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New Marriage and a million problems

1K views 13 replies 9 participants last post by  AniversaryFight 
#1 ·
Ok,

I need advice, I have a new marriage and am facing some real uphill battles.

I will give the background information the best that I can.

First- the Us

Me- 39, Sales Director, small town boy, grew up on a farm, hunts, fishes, and is a big history geek. Divorced because ex wife left and cheated.

Her- 38, Attorney, From DC, over achiever, prefers the finer things in life, very responsible and highly respected in her field. Divorced because husband cheated, or she thinks he did, and did not want to have sex with her for the last year of thier marriage- red light that one! and then told her he didnt want to have kids with her, when she planned on such and had bought the house for such- she is a very linear person- he wanted to stay married- cash cow, duh- but would not agree to kids and she figures he was cheating, so that was that.

This is the second marriage for both of us. I have two kids from my first marriage, one who is 18 and a girl who is 9. The 9 yr old lives with us one week, and one week with her mom.

My wife has no kids, was always a career first person, over achiever and to be honest, I feel a workaholic as compared to my laid back country attitude- however I am extremely successful, and both of us make over six figures.

My wife is very liberal in political views, does not like religion at all, and is, and she admits this- very non emotional for a woman.

Funny thing is, she wasn't like this at first, but more about that latter.

I am very conservative, family first guy who goes to church and sends his daughter to a private Christian school.

And tend to be more emotional than most guys, trying always to figure out what I can can do to make those I love lives better.

We both took the personality test, and she came out "the General" and I the "social philosopher"

So we are two completley different birds!

The problems have really started in the last few weeks. You see when I met my wife, I moved in with her in DC, with the whole city crowd, and drove 2-3 hours each way to work each and every day to my office and to see my daughter.

Since my wife works from home, she agreed to move closer to my work and daughter, and my daughters school.

We moved Nov 1- from Washington DC to near the Harpers Ferry Area. Since then I have heard nothing but anger at the fact there is "nothing to do", "everything is so far", there is no diversity, and she hates ********.

Her friends all are in DC, tried to get her to make new ones, but she is not interested as "women up here have nothing in common with her".

Now her friends are giving her guilt trips about moving away- as they are mostly the workaholic single type, her family is telling her I want her to change into a "*******" and she should not have moved from DC where all the "important people are"

Keep in mind I moved her into a much bigger house- 6000 sq, brand new, top of the line in the best development where all the other professionals live to make her comfortable.

I would have prefered to move back to the family farm I own, but understood what she needed to be happy.

Never even mentioned that.

Now with all the pressure from her parents and friends, my once charming and caring wife is cold and never wants to have sex, never wants to "talk about issues" as she says it wears her out and she is sick of talking about it. Said she had no choice but to move, for my daughter's sake, and that not to worry, we are married and we will stay together, because we are married.

When I want is for her to be the loving wife she once was, caring and compassionate.

So I do all I can for her- make sure her coffee is made int he morning when I leave for work - I leave about an hour before she gets up- make sure to leave her a little note telling her how much I love her ( always have done that) and make sure the electric fireplace is on in her office so it is nice and toasty in there for her.

Everything she asks I bend over backwards to do, givng her everything I can, and now she tells me it exhausts her that I do so, and that the best thing I could do is do nothing.

She used to say she loved all the things I did for her, that I would sit and listen and talk about us and our feelings, but now she no longer wants that.

Says her work stresses her, and now I do, and her parents and friends, and that she cannot make us all happy, and its becoming too much of a job, so she takes no pleasure in it.

I stopped asking for sex, as it has become "mercy sex" and when we took the "his needs her needs test" sex and touching is what I need most, and now she has taken that away, while for her she needs stuff done for her and stability.

I have and do continue to do everything I can for her.

If it was not for my daughter staying with us this week I would have told her I need some time to get away to think, and moved out for a few days..... I am beginning not to want to even come home, and when I am there I stress all the time that something will happen that will make her upset.

