I sincerely apologize if this is the wrong area. I looked at the different areas and honestly just didn't know where I belonged. Sex and physical intimacy are our largest struggles so this area seemed the most fitting.
I'm 28 and my husband is 31. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. I feel like my husband is on the verge of walking away from me, our marriage and our life together. It is something that I desperately want to avoid. I don't want to lose my husband...
Our biggest problem is our sex life. One year into our relationship I had a trauma (physical, sexual) that wreak havoc on our relationship. It turned our relationship upside down and everything that we once knew was blown to smithereens. My husband is a good man, he always has been and I don't want my words to be twisted and make him out to be the bad guy. The only bad guy in our situation is not being written about. We were in our early 20's and only a year into a relationship, he could have chosen to walk away. In hindsight, I know he wishes he had. He didn't. He stayed by my side and always has. We both thought, that with enough time and enough work things could get back to how they previously were. Neither of us, especially my husband, thought we would be here.
My husband and I have very little physical intimacy because I cannot handle it. There are so many parts of my body that he cannot touch at all. There are parts of my body that he doesn't want to touch, or look at. Any sexual intimacy is forced by myself. I have to force myself to do certain things, for my husband/my marriage, and it always ends poorly. Intercourse is almost impossible because I tense up so badly. I try and do other things for him until I get to the point that I physically cannot continue.
My husband has always been there for me. 4 months ago, when we hit an all time low, I told my husband that we could open the marriage if he wanted. We have a set of rules that has to be followed, I have to trust him to follow them. It has been excruciatingly hard for me, but I need to do it for my husband and my marriage. We don't talk about when/if he utilizes that privilege, I don't want to know. Even though he hasn't said anything I know he has opened that door, that I allowed him to open. Sometimes he will come home late and shower immediately. He has pulled back from me and it feels like there is a wall being built between us.
I know that I'm not who he wanted to marry. I want to make it up to him and sustain our marriage. Two days ago we got into a fight and he almost laid a hand on me. He didn't, he was very close but held himself back. He made a fist and wound his arm back, stopped himself, then almost pushed me, then stopped himself again and left the house for the rest of the night. He apologized, profusely. I'm 5'2 and 105lb, my husband is 6'2 and 220lb. If he wanted to hurt me he could. He wouldn't, unless I drive him to it. I have told my husband to force the physical intimacy but that has done nothing but harm.
Our marriage is crumbling and I don't know how to save it... Any help would be appreciated... If I could pick up a magic eraser and erase physical and sexual intimacy from our marriage it would be picture perfect. Alas, such magic eraser has yet to exist... I apologize if this in incoherent... I am quite upset typing this. My husband is sitting right next to me but it feels like we are a million miles apart as brick by brick, the indestructible wall slowly builds.
Thanks for your message.
I'm really sorry that you're going through what you are. It's a really tricky situation that you're in.
Now, reading behind the lines, i'm assuming that there was some sort of sexual assault or rape that occurred and for that, i'm truly sorry (assuming i'm correct).
In terms of your marriage and sexual intimacy, is it something that you desire at all? What about sex causes you to tense up? Is it the physical pain or some emotional scarring of some sort that is forcing you to pull back?
If you could clarify some of those points, then I can provide you with further guidance.