| | I think I am ruining my own relationship
I have posted on the site several times, but I mostly read as I get great information from the postings. I think I may be inadvertently ruining my own relationship. Some history: My husband and I have been married for 16 years and together for 21 years. About 18 years ago my H cheated and had a child the same age as our oldest. I forgave him and we move on in our relationship. In 2008, my H left his phone in the bathroom, something in my gut said look at his texts (I have never check his phone before, or the phone bill) well he had a lot of texts from someone name ďmonsterĒ so I wrote the number down but didnít get time to read the text message because he came in looking for his phone. The following day I decided to look at the most recent phone bill to see if this number appeared. It was there, they had called each other over 300 times within a month with some calls lasting up to 2 hours at times. So I called the number and got the voice mail, the number belong to the mother of his child. I then begin checking the remainder of past phone bills to see how long this have been going on. It appears the calls started 6 months prior to me finding out; I could not check texts as our bill donít track individual texts. As it turns out they had been talking to each other every day maybe 5 and six times a day. They would get on the phone at 1am and stay on until 4am. When I confronted him, he said he was talking to her to ask her to drop child support. He must thought I was stupid that he think I would believe that. I ask him to move out but he begged me to work on our marriage and so I agreed to try. Well I decided to take a deeper look at his phone bill and found out he was also on the phone with another one of his ex-girlfriends during the same timeframe. He would hang up with the baby mother and then get right on the phone with the ex girlfriend or vice versa. In all this I got very little explanation and then he started blaming me for cheating, which I have never done.
In the last 2-1/2 years this have been eating me alive, and itís been festering to the point that itís turning into hate. I truly canít stand him, I hate to see him come and it irritates me if he touches me in a sexual manner. But for some reason a part of me donít want to end the relationship. I donít want to start over in another relationship because it all seems to be the same cycle and I donít want to grow old alone.
I guess my questions are:
How do I let go of the hurt?
How do I trust him although I know he is a compulsive liar?
Why am I holding on to this for so long?