But I do not want to make my daughter upset, nor my wife, as she says all along it would be better for me if I left her, that I would be more happy.

I think she is one depressed person, and needs help. She is the most beautiful woman, successful and somehow I feel her self esteem causes a good many issues.

We are both fit, good looking people ( not bragging, just background) and get along wonderfully whenever outside influences do not cause her stress, but when they do, I am the target of the anger, every time.

I am scared to be honest, and do not want to lose her, but I am starting to go nuts, as it seems nothing will ever make her happy, and I know she gets this from her mom who called her last night and told her she was fat - size 6- and that by living with the "********" that she was getting fat, and was not the daughter she raised, and then told her the only reason she was fat was because of the way I eat, and that I want her to be fat so I can cheat on her and she can't find someone else....and that my whole family was "fat ********" - not really, they are well to do country people....holy cow that was a mess...

She proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine, get slammed, cried all night, and told me my life would be better if she died...another holy crap moment.

She is hung over today, and doesnt want to talk about it at all, tells me just to let it go.

I am lost- I did call her dad and talked with him about what was said about my wife and myself, and told him that his wife needed to call my wife and apologize, as the hurtful statements were just wrong. Was polite, but firm.

This is a mess, not sure where or what to start on, right now I feel like moving into my office and hiding under my desk.

Anyone have any idea what my next step might be?

Thanks,
 
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#4 ·
Well mannered County Man meets Workaholic City thriving demanding woman with Bigoted mother. It does sound like making a go of this marraige will be very difficult, simply too much differences in Lifestyles. Reminds me of that old Comedy "Green Acres".

You sound like a Superb catch as a husband. She on the other hand, oh my, what man could please her. Not sure what she is looking for! I bet she has not taken the time to smell the roses of life , too busy with work.

She should be standing up to her mother about You , where you live & come from. Shame on her. No respect. A man NEEDS Respect. Never be afraid to be honest either. Only open communication & understanding of each other can solve these barriers.
 
#5 ·
Thanks guys- couple responses-

When I said that she says I do too much for her, it is usual tied together with the fact she she feels guilty she does not do as much for me, I tell her just being with her is all I could ever hope for, and not to worry.

She has never stopped to enjoy life, everything is linear, and must follow steps A,B,C and so on....

Heck when we first started dating she said she only wanted to date for a year, then we should get engaged as she feels that things need to follow a set path....stretched that a bit just to make her squirm!

But she is a little OCD and everything has to be tiddy and set and properly labelled- cracks me up- one day when she was gone I took her label maker and labelled things like , well, door, desk and even the cat...

She said she moved to DC from PA when she went to college to escape from her parents, and I understand why now.

They still try to rule her life, and everything in it. In fact when we got married all her dad harped on was having grandkids from us...to be honest she is so stressed right now that she cannot get pregnant, haven't used any birth control since February and...

Her job is very demanding, and her parents are as well, and she has this huge feeling of responsiblity, and is stressed most of the time.

I think she needs to calm down and slow down, but everytime I say that to her, she says that is becasue I am a laid back country boy.

I mean, I work hard, real hard, and since I had my son young I have had to work twice as hard as others since I dropped out of college and went to work.

I now manage a huge sales force, excelling at it, and am pretty proud of that.

She has never told her parents that I do not have a degree, as they would have never "let" her marry me...at 38!

They are about status, and not having their super successful daughter in DC so they can brag about it makes me sick that folks can be so shallow.

She is worn down, and I want to see her happy, but think that first we must cut all ties to her parents till they apologize...and she has never stood up to them...
 
#6 ·
When I said that she says I do too much for her, it is usual tied together with the fact she she feels guilty she does not do as much for me, I tell her just being with her is all I could ever hope for, and not to worry.
Exactly, I understood that the first time. It does seem that she's just not ready for this if she thinks that way.

She has never stopped to enjoy life, everything is linear, and must follow steps A,B,C and so on....
And you are the laid back country boy, to be honest, it's not a bad match, compliment each other nicely.

