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Can men tell me what happened here?

16K views 219 replies 42 participants last post by  Jessica38 
#1 ·
I know women go through this kind of story a lot, but I like to think I am an intelligent woman (35) who runs a company and is a good judge of character (normally!). I get asked out a lot, but am really selective, trying to only choose men who seem compatible and also honest, kind and good people.

I met a man through online dating (41). We both have very busy careers and similar backgrounds / objectives so on paper this was a great match.

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well. He said many, many times how beautiful I was and how much he liked things about me (my confidence, fun nature, sweetness).

We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well with the first kiss and hand holding and he seemed very much besotted and I began to warm to him because he seemed very humble, kind and honest.

We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully. Lots of kissing and talking and feeling warm and happy.

Throughout this time, I'd say he was very attentive, consistent, kind, gentlemanly and seemed to have a lovely and caring disposition.

The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place (all I could manage with my schedule that day) and he arrived with flowers and wine and we had a really great evening. We properly talked over that night, revealed a lot about ourselves and out past (he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it) and I felt over that night we became really emotionally intimate.

We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed and it felt definitely like the start of a relationship.

Then he left and messaged me shortly afterwards to say he enjoyed the time he spent with me and thought the sex was amazing but he just could not "do" a relationship and he felt I deserved one.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about this, he definitely made out he was growing a relationship with me, so I am confused. if he didn't like me, why did he spend so much time on me, and if the sex was disappointing, why did he keep doing it?

I haven't been with a man for a year, due to being selective and wanting to meet someone right, and that night we had such a wonderful, close and intimate time and it felt very clear he was loving the time he was spending with me from his words and actions so I am very confused about why he suddenly doesn't want to see me again.

I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill when I think this person had that intimacy with me (emotionally and physically) and he treated me like I was invisible afterwards.

Why does a man behave like this?
 
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#2 ·
Because despite him meeting such a wonderful woman who he was really starting to get attached to, his ex had damaged him far more than he has acknowledged and he really is not yet in a place mentally where he can risk being vulnerable enough to give himself the chance of finding love again.

He may never be in that place, emotionally.
 
#3 ·
Unfortunately you came into contact with a player and once he slept with you he moved on.The only reason he hung on so long was his age,if he had been fifteen years younger he wouldn't have waited so long for sex.There is not much you can do here other than put it behind you and move on.
At least the sex was good.
 
#4 · (Edited)
What you have encountered, @Sophie55 ~ is greatly what I would fear myself of becoming!

Although at least I truly believe that my conscience could never allow me to ever lead a woman on!

It was, however, within his psychological makeup! But the sad thing is that he will probably repeat this act many times over in order to get to that next elusive piece that he's so ardently pursuing!

Guys like him give honest, sincere men everywhere a bad name!
 
#5 ·
My advice might not be agreeable to you, and I'm a woman, so feel free to disregard, but if you are truly looking for a committed relationship, don't have sex so early on. There are unfortunately many men out there like the one you dated, who may either be players, damaged, carring great baggage, etc.

I dated several like your guy, and because I was very adamant about wanting a RELATIONSHIP, I would not have sex until we dated for 3 months. Many of them, even the most mature seeming and romantic, dropped like flies.

Many posters here, especially men, think 3 months is rediculous, I'm sure, however those were my personal boundaries. I love sex, but I also know that I only want it with a man who truly wants me and to give up the cookie early would send a message I didn't want to send.

IMO, having sex early on shows with actions that you'll go against your own words when you tell men that you're selectively looking for a committed relationship. They'll think twice about your seriousness and put you in the "fun woman" box. You want to be in the "marrying kind" box.

I know there are many posters here who had sex early on, married, and are happy, but they are the outliers IMO, especially in this day and age. My current husband and I waited, because we both wanted the relationship to blossom and succeed on its own merit. When we had sex the first time, it was mind blowing and has been that way since.

So in summary, I think that you need to respect what you can offer to a man more than you currently are. Protect it, and a man who is right for you will emerge. Any man can tell you you're beautiful and say the right things, but if you don't give enough time to really tell from his actions if he's as noble as he seems, then you're only making things easier for him and unfair to you.

All the best.
 
#6 ·
I'm not so sure I would label the guy as a player, my thoughts were more of an emotionally unavailable man. I don't think a player is going to quit after a night of great sex, he's going to want to keep tapping that until something else comes along.

