Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

tobio · 03-23-2011, 05:05 AM

Ok, here is what is happening... Bear with me whilst I explain.

We did some heavy talking. He said a lot of things, then mostly said the opposite at some point. It has gone from me deciding if I want him back to him not knowing if he wants to be here in the first place.

It seems that the girl "incident" was a symptom of our problems, not THE problem if that makes sense. However, I think his thoughts are clouded by the feelings he has/had for her; I don't believe it WAS anything more, but I strongly feel he is having some kind of "withdrawal" from not seeing her every day and the feelings that go with meeting someone you like.

He went from basically saying it was over and he wanted to move out, to almost breaking down when I got upset, saying he just wanted to be happy, he just didn't know what it was that would make him happy. He feels that things have been bad for a while (I agree) and we've lost most of our connection because of that.

I basically said (and it was SO DIFFICULT) that I felt I could forgive him for what happened; however that didn't mean I thought it was ok. I said I loved him and I wanted to make this work, but either he was all in or he was out. I said if there was a part of him that wanted to make this work then let's do it; but if not then that was it.

He said, let's do it. Let's try. So he came back last night. He was making an effort, in his "acts of service" way. He made dinner- one of my favourites. He got me ice cream. I asked him to sit with me when we were watching tv- he did and stayed there the rest of the evening with me.

He even went from not liking the idea of counselling to showing an active interest in it, what happens etc. We have identified our problems, I personally think they are fixable but will take some work from both of us. On our own we're not sure where to start, we don't know what we're supposed to be doing, how we're supposed to be acting. I don't want to be constantly engaging in very heavy talks; yes we need to do a lot more talking, but we also need to be doing whatever it is that made us want to be together in the first place.

I still feel terribly insecure. I am worried that he's just going to turn round one day and say, he can't do this. I don't want to be miserable around him, I don't want to give him my feelings and say, here, deal with all this, but I am obviously still going through things in my head, but I don't know where to start with if I have forgiven him, how do I move on from there? I still feel I want to check phone records but not forever, just for now. He has consented to this.

If I could write out an ideal plan of how things would go to recover things, it WOULDN'T be this! I want him to WANT to be here, and want to know how I do that, but equally I WANT him to show he wants to be here and make an effort. He has shown willing which is good. I guess I have to take it on a day-to-day basis.

03-23-2011, 05:05 AM	#52 (permalink)
tobio Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: UK Posts: 780	Re: He kissed another woman... Ok, here is what is happening... Bear with me whilst I explain. We did some heavy talking. He said a lot of things, then mostly said the opposite at some point. It has gone from me deciding if I want him back to him not knowing if he wants to be here in the first place. It seems that the girl "incident" was a symptom of our problems, not THE problem if that makes sense. However, I think his thoughts are clouded by the feelings he has/had for her; I don't believe it WAS anything more, but I strongly feel he is having some kind of "withdrawal" from not seeing her every day and the feelings that go with meeting someone you like. He went from basically saying it was over and he wanted to move out, to almost breaking down when I got upset, saying he just wanted to be happy, he just didn't know what it was that would make him happy. He feels that things have been bad for a while (I agree) and we've lost most of our connection because of that. I basically said (and it was SO DIFFICULT) that I felt I could forgive him for what happened; however that didn't mean I thought it was ok. I said I loved him and I wanted to make this work, but either he was all in or he was out. I said if there was a part of him that wanted to make this work then let's do it; but if not then that was it. He said, let's do it. Let's try. So he came back last night. He was making an effort, in his "acts of service" way. He made dinner- one of my favourites. He got me ice cream. I asked him to sit with me when we were watching tv- he did and stayed there the rest of the evening with me. He even went from not liking the idea of counselling to showing an active interest in it, what happens etc. We have identified our problems, I personally think they are fixable but will take some work from both of us. On our own we're not sure where to start, we don't know what we're supposed to be doing, how we're supposed to be acting. I don't want to be constantly engaging in very heavy talks; yes we need to do a lot more talking, but we also need to be doing whatever it is that made us want to be together in the first place. I still feel terribly insecure. I am worried that he's just going to turn round one day and say, he can't do this. I don't want to be miserable around him, I don't want to give him my feelings and say, here, deal with all this, but I am obviously still going through things in my head, but I don't know where to start with if I have forgiven him, how do I move on from there? I still feel I want to check phone records but not forever, just for now. He has consented to this. If I could write out an ideal plan of how things would go to recover things, it WOULDN'T be this! I want him to WANT to be here, and want to know how I do that, but equally I WANT him to show he wants to be here and make an effort. He has shown willing which is good. I guess I have to take it on a day-to-day basis.