Originally Posted by Tiredspouse0297
The guy I'm seeing is married as well and although not happy is not willing to leave or commit to anything deeper than sex.
Oh gosh. That he also is married is so not good. That you mention he's "not willing to leave or commit to anything deeper than sex
" tells me you want more or that the two of you have discussed it for that reason.
I hope you don't mind me lecturing you. I don't mean to speak as if you are a child. It's just that people don't normally recognize their tendency to repeat patterns, why they repeat those patterns, and therefore don't understand the resulting consequences then they happen. For example, you describe your husband when you met him as "a fairly well functioning alcoholic, partied a lot, drank to passing out almost every night" but this guy is undesirable to any woman, or certainly should be. Now, you have taken up with a married man, someone who is also undesirable. What I see this meaning - and believe me, I am no psychotherapist - is you have had low self esteem for a long time, and you wrap your sense of worth around men. You don't mention anything about the first marriage or that husband, so of course I've no idea how he ties in. I'm just saying I really think you have some soul searching to do and counseling will be able to help you. And look at it this way: If you need to get the nerve up to leave the abuse you endure from your husband, then you really should, and very closely, examine that sentence all by itself. For me, it was hardly a matter of getting the nerve up. I couldn't get back out fast enough because there is no way I was going to allow the abuse to continue. I think too much of myself to permit my sense of self (who I am) or my sense of worth (merit of quality, ability, desirability, and respect) to be determined by another person. Value yourself, and you would never allow yourself to be devalued.
It doesn't really help to be bitter towards men. Men and women both will do/say whatever they can get away with for as long as you permit them to get away with it. You have to realize how a person treats is determined by you, not them. Learn to love Tiredspouse more than you love a man, and you won't have this problem ever again. That doesn't mean you will never again meet an unkind man, nor does it mean you will never again meet an abusive man. It means no man will be unkind to you ever again and no man will abuse you ever again because you will put a stop to it the moment it begins, and that means loving yourself enough to leave the relationship immediately. Love yourself enough to know you don't need to get up the nerve to do anything. You just have to do it.