OP I think it was entirely possible the guy went into it with the right intentions, but when things developed into what could be an actual relationship he freaked out. Dating was easy, no strings and you walk away at any time, but once that emotional connection is made things change, now there's expectations, commitments and obligations, there's the time necessary, the planning, the compromising. It was fun to wine and dine you, but he doesn't want to have to do that all the time, that takes energy he doesn't have or isn't willing to give.

I recognize myself in your post, in my head I keep thinking I want to be in a relationship, but when it comes down to it I'm not willing to give of myself what is needed in a relationship. It took me awhile to recognize this in myself, and I hurt a few women along the way, that's one of the reasons I haven't been on an actual date in three years. I love women and miss a woman's company, but know I will just end up hurting them.

Sophie55 I know my answer doesn't make you feel any better, I know you still feel played, and the guy certainly could have intentionally played you, or he could just be screwed up and is afraid of a good thing.
 
#9 ·
Thank you to everybody for the responses.

I think that in my head it just felt like none of the normal rules seemed to follow in this situation because I understand that sometimes a person won't find you attractive or sometimes they won't like you or sometimes they don't want a relationship and sometimes they just want sex; and normally if any of those things are true, you can read it to a strong degree from their actions and body language and behavior. When someone does something like this it makes me feel quite vulnerable in dating because he didn't act or reveal any of those things.

Satya you are quite right of course, I realise "making a man wait" is a way to ascertain his character and intentions and you're right on so many levels about this. Being honest, I'd gone a long time without sex or affection (I am quite selective with dating and also afraid of being hurt or used) and I'd had some wine and it felt right. My gut was wrong on this one because at no point did I anticipate any possibility of this happening with this particular man. On the upside, he revealed his poor character to me early in. I love sex too, but it's amazing how quickly a sensible woman can feel cheap when something like this happens and I don't like the way it's made me feel.

Cooper, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words there. It's strange because people say words like "player" but I am a big believer that underneath it all, most human being just want the same thing - to love and be loved - and when men (or women) act like this I so often think it's fear that prevents them from acting normally. I mean, he wasted a month of my time, yes, but also a month of his own. There's easier ways to get sex, especially for a handsome 41 year old doctor with his own practice, so part of me believes he was at least playing at the fantasy of having a relationship and maybe wasn't up to the job.

His past relationship history, which he actually divulged in full that night, is pretty sad. He married his first girlfriend right out of college and ended up trapped for 16 years in a marriage with someone who sounded like a really bad bully. This guy came across as very weak / not assertive, and what he described to me sounded like pretty high level emotional abuse. He still seemed very shaken and he is only two years out from that divorce that cost him 80% of his assets and she now won't let him see his young children. Actually the day he left here he was going to see his children for the first time in months because she was obstructing contact. He did seem honestly really upset and he mentioned that he was worried about feeling "trapped" or "controlled" again so maybe it is easier for him to feel safety in freedom and without attachment to anyone who can potentially harm him that way again.

So maybe, yes, he enjoyed the idea of me, but the reality of what it would mean was too hard. I felt mostly quite sad for him because I know we had a good time, that he was happy because he didn't want to leave and he missed out really here on knowing a woman who liked him for himself and would have been kind and loving towards him which he has never experienced.

He might have played me, but he lost out too. I don't think anyone gets real satisfaction or happiness from behaving like this.
 
#14 ·
Without reading other replies (yet), my guess is that he's being honest, and just isn't ready.

You mentioned he discussed his previous marriage and still seemed upset and angry about it. That's all you need to know about that. 4th date, and he's talking angrily about his ex-wife. Ouch.

The other likelihood is that he is/was looking to have a pretty casual relationship - but doesn't quite know how to go about it. Hence the "dating". He got home that day, and realized that he was well on his way to an actual relationship.

I wouldn't say that he was only looking to get laid, but that's a possibility, too. And perhaps he thought he was going about it the 'right' way (without being a player or a dog) because that's the only way he knows how.

But when that happened, and he had a little time to reflect, he may have thought "oh ****, I've just started an actual relationship here".

Honestly, it sucks for you, but it is what it is. At the very least, it sounds like he treated you well, and you had a few good dates. I can see how you would feel taken advantage of or a little violated, but I don't get the impression that was his goal - just to bed you.

At the end of the day, consider it a blessing. I wouldn't want to date someone who was still vocally angry at their ex partner. That implies they still have feelings of some sort for them. I was angry at my ex wife for a long time, but I never once let it seep into my relationship with my now-wife. I never talked about her, discussed her in any way. She was a non-entity in my relationship.
 
#18 ·
That sounds the most likely scenario so far. Thank you. It did feel, to be honest, like we started a relationship that night and for me that felt wonderful / exciting and for him obviously the opposite.

