Join Date: Sep 2010
| | Re: I am so upset, lonely and lost
I read all your follow up posts and will start with the last one.
re: Well, my wife left for Florida a week ago and we are now separated. I feel crushed. We were both crying right before she left. It is still very hard for me to understand. Every single person I talk to about this says she is making a mistake. She told me herself she knows she may be going over a cliff. Very hard for me to understand this after being together 19 years.
... Sorry that you are now separated but it was going to happen based on her determination (your previous comments) and what seem so be her independence and strength.
I will only share with you from my own experience and not pose as some kind of 'expert' on relationships.
My situation was somewhat like yours. I was the needy, lonely, dependent person and my (then) wife was the tough, determined, strong person. I learned in counseling and therapy that I was the one-down, Codependent and she was the one-up, Counter Dependent (just another kind of Codependent). I was passive, she aggressive. These are just convenient descriptions to begin to get a handle on our condition and therefore begin to cope with and solve our problems. My wife, like your wife, would not have gone for help because she was PERFECT and didn't need any help whereas I was admittedly the messed up one, so I started working on myself in Recovery groups. I could give you lots of links and leads with this stuff but you can learn all about it by searching the web or in bookstores or libraries.
re: While in florida this year, my wife took several trips to see her friend for days at a time. I never felt so alone in my life. No friends, no family to hang out with.
.... This is all about Codependent neediness and isolation. Codependents are very dependent on others for their happiness and security, so when the strong partner is absent, the passive partner gets depressed, lonely, frightened, sad, etc. You can learn all about this by searching the web on Codependency or in counseling. By the way, Codependency can be CURED!
RE: Now that we are in NY, my wife stays mostly in the basement apt. of our rental more than she stays with me 50 miles away in the house I re-habbed. I feel crushed.
... Yes, you would feel 'crushed'. She is the strong/independent one and is in control.
Our families have been asking what is going on with us. I tell them what is going on and they do not understand what is going through her mind.
... Once you begin to study and learn about Codependency, what is in her mind will become very clear BUT what is in your mind is the most important thing, since fixing your self is the real issue for you.
"My wife does not get along with anyone in her family (very sad)
... That just tells me that there are deep, unhealed problems within her family that have lead to her Codependent condition. This will become clear as you learn about Codependency and other psychological stuff. Both of you could use some counseling but she will most likely never do it.
I provide for her, cook, do the shopping, fix everything for her among many other things.
... Same with us. I was the doormat, servant, nice-guy, needy little dependent one while she was the OK one.
re: There is no marriage counseling as she says, “I won’t go. I want FL and you want NY. There is nothing anyone can counsel us about.”
... Yes, that's a typical One-up Codependent response because they don't need any help from anyone or anything. They are tough, know it all, and very determined, etc.
Well, here's what we did and how it all turned out:
I started therapy/counseling in cheap or free support groups and some one on one counseling. The groups did me the most good. She watched from the sidelines and appreciated that I was getting better as I began to get a backbone and understand myself better. It got very sticky with us as I began to know what I want and learned how to STAND UP FOR MYSELF. She didn't like my new independence and strength which threatened her long standing control and authority in or very bad relationship. I learned exactly why or marriage was so bad and why I had been such a one-down, needy little Codependent ever since I was a child. I also began to understand why she was the way she was - she never did understand it, but then, she had no interest in understanding - just CONTROLLING everyone and everything. As I grew and learned, it became clear to me how to make a relationship work and what to do about our bad one. I learned that a relationship had to have: Total, 100% honesty and truthfulness - which our never did! It must be built on complete RESPECT, (I had to learn exactly what 'respect' is and how to attain it) affection and LOYALTY - which we never had. There are some other things but just these 2 alone can make a good marriage. Unfortunately, she would have no part of these new and threatening concepts, so after about a year more of bitter fights and discord, I LEFT HER and got a divorce. Once I learned what was wrong and how to fix it, I could no longer go on living in a bad, unhappy CODEPENDENT relationship with anyone.
I met another 'recovering' person, married her and am now happily married to/with a healthy, knowledgeable, loving person and we constantly use our relationship skills and knowledge to keep our love, respect and happiness in place. I deeply wish I had been taught these skills as a child or anytime before but our family was very dysfunctional and it took many sad and miserable years to finally HAVE TO stop and learn what I wish I had known all along but I'm ever so grateful that fate forced me to learn this stuff and I wish the same for you or anyone struggling in life. I have kept this as simple as I could and trust that, if you go searching, as I did, you will also find answers and solutions to your issues.
re: Should I just give in and go to FL and lose my mind or get separated? I am so very sad about this
..... Please do not 'give up' on your self or lose your mind any more than you already have in this Codependent relationship. You may be sad now BUT, if and when you go for help FOR YOUR SELF, the sadness may give way to happy UNDERSTANDING and knowledge of relationship skills and how to make it all work.
Good luck learning and HEALING,