I know i did!!!!-but it wasn't until the affair that i saw it.At first i couldn't believe it-it was like that feeling of "here i go again"....except this time it hurt ten times worse because i truly believed he was the "right" guy for me and i had taken the time to see what he was really about before moving in with him. I truly loved "who he was" and so i decided to give love one last shot.The only problem was i didn't realize that i was too scared to commit again-and so i began to pull away.Many times i rejected him simply because i really hated being "touched a lot" or "kissed a lot" by him and quite honestly, deep down i felt confident like i was "in control" .For the first time I wasn't the idiot wanting to be all "touchy feely" all the time and "loving"...he was. So no matter how many times he tried to tell me how it made him feel rejected by me-i would just push him away farther by becoming defensive and blame him for trying to control me or change me.Over time this created a big rift between us that only got bigger with every fight,disrespectful behavior, and hurtful word.I would even fantasize about leaving him and constantly questioned my decision to marry him.I became miserable and moody.Communicating with him was impossible-and things would always escalate into arguments.I stopped trying to communicate and pulled away completely.
Eventually i began to ponder the idea of having an "affair" myself.To my surprise, it was he who ended up having one.I stopped trying to communicate and pulled away and how did he respond? By betraying me...Did i expect a different response? Yes i did, i expected him to have been able to come to me and tell me how rejected by me he felt before he went to someone else for some emotional support.But He HAD TRIED Many times! Only to have me push him away and argue. I had set up a no-win situation.Now i look back and understand how much i was holding back from the very beginning of the relationship, because of my own baggage and "fear of commitment" to avoid being hurt again....and as much as it hurts-i have come to accept the part i played in re-creating my own misery.I was not communicating in a loving way, yet i was expecting him to every time...and this is why i made the decision to forgive him.I know it will take time, but i do want to whole -heartedly forgive him for his betrayal. Why? Because i can still look at him and see many amazing qualities that i love about him and because he has proven to me, that he wants to make this marriage work.He may not be perfect, but his qualities outweigh his flaws.One of his best qualities, is that he has the humility to admit his mistakes and is always willing to improve on what he needs to improve on. This affair has opened my eyes to so many things.....i can't say I'm glad it happened, but I'm not sure anything less would have gotten my attention.
Crazy huh?
LadyInBlue