I'm wrecked and I know keeping this stuff in my head is not going to help me. I started seeing a therapist...need to go again but it is expensive. For now, I'm counting on you. In therapy, I learn that my feelings are feelings and I'm not supposed to judge them. I ask that you do the same, I am just seeking experienced solutions from you because I am WRECKED right now. Current Problem
I am not having one emotional affair. I am having one million emotional affairs. And they are all in my head, I think. I haven't ventured to find out if they are reciprocal because I do not want to cheat on my husband. I have only been married 2.5 years and I fear that my ridiculously nice husband is the wrong guy for me. Our s-e-* life is terrible. It has been terrible since about 6 months after we started dating. We went to a se* therapist one time before we got married, but because we are youngish (29)...our finances were not in order at that time. In truth, we didn't make it a priority and didn't go anymore. I am at an awful point of not wanting him to touch me, I get ill thinking about him that way, and feel massive amounts of shame for it because he is a WONDERFUL guy. In fact, I married him because he is "marriage material" and completely different than my father. See below. The rub is that I want to sleep with every other guy in this planet that gives me attention. Every other guy. 23. 40. 30. Don't care. I don't and I am temporarily wise enough NOT to tell them that I am unsatisfied with my marriage because I'm not unattractive, I know how to manipulate if I'm being unhealthy, and don't want to find out if I have the strength to turn someone down. But the operative word is yet. If I keep this crap up, it's going to happen when I'm weak. The thoughts that come to mind FREQUENTLY are: I do not want to have kids with my husband. Although he would be a wonderful father, I am not in anyway in love with him
, I just love him as a person. (ah yes, the famous words). I do not want to be in a loveless marriage and I am suffocating and have been for a long time. Can I remember when this started? No. Again, just sharing my feelings, as brutal as they are, I think he has no backbone, is unattractive to me, and I don't want children I don't even have yet to get bad genes-shallow. Totally selfish and obscene, I know. He's smart, so I'm being totally shallow there. Other feelings about him I have are that he is childish, immature (even though he makes responsible decisions), and I view his interests as childish. I'm sure it's not fair, but it's where I am at. I'm just ready to walk and give him everything, except the dog. I hear my mommyclock ticking and want to quickly run and find the right guy to have children with. I obviously cannot tell him any of this because it is cold-blooded and I never ever ever want to cause this wonderful man pain. Which is also why I am still here. But perhaps I am too messed up for him anyway and he could be better off without me. Either way, I understand I am selfish and have a boatload of shame about all of this. Yes, I see the irony in the fact that I want to breed, even though I am messed up about this. Potential Catalysts
- I found ridiculous amounts of porn on my husband's computer early in our relationship. At a time when we were living together but unmarried, after finding it several times after us agreeing it was not a healthy amount of porn and him agreeing as an addict to abstain-I was ready to leave him. I was completely hurt because he was a wonderful person in every aspect except for this, but that was a complete dealbreaker. I am not Christian or any other religion for that matter...just spiritual and trust me when I tell you that the amount of his looking at 15-16 year old girl porn was unhealthy. I don't think porn is unhealthy for everyone, but it is for him as a fellow addict and he should abstain. After speaking with a lot of people and him agreeing to see a therapist and attend SA, I stayed. Our S life has been awful ever since. Perhaps I cannot get over it. I truly believe he has stopped. Part of me hopes he will go back so I have an excuse to leave. Weak, I know.
- My husband is gone all the time, as am I. We rarely see each other. He is full time working on his PhD, I am working on my Master's and working 1 job + additional work on the side. He works hard at his career for the future, but I am supporting us financially. However, his parents have a lot of $ and support us, which I have a love/hate for. They are very nice people, I do fear big time that if we had children they would control us with their money...as we are both too weak to say "no". I would love for anything in the world for my husband to be able to assist more substantially to family income (he gets a small stipend) so we could eliminate parental support.
- At one point, we were about to bite our financial situation and begin having children before I got too old. My parents were very old when they had me and I do not want to repeat. I quit my birth control. Wake up libido.....for everyone BUT my husband that is. I refuse to go back on just to fix a marriage. Selfish, perhaps, but I don't deserve to be a zombie and just take it.
- I started working out a lot and my hormone levels changed a lot even more. My testosterone levels are out-of-control. On top of it, I am almost 30. He does not work out, and will not. I am resentful at this.
- He does everything in the whole world for me. He's a wimp. I thought it was awesome at first and now I am ungrateful. But really, he has zero backbone. He never fights with me. I am a high achiever, but I am messy and although he doesn't clean-he does not contribute to the mess. I cook, as he will not. Another sore spot. He does not care about health at all, and I do NOT want to have children with someone who will feed our kids crappy foods, as I believe they are the source of several health problems today. He cares nothing for this passion and will not change. This is VERY important to me.
Seemingly Relevant Emotional Background Factors
- I feel like I wear the pants and fear deeply that I will turn into my jerk of a father. I feel as though he doesn't make his own decisions and it drives me crazy.
As a teenager, my Modus Operandi was to date for 2 weeks, get bored, and move on. I was addicted to infatuations. I cleaned up 7 years ago from several drugs and alcohol addiction. If you don't know what that means, it means I have problems with relationships. Yes, a problem with drugs/alcohol, but underneath all of it is a problem with relationships...and us addicts/alcoholics are generally selfish creatures. Nonetheless, after reading several
of these threads, these problems are not uncommon to all walks of life. My parents are recovering addicts and much older than me, 2 generations, in fact. My father loved me to death and never physically abused me but he's a grade a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk to both my mother and I. My mother is a codependent doormat who cannot drive and does not work. They have an awful relationship as I perceive it and did not sleep in the same bed as long as I can remember. In fact, when I was a teenager my mother explained to me that s-e-* was painful and I truly believe it is for her. That's how gratifying that part of her life was. Not sure if I can say that word on here so I wrote it like that. I don't think they should be married. I fear so much that I have settled and that my future is to be like theirs-a loveless, se*less marriage. No thanks.
Why haven't I walked away yet? Statistics, shame, I love him as a person, he is a GOOD guy, he would never cheat on me, and I know that I cannot trust my head with emotional matters. Thank you for letting me get all of that out. My stomach is constantly in knots, and yes, I am making another appointment with my counselor...I have only been to one. I am sharing all of my "fantasies" with my close girlfriends and staying accountable. But I cannot avoid the world. I thought if I avoided one-on-ones I would be okay, but this last weekend a guy was paying attention to me in front of several people but no one was noticing. He was too *young* (23) to even know to look for a ring, and I certainly didn't randomly come out with it. Again, most of it is in my head, so there was nothing to "respond" to. And I enjoyed the attention and flattery, so I was not going to stop it.
Solutions/experience welcome. I can take that I have a lot to do with this mess if I do...but please don't judge me or call me abusive names. That's not constructive.