Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - husband of 22 yrs affair with co-worker

mammamo · 01-10-2011, 02:56 PM

Gosh, where do I start?

Looking back, I suspected an affair 10 yrs ago with my 5YO Sunday School teacher, but couldn't prove anything. Since children, he has steadily withdrawn. He, a youngest child, never learning to take care of anyone but himself. Never having to share anything, including attention. Me, one of 8, right in the middle. Life with him has always been about him. What he wants, where HE wants to go, how HE doesn't get enough attention. I have worked since my kids were 6 weeks old, and the sole diaper changer, meal maker, laundry doer, bill payer, grocery shopper, homework helper, painter, dishwasher installer.... he goes to the gym every saturday, mows the lawn, washes his car... sometimes mine.

Life in this house has been a battle. He's angry all the time, no one can ever quite reach the target, because he keeps it juuuust out of reach. Yes, he is OCD and a control freak.
If there is nothing obviously available to become angry over, he seeks out conflict because it makes him feel authoritative. I have tried to suggest counseling, I've painted and repainted walls in this house hoping the new color would be better for his moods, I spent $5k on a garage "mancave" with my own sweat and he got pissed off because I didn't consult him first. SInce marriage, he's bought 4 brand new high end model trucks. I have had one, average equipped.

Fast forward to 12/20/2010: my 19yo daughter called him at work to share something special she created for him. He brushed her off and "thought" he'd hung up the phone. What she heard was him on his office line, having a very intimate and graphic conversation. She called me at home once the conversation ended, and asked if I was on the line with her dad. Of course I said no, that I hadn't talk to him since that morning. Needless to say, she starting crying, told me everything she'd heard. Since this was 4 days before Christmas, and had relatives coming in from out of town, we had no choice but to keep it to ourselves until after Christmas.
Well, we made it through, although I think I lost 8 lbs because I couldn't eat without getting sick. The day after Christmas, I told him I was taking our 16yo to the Urgent Care, because she was very sick, 103 fever that would not subside. He tells me he's going to the gym, then to the mall, and after that going to watch football with a guy from the gym. In my head, I knew. I knew where he was going, but I still had no proof. Got to the Urgent Care, they sent me to the ER because the suspected she had Pneumonia and is asthmatic. Well, it was pneumonia, in both lungs, so they put her on the nebulizer for 15 minutes. She texted her dad to let him know, but got no response. Assuming he was in the gym, I decided to wait and call him later. Called him at 9:30 to let him know it was pneumonia, and he responded that he was at the mall and was going to wait there for "Paul" to go watch football. I went and got her prescriptions filled, got her home and in bed, and searched his briefcase. Found a recept for a dozen pink roses to a woman, name address, phone number and all, with a not that said " MC, XOX I.M.Y. Love (his name)". I was devastated, floored, felt like someone sucked every ounce of breath out of me. My initial thought was what kind of inhumane person stands up his sick daughter to go be with his GF??? Well, he finally came home about 4:45 that afternoon, and I confronted him. First tried to deny it, but I told him the most pathetic thing is his daughter got to overhear his conversation!!
So he tells me it was only emotional for the past 5 months. Never had sex with her because he knew I would never forgive that. But does admit to other sexual acts. Really? I find it hard if not impossible to believe they did not have sexual intercourse, if he sent her flowers for Xmas eve delivery, and then ignored his sick daughter for a whole day to be with her. He says he wants to be here, and will not leave unless I kick him out. I couldn't leave because I'm not leaving my sick child there with him, and I can't drag her to a hotel either. SO I let him stay, but now I think I've lost about 15 lbs, can't stop shaking, and have no concentration at all. He is doing all the right things, but they don't seem genuine. I can almost feel the battle in his mind. Like me and the kids are the right thing to do, and I know his is sorry for hurting me, but I don't think this is where his heart is. Every time we are outside, he tried to kiss me and hug me, as if to tell the neighbors that every thing is fine. Took be to his parents house last night, because his dad wanted to talk to him in person, and his mom wanted to talk to me. Well, 2.5 hours of watching football, no talking, I feel like he was again trying to show his parents that they don't have to worry... everythings normal.

It's not. I don't feel normal. I love him, but dread the minute he walks in the door, and when he tries to touch me. We have counseling scheduled for this Thursday, but I don't think I want him here?? How can I get him to admit the whole truth?? I cannot go forward trying to rebuild a relationship based on a 1/2 truth.

