago I went on a business trip and told her I would be back the next day. Whole gone she packed up her things and moved in with the guy she was babysitting for. She told the kids that night as well and gave them a choice to move in with her or to find somewhere else to live. She didn't thing I would want them anymore once she was gone. This devastated them, the wanted to stay with me, but she cried and one of them left with her.
She also told my son not to say anything till I got back and them to tell me everything. He did wait till the day I was coming back to tell me. I was shocked that this happened and that my trust was destroyed. I felt betrayed, and couldn't understand why someone that had a pretty good marriage would throw it all away.
I started reflecting on things and what lead up to this, and why. I realized that I pushed her away, took her for granted and couldn't get past my own insecurities to make her feel truly loved again. I don't feel that this relationship with the new guy will last long as she has a lot of medical issues and he is pretty poor. He also has 2 kids of his own and with her and the one child will make 5 in a cramped house.
I do not blame my wife, I do feel pain, sorrow, regret and a better understanding of my role in this. I feel that I truly love my wife and only feel it more so now that she is gone.
She is still talking to me but said that she loves me but not in love with me anymore. I asked her if we could work on things and she said she didn't think so, its been to many years. I asked with time and she said she didn't want to think about it now.
People want to place blame on the other person for the outcome that resulted. This has made me grow as a person. I have finally started to let go of my own insecurities and what has been holding me back this whole time. My wife has not made mention of a divorce, I think for fear that if this affair does not work out she will have me to fall back on.
I realize that I cannot be anyone's second choice, I am encouraging her to get a job and even created a resume for her. She has no money and the guy she is with is not helping her other than with a place to live.
My question to you, is do I continue to be the man she knew and loved and that I realize I truly am deep inside, or do I step aside and let her see if she can find happiness in a new relationship?
Sorry for the long read, but its hard to condense 13 years together.