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Could someone explain this "fog"

150K views 860 replies 70 participants last post by  lordmayhem 
#1 ·
I believe my wife is now in the "fog" that i've read about. Could someone please explain this to me? I've been hearing much of what every has been saying. "I have love for you, but I'm not in love with you." "I don't think I can love you anymore" All of this kind of stuff. She is currently not fixed in just one emotional affair, but she has actually been seeking the attention and exchanging explicit texts with several men. She says she wants to see whats out there, but I know in my heart that she loves me. She says she wants to see what else is out there and that it is not about sex or about a commitment. She wants to have fun, what our marriage has missed for so long. She says she's done what everyone else wanted her to do, now it's time that she does what she wants to do. She has even talked of divorce. I don't want the divorce. I believe that with time, this can pass. I just want more information on how I should proceed. I want to fight for our marriage. What is this plan A and plan B stuff? What the deal with saying you want to try to reconcile in the midst of divorce process? Help me out...
 
#259 ·
no, not those kind of questions. nobody but her mother, pastor, a couple of people really close to know. it's the comments like "divorce happens" or "you don't need her" or "maybe she's not the one for you". That's not the most uplifting or encouraging when you are still in love with someone. I take it with a grain of salt, but I don't want to hear it from people week in a week out. if those kinds of questions did come, YES, i would tell the truth.
 
#260 ·
I think people say those phrases simply because they don't know what else to say. They want to appear supportive. Yet, they really don't want to get involved. Many of those people now find themselves in an awkward position. I've been there too.

Since you have no family support system nearby, I really think you need to remain in the same church. Besides, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your wife is the one with the problem. When I get hesitant about going to certain events, my brothers are very quick to point that fact out to me. They tell me to go to the event or place with my head held high.....that I did nothing to bring shame to my family or self....and that I have every right to be there. And it does get easier after time.

I've given more thought to your situation and I've got a couple of suggestions for the social aspect of your situation. I actually think it could be a good thing for you to visit other churches. Perhaps attend some of their services in addition to your own church--like Sunday evenings or Wednesdays evenings, etc. It would also be a good opportunity to network. Also, how about becoming a mentor? I know many areas do have mentoring programs to work with problem teens and disadvantaged youths. This might be another way for God to work through you.

Hang in there! Sometimes waiting on God is the hardest thing.
 
#261 ·
I think people say those phrases simply because they don't know what else to say. They want to appear supportive. Yet, they really don't want to get involved. Many of those people now find themselves in an awkward position. I've been there too..
Yeah, that's pretty much what I figured, too, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I still love her so much and knowing that I will no longer be her husband makes it really difficult. Did you and your spouse stay at the same church?

Since you have no family support system nearby, I really think you need to remain in the same church. Besides, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your wife is the one with the problem. When I get hesitant about going to certain events, my brothers are very quick to point that fact out to me. They tell me to go to the event or place with my head held high.....that I did nothing to bring shame to my family or self....and that I have every right to be there. And it does get easier after time.
I don't feel guilty about anything. Yes, I had the porn issue that has been addressed and one that I've been pretty open about. It's not like going to our daughter's gymnastics showcases or her softball games where no one really knows us or anything about us. It's easy at those type of events to get lost in the crowd. That's not the case at church. We've been there for 11+ years and they all know us, although some better than others.


I've given more thought to your situation and I've got a couple of suggestions for the social aspect of your situation. I actually think it could be a good thing for you to visit other churches. Perhaps attend some of their services in addition to your own church--like Sunday evenings or Wednesdays evenings, etc. It would also be a good opportunity to network. Also, how about becoming a mentor? I know many areas do have mentoring programs to work with problem teens and disadvantaged youths. This might be another way for God to work through you.
Right now, my school schedule keeps me pretty busy until the weekends come. If I have my daughter that weekend, I'm fine, but it's the other weekends that are pretty rough. I go and visit a couple of church members that i'm close to, but that's it. I would have to try to find out about the mentoring...it could be a good thing for me to do.

