| | Re: What is enough?
Many of us are in the same boat.
For years my libido was 180 degrees different from my wife's. It caused the same frustration and resentment that you have.
She used the same reasoning as your wife. In reality it is probably both our fault. I don't communicate as much as she wants, she doesn't have sex with me as much as I want. We both became resentful, hurt and that just exasperated the situation.
A few weeks ago I came to the realization that she will NEVER fulfill my sexual needs. She never has and why should I think anything is going to change now that we are in our mid 50's? She is just not a sexual person, never has been and never will be.
So I stopped expecting sex. Not expecting it, not asking for it, not begging for it, not looking for it, not planning for it.
We've had sex once in the past two months. Friday night she mentioned that maybe we'd have sex Saturday afternoon (she doesn't like sex in the morning or night so that pretty much limits us to weekend). I said to her "We'll see. I have a lot to do and tomorrow is going to be one of the last good riding days so I'll be out on my motorcycle for a couple of hours." I didn't say this in spite. It was what I had planned all week.
She was sort of stunned. But I knew that if I had planned on having sex, if I expected it, I would be disappointed, so I didn't.
Saturday afternoon came and went. I was busy, got a lot done around the house, took my ride and the day was done. My wife hinted that maybe Sunday afternoon was going to be the day. I was busy working around the house all day Sunday and nothing happened.
By the way, this isn't one sided. Since she limits sex to the weekends, I used to get my hopes up and she would hint that we would have sex that weekend. Then she would want to go shopping, go to the movies, go out to eat and before you know it, the day would be gone, and so wouldn't the prospect of sex.
Monday morning came and rather than being frustrated that another weekend had gone by without sex, I was OK with it. I had limited my expectations and those limited expectations were met.
But here's the problem. I have always told my wife that sex is important in our marriage. If there isn't a sexual component, it will be hard to maintain the marriage. I have made this clear. And without sex, the non-sexual intimacy that she likes won't be there. Too many times have we engaged in that kind of intimacy that leaves me frustrated because i have no sexual outlet.
I will try not to let the resentment build up but it may. It's only natural. It's hard not to when you have told the person you love what is needed in a relationship and it isn't there.