This turned into a major novel!!! I'm sorry for such long long read!
On my way to work I was informed of many perceptions and comments that family has made about me, H and our DD. I thought the weekend went much better than expected, however, behind my (our) backs...I now feel differently.
Quick recap, living in same city is my mom and grandmother. Brother, SIL, and Nephew live out of state, and I have an Aunt that lives in another City, approx. 2 hours away. My H has no family close. His son lives 3 hrs away, mom in another state along with sister. Has one sister here but they were practically enemies growing up. Once his dad passed, things did change a bit, yet even though she lives in same City, it might was well be out of state as much as they see or talk to one another.
Thanksgiving....for most it's the time of beign thankful for what we have, for family and friends. Over the last year, both H and I have confided in my mom of our personal problems tribulations. She says she sees and understands BOTH sides. She tries hard to not take sides, however, at times I know she does. She is very concerned for my wellbeign, my health as I've gone into a state of major depression/anxiety. For first time ever, I was scared of possibly having a heart attack when it was anxiety.
Anyhow...brother and SIL have been going to counseling for over year now for there own mariatal issues. Brother is on medicaiton which he faught tooth and nail. Now...he said he wishes would have done years ago. He tells me a lot of his anger issues, depressions, views on life he has learned stem from our growing up. Our parents. Sounds harsh and not what I like to hear...but do understand a bit. They too are familiar with H and I. Our issues/struggles.
We spent several days over at moms with them, out to dinner, etc. H was very quiet, not himself...like distant. For me, this is common. He has never liked holidays since over last 18yrs I've known him. His family is not close/tight knit like mine that I'm use to. We celebrate with gifts every birthday and Christmas for Adults is no different than for kids. My mom, aunt and granny still buy for every adult, we even still to this day get stockings! Just how my family is eversince I've been able to remember. H hates it. Says everyone needs to keep there own money. Why spend money on each other all we are doing is exchaning money. Everyone keep there money and just enjoy one another. He puts monitary value on it. My family does it because they choose to, it's what they enjoy and makes them feel good.
Sorry to get off track...Thanksgiving dinner was nice, went well. I cooked 1st ever turkey on my own. Kinda proud it was rather tasty.
On Friday, H spent day out of town to visit a friend for some work he is doing for him. Later in evening we met at my moms for pizza with family. He didn't talk much, very quiet and left about an hour 1/2 after. Said tired, wanted to listen to a H.S. playoff game on way home (about 1/2 hr drive). I stayed behind so my DD could enjoy family that she see's maybe once every 6 months. Go home, H is fine, seems fine anyway. Weekend goes by, out of town family leaves.
I find out this morning, my brother and SIL say they see us affecting our daughter. That our daughter looks at her dad in fear before she does anything like she is going to get into trouble. She complained of belly ach yet when dessert was served, her belly ach dissappeared. I commented funny it how it goes away when there's food you like. A natural for any 6yr old
Well, guess SIL sees that as she is physically sick over H and I in how we are now with one another.
I'm sad by this as I feel by my confiding in them, has now given or allowed them to see deeper, maybe even over reacting to what they see? H and I NEVER argue in front of her, we have never discussed our problems around her. Infact, he told me he can't stand how I can 'turn it up and be happy' infront of her or other's for that matter. IF we are in a time of where we are upset with one another, typically we talk to her only and ignore one another or we are in different places of the house so we won't make a scene or slip up infront of her. With the comments now being told to me, also came out that if we do not make this marriage work, my daughter is going to feel she is to blame. That is what my family state the 'seen' this weekend.
Am I blind to this being I'm her mom? Honestly, she is a happy kid with us. She does wonderful in school...she plays, we play with her when we can, I take her with me every where I go practically, and H does at times. In fact, when H and I are affectionate, she actually hates it. She always wants in middle. H use to call her "CB" (****block). Well, now I mentally do that on my own. She is like her momma however, very emotional and takes things very personal. This year we've noticed in trying to help her with school work, if she doesn't get right first time and we or teacher try to help her she gets very defensives to almost or actually in tears. My family says that's her 'reaction' to what she see's with mom and dad. But again, we do not argue, fight, or discuss our emtoions and feelings around her. Never have.
I'm at such a loss and I'm deeply heartbroken that my daughter is viewed as affected. I did make statement to my mom...IF this is truly her reactions to me and H, then how can anyone feel that is fair to her for us to continue this sharad? We (I) obviously am not ready to quit or I would think I could have said so and dwelt with my DD along the way. I do belive she deserves a happy mommy. One who smiles more, is more active and wants to be the busy happy mom she deserves. H is content being a home body. Content and complete by just the 3 of us and no one or nothing else to intervene. He hates I want outside friendships. Never had them before, don't need them now. He states if I cannot say "he and DD " complete me like he does, then I have problem. Well, I guess I do as I cant say it any longer. We were connected at hip when we met, me 22, he 33. I worshiped him, praised him, put him on pedestal as he has put it, and now, over last couple that has stopped. I have lived and done what I expected others wanted to see in me. What I felt made others around me happy and content. Even counseling said I never worry about me, myself. Never have. I always wanted to make sure everyone liked me. So I conformed to what others around me liked or that I thought liked to like me.
I'm sorry I'm all over the place here. Obviously I'm struggling more than realized. And all over the comments said to me. I never wanted to be here, in this place, in this emotional state. I never thougth I'd fathem even the thought of being a divorcee. The failure, the bad guy, the one to ruin lives, 2 to be exact now. I regret and hate not reallizing the signs 7 yrs ago before DD was born. I don't want to ruin her life as it has now been portrayed to me. Yet, I feel if I continue, she will see her mom in a complete nervous breakdown. And then, I could lose her for life. For being whacked crazy nut job! That's how I feel right now. At times I wish I could increase med to be a zombie so I don't have to think or care. Just float through the motions emotionless. So sorry to unload everyone. I just needed to before I seriously crack today.