| | Re: Seeking any advice that might turn things around
As you have said, the relationship grew out of your mutual "weaknesses." Now you have grown as an individual, and she hasn't. You want to do the right thing and try to save the marriage before throwing in the towel. Good for you.
Unfortunately, unless your wife also starts to grow, little will change and the marriage will continue as it is. Is that what you meant, wife does not seem to understand what the sessions are supposed to be accomplishing? Then the therapist needs to break down things more, or change therapists. While a lot of people have very little insight, they can improve on whatever they have. Unless they have a mental illness, that is. An inability to take responsibility for one's life/decisions, etc., is a pretty clear sign of a mental health issue--is that what the therapist is trying to say?
Anyway, what is your biggest concern? If it is about the lack of sex, focus on that. Start flirting with her and treating her as a sex object some each day--she may feel ugly and a-sexual b/c of her weight, but if you treat her like she is sexually desirable, she may lose some of that inhibition. Reconnecting sexually may give her the impetus she needs to do something about her health (and kudos to you for approaching this as a health problem and not expecting her to look like a model). Do you have a gym membership? Start going as a family, or just start "family walk time" (outdoors if possible, at a mall or gym if not) each evening to get all of you up and moving to help mommy's blood pressure and b/c it's just good for you.
If your wife is making plans behind your back, ask yourself--and then her--why. Is it b/c you won't commit to a time for discussion? Does she know you will always object (maybe for good reason, but without compromise?) Does she do it b/c she feels so powerless elsewhere? Does she do it just to irritate you (tell her it is ok to admit that)? Talk it out, and set a plan for, well, making plans together.
She sounds unhappy and stuck, frankly--probably feels a lot like you do. Try to inject joy and connection. Don't escalate your sexual expectations right away--just make her feel she is sexy and desirable. It will take time for her to buy into that. And then do NOT bring up her weight, b/c she'll go right back to ground zero on self-esteem if you act like she's sexy and then point out her weight--she'll feel you were faking it and she "fell" for it b/c how can someone as fat as she is really be sexy? Let her know that the number on the scale is irrelevant but you do want her blood pressure issues to be less concerning and exercise (very moderate at first, and at a pace she can easily handle) is a good way to do that while connecting as a family.
Keep up your efforts even in the face of her resistance. How do you do this? You find compassion for her and you recognize her resistance has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the way she feels about herself. You try and try out of love. Eventually, you may have to give up out of love--if she really won't budge one inch on anything and you've tried and tried and tried, then ok. If you cannot sustain the compassion any longer, stop trying or you will grow to hate her. Better to divorce than hate if you cannot get to a point in the marriage where you are truly happy and content.