sbbs

As some of you might remember, I left my husband in early October. We're not yet legally divorced, and we probably won't be for at least the next 4 months or so.

In the meantime, I've managed to end up with a painful, absurd, ridiculous crush on one of the guys at work. It's pretty torturous.

And it's really pathetic. I feel like some disgusting, predatory cougar for even thinking of him. The guy is 11 years younger than I am. Eleven! Why the hell does he have to be effortlessly, naturally sexy as hell? Not to mention that he's super-smart, seems genuinely nice, has had a very interesting life, and can be completely hilarious once he gets going.

I have to see the guy three days a week. And we're working on a group project together. That means I'm going to see him at least once a week over lunch from this week through mid-June. I think I might die of cardiac arrest before then.

I don't have a prayer of being with him. I know that. For one thing, he lives very far away from me--about 2.5 hours away. And he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend I suspect he's not always so happy with, but a girlfriend nonetheless. And, of course, he's not going to go for me, when he could probably take his pick of beautiful women in their early to mid-20s.

And it doesn't even make sense for me to want to date him! I'm not even divorced yet! I'm absolutely not ready to date. I know that. But damned if I don't think of it every time I see him, especially if he hasn't shaved that morning, or is wearing a shirt that shows off his arms, or lets me see a tiny bit of his chest, or has a collar that shows off the soft space where his neck meets his shoulders. Damn!

I try my best not to let on how I feel. I avoid eye contact (but force myself to meet his eyes whenever we talk). During meetings, I sit far away from him and walk out after he leaves, etc. Sometimes we end up chatting in the hall, or on the street, anyway, though. I try not to simper too much or fiddle with my hair.

We have a weekly meeting on Mondays that lets out at 5:30. We sometimes go out for dinner, if everyone's up for it. On Monday, he and I were the only ones who wanted to go. He seemed happy enough about going with just me, but I ducked out quickly. I saw a Radio Shack across the street and said I needed a replacement cell phone battery and stuff, and that I'd see him later. He looked a little disappointed, confused, and vaguely offended.

A cell phone battery?! A cell phone battery?! That's the best I could come up with? Jesus, I'm pathetic. What the hell is wrong with me?! I ducked into the store and waited for my heart rate to steady itself out. Then I actually bought a battery, just so that I could somehow justify squirming out of a dinner I'd been so desperate to have. My battery's working fine. What the hell was I thinking?!

I know that if I had gone to dinner with him, I probably would have ended up giggling and saying incredibly stupid things. It would have been incredibly embarrassing. I know it's for the best that I ducked out, but I still feel really, really dumb. And now the guy probably thinks that I have some sort of problem with him. After all, I don't talk to him much, I always sit far away from him, and now I've ducked out of dinner on a flimsy excuse, even though I was eager to go when it looked like there would be a group of us.

Help! How do I stop feeling like this? I really don't want to be so hung up on anyone, especially not now. If I could take a pill and make all of this go away, I would, in a heartbeat.

I'd be very, very grateful for any suggestions you may have.

Oh, and, in case you're wondering--the crush didn't start until long after I'd left my husband. So, no, I didn't leave my marriage for a crush on a much younger, obviously completely unattainable man.