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A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.

34K views 55 replies 30 participants last post by  UpsideDownWorld11 
#1 ·
Guys, there is a decidedly odious notion held by women that
we as men aren't emotional. I call bulls**t on that. After 10
years together, my wife decided to cheat on me for an entire
year. Sometimes she'd even f**k him in my own bed while
I was at work. My own bed!!

Now, I've moved on from being angry with her. She's still
my wife, and I still love her with every fiber of my being.
I don't trust her for sh*t, but I do love her. I found out
about her affair just last Friday, and we are getting a
divorce.

The hell of it is, I don't want the divorce. She says she
loves me, but needs to live on her own for a bit. I guess
the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with
the rage?

I'm okay with her living on her own. I've forgiven her for the
affair, as my behavior toward her often left her feeling lonely.
I never hurt or cheated on her, but I wasn't always as warm
and loving as I needed to be. She knew I loved her, but I
guess I didn't show it well enough.

So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
through this, how do you quell the anger? :mad:
 
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#36 ·
So sorry you are having to deal with this. SOme good advice here and some b!tching as well. Weed through it and find:

1) Dont go have revenge sex, it may be fun but if you truly still love her it will cause some inner conflict and why add to your already difficult emotions?

2) Decide if you want a divorce or not and then take your stance either way... you are not a "P" for wanting to stay married to the woman you love.

3) If you want to remain married you will need to focus on yourself in terms of changing the things that made your wife F some man other than you... and own your faults. If she was ok with you, she wouldnt do that... but if she was ok with herself, she wouldnt have either. The rest of the time (outside work) should be spent courting your wife as if you just fell in love with her... it is the only way to win back her affections, and her body into your bed. This is not to mean put on a P hat, just courting like getting her flowers and taking her to dinners and sending her love notes, kissing... some men make the mistake of taking on all the chores and basically letting the woman walk all over them. That is not what Im talking about. Just think what you would do if you just met and were crazy about her.... then do them.

4) Dont state any rules, we have to let go of the notion that we control our spouses... that may only lead to further resentment and having to court her longer.

Dont pay for her apartment if you do choose to divorce or even if you remain separated during this time... you have every right to set up that boundary. If you remain separated in space make it clear that means divorce. If she and you decide to work it out, she must move home, period. She doesnt get a free pass for an apartment to F somebody else on your tab... its all or none. But please remember to court her if you both decide on all, which I hope you do.
 
#37 ·
Sorry to hear you are going through this brother, been there done that. My wife had an EA/PA with a least two guys, the details of which are found in earlier threads of mine.

I am about a year on since I first filed for divorce and then reconciled. Still a work in progress with many bumps along the way.

That said, I can tell you that much of what Seeking Sanity said is spot on. It my seem counterintuitive, but trust me (us), groveling and making promises to change/etc only widen the chasm and turn her away.

With regards to how to deal with the anger, I found the following helpful:

1. Go to the gym...a lot. Commit to get in the best shape of your life. Not only will your wife notice, but so will others around you (women) . I was already a gym regular, but I took it up a notch as I did also w/my martial arts training - a great release for stress that comes with the added benefit of being good for you.

2. Go out w/friends. I found this to be an awesome distraction, especially when out w/people who didn't know about the problems at home. This annoyed my wife beyond belief, as she saw me resigned to the fact the marriage was over and yet I was out having fun...it never failed that she would call to check in on me at which point hilarity ensued because I seldom would answer the phone.

3. Did I mention going to the gym?

4. Confronting TOM (the other man). Many schools of thought on this, but I can say for me, putting the fear of the good Lord above in these guys was extremely therapeutic. Understand that I only did so months later and had already filed for divorce - it was something, as a man, I just had to do for closure (note: both of these offenders were married and were considered "friends"). Afterward, while almost feeling sorry for them, an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. Nothing wrong IMHO w/going "old school". Approach w/caution.

5. Revisit old hobbies or pick up new ones. Do things you enjoy and do them often.

6. Read. Some of the infidelity/self-help stuff is a good place to start.

7. Counseling. While often draining, it is healthy to vent and bounce things off a professional. Shop for therapist/counselor as you would for anything else (word of mouth, references, etc).

8. Focus on your kids (if applicable). Honestly, but for my kids I would have followed through with the divorce. They were and are my anchor and remain a great mechanism for reducing my anger and making me smile.

