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swedish · 11-10-2008, 12:33 PM

When my husband had an emotional affair a year ago, I did confide in my sister. In hindsight, I did have some regrets because my husband and I decided to work things out and I worried she would think of him in a bad light. I should have given her the benefit of doubt, however, because she treats him the same as always and in the end only wants my happiness so all is good there. I did tell my husband I talked to her and (I was suicidal at the time) he was very understanding and glad that I did for me (although he did feel awkward seeing her initially).

One reason it helps to keep family out of marital matters is that your family will usually back you 100% and are only hearing one side of things and are biased. They also want your happiness and may encourage you to get out when it doesn't need to get to that. They are not there for the intimate conversations and if your husband does show remorse and you do see him upset with his behavior and have reason to believe he wants to work on being a better husband your family won't be there to see that part. They just know what he did and that he did it to someone they love. I did make a point to let my sister know the positive things that followed and what was going on in our marriage at that time that got him to that point (no excuse but I wanted her to know where I was coming from & that I thought things through)

I would definitely ask your sisters not to say anything to him about it. It will not help your marriage to do so. It meant a lot to me that my husband was more concerned with my well-being than with feeling embarrassed that she knew but if you have concerns that your husband would worry more about what the affect of telling them has on him, I don't know that I would let him know. You will know if/when the time is right.

I don't really understand what your sister was saying. My husband said a smiliar thing to 'I got carried away'...'once it started it was like a freight train...I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop it' Yep, it hurts but again the excitement of a cheap thrill takes over and it seems boundaries go out the window. Because of this, my husband has tightened his own boundaries when it comes to friendships at work with women so he won't put himself in this situation again.

11-10-2008, 12:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
swedish Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Near Chicago Posts: 2,521	Re: my hubby and my friend on msn.... When my husband had an emotional affair a year ago, I did confide in my sister. In hindsight, I did have some regrets because my husband and I decided to work things out and I worried she would think of him in a bad light. I should have given her the benefit of doubt, however, because she treats him the same as always and in the end only wants my happiness so all is good there. I did tell my husband I talked to her and (I was suicidal at the time) he was very understanding and glad that I did for me (although he did feel awkward seeing her initially). One reason it helps to keep family out of marital matters is that your family will usually back you 100% and are only hearing one side of things and are biased. They also want your happiness and may encourage you to get out when it doesn't need to get to that. They are not there for the intimate conversations and if your husband does show remorse and you do see him upset with his behavior and have reason to believe he wants to work on being a better husband your family won't be there to see that part. They just know what he did and that he did it to someone they love. I did make a point to let my sister know the positive things that followed and what was going on in our marriage at that time that got him to that point (no excuse but I wanted her to know where I was coming from & that I thought things through) I would definitely ask your sisters not to say anything to him about it. It will not help your marriage to do so. It meant a lot to me that my husband was more concerned with my well-being than with feeling embarrassed that she knew but if you have concerns that your husband would worry more about what the affect of telling them has on him, I don't know that I would let him know. You will know if/when the time is right. I don't really understand what your sister was saying. My husband said a smiliar thing to 'I got carried away'...'once it started it was like a freight train...I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop it' Yep, it hurts but again the excitement of a cheap thrill takes over and it seems boundaries go out the window. Because of this, my husband has tightened his own boundaries when it comes to friendships at work with women so he won't put himself in this situation again.