Join Date: Jan 2011
| | After 3 years, I'm still not over him.
First of all I’ll start by saying this is going to be relatively long, but after 3 years, I just don’t know what else to do, where else to turn. I'll admit I am the other woman, and I know that won't win me any friends on here. But I am hoping to hear from anyone who may have been in a simlar situation and how they coped.
It all started when I was 19. I left uni and got this great job. It was well paying and something I was really excited about doing. My current boyfriend (we lived together) at the time was very abusive and for that reason, I spent all the time I could at work or with my family. I never went home if I didn’t have to. After about 2 months at my new job, I started to fall for a workmate. I’m one of those people who falls hard and fast. I knew he was married with a child and so intended to keep my feelings to myself and just continue a good friendship with him and admire him from afar. But I found myself swapping into certain shifts so I would run into him. One afternoon when we were hanging out after work, he says to me: ”would you like to be more than friends?” Without thinking I said “YES!!” because I was so into him. He had previously told me that he had not had sex with his wife in 12 months, the last time being on their wedding night. I figured there must be an issue with his marriage, and he was intending to divorce his wife. I guess it was bad judgement that skewed my common sense and told me that accepting his offer was ok. I know that’s not necessarily the case, but I figured it was him who initiated things with me, and he was the one who was hitched. As a 19 year old, you don’t have much life experience and you don’t understand marriage. I shouldn’t carry all the blame, but trust me, for a long time, I have copped ALL the blame.
So we proceeded to have our affair. It was hot, it was passionate and it was filled with so much love, It was not like anything I had ever experienced before. Someone who genuinely cared about me, just wanted to see me and spend time with me. It was magic. For 2 months all we did was message each other constantly when we couldn’t be together, sappy love notes and telling each other how we couldn’t wait to move in together. He didn’t tell his wife right away, why, I’m not sure. Maybe it was to prevent the inevitable backlash. Maybe it was for the sake of their son. He got to the point that he didn’t care if his wife found out about us, as all he wanted was me. He introduced me to his son, we would sometimes watch movies together or go for a drive somewhere. It was eventually his son who mentioned my name to his wife. That’s how she found out. And understandably, she went nuts. She told him she wanted a divorce, told him to pack his stuff and go. Of course we didn’t care, he was free to see me as he pleased and we didn’t have to hide from anyone anymore. So we rented a house and moved in together. We lived together for about 4 months, 4 turbulent months. It started off great, we had nothing, but didn’t want anything. We only wanted each other. I knew I loved him, but I didn’t realise just how deep that love had grown inside me.
What I didn’t realise at the time was how f*cked up my head was from the abusive relationship with my ex. My ex would bash me, then tell me he loved me. I genuinely thought that if someone fought with me, they were showing me that they loved me. Of course, this transferred over into my new relationship/affair and I can only imagine I became the girlfriend from hell. I would start fights about god knows what, because I wanted the new guy to show me that he loved me. It wasn’t the ring or the bracelet or the time spent together that gave me the hint that he loved me, it was only when we fought did I think he was showing it. I was so wrong. And it tore us apart as you’d expect. I could feel and see him getting tired of my ways, to the point where I was on the ground, begging him to stay with me. I would grab onto his shirt, and not let go until it ripped right off him, just to keep him inside the house. The last thing I wanted was him to leave me, to go back to his wife. I loved him, more than I had ever loved anyone or anything.
I still don’t know why exactly he left me, but I gather it was a combination of me being a nutball, and the pressure from his wife saying “I’m going to get a divorce and get full custody of our son and you’ll never see him again”. I never expected to be the only importance in his life, I knew I could never stack up to a child, but I did want to be up there somewhere. In the end, he left and went back to his wife, citing to me that he was only going back for the benefit of his son, and that he did not love his wife. I remember him telling me that maybe when his son didn’t need him anymore, when he was older, maybe......