01-10-2011, 02:56 PM	#1 (permalink)
mammamo Registered User Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 4	husband of 22 yrs affair with co-worker Gosh, where do I start? Looking back, I suspected an affair 10 yrs ago with my 5YO Sunday School teacher, but couldn't prove anything. Since children, he has steadily withdrawn. He, a youngest child, never learning to take care of anyone but himself. Never having to share anything, including attention. Me, one of 8, right in the middle. Life with him has always been about him. What he wants, where HE wants to go, how HE doesn't get enough attention. I have worked since my kids were 6 weeks old, and the sole diaper changer, meal maker, laundry doer, bill payer, grocery shopper, homework helper, painter, dishwasher installer.... he goes to the gym every saturday, mows the lawn, washes his car... sometimes mine. Life in this house has been a battle. He's angry all the time, no one can ever quite reach the target, because he keeps it juuuust out of reach. Yes, he is OCD and a control freak. If there is nothing obviously available to become angry over, he seeks out conflict because it makes him feel authoritative. I have tried to suggest counseling, I've painted and repainted walls in this house hoping the new color would be better for his moods, I spent $5k on a garage "mancave" with my own sweat and he got pissed off because I didn't consult him first. SInce marriage, he's bought 4 brand new high end model trucks. I have had one, average equipped. Fast forward to 12/20/2010: my 19yo daughter called him at work to share something special she created for him. He brushed her off and "thought" he'd hung up the phone. What she heard was him on his office line, having a very intimate and graphic conversation. She called me at home once the conversation ended, and asked if I was on the line with her dad. Of course I said no, that I hadn't talk to him since that morning. Needless to say, she starting crying, told me everything she'd heard. Since this was 4 days before Christmas, and had relatives coming in from out of town, we had no choice but to keep it to ourselves until after Christmas. Well, we made it through, although I think I lost 8 lbs because I couldn't eat without getting sick. The day after Christmas, I told him I was taking our 16yo to the Urgent Care, because she was very sick, 103 fever that would not subside. He tells me he's going to the gym, then to the mall, and after that going to watch football with a guy from the gym. In my head, I knew. I knew where he was going, but I still had no proof. Got to the Urgent Care, they sent me to the ER because the suspected she had Pneumonia and is asthmatic. Well, it was pneumonia, in both lungs, so they put her on the nebulizer for 15 minutes. She texted her dad to let him know, but got no response. Assuming he was in the gym, I decided to wait and call him later. Called him at 9:30 to let him know it was pneumonia, and he responded that he was at the mall and was going to wait there for "Paul" to go watch football. I went and got her prescriptions filled, got her home and in bed, and searched his briefcase. Found a recept for a dozen pink roses to a woman, name address, phone number and all, with a not that said " MC, XOX I.M.Y. Love (his name)". I was devastated, floored, felt like someone sucked every ounce of breath out of me. My initial thought was what kind of inhumane person stands up his sick daughter to go be with his GF??? Well, he finally came home about 4:45 that afternoon, and I confronted him. First tried to deny it, but I told him the most pathetic thing is his daughter got to overhear his conversation!! So he tells me it was only emotional for the past 5 months. Never had sex with her because he knew I would never forgive that. But does admit to other sexual acts. Really? I find it hard if not impossible to believe they did not have sexual intercourse, if he sent her flowers for Xmas eve delivery, and then ignored his sick daughter for a whole day to be with her. He says he wants to be here, and will not leave unless I kick him out. I couldn't leave because I'm not leaving my sick child there with him, and I can't drag her to a hotel either. SO I let him stay, but now I think I've lost about 15 lbs, can't stop shaking, and have no concentration at all. He is doing all the right things, but they don't seem genuine. I can almost feel the battle in his mind. Like me and the kids are the right thing to do, and I know his is sorry for hurting me, but I don't think this is where his heart is. Every time we are outside, he tried to kiss me and hug me, as if to tell the neighbors that every thing is fine. Took be to his parents house last night, because his dad wanted to talk to him in person, and his mom wanted to talk to me. Well, 2.5 hours of watching football, no talking, I feel like he was again trying to show his parents that they don't have to worry... everythings normal. It's not. I don't feel normal. I love him, but dread the minute he walks in the door, and when he tries to touch me. We have counseling scheduled for this Thursday, but I don't think I want him here?? How can I get him to admit the whole truth?? I cannot go forward trying to rebuild a relationship based on a 1/2 truth.