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Just Dealing With It All

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#1 ·
What do you do when you start to feel overwhelmed by it all?

Working 8-10 hours a day
Working more when needed
Exercise
Meeting my wife’s emotional needs
Meeting my wife’s (and my own) sexual needs
Time alone to think
Playing with my kids
Talking to my kids
Simple things like car washes, batteries on smoke detectors, helping around the house
Going to school events

  • My wife isn’t working, so my job is critical.
  • I love my kids and can’t imagine cutting back on the time I spend with them
  • I “think” exercise should improve my life in all of the other areas, so maybe it should be number one on the list
  • My marriage is still “fragile”, so I feel like I need to be spending EXTRA time there.
  • I NEED time to myself. I’m an introvert. Its how I re-charge. I get very irritable if I’m around other people for too long – including my wife and kids.
I would like to start going to church again too. And play guitar more.

Guess sleep should be in there somewhere too.

Plus all of the little $hit you have to do every day – floss, meals, run by the bank or WHATEVER.

What do you do when you start to feel overwhelmed by it all?
 
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#3 ·
What do you do when you start to feel overwhelmed by it all?
I can tell you what I used to do; I used to wonder why my partner wasn't feeling the same thing.

In your case, I'm presuming that you know by default that you are signing up for extra duty as a result of your wife's condition.

However, if she isn't paying attention to YOU, and your efforts - jumping back to my circumstances once again, it's worthy of re-evaluating 'what does she bring to the table?' how do I benefit from this arrangement? - topic of another thread.

I literally went through this exercise after having gone to the hospital twice with chest pain back in 07 and 08.

We were sinking. I asked for her help to right the ship by either:
stepping up financially - increase our overall income to reduce our monthly red ink.

step up domestically - take care of our home.

Neither occurred. Importantly? Despite her working on herself, and undeniably making progress, neither have still occurred. She would argue that nothing she does is 'good enough' in my eyes ... tragically, she'd still be correct. I think what she has done is great for her. It is not great for me.

I've come to accept that she has extremely limited capabilities in conducting her life as an adult.

Since moving out, I have made no trips back to the ER with chest pain. All of the same problems remain firmly in place. However, none of them impact me as they did when we were coupled.
 
#8 ·
I've come to accept that she has extremely limited capabilities in conducting her life as an adult.
Deejo,

Sounds a bit familiar - although it comes and goes.

She's capable, but not consistent. In part due to her condition - and in part because she's spoiled.

We did quite a bit of stuff with the kids' rooms this weekend to make room for their Christmas presents, but it wore her out. THAT is the Fibro.

Maybe I just need to be more patient. She's only been back home for one month. I just feel both of us slipping back into old habits/patterns. Things need to be different. I'm just not sure how to get there.
 
#4 ·
During the first year of marriage and a little over -> I just got drunk. Since pancreatitis however, needed to find something to achieve what I achieved with booze - something to just make me forget reality/life/pressure for a while.

I've taken up a new hobby driving down to the country every once in a while to clear my head. My mate has a horse there too and it's nice to be away from civilisation for a day or 2, it's my therapy, and it works. Think hobbies are needed really.
 
#6 ·
Honestly, sometimes I just need a drink! It's not really healthy to live that way, but it works well when I've had a really stressful day (I also don't have kids though). My situation is actually really different haha...I probably work only 20 hours per week waitressing (which stinks though b/c sometimes I come home really late), but I'm also a full time student and have extracurricular commitments, still have all the chores/bills that adults have, want to go out with friends, etc. so sometimes I get overwhelmed too!

I do yoga and meditate, and I LOVE it! I used to think yoga was just hippy hogwash, but when I tried it, I found it so calming--I feel like time expands and I am fully recharged after a session. Mindfulness meditation is also wonderful--google it and try it out! I don't usually meditate for more than 10 minutes at a time, but it does help so much with introspection and calming.

I hardly ever watch TV--I think TV is an awful time sink and no way to relax, recharge, or do anything useful...You could be sleeping, having sex, or getting chores done instead of watching TV and it would bring you more happiness (even the chores--because you feel proud of yourself at the end, instead of feeling like "Oh **** I just wasted another hour in front of the TV").