As someone said earlier, I guess if someone is a player and has great sex they want to at least keep having it until something new comes along.
I do think the sex was crazily good and from his response and the ability at age 41 to have in 9 times in 12 hours he obviously enjoyed it too - but in this case instead of wanting more after putting in all the ground work, he ran for the hills because it felt too much like a relationship.
 
#15 ·
When I was dating I thought 3 months was ridiculous. I thought waiting 3 dates was unreasonable. But I am a man and I was genuinely looking for a relationship, a permanent relationship.

It did not dawn on me a woman might not be looking for the same, so I saw no reason to wait. I don't think I ever met a woman who wasn't looking for a permanent relationship. Yeah, I'm sure there's some out there, whatever.

I'm a lot older now. I've realized men are terrible. You have to do something to weed out the players. It's too bad you have to give up your freedoms and fun to do that.

Good luck.
 
#22 ·
Thanks William. Honestly, if I had the choice, I prefer to have sex early. I think it's more natural to just go with what feels right and because it's a HUGE part of the relationship I also want to establish that it works before I get to know someone. Unfortunately - you're right. Facts are you do need to weed out the wheat from the chaff a little and waiting a while before sex makes sense.

I can't say I want a relationship, I just want a relationship with the right guy. I want it all to feel right, to work for me and make my life better and be fun and exciting and it's not that easy to find. If men wanted to have sex but ALSO get to know you, that would be awesome, but I wonder if the online dating culture has made that impossible. Sometimes they are just so spoiled for choice they are looking for the next, best thing the entire time and they could meet the absolute perfect woman but don't take the time to get to know her.

I dislike playing games, and with-holding sex always felt like that to me. Maybe I need to change and wise-up
 
#16 ·
The still married thing did occur to me :( but I don't think so as he invited me to his house.

I do think he had some issues, was clear from the way he was talking that his view of relationships is not necessarily positive; whereas mine is very positive so there was a mismatch there.

What I suppose made me feel so bad was the element of rejection. Nobody likes that feeling.

I can understand men want the sex and all that, and I know in this case his physical attraction was very high and he was eagerly anticipating sleeping with me, but we all want to feel like there's more to us, and this made me feel very cheap.

I could almost understand having a few drinks and ending up in bed together and realising it was a mistake and getting the heck out of there, but the part where I felt we bonded mentally and emotionally hurt me actually quite a lot. You don't expect a guy to bring the flowers and look so nervous and hold your hand and talk to you all night about hopes and dreams and the past and future if it's a "hit and run".

I think I just truly believed it was something.
 
#21 ·
By the way, a husband of a cousin of mine preyed on Mary in a very similar way once. It's what they do.

Charm, smooth talker, pushes all the sympathy buttons, long talks, lots of kissing, from what I heard. Mary is a special snowflake so what do I know, but hey, that was long ago.

Expect it.
 
#35 ·
Gate keeper, I can agree with. Can you elaborate on the game playing? That I don't understand.

And I'll never know if they were good men in general, maybe they were, but they weren't good for me. This is what OP needs to be clear on with her own version of boundaries.
 
#27 ·
It really appears to me the man is jaded from his first disaster of a marriage. He is not ready to try again. In other words, the man has enough on his plate with xw and children he is not able to see that adding in Sophie to the debacle is not fair to her. In short, he will not be in the relationship 100% because of the noise he is hearing all day from xw. He did state he could give Sophie the relationship she deserves.
 
#32 ·
I'd like to think that was true.

One thing we talked about that night was me. My family, my life, my son. He probably got more of a glimpse into who I am and he saw photos of me, my life and saw me as a human being.

I also talked to him a lot about the death of my husband 4 years ago, and during that conversation he was holding my hand and it wasn't easy for me to share / open up on that level but it felt right and I felt like he really cared.

This made me feel even more bad about the dumping, but i'd like to think he felt I deserved better, rather than that he sat through all that and didn't like me!!!
 
#28 ·
It is either he was a player or he was genuine about being hurt. I have been the hurt guy and freaked out when things felt too serious quickly and bolted. It's really hard to know which it is. I am going with the hurt guy though based on a few details of your story but it doesn't matter it ended the same .

This unfortunately is just a part of dating. More disappointments than successes. Don't let one bad experience change who or what you are. Throwing an arbitrary number on how long to wait for sex may just push away good guys as well. Sorry no easy answers. Men go through this stuff as well. Dating is not for the feint of heart
 
#34 ·
The part I was more worried about was that at there was something wrong with me / being with me wasn't as nice as his imagination said it would be and it's knocked my confidence a bit!


