Originally Posted by r2d210
Thank you all for the help. I do have so much to tell you! I immediately read "No more Mr. Nice Guy", twice! I read "Hold on to your N.U.T.S" (once) and I now have a "better" understanding of who I am, and how I got to be a "nice guy". With your help on this forum, I understand that I have been going about my marriage with the wrong motive and course of action. For me, sex has been the highest and most important form of validation. Therefore, I have often spent most of my time operating with covert contracts, manipulation and trying to please my wife, so she would see me as a good guy and want to have sex with me. As that has continually failed, my solution has been to try harder.
As I have made changes to a more healthy me, my wife has actually embraced the changes. I have had a few instances where it has been difficult to know how to deal with her, but with more help from people on this forum, I have successfully marked my territory and I have to admit....I am happier now then I have been since dating my wife...almost 21 years ago!
Over the last two weeks, I have separated myself, stood up for myself and I have been the head of my household. It feels really good. I had a talk with my wife last night.....over an incident that took place on Sunday. I told her exactly how I felt and I did not try to justify my feelings. She was receptive and understood where I was coming from. She told me she supported me 100% in the changes I have made.
For a very long time, she has carried the burden of being the Man of our house. I have been too busy trying to figure out how and when I was going to get sex! As she has seen me change, her attention to me has also changed. I can't say she has desired me more, necessarily, but I think she has sensed that I am no longer living in fear of her leaving me.....maybe, more that she is in fear of me leaving her.
I still don't know exactly how to respond to her all the time, but I have began to set clear boundaries....and she has responded well to me. I view this as a marathon and not so much a sprint. I did speak to her about the dishwasher incident. All I did was say..."the other morning, when you belittled me about the dishwasher...., she interrupted to say....."that was not very nice, was it?" I very calmly and firmly told her I was not her son, and she was never to speak to me that way again. She apologized and that was all that was said. She has started to say things since....but she has stopped short. She has come to me with decision making questions, and I will admit....I have also failed a few fitness tests. I am learning...and I'm so happy to have found you all for so many reasons. This experience was like turning on the light for me! I knew there had to be something wrong....but I was afraid. I took every one of your comments and I created a word document for future reference. I don't know how many times I have re-read what you have said to me. I love my wife, and I will fight for her, but I'm done being ran over.
I'm sure I will continue to update this thread.....and I welcome any of your comments! Thanks again so much!