Hang in there! Sometimes waiting on God is the hardest thing.
Yes, it is. I know that whatever happens is what God wills. I know that sooner or later, he will come through and bless me financially in his timing because God knows I need it. I know that He will eventually get her attention. Whether or not that is for the purpose of bringing us back together is really irrelevant. Is it my desire? Yes! Is it what God wants? Only He knows. I will continue to wait.
 
#262 ·
I probably wouldn't have posted if I had read the entire thread / this new stuff! Sorry if I stepped on any toes or went against any beliefs / spiritual direction!

Question - Are you allowed to go in bars / pubs / lounges?
Since I'm getting in shape - I avoid alcohol. Bars around here will actually give you free beverages if you claim you're the designated driver. ( Which I am, if I think anyones had to much to drive. )

Also saying that - pub food can be delicious!

I know I didn't step on any toes by suggesting physical fitness. You in shape? Strong? Fit? Doing so would boost confidence in oneself, and it's using a gift from God, your body, treating it well. Not abusing it and taking it / life for granted.

( That sounds like guilting you - it's not. haha. )

Change of church is probably a great idea. Get away from seeing her when you don't have to. Make new church buddies, get some more friends a support system or even mental diversion.

Like I said before - I wish you the best of luck!
 
#265 · (Edited)
My w/stbxw and I both still attend same church. She grew up there and i joined after my relocation 11 yrs ago. She said she would leave 2 months ago. She said she would step down from her position as clerk, although at our pastors request, she is currently not acting clerk but still has the title. She has done none of that so it may just force me to do so for my sanity, however, things did change a little yesterday. It was brought to my attention that a friend of a member of the church saw wife's profile on dating site and asked if she was divorced. The reply was no and the friend became angry that she is honestly seeking a companion and my wife is being dishonest on the same site. Found out other church members are also aware of it through their family members and friends on the site. I went to pastor and asked to finish the biblical plan for handling such matters since we've followed all the other steps and since she has not stopped like she said. He refused stating that she wouldn't listen so there was no use. Then said she may reply that she asked for dvorce 2 months ago and how do we respond. My issue is 1) the lack of him wanting to follow the Word & 2) me being the bad guy for fighting for my family and marriage. Who cares if she asked for the divorce. That doesn't make her actions acceptable. In this day and time, is there anyone willing to take a hard stand against wrong for what I'd right?
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#266 ·
If you're thinking of leaving anyway, why not start raising a stink there? Let them ALL know what she has done and is now doing. Even if it doesn't get her back, it may put a plug in her plans and make it a little harder for her to continue on this path without repercussions.

What's the worst that will happen? They kick you out? You were leaving anyway. At least SHE won't end up looking like the victim.
 
#267 ·
I don't want to cause a stink. I'm not trying to embarass my wife. My plan to leave church is something I think I need temporarily to allow me time to adjust and heal without the well-meaning but feeble attempts at comforting me. I understand that following the bible's plan may make her mad. I understand that it might further damage our chances of reconciliation. But I also know that there is no us until she is repentant and sorry for her actions. I just dont understand why everybody is so set on not making her mad. Maybe that's what she needs in order for her to really take a good look at herself. As I believe Tanelorne stated, our marriage can survive her anger but not other men.
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#268 ·
Okay, with daughter with me this weekend, I decided to go to another church today. Pastor knew about it but wife didn't. She showed up, realized we weren't there, and asked pastor if he knew. He told her I went somewhere else. She tried to call but I didn't answer because it was during service. She did stay at church for about 20 minutes (several people called and told me) but left. This proves to me even more about how lost she is. Why does it bother her that I or we weren't there? Why did she have to leave? Why couldn't she just stay and enjoy service by herself? Makes me wonder....
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#270 ·
Yeah, the restraining order is simply an attempt to manipulate me into giving in and just giving her what she wants. She is not nor has she ever been afraid of me. Im just a boxer who is not ready to throw in the towel. I do and always have felt she still cares despite what she's said and done. I've also felt that she is just spiritually disconnected. This was evident by her not remaining at church today because we weren't there. Us not being there should not have determined whether or not she stayed.
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#272 ·
Turnera, I don't really appreciate the tone especially with your last statement. How am I making excuses for her? How is she 'winning'? If I were a betting man, I would say she left to go find out where I was. She has told me over and over that she doesn't care anymore but her actions show otherwise. She even texted me to wish me a happy bday a few weeks back. It was funny because the text included reasons why she was doing it as if to justify and cover up her feelings.
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#273 ·
Sorry for being rude but you 'wanted' her to leave the church. She didn't. Then you did...what?