If he's a player or scared of being hurt, I guess that's easier for me to live with because it doesn't feel quite as personal. Like I don't want to feel like the girl who was only worth sex once and you need a better one for a relationship.
 
#30 · (Edited)
@Satya - I'll back you up. If I invite a woman to my house or go to her house I pretty much know we're going to sleep together because the environment is setup for that to happen.

Sophie, I want to present another idea. Maybe it was you that were not reading him correctly and that scared him off. A lot of guys are not comfortable when a woman is thinking that it is a developing relationship after only 4 dates, even if there was sex involved. Even if you didn't directly say it, there is usually a lot of non-verbal cues that indicate that one person is wanting to develop things faster than the other person is comfortable with. A better long term strategy with guys that are slow movers would have been to just hang out and have fun with him and see if something developed, without having any expectations of your own. Personally, it takes me at least 6 months of dating to decide if I want to move beyond casual with a woman. However, if during that 6 months the woman is pushing hard for a relationship and it's obvious we aren't moving at the same speed I will stop seeing her and find someone else that is more in sync with my relationship speed.
 
#33 ·
Outline dating is really skeptical. You'll run into lots of players. I think you let the relationship get physical and progress way too fast. If you decide to continue outline dating, slow things way down even if things seem to be going real good. The players will get bored and move on, leaving you those who are legitimately interested in you.
 
#41 ·
Maybe he was genuine and was not ready and started to get scared or maybe he just wanted sex you may never know but I guess at least he messaged you and didn't just ignore you, not a reflection of you at all either way it is his issue.

I am ALMOST divorced and its not been as traumatic as his Marriage/Divorce sounded but the thought of jumping into a serious relationship and trusting someone again is pretty terrifying, I would be open to some light dating and just hanging out and having fun and some companionship but if it progressed too fast for me or I felt like the other person wanted more than that initially I think I would pull back also just to not hurt someone else..
 
#44 ·
I'm a man, and as stated I thought sex on the second date was right back when I was dating. But I have to say I can't see how a woman wanting to wait can be interpreted as controlling.

She wants to control her own body, I suppose. I like to think if a girl I was interested in had said she would like to have sex but wanted to wait to make sure I wasn't playing games with her that I would have been fine with that.

I'm certain I would not have seen it as controlling.

It may have made her more intriguing. As long as she didn't say she just wasn't interested in sex.
 
#45 ·
Controlling? I agree...not controlling. I would venture a guess some see sex as just sex. Others require an emotional connection before consideration of sex. The OP here had an emotional connection. My BIL dated one chick just one day and received oral after the date was done. She never returned. It was just sex or a thank you BJ. Who knows. I know this...I would not be looking for a second date from that chick. How many thank you's has she completed on all the previous dates before my BIL?
 
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#47 ·
Yeah, I think that's it. I felt strong attraction and emotional connection.

We had a talk and I said to him I was fine with having sex early as it's a good gauge of chemistry and it felt right, if you enjoy it and the time together you do it again and then see what progresses. We agreed on the basics beforehand so he could have been more honest but maybe his brain wasn't doing the thinking.

He seemed practically frothing at the mouth, so maybe it was the sex motivating him to spend time with me.

I had sex with my husband in the hallway of hotel on the day we met. We ended up married.

I usually wait until I feel trust / comfortable / connection and sometimes that's longer, sometimes shorter. I do feel like I am in two minds on this sex issue. I don't want to have to "motivate" a man to spend time and get to know me by witholding sex like he is a child. I'd prefer a more mature/ emotionally worthy man who didn't make that necessary in the first place but like you all said maybe this is not the real world.

I am 1000% sure if I hadn't had sex with him that night we'd be having a 5th date, but then maybe I am glad I didn't invest further in him.
 
#49 ·
You said, "he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it"

Key word was STILL. He is hurting. He is out trying to find a way to not hurt. He found you.

Stay cordial. Tell him you had a great time. That you are there to talk to if he likes and you realize he isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe in time he will be. If you guys hit it off as well as you say (I think you can trust your gut), then he might be calling in a few days/weeks.
 
#50 ·
Sounds to me that once you had sex, his feelings for you became stronger and this scared him. He pulled away because he is afraid to be that close to a woman again. The more he cares about you, the more vulnerable he feels.

It sucks for both of you, but try not to personalize it. It's not your scars or your morning breath. There are a lot of people walking around with deep emotional wounds lurking below the surface. You may have found one. Don't let that get you down.
 
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