So after 6 months together, he went back home and left me in a huge, empty house. I didn’t know what to do. My stomach dragged around on the ground everywhere I went. I cried all day, cried all night. I remember lying in bed some nights, crying, but there were no tears. I had literally cried so much that there were no tears left to weep out. I didn’t even realise that could happen. I knew I had loved him, but I had no idea just how much. I guess it’s true, you don’t know what you have till it’s gone. I found going to work hard because I would run into him occasionally. I didn’t know whether to play the “Oh yeah, I’m doing fine, how are you?” card to look strong and confident and hopefully make him realise what he was missing, or whether to play the “I love you so much, can’t we please try and work it out”? Card to let him know I still really cared. When I didn’t run into him, I found myself looking at his roster to find what shifts he was on so I could purposely run into him. I wanted to be so in his face, in his world. I didn’t want him to forget me. I fell into such a deep, dark depression that my whole persona changed. I hated the person I had become. I had some of the darkest thoughts during those days. Thoughts that would scare children and adults alike. I felt like this black cloud hung over me constantly, just threatening to rain on me every second of the day. I would tell myself “If these feelings don’t go away in 2 months, I’m going fix it for good ”. (if you know what I mean...) But I never got the courage to. I would think about it constantly, think how I’d be happier just not being here, not feeling how I did. Every day was a struggle to get up. I would wake up and not open the curtains. I didn’t want to see a sunny bright world. There was no sun in mine. I started to hear from him less and less, he didn’t call in to check on how I was anymore, he wouldn’t read the letters I wrote him and he never called or text. I guess in reality he might not have been able to being back home with his wife, but even still, I told myself, if he had wanted to, he would have found a way like he had before.
I didn’t know what to do to get my mind off him. I tried everything. I tried calling in sick at work so I could stay in bed and cry all day, watching sappy love movies. It didn’t work. I tried drawing and creating art to express my dark moods and the pain in my heart. It didn’t work. I tried volunteering my time at animal shelters and community organisations to keep busy and keep my mind off him, but it didn’t work. I tried talking to some of his friend, who knew how in love we had been, but it didn’t work. They sympathised with me but admitted there was nothing they could do. I have tried climbing hills and mountains, overlooking some of the most beautiful landscape and screaming at the top of my lungs, falling to the ground in a heap and crying like I needed to expel tears to breathe. But no, nothing works. I still thought about him all day every day. What he was doing, who he was doing it with, when would I hear from him again if ever? Did he still feel the same way about me? Why and how could he stop caring, just like that? When would I get over him and feel normal again?
Recently I found out that him and his wife and son went on a holiday overseas. Now it may be selfish of me, but a piece of me literally died inside when I heard that. After all this time thinking one day I might be in with a chance with him again, it looked like they has reconciled and were trying to make their marriage work. Even though I had no right, no say, It felt like he was betraying me. All of a sudden I had thought that maybe he wasn’t just there for his son anymore, maybe he actually wanted the marriage to work out? Maybe it was working out. Nowdays, when I see him and ask how he is going, the answer is always “Yeah, good”. Not the “Oh you know, the same, nothing ever changes”. That I used to get.
I’m now about to turn 23 and I had no idea that 3 years later I would still be in the same place, still feeling the same intense feelings. I see him occasionally but I never get the feeling or vibe that he is interested in me anymore. I try telling myself that he is just keeping distance for his sons sake, but deep down I wonder, maybe he really doesn’t feel anything for me anymore... There has not been one day that has gone by in the last 3 years that I have not thought about him multiple times. He consumes my thoughts. I have dated 4 or so other people since him and I just can’t give myself to them completely. Even though this guy doesn’t want it, he still has such a huge piece of my heart that I just can’t give to anyone else. I don’t want to feel like this still, I’m sick of hurting and spontaneously bawling into tears but I just don’t know what to do. People say "Oh your only young, you'll find the right one!" But he WAS the right one. He was the ONLY one.
They say time heals all wounds, but seriously, how much time can I possibly need?!