Tell me if I'm wrong, but before I make suggestions I want to be sure I factually understand what has already happened and where you stand now. Okay?
First, you had an issue with porn. This contributed to the issues in the marriage, and you yourself admitted this and have addressed it consistently for many months if not years.
Second, your wife does not have "one man" she is having an affair with, but rather has signed up on several "dating services" as single (although you two are not divorced), flirts online and via texts with several people, and generally lives an overall unfaithful lifestyle (such as flirty Facebook or Myspace, etc. ) rather than a specific OM.
Third, you did disclose to your pastor, who has told you some wise council, but then failed to enforce Galatians 6:1 "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted" and Matthew 18:17 "...If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." [In other words I personally believe he should have spoken to the elders, and the elders should have spoken to her, and then if she would not end her unfaithfulness and be reconciled to her husband, they should have enforced church discipline.]
Fourth, you did expose to her mom and her cousin (the family that she has) and they have all committed adultery and cheated on each other, so they don't see what she has done as "wrong." Thus, you've exposed and in this instance the family is choosing to not support the marriage.
Fifth, you've done Carrot&Stick (aka "Plan A") and Consequences/No Contact (aka "Plan B") and this is where you basically are today--although your No Contact is not really
NO CONTACT because you see her at church and talk to her...and you still go to bowling league with her. To this point none of these steps has made an impact on her choices, but each of the steps has had an impact ON YOU. Thus, although the two of you are not recovering your marriage, you, as a person, absolutely have recovered and grown from the experience as a man and as a husband.
Are those the basic facts--where we stand today?
Please see this sticky post about my response to that question:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...isloyal-you-being-controlling.html#post238370 . I can not see any positive in doing more hacking and spying, other than to drive you nuts. You do know you are not being told the full truth, but this is already established as fact. Thus there is no need to prove that you're being lied to--you know that! If she were to choose to reconcile, of her own free will,
SHE would have to choose to stop lying, and
SHE would have to make the effort to demonstrate her honesty to you in word and in matching actions. So at this point it's on her. You know you are being lied to, you know she is not giving you 100% of her affection and loyalty, you have made the choice to be "open to" reconciliation if she were to be, and now
SHE has to make the choice to choose to reconcile and demonstrate her honesty. Otherwise you are safe to assume that you can not trust in her honesty. Period. No need for more hacking.
Do I send proof to more family members? I only told her mom and her cousin...
The idea of exposure is to shine the light of The Truth on the infidelity and to inform people who are likely to be affected by the divorce (so they are not told a pack of lies from the disloyal). Thus, if you have only told her mom and her cousin, you'll probably want to tell your own family (parents and siblings--if you have them) so that they can support you and in order to assure that they aren't told the disloyal version of "We're getting a divorce because I loved him but I could not stand his abuse any longer." You may also want to tell your own employer or student advisor if you're in school because it's pretty likely you'll have a few "bad days" or may need extra "time off" for court dates, and if they know, they'll probably be a bit more understanding.
HOWEVER, as far as exposure goes, I don't see how further exposure would be helpful at this point. She does not have a singular "OM" with whom she's committing adultery, so you don't have OMW or OM's parents to contact, and contacting everyone who responds to her singles ad is akin to stalking-type behavior. It would be vengeance to talk to her employer (if there is one) because it's not a work-affair or using company resources (thus again it would be closer to stalking). And her pastor already knows of her behavior and is not actively addressing her sin. Yes I said it: sin.
Do I expose to more people from church? I showed pastor but he simply says let God deal with her...
You know, this one is a little complicated, and I'll speak to you here invoking the right of speaking to a brother in Christ, not just as if I'm speaking to a non-christian or an anonymous person on a forum, okay? So note to self: this is said assuming that we both hold to a Christian worldview.
I absolutely do agree with "...let God deal with her" because to be honest, marksaysay, she is HIS and was only loaned to you from Him anyway. It is arrogance to think that God will not be in her life, dealing with her just because YOU are not in her life dealing with her. Further, we already have the promise of Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." So she is God's and HE is far more effective at accomplishing His work in her than you or I will ever be.
That being said, however, if someone at church were to ask you or speak to you about why you two aren't sitting together or coming at the same service, I would recommend speaking the truth to them, and naming it for what it is. Thus, if some nosy person asks you, "Marksaysay I notice you and your wife don't come to church together anymore. Are you two having trouble?" I would see no problem with answering honestly and fully: "I am sad to say that we are having trouble and I would very much ask that you'd pray for my wife and I, as she is being unfaithful to the marriage and broken her vow. Please pray for both of us and specifically that God would soften her heart and lead her back to honoring Him. For me, for strength to carry on... (or whatever prayer request you want to ask)."
I'll be honest and pretty blunt here. The fact that your pastor and the church is willing to turn a blind eye to adultery is not a good sign, marksaysay. I understand that a pastor does not want to hurt a parishioner or "take sides", and yet as the shepherd of the flock of your church, it is his (the pastor's) job to guide a person who is actively living in sin, and he would need to be trying to bring her back to right relation with God -- it's his responsibility. If your church is not willing to stand against adultery, I have to admit, I think I would suggest you begin looking for another church.
I would conclude with this one thought. I take it very personally and deeply that we, as Christians, are to be an example of love, joy and peace in this world. I am not suggesting that your pastor legalistically and judgmentally kick her out of the church. I am saying that as a pastor he has a duty to not turn a blind eye to sin, to work to restore her, if he has to...work with you so that ultimately the marriage can be reconciled, and if she absolutely hardens her heart and refuses to stop doing what she knows is wrong and has been told is wrong, then to discipline as the denomination allows/suggests. For example, I've heard of churches where the youth group leaders (a male and a female, married to other people) had an affair, everyone in the church KNEW they were having an affair, and they were not removed from being youth group leaders!!!
Why?
Because the pastor said they needed them for the youth group!!!
:banghead: Sorry but in my book, when THE CHURCH won't stand up to sin...time to look for a new church!
Anyway, as far as what do you do? If anything I would say to maybe look at our
Sample Consequences Letters and actually write her an official Consequences/No Contact Letter and officially enter a firmer "Plan B." This would entail not talking to her at church; no contact via email, phone, or text; and ending the bowling league. It would also give you one last chance to admit your side, and to let her know what she would need to do in order to repair the marriage. It would also possibly make it more clear that if she does divorce, she doesn't get the little "fixes" of seeing you and blaming you for her unhappiness, and that a divorce will "cost her." Honestly...that's the only thing I can see to do at this point. As far as mediation goes, I would tell the mediator right up front that you do not want a divorce, never have wanted one, and don't intend to now make a divorce easy and painless. Will you be confrontational and vengeful? NO! But will you just give in to her whims to make things go fast or smooth? No. I would recommend having an idea of what you believe is "fair" and the minimum you would accept, and then don't necessarily propose any of it. For example, why should you say, "I would be willing to give up X in exchange for Y" when she hasn't even put a list together of what she would or would not ask for? Let HER do all the work. Let HER go through the pain of having to divide everything and decide what she's willing to give up. And when she proposes that she wants everything and you get nothing, then you have written proof of her unwillingness to be realistic, and you can say, "Well you can see why I don't agree with this proposal. According to our state's laws she would at minimum have to assume this and that debt and give me A and B asset!" Anyway, does that make sense? You do need to know what is rightfully yours, but you don't need to necessarily propose it and/or make that easier or faster. LET her do the work (and she'll probably drag it out forever because it hurts).