Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Just Leave! Why is divorce portrayed as so simple?

Emerson · 10-15-2008, 01:47 PM

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In your current relationship with your spouse - How much :

1. certainty do you get?

8 - I could answer 10 if it were only "house over their heads, the food they eat, the job they have". Factoring in "love from a spouse" brings my response down. I know he does love me; it's just not that apparent. Most of the time when he tells me it just seems more like a word to say, like 'good bye'.

2. variety do you get?

3 - It's pretty dull. In 9 years of knowing him, I have only received flowers once, one rose on our first date. If we have a "date", I'm the one that plans it. I've talked to him about this a number of times and he says, "I know" and that's all the farther it goes. Variety comes from what our children do mostly.

3. significance do you feel?

Lowered to 5 - He doesn't make me feel significant but he doesn't make me feel insignificant either.

Written in last post:- Compliments are nearly non-existent. I never hear that I look good today, etc. One day I asked him if he likes my hair. I thought this would be an easy one for him since I get a lot of compliments from other people on my long, wavy hair and I think it's pretty too. His response when I said "Do you like my hair? Not just right now, but in general?" He said, "As compared to what?" Talk about trying to feed him a chance for a compliment and he just swats it right out of my hand!! Given all of that, I still responded highly because while he doesn't compliment or put me on a pedestal in any way whatsoever, he doesn't belittle or criticize me ever either. Even when I know I need to lose weight (and I'm working on it and seeing progress) he has never said anything to me about being overweight. Once in a while he will even say, "okay, you are pretty smart" when I find solutions to everyday problems (not the relationship kind!).

4. love and connection do you have with your spouse?

Lowered to 3 - From your last explanation it sounds like I should be think of a "Intimate and passionate love connection"). Well, this is nearly non-existent except during those intimate moments. He is never flirtatious even when I am trying to be. In this area, we are just dull, dull, dull... I've talked to him about my need/desire for more romance and he told me "being romantic is not in my nature".

Written in last post - I feel a strong friendship connection. I enjoy being around him; he does things to make the kids laugh and usually makes me laugh more. We have similar interests. I feel like if we were confronted with a difficult situation, he'd be there to hold me. I don't feel much of a passionate connection. He doesn't like to do any kind of public affection like putting his arm around me or holding my hand. Lately, one of our children was with him in his vehicle and I met him to get her. We were in a parking lot near some busy streets in the small town where we live. While I gave him a short kiss I saw him looking around to see if anyone was looking. I just said "who cares if someone sees you giving your wife a kiss!".

5. growth do you have in this relationship?

4 - I don't feel like our relationship is growing. I feel like we are in the parental stage of our marriage. When I've asked for more affection and "loving deeds" he says that he wants are children to feel loved and so all his affection goes to them and there's just not that much left over. I am glad that he is so loving with our children. I too want them to know everyday that their mom and dad love them. I'd just like a few minutes of his affection too. I'm very happy that he's a very involved Dad.

6. "How much do you contribute to the growth of your spouse in being a better husband?" This question focuses beyond yourself in what you get, and more on what you can give. When you feel like you're contributing, it helps you feel like you're making a difference and feel more alive.

6 - I really try to make communication available and try to be open to what he has to say without getting upset. I am not someone who can keep things bottled up so I usually have to talk about it with him if something in our relationship is bothering me. I have told him what I would like; I've shared with him how I would like a marriage to be/make me feel. I have asked him what things about our marriage are not great for him. He said that prior to the last 6 months or so, the infrequency of lovemaking was a problem. I must have gone through some kind of hormonal change, because now I can't seem to get "satisfied' and he is now complaining that my requests are too often!

He also would like more dates. Other than that, he said everything was fine for him. For Father's Day, I bought him a set of golf clubs (and myself one) so that we could take time off work and have golf dates. I thought this would be fun and the kids are already in daycare so we don't need to find a babysitter. We did it once and it was fun. We do go out for a meal every once in awhile, but it's always me lining everything up. I guess I feel like I'm just always putting pennies into the jar and none are ever coming back to me (if you know what I mean). In the past month, I've started sending in little text messages occasionally which he says he enjoys. He sent me (us) one when I was away for the weekend with the kids. I plan to do something for him this weekend that he's thought of doing himself for years but just never has done it. It's nothing major, just a little helpful act. I was going to include a note with it like "love you!".

I do feel like I try. I firmly believe that you should treat others how you want to be treated. Unfortunately, even though I've told him as blatantly as possible (without leaving a list of nice things he could do for me)-- he just doesn't seem to get it!

I'm ready to ask him if he wouldn't mind seeing a counselor because I feel like I keep saying the same things over again and he does nothing. While at the same time, I have TOM who will do almost anything for me and just keeps filling my jar up with pennies...

With what score am I least comfortable?

The love and connection (intimate/passionate love connection) score. To me, the intimate/passionate love connection is what should set spouses apart from any other kind of relationship you have in your world. Is it naive to think that after your married you should still try to treat each other as if your still trying to 'catch' them????

What are some things that you absolutely love about your husband?