I think she needs to calm down and slow down, but everytime I say that to her, she says that is becasue I am a laid back country boy.
If I was you I would tell her to wear whatever face she wants with the world, but when it's just between you and her, try and put on nothing. There's a high possibility she won't however, make her try at least.

She has never told her parents that I do not have a degree, as they would have never "let" her marry me...at 38!

They are about status, and not having their super successful daughter in DC so they can brag about it makes me sick that folks can be so shallow.
Heh yeah I coped that BS too.
 
#7 ·
RD,

You are dead right with that I think- she also stresses, and I mean stresses how busy her job is, and it is, and she wishes she could spend more time on "us"

I think it is a cop out, as I have seen superwoman marriage after another fail, because they put thier career first...
 
#8 ·
she wishes she could spend more time on "us"
That's a very good start at least. Maybe even use this as a leverage, she said this yes? Tell her that sure, you two may not be able to always have time together, so you two better focus on the quality of the time since quantity is out of the question.

Then pop what I said in regards to "wearing faces". See what happens. To be honest I think she needs this, but that's just me, and you're the perfect man for the job.

Just my opinion anyways, and what I would do in your shoes.
 
#10 ·
Updates-

Been trying hard over the past 2 months to get her to understand what is going on...but it is not getting better, actually worse.

Her job is getting more intense, she is travelling more and talking a lot less.

And basically told me that I need to either realize that during work hours- normally from 9am to ???- she cannot talk.

She left on a trip yesterday, and did her usual-

Talked a whole bit on the way there, called and called and we chatted non stop- even though I was at the office I was thrilled she was talking, so I took the time.

Arrived at her destination, and disappeared till about 6pm, called me told me she was swamped, and was going to dinner with colleagues and would be back around 8 ish and would call.

Ok, well per her usual she does not call or get back from dinner till about 9:50, called, we chatted a bit, while she was reviewing email, found out there was a major issue with a proposal, and said she would call me once she had it finished.

Well, ok, it's now midnight, no call yet- I call the hotel, she is not listed there.

Ok, ummm...then she called on her cell, and I ask her, she doesn't have an explaination, outside of "they must be wrong", ok said I.

Then she goes on this tirade about her work , I sit up till 3am chatting with her, in fact helping her with the numbers on her contract, as she is bad with numbers, then she explodes on me, asks why she has to talk to me, she just wants to go to bed...???

Ok, said I would call in the morning.

Well call number two to hotel, she is not listed there, called her cell, she answered and I asked what was up with the hotel....she immediately went into this dialog on how I don't trust her, how she has to quit her job because whenever she travels for work I get upset- not really true, I just ask her to call when she can- and said that she had to go as she had more on the contract to work on prior to her meeting.

She did email me and let me know the hotel had her listed under her maiden name...how I do not know...but ok.

I did manage to squeeze in this morning that perhaps seeing a counselor would help us, as we are so different, and personally I am hoping they see the workaholic she is, and helps out with that, and she said fine, but she said the most important thing I could do was get out of her way and let her work, or get a job that would cover both of our incomes so she could be "at my beck and call"

I casually mentioned we really do not need all the stuff we have, like a 5,000 square house, when only 2 of us live there 50%, my daughter who is nine stays with us every other week, fancy $200 dinners, new kate spade bags every month, and so on, and she blew up...she said she wants the finer things in life and does not mind working for it, if I just let her.

To be honest, I am not respected, not even heard anymore. Still have the coffee ready every morning, still do all I can around the house to take the pressure off of her so when she does working she can relax and hopefully we can spend time together.....but nothing is helping...says she needs more "her" time....

I don't ask for much, but she is on this tear of being Ms Corporate and I am left just waiting for her to decide she is done and "takes me out of the box to play"

She is a lawyer, so fighting is in her nature, and she never listens to what I say, too busy trying to find a reason to tell me I am wrong, and I don't think I ask that much...things like if she says she is going to call, to do so. I understand she is busy, but she has to work in time to be a wife....and actions speak louder than words...