Hm, my last suggestion would be to work efficiently at work, and don't bring it home with you. Take short breaks every 45 minutes to optimize efficiency, and avoid getting on facebook, playing games, or staring at your email inbox.
 
#7 ·
I don't know since you said:
I NEED time to myself. I’m an introvert. Its how I re-charge. I get very irritable if I’m around other people for too long – including my wife and kids.
Here is my wife and I's life:

Work 50-52hrs week
3 Kids one in rehab after going to college and finding out she has a problem.
Violin, gymnastics, karate
Church on Sunday
We both workout
Normal house work etc
Babysit our niece's baby on Friday nights

That is just the stuff, so our lives are similar in that respect. The difference is I get all of my recharging by being with my wife and kids. I have ZERO alone time except for working out and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I treasure getting to sleep next to my wife at night. Go for a walk for 25 minutes while drinking a glass of Merlot and of course trying to score:D

Your post just adds more evidence that everyone is different and there isn't a one size fits all for any of this!! We are both nice guys with totally different lives and ways to get those needs met.

I don't see how you get unstressed if your recharge time isn't with the wife/kids. Your schedule like mine doesn't have much of that precious element called "time" in it.
 
#14 ·
I don't know since you said:


Here is my wife and I's life:

Work 50-52hrs week
3 Kids one in rehab after going to college and finding out she has a problem.
Violin, gymnastics, karate
Church on Sunday
We both workout
Normal house work etc
Babysit our niece's baby on Friday nights

That is just the stuff, so our lives are similar in that respect. The difference is I get all of my recharging by being with my wife and kids. I have ZERO alone time except for working out and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I treasure getting to sleep next to my wife at night. Go for a walk for 25 minutes while drinking a glass of Merlot and of course trying to score:D

Your post just adds more evidence that everyone is different and there isn't a one size fits all for any of this!! We are both nice guys with totally different lives and ways to get those needs met.

I don't see how you get unstressed if your recharge time isn't with the wife/kids. Your schedule like mine doesn't have much of that precious element called "time" in it.
But see, that's just it. Eliminate you from the equation. Utterly. Entirely. You're gone - under whatever circumstances.

All that stuff that takes up your 'time'? Would still get done - or it would be adjusted.

In my case? My ex just didn't want to have to do it. There was no joyful 'partnering'.

Take the 'good' out of the relationship and all of those tasks you enjoy, start to morph from enjoyable to stressful and overwhelming.

Don't get me wrong, I admire your circumstances. I had the same at one time. I loved 'doing' for my wife and my family.
 
#9 ·
Oh yea, and NO TV IN THE BEDROOM!!! This goes for anyone and everyone. You can watch porn on a laptop (don't have a laptop? Sell your bedroom TV and buy a used laptop with the cash) if you really need to. You should be talking, sleeping, or having sex in the bedroom, not watching Dancing with the Stars.
 
#15 ·
Again different strokes for different folks! We don't have a TV in the (living room/family room) wouldn't go without one in the bedroom!!

We watch cooking shows, home shows, movies, and our physical life is 2-3 times a week....wouldn't have it any other way!! Love cuddling and watching shows together.
 
#12 ·
For ME, the first thing I try is mindfulness. It helps calm and center me. There are a bunch of good resources on amazon about mindfulness. I like my meditation to include yoga as often as I can. It is a double whammy of mindful meditation and exercise.

Once the calm has restored to my mind, and that shaky freak out feeling is gone, I prioritize. For me, the list would be paired down and/or combined...
priority one for you is work by necessity. for me it would be kid time
priority two would be me alone time
I am not sure what you mean by meet my wife's emotional needs. Your marriage is fragile, so time is needed. Can it be combined with exercise for example? And kid time? The kids and I exercise together. We go tot he running track and do laps. I run, my son prefers sprints. My dd also prefers sprints. We pass each other on the track and give each other encouragement... Cant run now post surgery... But when I can, we will resume.
Priority zero... should be at the top of the list... is sleep for me. I am a big fat meanie without it.