He makes me laugh
He is a fantastic Dad
He is -plain and simple- a nice guy
We have similar interests/likes
Have similar views of most things (We NEVER argue)
He reads a lot so he's very knowledgable about a lot of topics
He enjoys shopping (I'm not much of a shopper, but when I have to go, it's nice that he's patient)
He rarely gets upset.
He doesn't talk negatively about people.
He sees me as an 'equal' in our marriage, not like he's the husband and therefore, the head of this household!!!
I think he looks good.
He will do a lot of things most men probable wouldn't (doesn't mind carrying my purse, will offer to stay and help when I'm hosting a lady's party, wants to take the kids to the dentist or first day of school so that he can experience it too)

10-15-2008, 01:47 PM	#23 (permalink)
Emerson Registered User Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 25	Re: Just Leave! Why is divorce portrayed as so simple? [ In your current relationship with your spouse - How much : 1. certainty do you get? 8 - I could answer 10 if it were only "house over their heads, the food they eat, the job they have". Factoring in "love from a spouse" brings my response down. I know he does love me; it's just not that apparent. Most of the time when he tells me it just seems more like a word to say, like 'good bye'. 2. variety do you get? 3 - It's pretty dull. In 9 years of knowing him, I have only received flowers once, one rose on our first date. If we have a "date", I'm the one that plans it. I've talked to him about this a number of times and he says, "I know" and that's all the farther it goes. Variety comes from what our children do mostly. 3. significance do you feel? Lowered to 5 - He doesn't make me feel significant but he doesn't make me feel insignificant either. Written in last post:- Compliments are nearly non-existent. I never hear that I look good today, etc. One day I asked him if he likes my hair. I thought this would be an easy one for him since I get a lot of compliments from other people on my long, wavy hair and I think it's pretty too. His response when I said "Do you like my hair? Not just right now, but in general?" He said, "As compared to what?" Talk about trying to feed him a chance for a compliment and he just swats it right out of my hand!! Given all of that, I still responded highly because while he doesn't compliment or put me on a pedestal in any way whatsoever, he doesn't belittle or criticize me ever either. Even when I know I need to lose weight (and I'm working on it and seeing progress) he has never said anything to me about being overweight. Once in a while he will even say, "okay, you are pretty smart" when I find solutions to everyday problems (not the relationship kind!). 4. love and connection do you have with your spouse? Lowered to 3 - From your last explanation it sounds like I should be think of a "Intimate and passionate love connection"). Well, this is nearly non-existent except during those intimate moments. He is never flirtatious even when I am trying to be. In this area, we are just dull, dull, dull... I've talked to him about my need/desire for more romance and he told me "being romantic is not in my nature". Written in last post - I feel a strong friendship connection. I enjoy being around him; he does things to make the kids laugh and usually makes me laugh more. We have similar interests. I feel like if we were confronted with a difficult situation, he'd be there to hold me. I don't feel much of a passionate connection. He doesn't like to do any kind of public affection like putting his arm around me or holding my hand. Lately, one of our children was with him in his vehicle and I met him to get her. We were in a parking lot near some busy streets in the small town where we live. While I gave him a short kiss I saw him looking around to see if anyone was looking. I just said "who cares if someone sees you giving your wife a kiss!". 5. growth do you have in this relationship? 4 - I don't feel like our relationship is growing. I feel like we are in the parental stage of our marriage. When I've asked for more affection and "loving deeds" he says that he wants are children to feel loved and so all his affection goes to them and there's just not that much left over. I am glad that he is so loving with our children. I too want them to know everyday that their mom and dad love them. I'd just like a few minutes of his affection too. I'm very happy that he's a very involved Dad. 6. "How much do you contribute to the growth of your spouse in being a better husband?" This question focuses beyond yourself in what you get, and more on what you can give. When you feel like you're contributing, it helps you feel like you're making a difference and feel more alive. 6 - I really try to make communication available and try to be open to what he has to say without getting upset. I am not someone who can keep things bottled up so I usually have to talk about it with him if something in our relationship is bothering me. I have told him what I would like; I've shared with him how I would like a marriage to be/make me feel. I have asked him what things about our marriage are not great for him. He said that prior to the last 6 months or so, the infrequency of lovemaking was a problem. I must have gone through some kind of hormonal change, because now I can't seem to get "satisfied' and he is now complaining that my requests are too often! He also would like more dates. Other than that, he said everything was fine for him. For Father's Day, I bought him a set of golf clubs (and myself one) so that we could take time off work and have golf dates. I thought this would be fun and the kids are already in daycare so we don't need to find a babysitter. We did it once and it was fun. We do go out for a meal every once in awhile, but it's always me lining everything up. I guess I feel like I'm just always putting pennies into the jar and none are ever coming back to me (if you know what I mean). In the past month, I've started sending in little text messages occasionally which he says he enjoys. He sent me (us) one when I was away for the weekend with the kids. I plan to do something for him this weekend that he's thought of doing himself for years but just never has done it. It's nothing major, just a little helpful act. I was going to include a note with it like "love you!". I do feel like I try. I firmly believe that you should treat others how you want to be treated. Unfortunately, even though I've told him as blatantly as possible (without leaving a list of nice things he could do for me)-- he just doesn't seem to get it! I'm ready to ask him if he wouldn't mind seeing a counselor because I feel like I keep saying the same things over again and he does nothing. While at the same time, I have TOM who will do almost anything for me and just keeps filling my jar up with pennies... With what score am I least comfortable? The love and connection (intimate/passionate love connection) score. To me, the intimate/passionate love connection is what should set spouses apart from any other kind of relationship you have in your world. Is it naive to think that after your married you should still try to treat each other as if your still trying to 'catch' them???? What are some things that you absolutely love about your husband? He makes me laugh He is a fantastic Dad He is -plain and simple- a nice guy We have similar interests/likes Have similar views of most things (We NEVER argue) He reads a lot so he's very knowledgable about a lot of topics He enjoys shopping (I'm not much of a shopper, but when I have to go, it's nice that he's patient) He rarely gets upset. He doesn't talk negatively about people. He sees me as an 'equal' in our marriage, not like he's the husband and therefore, the head of this household!!! I think he looks good. He will do a lot of things most men probable wouldn't (doesn't mind carrying my purse, will offer to stay and help when I'm hosting a lady's party, wants to take the kids to the dentist or first day of school so that he can experience it too)