Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - really confused - help !
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post #4 of (permalink) Old 10-24-2010, 11:39 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 362
Re: really confused - help !


I was hoping you'd be online this morning - you are not being mean when you talk about our ages, I used to think 40 year olds were ancient ;-) . Turns out that 80+ yo get together in at least one nursing home I'm aware of, I've been told there is a room with a queen size bed and a lock, many of the nurses and CNAs are shocked.

I was wondering if W can possibly love me ( though need me might be more accurate) so much she wants me to meet my needs with other women even if she can't/won't meet these needs. All of "this" would be so much easier if I didn't care for her. She keeps telling me how much she wants me to be happy, wants me to spend part of each year in CT with her, will visit SF as often as she can.

I think this is asking a great deal of me.

I have been faithful, though I notice and flirt easily with women. W will point out attractive women to me in just about any locations - beaches, restaurants, libraries, walking down a city street.

W was very cute in '84, 5' tall, 95 pound former modern dancer with long, dark hair, she had a very active life in HS and college, a couple of multi year relationships, never married, no kids. She was 32 when I met her, she had a dry run with guys of perhaps 5 years, unemployed for the last year, and looking for her white knight. When I showed up she decided I was the knight. I never wanted the title.

I can't make her understand that carving notches on the bed frame is not my goal, any more than sex with 2, 5, 10, 20 or more different women is, I want love & companionship, one woman at a time, I don't want to be #5 or #6 on a lover's lists of interest. If all I wanted was sex (certainly very high on my list), searching craigslist or googling CT escort provides more young, beautiful, available women for less than the cost of two good dinners with wine and without the risk of rejection.

In her job as a community social worker W is heavily involved with volunteers and local community organizations, she loves the adulation she gets when speaking publicly (she is a good speaker).

Late Saturday evening she looked at help wanted advts for a SF organization she admires and started telling me about a perfect slot. Then she says in essence "my parents won't last all that long, I love you, I really like SF, after they no longer need me I want to live in SF with you".

For some reason this makes me feel like a bit of a vulture.

I think you are right about divorce, though after yesterday when W asked me to table D until I get back from SF, I will. My last 3 weeks in SF will be single, plentyoffish will see a lot of me, I've already impressed with its M/F matching skills, see a lot of women I'd like to meet.

A big aside - I picked up a copy of "The Male Brain" by Louann Brizendine, MD. I think more than one reader will want to read it, especially if condensed. Interesting and accurate in some ways, but a bit too simplistic, stereotyping, focusing on guys who definitely aren't me. I remember being on the playground in 2nd grade, wondering why every other boy was running around, shouting, rough housing, concluding they are a different species than me. I think it might have something to do with having been the brightest kid in class, the shortest male, and the youngest by far. A pity my athletic skills never matched my ability to do math, science and history.

I sometimes think that W was exposed to a bit of testosterone in the womb, her period was never regular, she still has a modern dancer's breasts - at 58 doesn't need a bra, until menopause, still had a dancer's hips and belly, now she is rounding more in her belly than hips.

Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
Your initial question is whether it's possible to be loved too much. Are you thinking she loves you too much, or vice versa? Because I'm going to be really honest here.

To me, the mere thought of my boyfriend with another woman is enough to make me feel like I'm dying. I cannot stand the thought, much less could I stand the reality of it. I would never, ever tell him to be with someone else, with or without my presence. I know there are couples who do it, and it works for them, and that's great...for them.

I have to think, especially at your ages (not trying to be mean, but you are not a young couple that could still be experimenting), that if she's telling you to find other women, she's really probably not all that emotionally invested in you and your relationship any longer. Unless this is something you two have done in the past (and I don't recall seeing you saying that anywhere), this is something new, and after 20-something years of being faithful to each other, and never bringing other people into things, it's hard to believe she would suddenly be ok with changing that dynamic if she were still in love with you.

That's not to say she doesn't love you. She probably does, in that "I spent years with you, and I don't hate you" kind of way. But her ability to be willing to share you with other women, asking only that you be discreet and change the sheets before she gets there doesn't sound like "I'm madly in love with you and want to keep you in my life." I could be wrong though.

I think your best bet is to simply follow through on your plan to divorce and stop trying to figure out her moods, feelings, and thoughts. Remain friends after the divorce, if you're able to, and move on to find some real happiness in a relationship that truly fulfills you.

Good luck, Mark!
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