You did nothing.

She KNOWS you will do nothing. That's why she cheated on you. That's why she continues to flaunt it in front of you and all the church.

She has had no consequences. Does she care about you? Of course she does. But she has no respect for you, because you are not respecting yourself. That is what people mean when they say around here that you have no cajones.

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy?

I really think you would benefit from it. It would give you the courage to address her NOT leaving your church when she said she would (and hasn't because YOU haven't forced the issue).
 
#274 ·
Hi, just read your whole thread.

A few comments:

Following a Biblical plan is good...the best, in my opinion. That's not going to drive her away. That's your hope for reconciliation. Can I assume that's just fear talking when you made that comment?

These other plans - carrot and stick, 180, etc etc are all good and solid...they are really doing the same thing. And they focus on you doing work on yourself. And they WORK! Really, they do. It's hard but it works.

You seemed to be very solid and gung ho on the plans and moving forward in one direction and then that falters. Which I get, I faltered all the time. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed so much. I sent freak out texts to the few I trusted to hold me on course. My friends were not close by (actually all of them were far away) but they were reachable by phone and they helped me.

Going out, staying home, doesn't matter, IMO. I strongly feel you are missing support for staying on course. This board is amazing, but maybe get some key people, even one or two, in your offline life, who understand and accept where you are and your goals. My friends would not have held onto their marriages like I did, but they accepted that I was, and they continue to support and encourage me.


So where are you now? With everything?
 
#276 ·
You are exactly right. No one has all the answers. I do know and I'm convinced of a couple of things.

1) God's will will ultimately be accomplished no matter what we do or don't do.
2) Contrary to what she has said and done, I know there is still love there.
3) Some of the things I've done have had an affect on her, maybe not as much as I would like.

What I think I need to do is spend less time on here hoping to find the magic that will turn things around and allow God to do whatever he's gonna do. I, from the beginning, have felt that it would happen, I just don't know when or how. From the beginning, I felt it was less about what I've done and more about what she's doing. I think getting on here regularly to vent or seek advice has actually hurt me more than it has helped so I'm gonna take some time off and see what happens. I appreciate all the assistance and help. I will continue on my path of self-improvement and my commitment to doing what's right. It may work out and it may not. I'll have to deal with either outcome and I WILL.
4)
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#277 ·
Well, its been a little more than 5 months since all of this started. I have made a lot of progress, but there is no change in wife. I don't know what she's been doing but I do know that she's been caught in several lies and has been very manipulative in trying to get certain things to go the way she wants. I started out by asking about the "fog" and most would have said that it could last anywhere from 6 months or longer. I just wish things were different now. I've been having a lot more good days than bad days, but i can say that my emotions take a huge hit on Friday nights when we bowl on the team we started. It wouldn't be so bad, I don't think, if she didn't spend the whole night texting every week. I know it should not be my concern, but she still is my wife and it only causes me to wonder who she texting, especially since I don't know. I used to be able to see the numbers on our bill but that was seperated months ago so I am now in the dark on that. I think she does it really to try to irritate me but I won't let it. The same thing happens every week until Friday. I don't see her nor do I talk to her and then Friday comes and all those emotions come back. Then there is also Sunday at church (when she decides to come). I try to keep my distance from her but she always finds a reason to seek me out for something.

