Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - I need Female Insight!
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post #1 of (permalink) Old 02-11-2011, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 9
I need Female Insight!

Okay, here goes. I don't have much experience with message boards but I had no one else to talk to or help get this off my chest.

5 years ago I met a young woman who I quickly fell in love with. Things were amazing from the outset. Several months into our whirlwind courtship see revealed a very personal secret to me that she had yet to tell anyone else but her mother and best friend. She had just had an abortion (early term, 4 weeks along) the month before she met me. She wanted to tell me this because she was having very strong feelings for me but didn't want it to be a shock down the road and wanted to see what I felt.

The man involved with that pregnancy was an old college boyfriend of hers who she saw off and on over the course of a 5 year period. They had dated very seriously while in college and then he graduated and made his way into the NFL as a back up (eventually to get cut a few years later and become a regular joe like the rest of us) but during that time they broke up because of his new lifestyle and distance but would continue to see each other a few times a year. It was during one of these times that the pregnancy occured.

She knew he didn't want to commit to her and he was in the middle of pursuing his professional football career. So she made a decision to have an abortion and never tell him. A few months later she met me and that's where this story begins.

I told her that I had a past as well and that I wasn't interested in worrying about whatever decisions she had made before she met me. That I was a big boy and we could make a fresh start together. We fell in love and dated for about a year when we started talking about marriage.

It was around this time that a mention of the man's name above caused me to wonder if some type of communication between the two of them was going on again. I did a little investigating and found some Myspace conversations between the two of them. Nothing at all shocking, just a little Q and A. Still, having the feelings I did for her, I told her I knew they were communicating and she apologized saying that before she moved any further with me she wanted to settle things between the two of them. I said I didn't see how bringing up the abortion to him, something he had no idea about, was going to bring her any peace of mind and that now that she was with me she should move forward in that direction. If she truly chose me then lets let the past be the past. She agreed and sent the guy an email that basically said she wanted to end any further communication with him, she had met someone and she was ready to move on with her life. I was happy.

A year later we were married with our first child on the way, another year goes by, another child, 2 more years and here we are today, 5 years after we first started dating.

And I notice on Facebook that my wife has "Friend Requested" this gentleman. I ask her why. She says she heard he had had a child in the last year and even though I wouldn't understand she wanted to see what the child looked like. I suppose because she always wanted to know what her child may have looked like. I told her we now had our own children and that although I could see why she wanted to open that door it was probably best that she didn't. Needless to say the guy never accepted her friend request anyway. And then the bombshell. This past Monday I found this message in her Facebook Inbox from the guy - "I've sat here looking @ this screen 4 20 mins trying 2 decide what 2 write.... I know that you sent me a friend request a while back & I never accepted. The reason that I did chose not 2 accept your friend request was because of the last email that u wrote 2 me on myspace. So I was VERY confused when you sent me a friend request on fb. I still have no idea @ all what I'm trying 2 say, but I realize that I can't hold a grudge.... I know I'm not completely over what u said n the email u sent, but Ive let it go (if that makes any sense). I am in no shape, form or fashion trying 2 DISRESPECT ANY1 @ all & I hope that this email is in no way seen as an attempt to "pursue" you b/c is not the case @ all.... Just speaking from the heart. I do not expect you 2 respond 2 this & I do not expect 2 care about anything that was said in this email. Just felt it was time 2 say what I felt I had 2 say. Take care!"

and in reply she wrote this back - "Thank you for this message. I appreciate ur honesty. I apologize for any confusion or hurt feelings. You are a friend from my past that I respect and just so happened to have strong feelings for. Once I saw a post from u on my brother's wall, I decided to send u a request. The myspace message probably seemed harsh...should have reworded it. I felt I couldn't move forward with my relationship with my husband (then boyfriend) with lingering thoughts of you. So I said what I said for me thinking you really didn't care either way.

That being said...I have no hard feelings towards you...and I wish you no ill will.

Hope the family is doing well.


and in reply to her message he extended his email address to her. I immediately checked her email and found nothing between the two of them. But today I remembered another email account she had and decided to check it... and this is what I found from her to him - "Sigh...I really hate having to write this...let me gather my
thoughts before I say something I would regret. Just so much to say
and not quite sure if it's even necessary at this point.
You are still very much in the back of my mind. There is not a day
that goes by where something doesn't remind me of u. It's the myspace message derived from those feelings.

I'll have to get back to you to finish this message..."

I didn't find any other messages, not sure if there have been subsequent ones or not. but now I feel like someone punched me in the stomach.

All along I've known that deep down she has always loved this man and she has always longed for him to want her the way she wanted him. But it was never meant to be. I remember early in our dating she made the comment to me "Sometimes you don't get what you want, you get what you need" and I knew at that moment that in her eyes that meant the one she wanted was him, but the one she needed was me. And that has always ate away at me. I know I can't measure up to this guy in certain ways. He was her first true love (not her first first) but he had a charisma about him, he played NFL football, and, I know this supposedly isn't that big a deal but the word is he is very blessed below the belt and so on and so on.

So here at sit, I love this woman, she really is a great wife and mother, and we are great friends as well. It just crushes me to know that I will never fully be the one she wants and that he will always have a piece of her heart. I want my wife to love me and me alone. Is that so wrong? I know what she went through is something she will never forget and that I shouldn't have know when she told me about this from the outset of our relationship that that could have been a red flag.

My question is this... how do you all interpret this situation and what should I do? Confront her about this? Let it go? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated...

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