Ok,
I need advice, I have a new marriage and am facing some real uphill battles.
I will give the background information the best that I can.
First- the Us
Me- 39, Sales Director, small town boy, grew up on a farm, hunts, fishes, and is a big history geek. Divorced because ex wife left and cheated.
Her- 38, Attorney, From DC, over achiever, prefers the finer things in life, very responsible and highly respected in her field. Divorced because husband cheated, or she thinks he did, and did not want to have sex with her for the last year of thier marriage- red light that one! and then told her he didnt want to have kids with her, when she planned on such and had bought the house for such- she is a very linear person- he wanted to stay married- cash cow, duh- but would not agree to kids and she figures he was cheating, so that was that.
This is the second marriage for both of us. I have two kids from my first marriage, one who is 18 and a girl who is 9. The 9 yr old lives with us one week, and one week with her mom.
My wife has no kids, was always a career first person, over achiever and to be honest, I feel a workaholic as compared to my laid back country attitude- however I am extremely successful, and both of us make over six figures.
My wife is very liberal in political views, does not like religion at all, and is, and she admits this- very non emotional for a woman.
Funny thing is, she wasn't like this at first, but more about that latter.
I am very conservative, family first guy who goes to church and sends his daughter to a private Christian school.
And tend to be more emotional than most guys, trying always to figure out what I can can do to make those I love lives better.
We both took the personality test, and she came out "the General" and I the "social philosopher"
So we are two completley different birds!
The problems have really started in the last few weeks. You see when I met my wife, I moved in with her in DC, with the whole city crowd, and drove 2-3 hours each way to work each and every day to my office and to see my daughter.
Since my wife works from home, she agreed to move closer to my work and daughter, and my daughters school.
We moved Nov 1- from Washington DC to near the Harpers Ferry Area. Since then I have heard nothing but anger at the fact there is "nothing to do", "everything is so far", there is no diversity, and she hates ********.
Her friends all are in DC, tried to get her to make new ones, but she is not interested as "women up here have nothing in common with her".
Now her friends are giving her guilt trips about moving away- as they are mostly the workaholic single type, her family is telling her I want her to change into a "*******" and she should not have moved from DC where all the "important people are"
Keep in mind I moved her into a much bigger house- 6000 sq, brand new, top of the line in the best development where all the other professionals live to make her comfortable.
I would have prefered to move back to the family farm I own, but understood what she needed to be happy.
Never even mentioned that.
Now with all the pressure from her parents and friends, my once charming and caring wife is cold and never wants to have sex, never wants to "talk about issues" as she says it wears her out and she is sick of talking about it. Said she had no choice but to move, for my daughter's sake, and that not to worry, we are married and we will stay together, because we are married.
When I want is for her to be the loving wife she once was, caring and compassionate.
So I do all I can for her- make sure her coffee is made int he morning when I leave for work - I leave about an hour before she gets up- make sure to leave her a little note telling her how much I love her ( always have done that) and make sure the electric fireplace is on in her office so it is nice and toasty in there for her.
Everything she asks I bend over backwards to do, givng her everything I can, and now she tells me it exhausts her that I do so, and that the best thing I could do is do nothing.
She used to say she loved all the things I did for her, that I would sit and listen and talk about us and our feelings, but now she no longer wants that.
Says her work stresses her, and now I do, and her parents and friends, and that she cannot make us all happy, and its becoming too much of a job, so she takes no pleasure in it.
I stopped asking for sex, as it has become "mercy sex" and when we took the "his needs her needs test" sex and touching is what I need most, and now she has taken that away, while for her she needs stuff done for her and stability.
I have and do continue to do everything I can for her.
If it was not for my daughter staying with us this week I would have told her I need some time to get away to think, and moved out for a few days..... I am beginning not to want to even come home, and when I am there I stress all the time that something will happen that will make her upset.
But I do not want to make my daughter upset, nor my wife, as she says all along it would be better for me if I left her, that I would be more happy.
I think she is one depressed person, and needs help. She is the most beautiful woman, successful and somehow I feel her self esteem causes a good many issues.
We are both fit, good looking people ( not bragging, just background) and get along wonderfully whenever outside influences do not cause her stress, but when they do, I am the target of the anger, every time.
I am scared to be honest, and do not want to lose her, but I am starting to go nuts, as it seems nothing will ever make her happy, and I know she gets this from her mom who called her last night and told her she was fat - size 6- and that by living with the "********" that she was getting fat, and was not the daughter she raised, and then told her the only reason she was fat was because of the way I eat, and that I want her to be fat so I can cheat on her and she can't find someone else....and that my whole family was "fat ********" - not really, they are well to do country people....holy cow that was a mess...
She proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine, get slammed, cried all night, and told me my life would be better if she died...another holy crap moment.
She is hung over today, and doesnt want to talk about it at all, tells me just to let it go.
I am lost- I did call her dad and talked with him about what was said about my wife and myself, and told him that his wife needed to call my wife and apologize, as the hurtful statements were just wrong. Was polite, but firm.
This is a mess, not sure where or what to start on, right now I feel like moving into my office and hiding under my desk.
Anyone have any idea what my next step might be?
