Ladyinblue

When this all blew up and i found the emails, I told him I was leaving,took of my wedding band and told him that he could have them back since it was obvious our marriage meant nothing to him.I had every intention of filing for divorce. He literally broke down and got down on his knees asking me to forgive him. I was so devastated and angry at him-i told him I didn't know if i could ever forgive him, or if i even "wanted to" so he'd have to learn to live with the consequences of his choices. He cried and cried for hours, to the point where he made himself sick.I found myself comforting him and calming him down...because it killed me to see him hurting so bad.After spending the next few days and nights talking and figuring out what had gone wrong-i realized what part i had played in this.As painful as it was, i couldn't deny that i had "pulled away" and given up on our marriage and ignored his needs as well.I remembered the times where he had tried to communicate his feelings, and i had gotten angry and accused him of "trying to control" me.I didn't want to listen to what he needed from me because i felt like if i did-it meant that i was "giving in to him"...If anyone can understand that?

We both agreed that both of us had stopped putting our marriage as a priority and instead chosen to ignore each others needs.He promised me that he would put 110% into rebuilding our marriage and he was willing to do whatever i asked of him to regain my trust in him again.He said this had been a huge wake up call-because it had helped him realize he loved me more than anything and didn't want to ever lose me.He assured me he didn't care about the other woman or pursuing anything with her,and he would never contact her again. I really can't fault anything he has done so far. He has been trying to rebuild the relationship we once had and stayed true to his word so far.So things are going great, aside from my natural mood swings-which have been getting less frequent. Even though he's really trying to be supportive, he gets really upset when he sees i am upset....and ends up apologizing all over again and tells me how its killing him to see me hurting.He tells me how he wakes up every morning and stares at me while im sleeping and hates himself for being so stupid to almost lose the best thing he's ever had (started crying again). I ended up comforting him and telling him that i didn't want him keep punishing himself over this because we had both drifted apart, and taken each other for granted. It could have been me having an emotional affair-because the thought had crossed my miind.Although unlike him, I never acted on it.I told him that i was upset about his poor choices, but because i loved him i was willing to put the past behind us and focus on the future instead. I tried to explain that i wasn't trying to punish him by getting upset-it was just something i had no control over....Its irrational to think someone could "get over" something so painful in a little over a week..and not be "upset" from time to time.


I dunno, i guess my being upset "triggers" him into feeling "guilty" and so he feels the need to apologize ....God this is so confusing. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.It just makes it really hard for me to be "upset" around him, because i know how he is going to react....so my question is this-am i turning this around on myself here?


Its almost like-"he's the victim" and I'm the one being supportive in a sense...is this normal and if it isn't how should i deal with this? Besides this issue, I honestly could not ask for him to do anything more at this point and in a lot of ways I have gained insight about myself and the way i communicate.

Thank you for your encouraging responses and valuable input.In a time like this to have found this forum-i can't thank you all enough.

LadyinBlue