Not sure of the next step, not wanting to fight anymore, but tired of being lonely and starting to really want out.

Sorry I droned on, just needed to vent...thanks.
 
#12 ·
She is a lawyer, so fighting is in her nature, and she never listens to what I say, too busy trying to find a reason to tell me I am wrong, and I don't think I ask that much...things like if she says she is going to call, to do so. I understand she is busy, but she has to work in time to be a wife....and actions speak louder than words...
Canders,

There is a lot going on here that I'd like to respond to but I'll try to just address a couple of things. I can tell you that lawyers are very difficult personalities to live with. My ex BF is a lawyer and we broke up because of his selfish, workaholic lifestyle and his inability to ever back down in any argument. It wasn't just that he was busy, but that he would hide behind his work to avoid his obligations to me, yet manage to find time for other things. He was ALWAYS right and always on the defensive. Every discussion we had I felt like I was being cross-examined. And, of course, he is really intelligent and very skilled at twisting the facts (like many lawyers are) so he always managed to get his way. I read an article once by a marriage therapist who said that defensive, argumentative, and narcissistic personality types often self-select into the legal profession, and then their training reinforces those traits. And your wife is a DC lawyer to boot! She sounds extremely controlling, rigid, anxious, selfish, materialistic, and, quite honestly, OCD. I don't know how you will be able to resolve your differences...it sounds like there is a huge gulf between you two due to your backgrounds, values, and character traits. You are clearly seeking a different kind of existence than she is. I frankly feel sorry for her because she is on a selfish, unfulfilling path that is unsustainable and will never make her intrinsically happy. However, neither one of you is right or wrong, just different.
 
#11 ·
I hate to say this, but what you see is what you are going to get.

At 38 and 39, you guys aren't going to change much. A lot of times, people change, drift apart, then get back to where they were. You two have years of life imbeded in your soul and chances are you aren't going to change (do YOU really think you will change from a country guy to a city guy?)

So then what? The best you can hope for is a marriage that is stable but somewhat distant. At a minimum her parents need to butt out.

Finally, how long have you two been married and why is she using her maiden name?
 
#13 ·
My husband used to tell me he'd call at certain times during his business trip and never did. The last one he went on I let him know I was shutting off my phone to take time for myself. I didn't respond to him at all. He came home with a souvenir and said, "I really need to work on being a better husband. I should be thinking of you more often."

Shortly after that I caught him in a lie, but that's a different can of worms. My point is you should give her what she wants, but tell her it's for you. Let her know you're going to take some time out for yourself while she's away. Don't answer the phone or text back every time she contacts. Let her be the needy one.
 
#14 ·
Ok,

So I do all I can for her- make sure her coffee is made int he morning when I leave for work - I leave about an hour before she gets up- make sure to leave her a little note telling her how much I love her ( always have done that) and make sure the electric fireplace is on in her office so it is nice and toasty in there for her.

Everything she asks I bend over backwards to do, givng her everything I can, and now she tells me it exhausts her that I do so, and that the best thing I could do is do nothing.

QUOTE]


You guys are so much different, seriously nothing in common. I wonder how did you dated without notice that this isnt right. anyway you get married so what now...

From your post, youa re Mr. nice guy, you do everything for her. She used to like your mr. nice what you did earlier and now she is bored. She even told you what you have to do...DO NOT CONTINUE BE MR NICE GUY BY SAYING ....."that the best thing I could do is do nothing"

Her family and friends should not be a deal at all since you guys are married. Some people even move to another country and leave family and friends and still have a great marriage. This things she sees because she is bored and frastrated with you!! --NO SEX!!! you are impressing her so much and she does not feel like a WOMAN anymore!!

by the way her mom is a drama queen!!

Stop doing what you are doing now! be interesting! STOP BEING MR NICE! My wife is also a lawyer but she is submitted to me. Is how I treat her like a woman. Career doesnt matter!
 
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