Anything I can get the rest of the family involved in, I do. I forget how old your kids are, and I think I recall that you are having some difficulty with your daughter, so this might not work for you. But I would call a family meeting and say I have too much on my plate. I know you love me and want to help. How can we change things to I have more time for the important stuff like having fun with you...

I hope these thoughts are helpful. You have so much on your plate right now!Good luck to you!

S
 
#17 · (Edited)
NG, it runs very deep this stuff, doesn’t it just? And it’s real. It’s very very real. It is probably exactly how you are experiencing your life. Well done for getting this far with your understanding of what your life experience is like for you.

I wonder how far away you’ve managed to get from your “ideal life”? When that distance is too great to bear any longer that is the time that the biggest changes in our life occur.

So if that is indeed the case you are in for a very big change in your life. Either that or your life will forever be in the short, medium and long term as you’ve now created it. Changes may come into your life for the better in the very much longer term.

I reckon you have gone and made yourself a codependent. And you’ve done that by being “Ever More Nice”. Ever more patient and tolerant of the, essentially abuses of who you are as a person, from your wife. And all in the hope that she will change the behaviour you don't like!

The way out of all this? It is to be impatient and intolerant of the behaviour that your wife exhibits that you do not like.

It’s a boundary thing. Much like R2s but I think you have a far worse dose of it.

Bob
 
#18 ·
NG, being extroverted I never understood my wife’s need for “alone time”. But I came to recognise it was her recharge time. Extroverts get recharged simply by being with other people. So it’s the opposites thing again.

When I was going through my stuff on occasions in my marriage I had the thought that if I cannot take care of my most fundamental core needs how on Earth can I take care of anyone else’s?

So get yourself some alone time and make it a regular thing. It’s good to have it in the home which having experienced it is I think the best place but go for second best if it’s not possible.

One things for certain, the world you leave while you are spending time alone is not going to collapse. In fact it may get somewhat better simply because you where not there when you could have been.
 
#20 ·
NG, being extroverted I never understood my wife’s need for “alone time”. But I came to recognise it was her recharge time. Extroverts get recharged simply by being with other people. So it’s the opposites thing again.
Everybody must be different then. My husband is definetely introverted but he Never needs this " alone time" being talked about on here. He is just a simple Home Buddy, prefers this over going out, partying & other excitement. The less people the better, but always family.

If your wife is not able to keep up at home considering her painful condition, this will be REALLY tough on YOU & the family. Sounds like the kids already feel Mom is not pulling her weight and that has become an issue. You might have to sit down and be a little tough on the kids -if they are more capable & ask more of them.

My husband only works 40 hrs- unless some extra overtime comes along. I do everything at home so when he comes home there is nothing to do at all -other than things I can not physically do. I want us to have total free time for anything when he is done at work. That is MY rule. My house would probably be a little cleaner if I got off this forum ! LOL

In our house, to make time "for him", sad to say, but MY kids have gotten the shaft now. WHere it used to be the other way around. You can't please everyone! Only so much time in the day.

I used to be more focused on them, now they are on the backburner . I figure they play with each other (and FIGHT!). I always let them have friends over all the time, throw BIG parties, bonfires for them, what more can they ask for! Who wants to play with Mom & Dad anyway!! Maybe once a week we'll play a game with them. He helps them with homework and I take care of all of their "needs", cooking their meals, buying what they need, after school activities, Birthday party going, etc etc.

Sounds like you are REALLY close to your kids? Do they need you as much as you feel they NEED you? That is the question.
 
#24 ·
NG, I have never been a drug user but now *I'm* thinking weed and alcohol are sounding good! ;0

Jogging, esp. trail jogging, has become my "me" time. I focus on breathing and it feels meditative. I also do a very moderate route, and never push. It's about fresh air and exercise; I'm not trying to become the next fitness supermodel (BTDT). After a jog I feel soooooo relaxed. The trick is not to get caught up in becoming a runner. I'm not knocking that at all; I'm just saying that simple jogging without adding an agenda to it can be very good, too, and I've found I like it better. But if it doesn't feel like "me" time to you, then it may not combine two of the things you need for yourself, which is what I was suggesting you try to do.
 
