Sprite

Thanks MT, what you say makes total sense. I have explained the whole following me around thing to him and he understnads where I am coming from. His point of view is that he doesn't want to give me any alone time because then I have time to "think" about things. He doesn't want me to think because he knows it makes my resentment come closer to the surface and I become withdrawn and angry. I do praise him...I keep telling him that everything he is doing is the right thing right now, it just isn't effecting me like I think it should be. He leaves me notes all the time now in odd places just to let me know he is thinking about me, and most of the notes are him thanking me for being me...which is super sweet...but I needed this years ago, not now!

As far as the list goes..I have a mental list, but I havent actually wrote it out on a piece of paper. My top priorities that he had to work on were his relationship with his boys(which he has turned around completely and finally has a relationship with them that he should have had all along..but that still needs work), and his brother, and his friends he has lost/neglected/let down over the years. He always treated his brother like he was nothing and never gave him credit for being able to think on his own. Remember Dan(husband) was the type of person that thought you were wrong if you didn't see things the way he did. He always thought that he was the only smart one and his way was the ONLY right way, so he condemned his brother for a lot of his actions and thoughts. He was very judgemental of people and very prejudice. I say was because I have rubbed off on him and he seems to have switched sides of the fence on this issue. He has worked on his relationship with his brother and I am SO thankful for this. His bro is going through a divorce right now and it seems the rest of the family is "taking his wife's side" and leaving him feel like an outsider within his own family. Its pretty sad and it pisses me off!!! No one should be taking sides...they both need support to get through this. When Dan first decided to call his brother just to talk to him(for the first time in his life he didnt feel the need to tell his brother what to do), I had to coach him on how to approach it. He actually listened to me and now they have a relationship they should have had all along. We seem to be his brothers comfort zone, and its great!

As far as the friends on his list he lost/neglected over the years..well, he feels they are secondary to me and his boys, so he tries to call them when he can...but they keep playing phone tag. I remind him that they are unaware of this change in him so it may take time until they actually get back in touch they way they should be as close friends.

We have been communicating on a level we never have before and its great, but sometimes I feel its a little too late. We started this little thing we do where when we do sit down and talk we ask each other "what is one thing you would have done differently?" and this seems to help a little. I feel he completely understnads where I am coming from because all the things he says he would do differently are all the things that lead to this mess in the first place. My response to that question is that I would not have myself allow him to do this to me and his boys. I should have been firmer from the beginning.

He is trying everything to get the wall to come down and tells me that if I feel the need to yell at him, or hit him, or whatever it takes...he is going to keep chipping away untill all the bricks come down. I don't want to keep bringing things up tho because I don't want to keep reminding him and i don't want to turn into a nag-bag as you put it. I feel like what is done is done and it can't be changed so there is no point in harping on it..but he thinks if I harp on it...it will help get it off my chest. I just don't want to keep hurting him because when he thinks about how badly he screwed things up and how he handles things in the past..he gets upset with himself and I dont want him to keep beating himself up about it. I don't see the point in that. He finally feels good about who he is as a person and I don't want to take that away from him!

And voivod...its funny you mention a Ferrari...but it's actually a Mustang I am after..unfortunately the one I want is WAY out of our price range...and it only comes in stick shift which I dont know how to drive..lol! I sometimes feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis..do women do this? I have never had the desire to have a certain type of car...it never mattered to me what I drove as long as it was dependble and comfortable for the kids, and I fit behind the wheel! I am short and we all know that only about 3% of the cars out there are made to fit people with short legs...lol...so I drive a full size conversion van..it just fits!

I now know that I do have the upper hand, and it feels good for a change, but I never knew I actually had it. I think if this would have happened 10 years ago, we would have been divorced by now...he was not in the same place he is now, and 10 years ago he probably would not have cared if I left him as long as he still had his racing. But it's different now, and I do believe we have a chance..IF I can let the walls down. They just seem to put themselves there sometimes wether I want them there or not. He will say or do something that will reminds me of something in the past...and woosh...theres that wall again. I dont know how to let it go and I am not entirely sure I want to let it go.