As far as the proceedings, our Final Hearing was last Friday, but it ended up not being the final. We were ordered to mediation because we couldn't come to any agreement on several things. I know some of you may wonder why'd we wait until then? Well, I'd tried to talk to her about the logistics on a couple of occasions, without any mention of my feelings for her or wanting to work on the marriage, just business. She would always take the conversation somewhere else by stating things like "understand that I no longer want to be with you" or "I don't love you anymore" and I never even went there. When I would ask where those statements came from given our current topic, she would simply say she could talk about whatever she wanted to talk about. So after those attempts, I stopped trying. She was extremely mad that we are not divorced yet, as was expected, but maybe more time is what is needed for this "fog" to start to wear off.

Throughout all of this, I've became a much better person having learned so much about so many different things. I just wish she would just wake up and accept that she has some flaws that need to be fixed. I wish she would stop blaming me for things that aren't my fault like her excessive drinking (She said being with me almost turned her into an alcoholic). I wish she would seek help for some of her childhood issues (she was sexually abused as child which explains her stance on my pornography issue).

I don't know what the future holds and I may be grasping at straws trying find a simple piece of evidence of a possible future reconciliation. Yes, I still love my wife. Yes, I would love to renew and rebuild our relationship knowing that my changes alone would make things different. But I also know that until she recognizes that she has her own issues to work on, she won't do anything. Unless she wants to work on our relationship, my desire alone will not do anything. I will just keep pushing ahead.
 
#279 ·
Throughout all of this, I've became a much better person having learned so much about so many different things. I just wish she would just wake up and accept that she has some flaws that need to be fixed. I wish she would stop blaming me for things that aren't my fault like her excessive drinking (She said being with me almost turned her into an alcoholic). I wish she would seek help for some of her childhood issues (she was sexually abused as child which explains her stance on my pornography issue).

I don't know what the future holds and I may be grasping at straws trying find a simple piece of evidence of a possible future reconciliation. Yes, I still love my wife. Yes, I would love to renew and rebuild our relationship knowing that my changes alone would make things different. But I also know that until she recognizes that she has her own issues to work on, she won't do anything. Unless she wants to work on our relationship, my desire alone will not do anything. I will just keep pushing ahead.
Marksaysay~

Turnera has a point in what she says, "You will never get her out of the fog while she still has another man... you can't expect any other outcome but for her to be in a hurry to get rid of you" but in addition to the part she has so clearly stated (i.e., no progress will be made in the marriage as long as there is still an affair), there is another part that has not been spoken. A loyal spouse can do all the steps, and in order, and correctly (namely: Gather Evidence, Confront, Disclose, Expose, Carrot&Stick, Consequences/No Contact, Legal Separation) and despite all their efforts, still end up divorced. Know why?

Because at some point, what we call "the fog" starts as smoke and mirrors and is not the disloyal's character...but as more time goes on and more time passes by, their heart hardens more and more and it BECOMES part of their character. In the past your wife may have been a pretty honest, thoughtful, reasonable woman and with the onset of "the fog" she was cast into a lifestyle that was contrary to her usual, past character. BUT as she continues to live a life that is dishonest, based on fantasy and not reality, self-centered, and irrational...she will gradually become that way. It becomes her new character.

Her heart hardens and she does not "face the fact that she has her own issues to work on" (as you so correctly worded it) because if she were to do so, she would have to put aside her pride, admit that what she did was wrong, AND FACE HERSELF AND HER ISSUES HEAD ON...and that is more scary to her than having to face losing you. As a Christian, you also know that she would have to do something similar to make herself right with God, and again, having to do that and face herself is not something she's willing to do right now. So her heart grows hard and these are the character qualities she has chosen to embrace rather than her former character, and it does slowly become "the new her."

So I remind you of a verse. 1 Corinthians 7:15 (NIV 2011): "But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."
 
#280 · (Edited)
So what do I do? Do I hack into accounts? Do I send proof to more family members? I only told her mom and her cousin...Do I expose to more people from church? I showed pastor but he simply says let God deal with her...