Understand, I am not "anger-free" even after the passage of considerable time (year+), as I occasionally think about what my wife did...but I don't let it eat me up nor do I dwell on it...acknowledge it and move on. Know that things in the marriage, if you reconcile, will never me the same as she violated your trust and engaged in adulterous behavior, but know that you can fix this if you BOTH commit to doing so.

Best of luck!

CC
 
#40 ·
PA Cheating as I explained had many different situations. One of them, women don't want to leave family, not because they love to live in a cheating life. Most situations, it's because of kids so they can't leave, not because of you they can't leave. It's because other issues that they concern, not allowing her to JUST leave.
When she's sure everything is taken cared and kids are arranged properly. She would leave.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#42 ·
Didn't read the responses.

My answer is: You don't.

You allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, rage, despair, etc. As you're going through it, think things through. Why is it making you angry, why is it making you sad. Allow yourself to feel the emotions.

Understand that it's completely normal AND NECESSARY to go through all of it to heal. For the first few days you will be a wreck (like a little baby). Expect to be an emotional cripple for a while.

Once that passes, you find something that gets you through the day (new hobby, sports, exercise, whatever). Then every day you get a little better until you start feeling somewhat normal again.

Just understand that if you try to "stop feeling angry" or "stop feeling depressed", you'll just delay your healing longer and longer. Better to confront those emotions head on, explore why they are making you feel that way, and accept them.
 
#48 ·
Men, by forgiving an PA you are saying that your boundries are weak. Dump and make them pay for their decision and the risk they exposed you to.
 
#49 ·
It’s not so black and white. It’s a nasty range of emotions. I don’t see I poor boundaries for accepting my wife had PA’s. I do feel shame, embarrassment, emasculation, weak and pathetic for taking her back. I also feel noble, strong, confident, and proud that I can fight through this trauma and keep the family together; Something I care a lot about. I used to flop from one extreme to the other... Now I just accept all these emotions as ‘normal’ as I look at how I feel about myself. They don’t go away... they are just always there now. I breathe in, I breathe out... I didn’t want this life, it is what I have though.

I have fantasized that dumping her would make it so much easier. Then I could just pick the black/white scenario of “she’s bad, I’m good” and then just focus on rebuilding my life. Yet I know I’d still have the other extremes... I let the family dissolve instead of fighting for it. So instead of feeling like crap because I stayed, I’d feel it for just throwing in the towel and still have to work at forgiving myself for my own choices.

Basically there isn’t a ‘win’ here for the BH in how he sees himself. I just do what I can to seek out my happy moments and hold on. A WW can help though; Give to him a lot of positive things to replace all the negative he now feels. He should feel he ‘won’ something great for going through all this. Help build him up again so he isn’t embarrassed to be with you. Be the best you and something he can find pride in again.
 
#50 ·
Racer, what's black and white about it is that marriage, even after infidelity, requires two people that want to be in the marriage.

When a cheater is stating by actions and/or words they don't want to work at meeting their spouse's needs (even if they are still hanging around), there is no grey area, the marriage is dead.

Also if a betrayed spouse doesn't want to work at meeting their cheating partner's needs any more, there is also no grey area, the marriage is dead.

the only grey area is how long each needs to deliberate over their choice.
 
#51 ·
Racer, what's black and white about it is that marriage, even after infidelity, requires two people that want to be in the marriage.
Meh, its true.. This is a foundation of marriage. Just keep in mind that “wanting to be married to them” does not equal “fidelity”. Many here can attest to that. They are separate issues. My wife wants to be married to me, does not want to be divorced. I want to be married to her. See... both of us want to be in that marriage.

She also wanted to date other men; it was fun and exciting. Knowing I wouldn’t want this (nor would she want that from me), she keeps it quiet. She wants to be married to me after all and knows this may jeopardize her getting what she wants....
 
#55 ·
I worked out extensively and went to therapy. I specifically talked to my therapist about the rage I was experiencing, and he advised me to talk to other men about how they deal with anger. I got a wide variety of responses, and they helped me identify what seemed "right" and "wrong" for me.

I divorced my XWW immediately upon finding out. Wasn't interested in R of any kind. I put up with a lot of **** in that marriage and her cheating was the absolute final straw that broke the camel's back.

Getting a new, much hotter lady to have sex with also helped big time.
 
#56 ·
So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
through this, how do you quell the anger? :mad:
You get a gym membership, you lift, you listen to evil angry **** and lift some more. Then you finally just get over it. Takes awhile but the IDGAF sets in and you go on with your life. Eventually, you'll meet a worthy woman and make a better life for yourself and she will just be an unpleasant afterthought.
 
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