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post #10 of (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
Thank you to everybody for the responses.

I think that in my head it just felt like none of the normal rules seemed to follow in this situation because I understand that sometimes a person won't find you attractive or sometimes they won't like you or sometimes they don't want a relationship and sometimes they just want sex; and normally if any of those things are true, you can read it to a strong degree from their actions and body language and behavior. When someone does something like this it makes me feel quite vulnerable in dating because he didn't act or reveal any of those things.

Satya you are quite right of course, I realise "making a man wait" is a way to ascertain his character and intentions and you're right on so many levels about this. Being honest, I'd gone a long time without sex or affection (I am quite selective with dating and also afraid of being hurt or used) and I'd had some wine and it felt right. My gut was wrong on this one because at no point did I anticipate any possibility of this happening with this particular man. On the upside, he revealed his poor character to me early in. I love sex too, but it's amazing how quickly a sensible woman can feel cheap when something like this happens and I don't like the way it's made me feel.

Cooper, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words there. It's strange because people say words like "player" but I am a big believer that underneath it all, most human being just want the same thing - to love and be loved - and when men (or women) act like this I so often think it's fear that prevents them from acting normally. I mean, he wasted a month of my time, yes, but also a month of his own. There's easier ways to get sex, especially for a handsome 41 year old doctor with his own practice, so part of me believes he was at least playing at the fantasy of having a relationship and maybe wasn't up to the job.

His past relationship history, which he actually divulged in full that night, is pretty sad. He married his first girlfriend right out of college and ended up trapped for 16 years in a marriage with someone who sounded like a really bad bully. This guy came across as very weak / not assertive, and what he described to me sounded like pretty high level emotional abuse. He still seemed very shaken and he is only two years out from that divorce that cost him 80% of his assets and she now won't let him see his young children. Actually the day he left here he was going to see his children for the first time in months because she was obstructing contact. He did seem honestly really upset and he mentioned that he was worried about feeling "trapped" or "controlled" again so maybe it is easier for him to feel safety in freedom and without attachment to anyone who can potentially harm him that way again.

So maybe, yes, he enjoyed the idea of me, but the reality of what it would mean was too hard. I felt mostly quite sad for him because I know we had a good time, that he was happy because he didn't want to leave and he missed out really here on knowing a woman who liked him for himself and would have been kind and loving towards him which he has never experienced.

He might have played me, but he lost out too. I don't think anyone gets real satisfaction or happiness from behaving like this.
Oh. Likely scenario, he mentioned to his abusive bully ex that he was seeing someone and she said: "Drop her, or you'll never see your children again."

So he did what he was told.

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