I totally agree with the 2 posts above and the more I think about it, it really kinda makes me mad that people simply have brushed things under the rug as if nothing is happening. MIL says that's just kinda what happens. FIL's side of family thinks nothing is wrong, with the exception of FIL's wife who has been in my wife's life for over 30 years. Wife won't even talk to her because she knows what she'll get. People at church know that something is wrong by her lack of attendence. She has never missed church so much in the 10+ years we've been together, so everyone at the least understands that there is something not right. They just don't know all the details.

How do I go about things now? We're seperated and I no longer have access to her computer, her cell phone account, or her email, etc. The stuff i do have is a couple of months old. Who do I go to? Pastor? Done that? Mother and father? Done that? A close family friend? Wife was standoffish and mean. I don't really think there is anyone left. Pastor says following the bible plan from Matthew is only 2/3 good. He didn't want to do the final step. I don't know what I can do. I'm not really crying over the situation or anything but I atleast thought that given the proof that some people are aware of, someone would do or say something. Everybody seems to be afraid of making her mad or either they don't care that she's doing it, i.e. MIL & FIL. The common statement I get is to just let her do what she's doing and sooner or later she will crash and burn, so to speak. As far as my marriage is concerned, I just don't agree with that. Especially from the Christian perspective with all of the teachings about bearing one another's burdens, and going to get lost sheep, and lovingly addressing a fellow believer who's caught up in sin (all paraphrases).
 
#281 ·
So what do I do?
Tell me if I'm wrong, but before I make suggestions I want to be sure I factually understand what has already happened and where you stand now. Okay?

First, you had an issue with porn. This contributed to the issues in the marriage, and you yourself admitted this and have addressed it consistently for many months if not years.

Second, your wife does not have "one man" she is having an affair with, but rather has signed up on several "dating services" as single (although you two are not divorced), flirts online and via texts with several people, and generally lives an overall unfaithful lifestyle (such as flirty Facebook or Myspace, etc. ) rather than a specific OM.

Third, you did disclose to your pastor, who has told you some wise council, but then failed to enforce Galatians 6:1 "Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted" and Matthew 18:17 "...If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." [In other words I personally believe he should have spoken to the elders, and the elders should have spoken to her, and then if she would not end her unfaithfulness and be reconciled to her husband, they should have enforced church discipline.]

Fourth, you did expose to her mom and her cousin (the family that she has) and they have all committed adultery and cheated on each other, so they don't see what she has done as "wrong." Thus, you've exposed and in this instance the family is choosing to not support the marriage.

Fifth, you've done Carrot&Stick (aka "Plan A") and Consequences/No Contact (aka "Plan B") and this is where you basically are today--although your No Contact is not really NO CONTACT because you see her at church and talk to her...and you still go to bowling league with her. To this point none of these steps has made an impact on her choices, but each of the steps has had an impact ON YOU. Thus, although the two of you are not recovering your marriage, you, as a person, absolutely have recovered and grown from the experience as a man and as a husband.

Are those the basic facts--where we stand today?

Do I hack into accounts?
Please see this sticky post about my response to that question: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...isloyal-you-being-controlling.html#post238370 . I can not see any positive in doing more hacking and spying, other than to drive you nuts. You do know you are not being told the full truth, but this is already established as fact. Thus there is no need to prove that you're being lied to--you know that! If she were to choose to reconcile, of her own free will, SHE would have to choose to stop lying, and SHE would have to make the effort to demonstrate her honesty to you in word and in matching actions. So at this point it's on her. You know you are being lied to, you know she is not giving you 100% of her affection and loyalty, you have made the choice to be "open to" reconciliation if she were to be, and now SHE has to make the choice to choose to reconcile and demonstrate her honesty. Otherwise you are safe to assume that you can not trust in her honesty. Period. No need for more hacking.

