Originally Posted by LonelyNLost
What is wrong with saying "that he had treated me unfairly and not put my needs first" and "when you cool off we need to discuss some things"? He was cursing at me like crazy and basically speaking at me like I was his child. He did treat me unfairly and did not put my needs first. He knows this. If he is in an EA or not, it's still the case. I have told him time and time again how uncomfortable I was with him being friends with her. He was selfish about it and insisted that it was nothing and just expected me to believe him and accept all the lies. Even after he was caught. And right now, he's also not putting my feelings first, as he's worried about how he looks to her and not to me. What would have been the best way to respond? And most of our conversations are about how he is so emotionally drained and can't do anything to commit to this marriage, but he loves me. He came AT me last night. I was on the defense.
I need examples of how to deal with him. He's treating me like a doormat. How am I supposed to give him affirmation and make him feel good? All he does is trample all over my heart.
What is wrong is that - just as YOU have reacted to HIS condemning words - the instant
you start with saying things like 'you need to
cool off' or 'you did this
wrong,' THEY STOP LISTENING. Understand? You just told me that YOU were on the defensive. Do you not think that he feels the exact same way
every time you tell him what he's doing wrong?
ONE of you has to get smart about this and follow a plan, instead of just reacting to each other and creating a War of the Roses. You'll never get what you want that way.
Look, YOU want this marriage right now. HE doesn't.
Therefore, YOU have to be smarter about how you're dealing with him. Calm. Wise. Fetching. Full of self-respect. Willing to walk away if he won't treat you with dignity and respect.
THAT is the woman who will get his attention, to whom he will listen.
Not the one he's used to, who tells him how screwed up he is, what he's doing wrong, and how much he offends you.
Rise above the fog babble. Be smarter.
Know your goals and don't deviate from them. Talk ONLY about your goals and how/if he can meet them. Be humble enough to ask him what it would take from YOU for him to feel safe with you. And at the same time, maintain your points - "I will not share you with another woman, friend or not. When you tell her intimate thoughts and feelings that you should be sharing with your wife, it is emotional cheating, and I can't live in that kind of marriage. Let me know when you want to recommit to our marriage, and I'll be glad to talk about what BOTH of us need in this marriage. I'm ready to do MY part to make this a better marriage; are you?"
As for how to deal with him, simply state your boundaries, and GIVE HIM CONSEQUENCES when he oversteps those boundaries. "I will not be yelled at. Call me back when you're ready to talk without namecalling." And hang up.