Sprite

He is willing to change and has a LOT. One of our dreams when we first got together was to have a farm. Now we are looking at moving out of state and getting me "that horse farm I always wanted". But how sincere is it? He keeps telling me he will go anywhere with me, but I sometimes feel like I am using him now to get where we should have been years ago. I want to move and have wanted to for years...but he wasnt ready...he couldnt leave his racing partner behind...now he is ready....Why now?

And no I dont have contempt for whatever verbal encounter we are about to have. But I do not expect to be questioned when I am walking down the hallway of my own house as to what my intentions are.

And I do not believe I have become a self-fulfilling prophet to my feelings of being smothered. I am assuming by you saying this you are asking if I am bringing it on myself so to speak. That I am not really being smothered but only I feel that way. That is not the case. When you tell someone you need some space and time to heal..does that mean you need to stand over their shoulder all the time, or that you can come home early from work everyday? The man has not worked a full day in I dont know how long...I just want time for me without worrying that I need to go do something because he is home. When he is home all the time, he makes me feel like I have to be doing something that he will approve of.

The adjustments he has made in the past have been small and do not last long. He even admitted to me that when he used to apologize for things..he never really meant it....he was just saying it to passify the situation. So how do I know he isnt doing that this time?

Yes..I have some walls up and I am not entirely sure I want to let them down for him.

Yes he has always tried before, but it never lasted. It was only met with another broken promise that things will change and they end up going back to what they were...but just a new venue.

How do I get over the things that can't be changed? Those were the things that put this wall up.

Make a list...hmmm, do you want me to make a list here or just for me? cuz I already have my list for me and its pretty long. I was always able to talk myself in and out of feelings because I felt I had to in order to keep going and keep everyone around me happy. I let way too many things just roll off my back, but I cant seem to do that anymore.

Little things like when I was pregnant and had ONE craving for a butterfinger candy bar....he didnt have time to stop on his way home..so my brother in law went out and got me one. Like being told "you arent allowed to have post partum depression" not that I did...but the way it was said made me scared to death if I did. I have had bouts of depression and it hasnt been pretty..I was scared to death to tell him when I was diagnosed, but of course went off my meds which made me feel great, but he didnt like who I was when i was taking them. Like when you have 2 kids in diapers in the middle of winter asking him to pick up a gallon of milk on his way home...NOPE, not enough time, he had to get out to his race car. Like expecting dinner on the table only to scoff it down in front of the tv then rush of to the race shop. Like expecting the air conditioning to be on on a 75 degree day when he wasnt even in the house...guess where he was? yep..in his race shop. little things like not knowing his boys knew how to throw a football until they 2 years ago..they didnt learn it from him. I used to be able to hide my feelings from him because I always dreaded talking to him about anything important...he always seemed to find a way to turn it around and I felt bad I had negative feelings about anything. Like him never being able to take blame for anything he did wrong..it was always the fault of someone or something else. Like never listening to me when i had an idea...but when his mother thought of the same idea...it was great. Like him expecting me to be at the race track when they raced..but didnt let me drive my boys by myself...so I always had to find someone to go with us unless I wanted to be there for 14 hours which was not my idea of fun. Like getting kicked out ofyour own garage cuz you ask too many questions....so many little things...they may not seem much to anyone else..but when added all up it makes for a great wall.

And yes I know the other guy is a problem, I am working on that.