#25 ·
NG, I have never been a drug user but now *I'm* thinking weed and alcohol are sounding good! ;0

Jogging, esp. trail jogging, has become my "me" time. I focus on breathing and it feels meditative. I also do a very moderate route, and never push. It's about fresh air and exercise; I'm not trying to become the next fitness supermodel (BTDT). After a jog I feel soooooo relaxed. The trick is not to get caught up in becoming a runner.
I think what I am reading here sounds like a meditative run, run in the moment experiencing the moment without the clutter of the GOAL. This strikes me as a really good way to combine the benefits of exercise, fresh air and mindful meditation as well as quiet alone time. Go, sister.
 
#28 ·
I forgot to mention that also, while at the library, I'll check out 4 or 5 Judo/martial arts books. These are the books that will make it into reading basket in the bathroom and actually get looked at!

Both girls and I were doing this two nights a week, so it somewhat counted as family time AND exercise. Youngest daughter has decided to drop out and do something different - which is probably good for a few reasons.

Not sure that this is "meditative" like jogging, but it certainly relieves stress, is helping me get into better shape, gives a sense of accomplishment, and counts towards "family" time.
 
#36 ·
NG,
Is your W consistently doing the "lifestyle" things that help her feel better: diet, exercise, sleep, etc. ?

This is often the paradox of CFS/fibromyalgia - the "more" you do of the right things the better you feel. The less you do the worse you feel physically and the more depressed you become.

We bought the "WII fit plus" for Christmas. It is fun and way better for us than the 2 hours of tv we were watching at night.
 
#33 ·
NG. Sometimes life is a bit like this:

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


I found it was the things in my life that I would not tolerate that brought about the biggest change and defined exactly who I am at my very core. But I let it get to the situation where it was actually “impossible” for me to tolerate any more. I would have been a gibbering wreck of a man if I had.

Your N.U.T.s. once you have them! will define who you are both to yourself and others around you. But don’t be like me and get to the point where you cannot take any more. At least declare 3 N.U.T.s. before it does and use that as a learning process for both you and your family.
 
#35 ·
Your N.U.T.s. once you have them! will define who you are both to yourself and others around you. But don’t be like me and get to the point where you cannot take any more. At least declare 3 N.U.T.s. before it does and use that as a learning process for both you and your family.
Thanks Bob.

So does this mean another book recommendation (Holding onto your N.U.Ts.)?
 
#48 ·
Sometimes I am wondering if those women who tire their husbands know about this: It is their responsibility to look after their men, it is important for their men to be healthy. their stable life comes from their exhausted husbands, if somethings happens to their husbands, their life will be shattered.

Nagging, whining, *****ing, complaining, high expectation can all add stress on their men, and all these can have bad effects on their men's health.

Not sharing chores can tire their men out, our body is like a computer, can't be over used. We need time to recharge, if we over use our body now, it only means we break sooner. When you don't have good health, you have nothing.

I always shake my head when I see women treat their husbands poorly. In my opinion, women can live longer because their don't work as much as men do, and they don't get nagged like men do. I doubt it is because their genes.
 
#49 ·
Studies have shown time and time again the reason why women live longer than men....regular doctor visits. It has nothing to do with not working as hard or not being *****ed at, it has to do with women getting regular checkups and stopping the medical issues before they become larger problems. A fence at the top of the hill vs. an ambulance at the bottom if you will.
 
#57 ·
NiceGuy, is there any way your wife could, or would be interested in, picking up some freelance work on the side? It might give her something to do that was challenging, and she might enjoy it and feel proud for making a contribution. This is also the type of work that you can do sitting at a desk or lying down. It's also great because you take on as much work as you can handle; if you need a break, you can take one. You can write 1 article per month or hundreds. It's very flexible.
 
