Wanted to thank everyone for all the encouraging and lovely comments, i'm really grateful for the support on here....also thank you for encouraging comments about 30 not being to young to have a family in the future.....that is one of my major fears if I think ahead too far.....
its just all the constant heartache that wears you down, the constant hole inside and feeling empty......he confirmed today that he is moving out of the house this weekend to his new flat, he told me the area where he is going but not the address - i didn't ask.....i don't think it would be fair, i know he wants time alone to think so didn't think i should push that, anyway, it's not like i'd be welcome to pop round.
He re-iterated lots of points about me that has led him to wanting to separate/divorce and it really upset me....mainly it is about how i tried to control him too much, he felt suffocated, I didn't value him and put my own needs over his own acting selfishly. He said he offered his life to me when we got married but I ruined it with my controlling behaviour......that was so heartbreaking to hear.....I truly never intentionally wanted to hurt him or the marriage....I honestly just wanted to do the right thing for both of us....it must be i wasn't listening to him enough......
we had difficult times when he was unemployed and I thought supported him through those, I helped him out with practical stuff and tried to encourage him... but maybe it wasn't enough, he distanced himself and had an affair which hurt like nothing, I forgave him, but I don't know if he regreted it.....he admits after that he gave up on the marriage, I spent the last 2 years trying to make things right and not getting any warmth back......he told me later that he made a decision that he 'wasn't going to bother' that was very tough cos deep in my heart I knew he didn't love me anymore and was not 'in' the marriage, but I tried and tried cos I love him and I thought if I was just a better wife and looked at the points he made he would love me back.
I'm so sad that he feels that I ruined the marriage early on.....I feel so bad that this is how he feels cos I couldnt see that that is what I was doing....I didn't mean to hurt him, how could it have happened without me meaning it?...I think I have to learn a lot from this, otherwise the same could happen to me in the future and I would never ever want to go through this pain again
For now I am going to keep trying to follow the suggestions about doing things that work on improving me instead and small things that make me happy for a while,seeing friends etc. Then I will face the hurdle of his stuff disappearing from the house this weekend.....good luck to everyone else too who is struggling at the moment....
