Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage
sokillme: I haven't participated in any online groups, maybe that is something that I need to look into. If it could help with something, anything, I'd do it. My husband has been sleeping on the couch lately and doesn't seem to have any desire to stop that. Last night I asked him when he was going to come to bed and he jokingly-ish responded with never. I don't know how much of a joke that was... I have seen two specialists who focus on sexual abuse, one was definitely better than the other. We moved across the country and I had to stop seeing the better one, which didn't help at all. Now we live in a smaller city and there isn't as many options available. My husband doesn't think there is any point to find a better therapist and move closer. He's in the didn't work before, won't work now mindset.
The outcome has always been to have a better relationship with my husband. Maybe it would be different if we hadn't been together at the time when the trauma happened. I have wanted to improve for myself to, of course. To feel comfortable with my husband, to be able to do things with him that I want to do, to be able to go to the grocery store without issues. A lot of aspects in my life didn't improve significantly until I got a service dog who was trained specifically for me. My husband doesn't really like dogs and complains about him being in the way. He's a poodle so he doesn't shed much, but any hair on my husband's clothing and he complains about it. My dog really helps me though and my therapist worked with his trainer to make sure he was perfect for me. He watches me for signs of an anxiety attack coming on and can often stop it. He knows that certain people make me more nervous than others, usually spots them before I do and guides me in a different direction or stands in front of me. He does deep pressure therapy if I am having an anxiety or panic attack and it helps it end much faster. He knows when he needs to use forward momentum to pull me forward and keep walking and I can use him to push my bodyweight into if I'm having trouble breathing or getting up. He helps me a lot...
My husband gets frustrated with our intimacy. If we avoid it he gets frustrated because we have no physical intimacy and he wants to be with his wife. If we try he gets frustrated because it rarely is successful. To be honest I think the few times we have had start to finish sex he used viagra. Most of the time we try anything he can't maintain an erection, usually he ends up somewhere in the middle of being totally soft and having an erection. He gets frustrated with himself and me because I can't relax, or the rare time that it starts going well and I ruin it. I thought letting him have those needs met somewhere else would take some of the pressure off and maybe it would get better for us. All that has changed is he is less interested and more distant. I want to be intimate with him and enjoy it... I thought maybe if he had those needs already met he wouldn't need a good time as much and he could avoid some frustration.
brooklynAnn: My husband is a really good man. I think that is obvious or he wouldn't have stuck around this long. He has never cheated on anyone, he had never had one night stands, he had never got anywhere close to hitting a woman, he never would have dreamed of "forcing" sex. I feel like I am ruining a really good man. There have been times that I have told him to not stop even if I say to stop. It messes with his head... I don't want to ruin him for someone else...
I don't want to have to walk away from him... I know that if I were single I could probably work on myself a little bit more but I really don't think it gets any better for me... He is my husband, who I love and trust, and I can't improve for him. I know he would be happier with someone else and that should make this an easy decision but it doesn't. I love him, I want him to be happy and have everything that he wants in life, but it being with someone else really hurts to think about.
I don't want to make a decision for him. He has chosen to stay this long. I do need to talk to him and see where he stands... That is a scary thought because it could be the last conversation we have as a married couple.