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I need help with sustaining my marriage

9K views 77 replies 29 participants last post by  Anon Pink 
#1 ·
I sincerely apologize if this is the wrong area. I looked at the different areas and honestly just didn't know where I belonged. Sex and physical intimacy are our largest struggles so this area seemed the most fitting.

I'm 28 and my husband is 31. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. I feel like my husband is on the verge of walking away from me, our marriage and our life together. It is something that I desperately want to avoid. I don't want to lose my husband...

Our biggest problem is our sex life. One year into our relationship I had a trauma (physical, sexual) that wreak havoc on our relationship. It turned our relationship upside down and everything that we once knew was blown to smithereens. My husband is a good man, he always has been and I don't want my words to be twisted and make him out to be the bad guy. The only bad guy in our situation is not being written about. We were in our early 20's and only a year into a relationship, he could have chosen to walk away. In hindsight, I know he wishes he had. He didn't. He stayed by my side and always has. We both thought, that with enough time and enough work things could get back to how they previously were. Neither of us, especially my husband, thought we would be here.

My husband and I have very little physical intimacy because I cannot handle it. There are so many parts of my body that he cannot touch at all. There are parts of my body that he doesn't want to touch, or look at. Any sexual intimacy is forced by myself. I have to force myself to do certain things, for my husband/my marriage, and it always ends poorly. Intercourse is almost impossible because I tense up so badly. I try and do other things for him until I get to the point that I physically cannot continue.

My husband has always been there for me. 4 months ago, when we hit an all time low, I told my husband that we could open the marriage if he wanted. We have a set of rules that has to be followed, I have to trust him to follow them. It has been excruciatingly hard for me, but I need to do it for my husband and my marriage. We don't talk about when/if he utilizes that privilege, I don't want to know. Even though he hasn't said anything I know he has opened that door, that I allowed him to open. Sometimes he will come home late and shower immediately. He has pulled back from me and it feels like there is a wall being built between us.

I know that I'm not who he wanted to marry. I want to make it up to him and sustain our marriage. Two days ago we got into a fight and he almost laid a hand on me. He didn't, he was very close but held himself back. He made a fist and wound his arm back, stopped himself, then almost pushed me, then stopped himself again and left the house for the rest of the night. He apologized, profusely. I'm 5'2 and 105lb, my husband is 6'2 and 220lb. If he wanted to hurt me he could. He wouldn't, unless I drive him to it. I have told my husband to force the physical intimacy but that has done nothing but harm.

Our marriage is crumbling and I don't know how to save it... Any help would be appreciated... If I could pick up a magic eraser and erase physical and sexual intimacy from our marriage it would be picture perfect. Alas, such magic eraser has yet to exist... I apologize if this in incoherent... I am quite upset typing this. My husband is sitting right next to me but it feels like we are a million miles apart as brick by brick, the indestructible wall slowly builds.
 
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#66 ·
I've already lost everything. I don't ever want another relationship. If I wasn't good enough for my husband and my husband couldn't deal with it no one else could. I'd rather be a monk.

He just didn't come home... And a 3 days later texted me and said "I can't do it anymore. I want a divorce. I'm not coming back." I lost anything left that matters through a text message... I wasn't even worth a real conversation.
 
#70 ·
I agree. I know it does not feel this way right now, but you are well rid of him. Lonely. But now unburdened by him dragging you down.

As others have said, take this time to work on yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Then you will be ready for a man who loves you, and you will be able to return his love.

I am sorry your current husband was not that man. But that man is out there.
 
#71 ·
Wow... Console her if you must, but please leave the guy out of this... That guy didn't signed up for that ****, and for surviving that long for 8 years, trying out everything he can, hats off to him. He is still human after all, he is not God. A man can't do everything, only a fairy tale would tell you so.
 
#72 ·
Nope sorry the husband is a weak man. And yes he did sign up for it. They didn't get married until well after the attack. So yes, he signed up for being a part of the healing process. Unfortunately he put no energy into his own healing so he could be a part of her healing. He figured all would be well once she could enjoy sex again. Don't know how he thought that could happen if he could never look upon her scars. The man's a coward.
 
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#74 ·
"These scars are a story of where I have been, not where I am nor who I am, but where I am going and what I have overcome. They are a story of my courage and my strength to fight back and regain control of my life. Strength, courage and life are never something to be ashamed of. The longer I hid the more power my abusers had. Silence gives them strength. Silence feeds them. Do not be silent. Do not hide. Be proud that you beat them. YOU won.?

This quote from Kale is a great place to start. I'm encouraging you to FIGHT for you!!! This horrible event is stealing your life. Your life, your existence is greater, bigger. Fight, fight, fight. Regain You. Put that horrible event in its place. Under you!!! Not hoarding over you!

Now that your husband has checked out also let that be a catalyst to overcome! Your life is not over. Every single day is a new opportunity to find you. To live out the life you desire. Don't let the horrible event win. Don't let the failings in your marriage win. You have power on the inside of you to rise above it all. You just have to find it and build on it. Your life is greater. You are greater.

Seek victory. I truly believe that it's in you. It was before this. It's not gone just needs to be feed. Find your strength. It exist!!! Fight!!
 
#77 ·
@Anon Pink, Stretch marks are very different from sexual abuse scars. The former speaks happiness, while the latter speaks sadness. That guy was brave to marry her, but he wasn't prepared, which was a foolish thing to do. No women would marry a guy that was broken. That guy tried maintaining his vows for the first few years, but after not seeing any results, he lost hope. That's when thing went downhill from there on, with both of them opening up their marriage and so on. In fact, when his wife opened up the door and let him have sex with other women, that itself was symbolic. It was a symbol of the breaking of the covenant between a husband and his wife. He probably lost himself at that point, not being able to differentiate between a husband or a cheater. That was why he couldn't go on anymore, because the more it goes on, the more he loses himself.

That guy wasn't prepared, he had an easy life since young, that's why you don't spoil your children.
 
#78 ·
It doesn't matter why a scar is present, or how it got there, if it affects how a woman feels about herself, about her body, makes her self conscious and inhibited about getting naked, the man who wants her to be naked with him had better be able to honestly look past, look beyond, and convince her she remains the beautiful woman he married.

I find it hard to believe this idiot couldn't get beyond his own issues to help his wife. The need for a husband to convince his wife her mastectomy scars, lumpectomy scars, biopsy scars, and all the tubes and crap all over her chest...scars from a not pleasant event.... are not affecting how he sees her, is like basic husband 101.

"I am about to marry a woman I love dearly who was recently a victim of a brutal traumatic rape that nearly killed her. She has emotional scars, of course, and she has physical scars. I am prepared to help her through this because I will be patient about getting laid."
What an idiot!

It doesn't matter that he led a charmed life and never had to face a hardship. Everyone gets to have life smack the **** out of them at some point and most are unprepared. We deal with it, we learn how to deal with it. We figure out what we need to know in order to make it better. This husband did none of that. The next time life smacks the **** out him, he will probably continue to fail not because he was pampered, but because he lacks fortitude and uses excuses and blames others instead of looking in the mirror.

At the age of 54, I have decided I don't want people like that in my life. They suck you dry because they can't cope. OP spent her marriage trying to make things easier for her poor wittle wee baby husband. And he shows his lack of mettle by hooking up with someone else and then texting her for a divorce. OP will be so much better off with out this man.
 
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