Do I send proof to more family members? I only told her mom and her cousin...
The idea of exposure is to shine the light of The Truth on the infidelity and to inform people who are likely to be affected by the divorce (so they are not told a pack of lies from the disloyal). Thus, if you have only told her mom and her cousin, you'll probably want to tell your own family (parents and siblings--if you have them) so that they can support you and in order to assure that they aren't told the disloyal version of "We're getting a divorce because I loved him but I could not stand his abuse any longer." You may also want to tell your own employer or student advisor if you're in school because it's pretty likely you'll have a few "bad days" or may need extra "time off" for court dates, and if they know, they'll probably be a bit more understanding.

HOWEVER, as far as exposure goes, I don't see how further exposure would be helpful at this point. She does not have a singular "OM" with whom she's committing adultery, so you don't have OMW or OM's parents to contact, and contacting everyone who responds to her singles ad is akin to stalking-type behavior. It would be vengeance to talk to her employer (if there is one) because it's not a work-affair or using company resources (thus again it would be closer to stalking). And her pastor already knows of her behavior and is not actively addressing her sin. Yes I said it: sin.

Do I expose to more people from church? I showed pastor but he simply says let God deal with her...
You know, this one is a little complicated, and I'll speak to you here invoking the right of speaking to a brother in Christ, not just as if I'm speaking to a non-christian or an anonymous person on a forum, okay? So note to self: this is said assuming that we both hold to a Christian worldview.

I absolutely do agree with "...let God deal with her" because to be honest, marksaysay, she is HIS and was only loaned to you from Him anyway. It is arrogance to think that God will not be in her life, dealing with her just because YOU are not in her life dealing with her. Further, we already have the promise of Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." So she is God's and HE is far more effective at accomplishing His work in her than you or I will ever be.

That being said, however, if someone at church were to ask you or speak to you about why you two aren't sitting together or coming at the same service, I would recommend speaking the truth to them, and naming it for what it is. Thus, if some nosy person asks you, "Marksaysay I notice you and your wife don't come to church together anymore. Are you two having trouble?" I would see no problem with answering honestly and fully: "I am sad to say that we are having trouble and I would very much ask that you'd pray for my wife and I, as she is being unfaithful to the marriage and broken her vow. Please pray for both of us and specifically that God would soften her heart and lead her back to honoring Him. For me, for strength to carry on... (or whatever prayer request you want to ask)."

I'll be honest and pretty blunt here. The fact that your pastor and the church is willing to turn a blind eye to adultery is not a good sign, marksaysay. I understand that a pastor does not want to hurt a parishioner or "take sides", and yet as the shepherd of the flock of your church, it is his (the pastor's) job to guide a person who is actively living in sin, and he would need to be trying to bring her back to right relation with God -- it's his responsibility. If your church is not willing to stand against adultery, I have to admit, I think I would suggest you begin looking for another church.

I would conclude with this one thought. I take it very personally and deeply that we, as Christians, are to be an example of love, joy and peace in this world. I am not suggesting that your pastor legalistically and judgmentally kick her out of the church. I am saying that as a pastor he has a duty to not turn a blind eye to sin, to work to restore her, if he has to...work with you so that ultimately the marriage can be reconciled, and if she absolutely hardens her heart and refuses to stop doing what she knows is wrong and has been told is wrong, then to discipline as the denomination allows/suggests. For example, I've heard of churches where the youth group leaders (a male and a female, married to other people) had an affair, everyone in the church KNEW they were having an affair, and they were not removed from being youth group leaders!!! :eek: Why? Because the pastor said they needed them for the youth group!!! :rolleyes::banghead: Sorry but in my book, when THE CHURCH won't stand up to sin...time to look for a new church!