Thanks,
I need advice, I have a new marriage and am facing some real uphill battles.
I will give the background information the best that I can.
First- the Us
Me- 39, Sales Director, small town boy, grew up on a farm, hunts, fishes, and is a big history geek. Divorced because ex wife left and cheated.
Her- 38, Attorney, From DC, over achiever, prefers the finer things in life, very responsible and highly respected in her field. Divorced because husband cheated, or she thinks he did, and did not want to have sex with her for the last year of thier marriage- red light that one! and then told her he didnt want to have kids with her, when she planned on such and had bought the house for such- she is a very linear person- he wanted to stay married- cash cow, duh- but would not agree to kids and she figures he was cheating, so that was that.
This is the second marriage for both of us. I have two kids from my first marriage, one who is 18 and a girl who is 9. The 9 yr old lives with us one week, and one week with her mom.
My wife has no kids, was always a career first person, over achiever and to be honest, I feel a workaholic as compared to my laid back country attitude- however I am extremely successful, and both of us make over six figures.
My wife is very liberal in political views, does not like religion at all, and is, and she admits this- very non emotional for a woman.
Funny thing is, she wasn't like this at first, but more about that latter.
I am very conservative, family first guy who goes to church and sends his daughter to a private Christian school.
And tend to be more emotional than most guys, trying always to figure out what I can can do to make those I love lives better.
We both took the personality test, and she came out "the General" and I the "social philosopher"
So we are two completley different birds!
The problems have really started in the last few weeks. You see when I met my wife, I moved in with her in DC, with the whole city crowd, and drove 2-3 hours each way to work each and every day to my office and to see my daughter.
Since my wife works from home, she agreed to move closer to my work and daughter, and my daughters school.
We moved Nov 1- from Washington DC to near the Harpers Ferry Area. Since then I have heard nothing but anger at the fact there is "nothing to do", "everything is so far", there is no diversity, and she hates ********.
Her friends all are in DC, tried to get her to make new ones, but she is not interested as "women up here have nothing in common with her".
Now her friends are giving her guilt trips about moving away- as they are mostly the workaholic single type, her family is telling her I want her to change into a "*******" and she should not have moved from DC where all the "important people are"
Keep in mind I moved her into a much bigger house- 6000 sq, brand new, top of the line in the best development where all the other professionals live to make her comfortable.
I would have prefered to move back to the family farm I own, but understood what she needed to be happy.
Never even mentioned that.
Now with all the pressure from her parents and friends, my once charming and caring wife is cold and never wants to have sex, never wants to "talk about issues" as she says it wears her out and she is sick of talking about it. Said she had no choice but to move, for my daughter's sake, and that not to worry, we are married and we will stay together, because we are married.
When I want is for her to be the loving wife she once was, caring and compassionate.
So I do all I can for her- make sure her coffee is made int he morning when I leave for work - I leave about an hour before she gets up- make sure to leave her a little note telling her how much I love her ( always have done that) and make sure the electric fireplace is on in her office so it is nice and toasty in there for her.
Everything she asks I bend over backwards to do, givng her everything I can, and now she tells me it exhausts her that I do so, and that the best thing I could do is do nothing.
She used to say she loved all the things I did for her, that I would sit and listen and talk about us and our feelings, but now she no longer wants that.
Says her work stresses her, and now I do, and her parents and friends, and that she cannot make us all happy, and its becoming too much of a job, so she takes no pleasure in it.
I stopped asking for sex, as it has become "mercy sex" and when we took the "his needs her needs test" sex and touching is what I need most, and now she has taken that away, while for her she needs stuff done for her and stability.
I have and do continue to do everything I can for her.
If it was not for my daughter staying with us this week I would have told her I need some time to get away to think, and moved out for a few days..... I am beginning not to want to even come home, and when I am there I stress all the time that something will happen that will make her upset.
But I do not want to make my daughter upset, nor my wife, as she says all along it would be better for me if I left her, that I would be more happy.
I think she is one depressed person, and needs help. She is the most beautiful woman, successful and somehow I feel her self esteem causes a good many issues.
We are both fit, good looking people ( not bragging, just background) and get along wonderfully whenever outside influences do not cause her stress, but when they do, I am the target of the anger, every time.
I am scared to be honest, and do not want to lose her, but I am starting to go nuts, as it seems nothing will ever make her happy, and I know she gets this from her mom who called her last night and told her she was fat - size 6- and that by living with the "********" that she was getting fat, and was not the daughter she raised, and then told her the only reason she was fat was because of the way I eat, and that I want her to be fat so I can cheat on her and she can't find someone else....and that my whole family was "fat ********" - not really, they are well to do country people....holy cow that was a mess...
She proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine, get slammed, cried all night, and told me my life would be better if she died...another holy crap moment.
She is hung over today, and doesnt want to talk about it at all, tells me just to let it go.
I am lost- I did call her dad and talked with him about what was said about my wife and myself, and told him that his wife needed to call my wife and apologize, as the hurtful statements were just wrong. Was polite, but firm.
This is a mess, not sure where or what to start on, right now I feel like moving into my office and hiding under my desk.
Anyone have any idea what my next step might be?
Thanks,