#58 ·
She should be doing something. Another option would be to do some volunteer work.

Part of her problem is that she is VERY social - but she doesn't feel good and is depressed, so she doesn't leave the house. I believe that's what lead to all of the online attention seeking.

I honestly think that she's afraid to try anything for fear of failing. I know that she couldn't do a 12 hour night shift, and I'm not sure that she should be giving out medications if she's not feeling 100% sharp. But there's gotta to be something in between 12 hour shifts and sitting on a laptop doing little to nothing all day - some happy medium.

I would even be happy if she embraced the stay-at-home mom role. We are doing "ok" financially. But she truly doesn't seem to get the same joy from being around the kids that she used to get. And it might not satisfy her need for social interaction - although she could get involved with things at school.

She gets very emotional any time I've tried to talk to her about this type of thing. And I usually back off without really pushing.

Brennan - don't care what you and your fancy studies say. You women kill us - very, very slowly. And we KNOW it!!! We just haven't figured out how quite yet...
 
#59 ·
NG,

Depressed people are selfish, they only think about themselves. They are not happy because they focus too much on themselves.

If they think more about others, and do more things for others, they don't have so much time feeling sorry for themselves.

They have too much time, and they focus too much on negative things, they don't have energy because they exhaust their energy feeling sad. When people are sad, never expect them to do anything!

I don't know what your wife is thinking. From your posts, I don't think her health issue prevents her from doing anything.

Maybe taking her to a church would help her. Get more spiritual food, and start thinking more about others and do more things for others.
 
#63 ·
VT - I'm really just kidding. If I had to guess, I would say that I will probably live longer than my wife. Just a hunch.

My wife quit going to church several years ago, but the kids and I still go sometimes. This was my wife's childhood church and when I go, I sit next to my in-laws.

My wife got upset with the way a female pastor was treated after she spoke out at a conference in favor of gay marriage. She saw an ugly side to some good people she'd known her whole life. The pastor resigned as a result of the conflict.

She's also admitted that she is mad at God for giving her fibro while also questioning his existence.

On a small but positive note, she "friended" our pastor on FB yesterday.
 
#66 ·
NG,

I don't believe in GOD's existence either, but I know clearly that there is a lot for us to learn in the Bible. I read the whole Bible twice, underlined all the scriptures I find great, I changed a lot. It teaches us to understand about ourselves and people around us. It teaches us to be humble and be loving. It teaches us to more giving and less complaining! Sometimes other people cause us stumble, but it shows that we are still too naive about people.

We study the Bible to refine ourselves, to have a better understanding about this life, to have a more peaceful mind about this life, not because of paradise or heaven.
 
#65 ·
Our church does a lot of good community service activities and basically survives on fundraisers. I take my kids so that they can be exposed to that sort of "giving" or charity. Overall its a good group of people to expose my children to.

If they happen to pick something up from the sermon from time to time, then that's alright too.
 
#67 ·
My son goes to church every Sunday, churches are still good places for children to grow up. I don't worry about my son, he is becoming a wonderful boy. Mature and responsible. The Bible teaches us to be good people. We want to be good people. And the Bible sets a lot of good boundaries for us. We stay in the circle, we have a safe life, we stay out of the circle, we face dangers. The moral standards in the Bible are really something we want our kids to have.

We just need to be careful that we can still think for ourselves! Don't let people influence us!
 
#71 ·
NG, there is always a ton more work during the holidays not only b/c of holiday festivities, but b/c everyone is home making messes all day! I'm sure you understand why stay at home moms are cheering on the street corners that first day "back to school" in the fall? God, you love 'em and you miss 'em, but MAN are they a lot of work! Wouldn't have it any other way, of course.
 
#73 ·
Why do people feel depressed?

Some people are depressed because their life isn't the way they wanted.

Some people are depressed because of being hurt in the past.

Some people are depressed because of losing loved ones( one good reason)

Some people are depressed because they are bored, they have nothing to do!

Why aren't busy people depressed? They just don't have time to feel sorry for themselves!
 
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