Anyway, as far as what do you do? If anything I would say to maybe look at our Sample Consequences Letters and actually write her an official Consequences/No Contact Letter and officially enter a firmer "Plan B." This would entail not talking to her at church; no contact via email, phone, or text; and ending the bowling league. It would also give you one last chance to admit your side, and to let her know what she would need to do in order to repair the marriage. It would also possibly make it more clear that if she does divorce, she doesn't get the little "fixes" of seeing you and blaming you for her unhappiness, and that a divorce will "cost her." Honestly...that's the only thing I can see to do at this point. As far as mediation goes, I would tell the mediator right up front that you do not want a divorce, never have wanted one, and don't intend to now make a divorce easy and painless. Will you be confrontational and vengeful? NO! But will you just give in to her whims to make things go fast or smooth? No. I would recommend having an idea of what you believe is "fair" and the minimum you would accept, and then don't necessarily propose any of it. For example, why should you say, "I would be willing to give up X in exchange for Y" when she hasn't even put a list together of what she would or would not ask for? Let HER do all the work. Let HER go through the pain of having to divide everything and decide what she's willing to give up. And when she proposes that she wants everything and you get nothing, then you have written proof of her unwillingness to be realistic, and you can say, "Well you can see why I don't agree with this proposal. According to our state's laws she would at minimum have to assume this and that debt and give me A and B asset!" Anyway, does that make sense? You do need to know what is rightfully yours, but you don't need to necessarily propose it and/or make that easier or faster. LET her do the work (and she'll probably drag it out forever because it hurts).
 
#282 ·
She chooses this because you allow it. Are you willing to be with her forever, watching her cheat, just so she doesn't leave you? Waiting for her to move back in with you?

Or are you ready to affirm that you deserve MORE than this and you are walking away from the relationship until such time as she sees the error of her ways and asks your forgiveness?
 
#283 ·
Mark, if she wants out, the most loving thing you can do is let her go.

I know that is hard as heck to hear but if someone doesn't want to be with you, ther ei no point in fighting them on their feeling. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.

She has even taken a restraining order on you. Do not fight her on this. It could be dangerous. Not to mention illegal if you are trying to stay in touch with her.

At this point, you need to follow her ACTIONS. Her actions are telling you she doesn't want to be married, she's even got protective orders against you. Let her go. She will never feel the loss of you while you are still in the picture.

I agree with you that "God's will" will be whatever it is.



 
#284 ·
FYI...she dropped the RO partly due, I believe, to her knowing the accusations were false and unwarranted. As a believer, yes, I know that God's will will be done. Yes, understand the battle that is taking place spiritually.

I did come to a decision after reading Affaircare's post that I am leaving my church. It pains me to do having been the only place I've known in the 11+ years I've been here in Indiana. It pains me because of the relationships that have been developed. It pains me because of the ministries that I was involved in, but I can't stay if she is still there. I can't stay with the rest of her family there knowing they are aware of her actions and have basically turned a deaf ear to it and I have no family there or within 1000 miles. I can't stay knowing that my pastor, who has been my best friend for 9+ years and is our daughters godfather, chooses to do nothing as opposed to what the bible teaches and what a shepherd should do. It is probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make but I believe it to be the right one. I'm now gathering my bearings to go and express these same thoughts to my pastor in a few. Thank you all for your help and support throughout all of this. No it's not over yet. No, I'm not hurting over my wife now nor have I been for a while. I'm more hurt that I haven't got the type of support from those from which I expected it, specifically my pastor.
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#285 ·
marksaysay,

I think you are doing the right thing also. Affaircare wrote two very well thought out posts. I really agree with what she said. Your minister could have done more. Unfortunately he took the easiest route. The church elders should have been a part of the intervention, and the church should have stood behind you regarding your wife's infidelity.
 
#286 ·
Well, the pastor and I had the talk. He said he felt I was making the wrong decision in leaving. Understand that it was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever done because of how close he and i have always been. He stated that he didn't feel stripping her position away for her blatant disregard was not the right thing to do. He said when she told him she was going to do whatever she wanted, there was nothing more he could do. Yes, he said it's obvious that's she is at the least in a backslidden condition but that she was in Gods hands now. He compares my situation with one he had with a girlfriend. When it ended, they remained at the same church and he said it was tough, but he stayed. Yes, there may be similarities but his relationship was a few years. Being married for 10+ years is not the same as having a girlfriend for few years. Still an uphill climb ahead of me but I will make it.
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